His Uncle's Favorite (17 page)

The chill wind whipped across her face, and the snow on her cheeks mixed with warm tears of anger and helpless disappointment. She could only hope she misunderstood the words spinning in her mind. Were they truly speaking about her—and in such preposterous terms? Why would they do that? Mr. Darcy was engaged to Anne de Bourgh? Was she not his cousin? And if he were engaged, why should she care? He never spoke or behaved improperly, nor did he ever mention he was engaged. But why would he? After all, it was his private business. She could not care less if he were engaged!

She gathered herself and returned to the ballroom. Her aunt and Jane were in the midst of Lord Matlock’s family. Mrs. Gardiner inquired about her and Elizabeth forced a smile as she confessed she was not feeling well. She admitted to a piercing headache and pretended her eyes could not bear the light because of the pain. Lady Selina invited her to retire to one of the guest rooms, but Mrs. Gardiner declared she would take Elizabeth home to rest. Immediately, Miss Bennet supported her idea, and shortly all three ladies were ready to depart despite Lady Selina and Lady Brightmore’s insistence. They declined any attempt to call for one of the gentlemen to keep them company. Mrs. Gardiner had her coachman waiting and decidedly said they would be perfectly safe. They did not wish to raise unnecessary concerns nor ruin the pleasure of the ball for the other guests.

So, with little recourse, Lady Selina accepted her friends’ decision, taking a warm farewell of them and asking to see them all the next day. Mrs. Gardiner promised they would come for tea, and Lady Selina was content with the prospect.

***

Hours passed, and Elizabeth could find no rest. Although she threw herself in bed as soon as they were home and assured her aunt and sister that she was feeling better, it only became worse. She recalled every word, every gesture, every face, and every glance from the ball. Were other people also thinking so ill of her?

Morning came, but it brought little peace for Elizabeth. She did not leave her bed nor join the family for breakfast. Mrs. Gardiner encouraged her to sleep as much as she wanted, but she declared she would send for a doctor, as she was worried about Elizabeth’s indisposition.

To avoid such a drastic measure, Elizabeth finally dressed, declaring she wanted to eat a little and rest later. Content, Mrs. Gardiner postponed the idea of fetching the doctor.

During the noon hour, Mrs. Gardiner remembered they promised to have tea with Lady Selina. Jane seemed pleased with the idea, and Mrs. Gardiner declared she would take the children, too, so they could play with Lady Selina’s boys.

Elizabeth asked to be forgiven but expressed her trust that she would be much better the next day. With some arguments and no little worry, the ladies finally left.

For Elizabeth, the empty house and the silence surrounding her were a blessing. She hurried to her room and lay on the bed, closing her eyes and remembering once more all the details of the previous night. She became angrier at each passing moment, not so much against a certain lady but against herself for allowing the events to bother her so. The lady had danced with Mr. Darcy too; how dare she make such insinuations after a dance? And Mr. Darcy himself—how could he be friends with such a disrespectful woman? And what kind of friends were they, after all?

She was surprised by the sound of the doorbell and hurried to the parlour. A servant announced the visitor, and to her utter amazement, Mr. Darcy walked into the room.

He bowed to her politely, but she could scarcely greet him properly, so preoccupied was she to discover the reason for his presence.

He took a seat and inquired after her health, confessing he was at Lady Selina’s with his sister when Mrs. Gardiner and Miss Bennet arrived. He had been surprised not to see her and was worried to hear she was not feeling well, especially after their sudden departure from the ball.

She assured him she was well and thanked him for his concern. Then she asked about Georgiana and was told that she remained at Lady Selina’s. He had come alone, and Elizabeth’s consternation grew. As she watched him attempt to start a conversation, it was obvious to Elizabeth that he had slept ill as well. His countenance was pale, his eyes showed dark circles, and no smile lit his face.

After a silence of several minutes, he came towards her in an agitated manner, still standing, and finally spoke.

“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

Chapter 8

Elizabeth stared at Mr. Darcy, her cheeks burning, and for a moment, she wondered whether he was making fun of her. Her head felt painfully heavy, and the daylight was intolerable. His words sounded loud and clear, but their meaning was uncertain. He seemed slightly uneasy, and the trace of fatigue on his face became more visible with each moment. He looked at her as though waiting for a sign to continue, and she knew she should stop him.

“Miss Bennet, please forgive my intrusion and the manner of my declaration. I can understand your surprise, your shock; to be honest, my presence here is a surprise even to me. I have thought of little else since last night, and I confess I did not sleep a single moment as I considered my decision to speak with you. But surely you cannot be surprised by my words as you must have noticed my inclination for you since we were in Hertfordshire.”

She continued to stare at him in silent astonishment. Of what was he speaking? His inclination for her?
‘She is tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me.’

“Almost from the beginning of our acquaintance, I came to admire you. Yet, I must admit that, for a long time, I struggled with my feelings because of the obstacles presented by the differences between our families. I never would consider attaching myself to someone whose situation in life was so far below mine. I have always known my duty, and I am aware that I must fulfil my expectations and those of my family. And then, when I met you again in London among my uncle’s friends, seeing how pleased my sister was to be in your company and how happy I was myself, I became more and more certain that I might come to a decision, even one against my judgement, because what has judgement to do with matters of the heart? It finally became clear to me that there was no other way to manage this painful situation, so I came here to plead for your acceptance. And I trust it might be to the advantage of us both to…”

He continued to speak, more hastily with each word as if he were trying to convince not just her but also himself. While speaking, he paced the room, and she found it increasingly difficult to comprehend his statements.
He has admired me from the beginning of our acquaintance? He is aware he should not even consider marriage with someone in my situation? And now he has come to propose some sort of arrangement?
She felt her eyes stinging.

“Mr. Darcy, I am afraid I cannot allow you to continue upon this subject. As you mentioned, I am shocked by your presence here and even more so by your words. I never noticed any inclination you might have for me; the only thing that does not surprise me is your disapproval of my family; that I have long noticed.”

She looked around for a chair. A lump in her throat forbade her from speaking louder, and she struggled against the tears that threatened to overcome her.

“You cannot seriously consider that I would accept such a proposal, so my answer will not be a surprise to you. And if you are truly disappointed, I hope it will be of short duration. I trust that your judgement eventually will overcome your regard and you will find other ways to solve any painful situation that might arise in the future.”

She finished her reply and took a deep breath. As she spoke, his complexion paled, and the disturbance of his mind was impossible to ignore. He obviously struggled to maintain his composure as he stared at her, unable to reply. Elizabeth, her eyes riveted by his, felt the urge to sit. At that moment, he should have understood the ridiculous situation in which he had put himself and leave. After some time, in a voice of forced calmness, he spoke.

“And this is all the reply which I am to have the honour of expecting! I might wish to be informed why, with so little endeavour at civility, I am thus rejected before I had the opportunity to finish my plea. But it is of small importance.”

“You wish to know why you have been rejected? I would also wish to know why, with so evident a design of offending me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will and that you cannot attach yourself to me through marriage? How dare you come here and speak to me in such a way? What would your family say had they known of your proposal?”

“My family? It is not for them to have an opinion in this matter. I have done what I felt I should, and I was certain you would expect and welcome such a proposal. Since we met in London, I could not miss your properly displayed but nevertheless obvious inclination towards me, but it seems my judgement was wrong. Or perhaps, after being so unanimously admired last evening by so many eligible gentlemen, your inclination towards me is less than it was, and you suddenly search for reasons to think ill of me.”

His eyes turned darker, and she could see he intentionally offended her. Her anger overcame any other feelings, and suddenly her heart began to beat wildly.

“Any inclination you pretended to see on my part is as presumptuous as the reason for your visit today. I did try to behave more civilly than in the past, I shall not deny that, and I did so against my better judgement. But even if there were an inclination on my part, that would not change my answer in the slightest. I have every reason in the world to think ill of you; I do not need to search for more. No motive can excuse the unjust and ungenerous part you acted in separating Mr. Bingley from my sister. You dare not, you cannot deny that you have been the principal, if not the only means of dividing them from each other!”

Elizabeth finished her tirade with a sense of emptiness and a fatigue that defeated her strength. She held his gaze while demanding an answer.

With assumed tranquillity and stern countenance, he replied, “I have no wish of denying that I did everything in my power to separate my friend from your sister while they were in Hertfordshire. At that time, I was certain it was the best decision for him.”

Elizabeth could hardly breathe from anger.

“And may I ask who you are to decide for and to impose upon everybody around you? The best decision indeed! And what about Mr. Wickham? Was it the best decision to deny him what was his right and to reduce him to his present misery? On this subject, what can you have to say?”

“You take an eager interest in that gentleman’s concerns,” said Darcy in a less tranquil tone, his face slightly coloured.

“Who that knows what his misfortunes have been can help feeling an interest in him?”

“Yes, his misfortunes have been great indeed. It is such a relief that there are always those who have feelings for him and an inclination to comfort him.”

“And
that
you cannot understand. Since the very beginning of our acquaintance, your manners impressed me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others. After we met again in London, influenced by the amiability and gentleness of your family, I was tempted to judge you more favourably, but now you prove me wrong. I have no doubt that sympathy and kindness are feelings with which you are unaccustomed, and for that, I am sorry for you, sir. That is precisely why I will not mention this visit to either my aunt or your uncle. I do not wish to create an unpleasant situation for the others, nor do I want to hurt them with the disclosure of your dishonourable behaviour.”

“And this,” cried Darcy, as he walked across the room, “is your opinion of me! This is the estimation in which you hold me! I thank you for explaining it so fully. My faults, according to this calculation, are heavy indeed and your refusal easy to understand, though I still cannot comprehend why my proposal is so appalling and dishonourable to you.”

Elizabeth grew angrier every moment, yet she struggled to speak with composure.

“Your insolence matches your arrogance, sir. You came here professing your ardent admiration and love for me and assumed—unreasonably—that I share such feelings. Then you made it perfectly clear that you would never bind yourself in marriage to someone with an inferior situation such as mine. You then offend my family, admit your unfair role in the present unhappiness of my sister, and propose to me a ‘way of solving your painful situation, by an arrangement which could be to the advantage of both.’
And all this while you know very well that you are engaged to marry Miss Anne de Bourgh. What would you call such behaviour, Mr. Darcy?”

Her neck was burning, her hands began to shiver and her lips were dry. She could speak no longer, as she felt all her strength abandon her. She prayed that he would have an atom of consideration and finally leave, or she was in danger of crying in his presence, for which she would never forgive herself.

He looked at her with an expression of mingled incredulity and mortification. He remained silent, staring at her. He had no apparent intention of leaving; he took a few steps forward, and she moved away from him. His countenance changed again; his gaze was dark, and his face seemed as white as new fallen snow.

“Miss Bennet, if I say that your words offended me in a way that no one has ever done before, it would not do justice to my present feelings. I came here today and spoke to you with equal sincerity and admiration. I admitted feelings to you that I have tried to conceal, and I am not ashamed of doing that. Disguise of every sort is my abhorrence, and I was certain that you, with your wisdom and brightness of mind, would appreciate my honesty. I still consider that all my struggles were natural and just. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? To congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?”