Hitman's Captive: A Bad Boy Romance (45 page)

“We’re
not siblings, Bella.”

Damn
right.

The
reassurance helped a little, even if I did have to resign myself to losing the
dance. With a sigh, I turned and spotted the guys he’d arrived with.

“Yeah,
I know. I guess you’re right, probably best not to. Want to introduce me to
your Navy friends instead?”

His
expression was too closed, his body too still as I moved onto the suggestion
I’d been wanting to make all night. Something in me froze a little at that
sight, knowing instinctively I was treading in an area I wasn’t welcome. That
hurt me as much, if not more, than being unable to dance, even as he nodded and
turned for them. This felt wrong.

I
didn’t get a chance to stop him and ask what was going on though, as I followed
to an area off to the side of the dance floor. There were three guys chatting
and bantering there - the man in the middle quite a bit older but with the
bearing that indicated he was firmly in control of every situation around him,
framed by a wiry, lithe man to his right and another with a scar down cheek on
the left. All of them had that same controlled intensity that radiated from
Seth, and it wasn’t hard to tell they all did exactly the same thing. I watched
as their gazes swept over me, their expressions friendly but their eyes holding
an alertness that spoke of the ability to spring into immediate action.

“Hey,
I wanted to introduce you to my step-sister to-be, Bella. She’s the one that
put together so much of this event.”

He
turned to me and nodded.

“Bella,
this is Dale, Ace and Mike. We’ve all served together at one point or another.”

I
smiled and held out a hand to greet each man.

“It’s
an impressive event - and we appreciate your support for our troops.”

It was
Dale that spoke up, with a rumbling voice that I could immediately picture
being heard on a battlefield. His salt-and-pepper hair reminded me of my
father, but that was about all that did, as the man radiated command with every
gesture or move he made. The thought of living and working - or fighting - with
these people was such an intense idea I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

I
thanked them for coming and then - to my shock - Seth excused himself, saying
he needed to check on something.

He
didn’t need to check on something.

I was
running this damned show and if there was something to check on, I’d be the
first to know about it.

It was
such an obvious attempt to extract himself from our conversation that something
tore inside me. I’d been looking forward to this for the last couple of weeks -
to getting to know this side of Seth’s life and understand him a bit better. I
couldn’t deny it - I’d wanted to be introduced as someone who meant something
to him. I’d expected to be.

I knew
and understood so little about the men in front of me, and I’d wanted to be
invited into that by Seth. Given the chance to see what was behind all the
fascinating little hints of it that he’d shown over the last month together.

Instead,
I was left awkwardly playing host and with no way to start a conversation about
those things. Not without inventing some context that didn’t even make sense. I
could ask about their life, sure - as no doubt everyone here had done - but as
an outsider. Maybe I was being stupid, but I felt shut out in a way I wasn’t
sure I could handle tonight.

I made
small talk for a few minutes before wishing them a good time and backing away,
feeling awkward and embarrassed.

After
that, I gave up on trying to find Seth.

I
played the good host and ensured everyone had a great time eating our food and
drinking our wine.

It
felt like a long time before the party finally started winding down and I had
an excuse to retreat to my room.

*  *  *

“God,
I missed you tonight baby.”

Seth stalked
closer from the balcony, the seduction I’d become so familiar with lighting in
his eyes.

This
time it just set my anger off - especially with that casual comment. I couldn’t
believe that after tonight, he’d even had the nerve to come and find me.

He
reached for me as if nothing was wrong and I jerked away, glaring back.

“Yeah,
not surprising, since you completely avoided me all night.”

“What?”

He
pulled back, frowning.

“You
heard me.”

“I
didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be seen together.”

“No?
And why not? We were both helping organize the damn event, and we’re
supposed
to be a family now - it wouldn’t have been too much to think we might spend
two minutes talking to each other!”

I was
working myself up, but I was angry and upset and the evening had been a
disaster as far as I was concerned. It grated that Seth didn’t even seem to
consider it.

He
took a step back, crossing his arms and looking at me as if I was crazy.

“I
would have thought
little miss perfect
wouldn’t have wanted the risk.”

“It
wasn’t about that, Seth, and you know it. You don’t care one bit if someone
sees us together, if we make the wrong sort of eye contact or touch in those
oh-so-subtle ways you love. This was different. You shut me out.”

His
expression went hard again, closing off in a way that showed me I’d hit the
mark.

“There
was nothing to shut you—”

“You
completely abandoned me with your friends. The guys I’d been so looking forward
to meeting. You made that nothing.”

He
looked back at me, stony and cold in a way that almost had made me shiver. We’d
spent so long being so close, so all over each other, it had only been warmth
and fun and games. Seeing his cold distance now was a shock I didn’t know how
to deal with.

“It
was
nothing.”

“How
can you
say
that?!”

My
voice was becoming shrill, and some small part of me worried someone would
hear, but right then my heart was pounding in my ears and I couldn’t bring
myself to care.

“Because
it’s true. Just what do you think this is, Bella?”

The
question hit me hard, precisely because it was the same thing I’d been pushing
aside for so long. All those casual, hot moments with him - all the little
stories, the things that made me feel like I was getting to know him. All the
little gestures, the moments of affection we never acknowledged.

I knew
what he thought this was. He said it often enough.

But
just because he said it didn’t make it true.

“Don’t
tell me this is just a fling, Seth. You know it isn’t.”

“No. I
don’t.”

His words
were clipped, hard and angry, as if I was the one destroying everything that
had grown between us.

The
way he touched me at night. The way he looked into my eyes. The way he told me
that this was the best sex he’d ever had.

“Seth,
you can’t honestly tell me—”

“Yes.
I can. Stop being a bitch, Bella - you know it as well as me. There’s nothing
more to this. There can’t be. Our parents are getting married in a few weeks.”

That
argument shut me up. It wasn’t
I don’t feel anything for you
or
this
doesn’t mean anything to me.

It was
this can’t be anything more.

That,
at least, was honest.

But so
were my feelings, and I couldn’t deny them. Not after tonight. I was done
fooling myself and pretending like it was all going to work out.

“This
doesn’t feel like a fling to me, Seth. I don’t want it to be.”

“Well,
tough shit, sugar. That’s life. It doesn’t work out how you want.”

I
couldn’t believe the way he was acting - it was like he was trying to make me
angry. To lock me down and push me away. I couldn’t stand it - and I couldn’t
stand what he was saying either.

“What
are you going to do, Bella? Go to your father and tell him ‘O
h, I’m sorry,
but I kind of slept with my stepbrother. Oh, and please, I hope you don’t mind,
because I kind of want to continue. You know. If that’s okay with you?’
”

The
biting words cut through me, his exaggerated mimic of the way I spoke to my
father filling me with dread. I could feel the contempt underlying it, and I’d
been harangued about it enough times for the strike at that sore spot to work.

“You’re
a bastard, Seth. A fucking bastard.”

Tears
were stinging my eyes, but I ignored them as I looked at him. It seemed like
all I’d done since he’d come into my life was cry.

“Pleased
to meet you.”

He
gave an ironic bow and turned to leave.

“Wait!”

I had
no idea why I called him back. He was an arrogant, stupid jerk that I should
have never let into my life. I just couldn’t see him go like that - damn it all
to hell, but he meant too much to me.

Even
from just this short time.

I’d
known this wasn’t a fling from the beginning. And I’d known it couldn’t work -
agreed with myself that I’d let it go when it came to it. But, damn it, I
wanted to fight. I wanted to fight so badly.

Why
the hell doesn’t he?!

It
didn’t even make sense - he had almost no respect for the rules, for our
parents.

Why
wasn’t he fighting for this?

The
callous glance he threw over his shoulder had my heart pounding, hurt and rage
warring within me.

I tried
stupidly to reason with him, to get him to understand.

“I
just wanted to get to know you, Seth. See your life. Understand you better.”

He
slowly shook his head, pausing with a hand on the balcony door.

“And I
didn’t want you there - that’s my life. I don’t bring casual flings into it.”

The
truth of that was more than obvious, but it hurt like hell to hear it. To know
that was how he saw me.

My
heart in my mouth, I watched helplessly as he opened the balcony door, my
stupid sentimental mind thinking it might be the last time he did.

“What
are you doing?”

“This
was always going to end, Bella. Seems like this is it.”

Chapter Seventeen

Seth

“You’re in a piss-poor mood, sailor. Go home.”

Dale’s
sharp words cut through me, leaving no doubt it was a command as I glanced up
in shock.

Obedience
was instinctive and the salute happened without thought, but I stalked more
than marched away, anger and confusion stirring in the barely controlled
whirlpool of emotions that had been with me the last few days. Sure, I’d been
snapping and growling at everyone around me long enough, and Dale had given me
plenty of subtle hints - but the phrase still hit me hard.

This
was
my home.

I knew
we were all encouraged not to stick around at base at these sorts of times -
just getting back from deployment usually gave you a month or two of light
duties. It meant most guys could see their families, try to adjust to normal
life for a bit before training started and then we were thrown back into a
world of chaos and terror.

If
you don’t have anything to do, don’t do it here.

The
phrase was oft-repeated, but since I’d never really wanted to be anywhere else
I tended to ignore it, and no one had objected to me sticking around.

At
least until I’d acted like an ass day-in day-out.

I
swore to myself as I collected my stuff from the barracks, grabbing the bag
with the civilian clothes I hadn’t bothered unpacking and heading to my truck,
having no idea what I was going to do now. This was where I belonged, where I
wanted to be, and I had no idea how long Dale’s order applied.

Probably
until I got my shit together.

Which
seemed impossible right about now.

The
phrase was still reverberating through me when I roared out of the car park,
cursing and heading nowhere in particular.

Go
home.

This
is my home, damn it.

It had
been ever since I’d passed BUD/S. Ever since I’d lived and breathed and got
shot at and killed with the guys around me. We were closer than family. At least
any family I’d ever known.

And I
didn’t fucking want any other.

These
guys could be trusted. With anything.

They
weren’t going to fuck me over.

It
hurt to know that the tight, unbreakable bond we shared didn’t mean the same as
home
for most of them.

They
had wives, and parents, and children and all the things I’d never cared about.

That
thought opened the whirlpool again, my crazed emotions spilling out as I drove
down the open road.

I
have a home. These guys can be trusted.

But my
mind turned to Bella. Again. Always. Relentlessly.

The
casual banter we’d shared, the laughter and fun and ease. The warmth that
simply being around her gave me. The look in her eyes when she saw me coming
towards her.

Her
hot, fiery, wildcat eyes. Her sweet, innocent, outraged eyes. Her lustful,
adoring, beautiful eyes.

They
haunted me. The pain, hurt and confusion accusing me as they followed me
through my mind.

It was
stupid - it couldn’t work. It was never going to be more than a fling.

A hot,
unbelievable, sexy-as-hell fling. With the best woman I’d ever known.

But
that was it - and it was over. Done.

I knew
Bella - there was no way she was going to do anything to upset her father. And
this was about as provocative as I could imagine. I wouldn’t ask her to do that
for me, put him between us like that. But that didn’t mean I was going to sit
around and wait for her to figure that out, wait until she chose his
sensibilities over whatever crazed thing was going on between us.

Sure,
maybe the ending didn’t have to be
quite
so offensive - but on the plus
side, she hadn’t tried to contact me. She understood it was over. There was no
doubt for either of us. Better that way.

Go
home.

Fuck
it. I didn’t have a home.

I
thought I’d found one in the Navy - and I had.

It
just wasn’t the kind of home that could sustain you, support you, invigorate
you. Not indefinitely. Not when it was tied to every violent, stressful moment
of your life.

Home.

I
didn’t want it.

It
made you weak and reliant on others, made you think they weren’t going to turn
around and let you down.

I
didn’t need it.

Becky’s
expression came to my mind, unwelcome but insistent as those fierce,
uncompromising eyes followed Ryan - full of the kind of love, pride and
acceptance I’d always discounted. I pictured Fiona again, with Ray standing
protectively over her, her hand wrapped around her belly and a soft smile on
her face as she leaned against him.

I saw
the way Bella looked at me. The things she brought out.

Fuck
it.

I swung
the truck around, heading in the direction that had become all too familiar.

It was
stupid. Crazy. Insane.

But
I’d never been one to follow the rules.

I
wanted her.

I
didn’t want to, but I fucking wanted her. More than anything I’d ever felt.

And I
wasn’t going to let her go like this.

She’d
wanted to be part of my life - she’d wanted me to let her in, admit that what
we had went beyond a simple lust-filled fling. Something I’d known since the
beginning and pushed away,
hard.

I’d
thought I could deal with it, that we could play with those dangerous things
and get over it in the end.

The
way it was consuming me made me think otherwise.

Damned
girl. Why the fuck does she have to be right?!

Everything
she’d said all along…I shook my head as I revved the engine hard at the lights,
plunging full speed ahead even as I had no idea what I was about to do.

I just
knew nothing else felt right.

I
didn’t know how to make it work, not with everything in the way, but damn it -
I couldn’t stop trying. She meant at least that much to me.

I’m
a Navy SEAL. Giving up is not an option.

That
was underneath every angry, messed up emotion I’d been struggling with - I’d
walked out.

She
hadn’t pushed, I’d just quit it.

I
don’t quit.

And I
couldn’t let myself start now. I might not know how I was going to win this,
but damn it, I would.

We
would.

I’d
give this crazy thing between us a chance and see what happened.

At
least, so long as could I convince her not to throw me out on my ass.

*  *  *

I
slipped into my room without anyone noticing, having already checked the pool
area that Bella liked to hang out at.

She
hadn’t been there - thank god. I didn’t want to risk this out in the open, and
I wasn’t sure I could wait.

It only
took a minute to slip out down my balcony and over to the piping I’d always
used to climb up to hers - the movements were familiar and automatic while I
tried to control my breathing and work out what the hell I was doing.

I
still didn’t know as I gave the room a quick glance - clear except for the girl
sitting at her desk, eyes in front of that computer she was entirely too fond
of.

Okay,
whatever deity watched over fools and idiots had been with me so far - let’s
hope my luck held.

I
opened the balcony door and stepped in, making more than my customary noise to
alert her.

I
couldn’t read her expression as she jumped up and looked at me, but whatever it
had been was quickly replaced with cold anger.

“What
the hell are you doing here, asshole?”

Probably
fair.

And
I fucking wished I knew.

I
stopped thinking, and just acted.

I was
in front of her in moments, and then I had her in my arms, the strength of my
body wrapped around her pretty, petite form as she glared up at me. The
stiffness made it clear I wasn’t welcome, but I couldn’t help myself. I’d
thought of nothing but this for days. I reached down gently to kiss her, a
gentle whisper across her lips as I inhaled her flowery, feminine scent. Her
mouth reacted for an instant, and I withdrew before she could object, letting
my hand cup her chin and tilt her face up to me as I tried to resist the urge
to crush her to me.

“I’m
sorry, babe. Fucking hell, I’m sorry. I’m a bastard.”

Her
eyes glistened with unshed tears and she pushed against me. I let her go, as
much as it tore at me.

“You
can’t just come back here like this! You left!”

“Fuck,
I know. I did. And I shouldn’t have—”

“Forget
it Seth. I’m done. I’m not interested in your twisted little fling. I’m fucking
mad as hell I let myself fall for it
again
and—”

“I
don’t want that.”

I
stepped closer, my arms going around her again as I looked into the eyes bright
with pain and anger.

“I
want you, baby-Bella. Properly. You were right - it was never a fling.”

Her
eyes brightened with tears and I couldn’t help myself - I leaned down and
kissed them away.

“What?”

“What
we were doing was never casual. It was never nothing. And I’m sorry as hell
that I ever wanted it to be.”

The
suspicion and distrust in her eyes hurt me and I kissed her again, my mouth still
soft and gentle against hers as she slowly let herself open to it - for just a
moment before she pulled back.

“No,
Seth. I can’t do this again. You…left and I’m…fucking…done…”

She
was hiccuping now, upset and struggling to get the words out. I tried to cup
her cheek again, but she pushed me away, and that seemed to give her a spurt of
anger enough to finish the sentence.

“Done
with waiting for the crumbs of your life you decide to share with me. With
crying over this ever-changing idea of what I mean to you.”

I put
my arms around her as she burst into tears, scrabbling at me a little before
she finally went still in my arms and gave into the comfort. Her words, her
pain, were tearing at me and I stood there for a long moment, rubbing her back
and murmuring softly. When the sobs calmed and she turned to glare at me again,
I took a deep breath.

“Listen,
Bella. Just listen to me for a moment, okay? And then, if you want, I’ll leave
and you’ll never have to see me again.”

She
didn’t say anything, but she didn’t stop me as I moved us over to sit on the
bed, one hand resting on her shoulder and playing with the ponytail of her
hair.

“You’re
right, okay? I shut you out. This…this whole thing might be new for you - having
your father introduce Cora and change everything about your life, but it’s not
for me. My mother’s brought more guys come into my life than I can remember -
some of them would stick around for weeks, or months, a couple even for years.
Some would barely have an impact, but others would change everything. Where we
lived, how we lived, what we did - everything. Most I didn’t give a shit about.
At the beginning, some of them, I did. Didn’t matter either way - every fucking
guy left.”

She
was looking at me with those big eyes of hers, and for some reason that was
what came out. I was telling her things I never thought I’d tell anyone. Things
I never thought about. Had never wanted to think about, and definitely not talk
about.

But it
was the truth and, hell, she deserved that I guess.

“That
doesn’t matter now, none of it does. I’ve got my own life - and it’s stable no
matter what my mother does. She can live however she wants, but at the end of
the day, I’ve always got that, and it matters a hell of a lot more than the
families
she ever built. I’ve never let her, or any of her guys, touch it. It’s
mine. And I didn’t want to get it mixed up with anything temporary. I’ve made
my own home, and I didn’t want to bring anything into it that was never going
to be permanent - that could never go anywhere.”

The
anger had slowly slipped away from her face, but her eyes were still too
bright. At least the sympathy I’d dreaded seeing wasn’t there, and she didn’t
seem so inclined to push me out of her room. Instead, she leaned against me and
sighed, shaking her head.

“Maybe
you were right. I wouldn’t have wanted to do that to you.”

Something
squeezed in my heart as I shook my head at her simple compassion. All the hurt
and anger it had caused…that she was willing to accept it was more than I’d
expected.

She
was a better person than I’d ever been.