His Wounded Light (35 page)

He stays inside me for a few minutes before rolling off so I can lean my head on his shoulder. I feel hollow when he pulls out. I want to cry when it dawns on me that this physical emptiness comes secondary to the void in my heart that he’s going to leave behind. He holds me earnestly amidst the quiet hush of our breathing, and as I lay in his arms, I decide that I’m going to tell him how I feel tomorrow. We can never be more than just friends.

“What are you thinking?” he whispers as he strokes my hair and wraps his legs around mine. His legs are well-built and heavy and hairier than Alex’s. I can clearly discern the differences between their bodies and I’m left with a craving for the one who isn’t here.

Now that he’s this close, things keep coming back to me. His gray eyes no longer hold a tortured look, in fact, they’re smiling. His face, his hair, his floppy ears are just as I remember. The young boy I loved has turned into a man. An adoring, devoted man who has given his heart to someone else. Someone who will cherish it wholeheartedly and give him the unconditional love that he deserves.

“How lucky I am to have you in my life. I love you.”

He pauses before he answers. “Love you too.”

By the time I open my eyes the next morning, Jesse is sitting in silence on the sofa that faces away from our bed. I observe him for a few minutes as he sits stationary, his hands to his sides, seemingly staring at the picture-less television in front of him. He has covered himself modestly with a t-shirt and boxer shorts.

“Jess?” I croak as I sit up, wrapping the blanket across my body.

“Hi,” he whispers, standing up and walking back towards the bed. He climbs back under the covers and leans on my shoulder. “I have something planned for us today. Do you think we can get ready in an hour? We have to be up on the roof by then.”

“The roof?” Before he can answer me, I realize what he means. “Oh. Yes, okay.” I smile warmly and bend down to kiss his head. “Are you okay, Jess? You look so sad.”

He looks up at me and gapes into my eyes but doesn’t say a word. I bring my lips to his and kiss him. I kiss him with all the love I have for him, past and present. I wrap my arms around him, longing for the warmth that our memories have always brought me. This morning, it’s just not there. I wished I wasn’t thinking of Alex so much, but he’s consumed every minute of my every day. I never believed that a heart could be divided into two parts. Everyone gets a choice. It needs to be one or the other. Never both.

Jesse’s mouth springs into action and he takes over the kisses that I began. They’re wild and frenzied and his hands are on my body, trailing down between my legs. His fingers don’t get intrusive. Not yet. They lightly trace my stomach, my thighs. He pulls the blanket down, off me, following up every touch point with his eyes. He is so loving, so gentle, so kind to me, that it makes me want to cry.

“One more,” he whispers, but his tone makes it sound like a plea. He spreads my legs roughly and sinks his head down on me. Into me. His movements are desperate, like he’s trying to make sure that he drinks everything he can from me before he says goodbye.

We’re going to say goodbye.

“Jess,” I moan as I gently hold his head by his ears and pull him back up towards me. “The deeper we sink into this, the more difficult it will be for us to return to the surface.” I kiss him intensely, tasting myself on him, taking myself back from him.

He nods his head sadly and releases his hold on me. “Let’s get going and we can talk when we get there.”

“Perfect,” I say. “Good morning, by the way.”

He chuckles at me as we both scoot off the opposite sides of the bed and walk towards the bathroom. “Too bad you didn’t give me a chance to show you how great I am at wake up calls.”

Forty-five minutes later, we’re on the helipad waiting as Jesse’s helicopter rounds the corner to meet us. He ushers me towards it and helps me step in before hoisting himself on the seat next to me. He hands me some headphones as I crinkle my eyes fondly at him and hold his hand.

“I’ll never get used to flying in these things,” I admit, squeezing his hand tightly.

“It’s only a fifteen minute cruise in the air. Just wait and see.” He motions to the pilot to begin our ascent to what closely resembles the top of the world.

The whir of the propeller is loud, but our headphones allow us to speak to each other. We’re busy talking about the clouds and the sky and he’s pointing various landmarks to me from our view point above the mountains. The helicopter starts descending towards a dormant volcano with a lake inside of it. It is absolutely the most stunning natural phenomenon I have ever seen. This has to be one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Transparent blue water so clear that you can see every single fish swimming in it. The pristine water, untouched by pollution, has allowed life to flourish inside the crater. Freshwater fish of all different sizes skim effortlessly across the surface of the water. I get a little anxious as the helicopter descends downwards inside the volcano, but it rests on a ledge that allows me to relax a little bit more now that we’re on solid ground. The loud rush of the propeller stops as we prepare to disembark.

“Oh my gosh, Jess! This is beautiful!”

“Remember, years ago, we stayed at that beach house and talked about one day taking a trip to see what was inside this crater?”

“I do! And here we are!”

He picks up a basket from the cargo bin and lines up a blanket with some wine glasses, a bottle of wine and some appetizers. I laugh when I see that he has included some pancakes and sausages from McDonalds.

“Your breakfast, just in case,” he says with a smile.

We sit down on the ledge overlooking the dramatically picturesque view. God, in his Infinite Glory, has given me today to realize how much there is to live for. His works, His goodness. It never should have been about me. It will be about Eddie and Maddy and the memory of Sophie.

I will not force love, it will come to me.

“Jess! Did you see those fish? Are they gourami?”

He laughs and takes my hand. “Yes! They are. They’re huge, though. Bigger than the ones we had, do you still remember that?”

“I remember, those were our little babies in high school. The kissing gourami.” Pink, silvery scaled fish whose lips are joined together in a permanent pucker. We bought them from a sidewalk vendor one day after school on the way to his house.

We beam at each other and reach out for our glasses of wine. For a while, we sit in relaxed silence, watching the views, absorbing the moment.

“Jess?”

“Hmmm?”

“It’s not us, is it?” These words feel like a slap to my heart as soon as they leave my lips.

“No, I guess not.”

“Did you feel that way too? Last night?”

“I did, Iss. I can’t explain it.”

“Why did you want to do this, if you already knew?” My voice is unsteady; I’m afraid that he’s going to say that he did it just for me.

“I didn’t know for sure. Until I saw it in your eyes. And the moment that I did, it confirmed my true feelings.”

“Why do you love her?”

He stretches his legs out and motions for me to put my head on his lap. I do. “She’s funny and sexy and alive. She brings so much laughter and excitement into our relationship. With her, I no longer feel the need for control. In fact, I delight in giving it up.”

“Now it makes sense why you didn’t really stop me from seeing Lucas. You were trying to figure things out yourself.” The sudden realization provides me with solace.

“Yeah. The old me would’ve have torn down that door and whisked you away before anything could have ever happened with him.” His admission is lighthearted and jovial and we both know it’s the truth.

I nod my head, because I understand it fully. He was so stuck in the past that he disregarded what his heart was trying to tell him. He had moved on. “I’m so happy for you, Jesse.”

“Do you still love him?” He returns my statement with this question.

“It’s always been only him.”

“You still have him, you know. Give it time. He regrets everything that he’s done.”

“I don’t want him to regret. I want him to get better so he can move on and be happy. It hurts to accept that I wasn’t enough for him. Just like I wasn’t enough for you.”

“No, Issy. I’ve spent twenty years of my life loving you. You were always enough. I took you for granted and lost sight of what we had. When I lost you, I lost my focus. My sole purpose was to get you back and I lost so much time. I should have realized that you chose him because you wanted to. Because you belong to him.”

“I don’t know if I can belong to him again, Jess, especially with you and Lucas and everything that’s happened. I have to find myself first. Does that make sense?”

“It does. And I know you’ll do the right thing. You’re so strong, Isa. You don’t need anyone else to tell you what to do. You’ll get there; it will all fall into place.”

“I don’t need anyone like I used to need you?” I laugh as I sit up and face him.

“Pretty much. I still like being needed. Rose needs me, but I need her just as much.”

“I love hearing you talk about this, Jess. You finally found her. You’ve found your heart.”

“I have.” He smiles as he speaks and a look of realization suddenly crosses his face. “Hey, I almost forgot,” he adds as he reaches into the picnic basket and pulls out a square box, about half the size of a shoebox. “Here’s what’s left of what we used to have.”

He hands me the box; I slowly twist the metal clamp that holds the lid together and pop it open. In it are pictures and cards and the stainless steel Tag Heuer watch that I gave him for our fifth anniversary.

“Oh, wow! I can’t believe you kept all these.” My eyes prickle with tears as I pull the contents of the box out one by one. There are four pictures, one of them me in a bathing suit. The others are images of us as a couple, smiling into the camera. They must have been taken by Ryan. I take the one of him carrying me along the shore of the beach and I laugh as I bring it closer to my face. “Yikes! How embarrassing! You had to carry me every time we went into the water!”

“Are you still afraid of your feet touching the bottom of the ocean?”

“No. Alex got me used to wearing water shoes. He’s a big diver as you know, so I needed to get over my fear.”

Alex did more than that. He showed me how to live.

We sit in silence for a few minutes and stare down into the crater. I interrupt his thoughts when I blurt out the obvious. “Jess, those pictures. They’re not who we are anymore.”

He turns towards me and nods his head in agreement. “I know.”

“I can’t think of a better place to say goodbye to them,” I suggest, offering us a way out of the past. I know we’re both dying to take it.

“Let’s do it!” he answers without hesitation.

“Wait! Except for the Tag. Let me give that to Emmy. Her husband could use a new watch. Would that be okay?”

“Absolutely.”

As if we shared the same thought, we both take the box and leaf through its contents for one last time. I lean my head on his shoulder as we do, and we both wait until it feels right.

“Ready?” I ask him, still leaning against his chest. I can feel him taking a deep breath.

“Ready,” he responds, his voice firm and steady.

I love that he sounds so resolute and certain. This is it. Step one.

We reach our arms out and let go of the box. Slowly, it descends down hundreds of feet towards the bright blue water. Halfway through its fall, the box opens up and the pieces of paper flitter out and cascade down like tiny butterflies in a field of flowers. We are lost in the solitude of our thoughts and I know that this gives us both the reprieve we’ve been endlessly seeking. We’ve been rummaging through the broken pieces of our past to sever the link that’s kept us together. Twelve years ago, he let me go. Today, he releases himself from the confines of his wounds.

We’re embracing the future without each other. We feel free.

“Jess?”

“Hmmm.”

“Don’t get mad.”

“I won’t.”

“I thought of Alex while we were doing it,” I confess shyly.