Hold Me Close (4 page)

“Let’s put that away for now. Tonight is supposed to be about celebrating. You did accomplish something. Just because it wasn’t hard doesn’t take away from it.” He raised his glass in a toast. “To new beginnings.”

She tilted her glass toward his. “To great friends.”

While having lunch with Olivia had been good, a meal with Shane was always better. She relaxed around him, even after blurting out her issue with sex. She still couldn’t believe she’d done that. He was so cute with pink cheeks. She couldn’t recall ever seeing him blush before. Who’d’ve thought talking about
not
having sex would make Shane Callahan blush?

As she lay in bed that night rehashing her day, she couldn’t stop thinking about Shane and what he’d said.
If some guy can’t be patient and wait, then he doesn’t deserve you.
The words were lovely, and she wished she could believe them. Instead, she still felt like a freak.

Putting sex out of her mind, at least as far back as she could push it for a girl who hadn’t had any in so long, she focused on figuring out how to approach Ryan about a job. Sunday dinner was coming up fast and she needed a plan.

Hours later, Maggie woke, tangled in her sheets, her heart thumping. She froze for a minute and tried to figure out what woke her. She stared at the bedroom door, narrowing her eyes to see the knob. Still locked.

Her body was on full alert, and she waited for the memory of a nightmare to hit her, but it didn’t. She breathed a quiet sigh and closed her eyes again.

That’s when bits of the dream came back to her. Her nerves tingled, sending an erotic message all over her body. Her nipples were stiff peaks beneath her T-shirt. She didn’t know what was more frustrating—a useless nightmare or an unfulfilled sex dream. So much for putting sex out of her mind.

She thought of reaching over into the drawer to pull out her vibrator, but she was tired. She relaxed a little more as she moved her hand down over her stomach and into her pajama bottoms.

She was already wet. She wished she could remember the dream that had gotten her so horny. She stroked her clit in small circles. Her other hand went up her shirt and rolled her nipple between her thumb and forefinger. Her hips wiggled and thrust in their own rhythm. She plunged two fingers inside herself, feeling the slippery desire coating her.

As she rocked herself to orgasm, she glimpsed brief images of large hands caressing her. The guy in her fantasy was big but gentle. And faceless. She imagined his broad shoulders looming over her, his hands taking the place of hers. She tilted her head back and trained her mind’s eye to seek out his face. But it was too dark.

He moved slowly, carefully, bringing her to the peak of orgasm and holding her there. Her hips jutted up off the bed and her muscles shook. She rode the orgasm through the shuddering and then rolled over.

Masturbation took the edge off, but she knew it would be better with a partner. Being in control of her own orgasm limited her pleasure. She needed to be able to let go, but she didn’t know how. If only the guy in her dream became reality. Instinct told her he was someone she could trust to take her to new heights and hold her close as she came down.

She dozed back to sleep wondering if she’d ever find that guy.

Sunday dinner with the O’Learys was getting too big to fit in their family dining room. Maggie set the table and recounted the chairs. Brianna and Michael weren’t going to make it, but Colin had convinced Elizabeth she needed to come now that they were engaged. With Ryan and Quinn and Liam and Carmen, they should be fine. She had no idea what they were going to do when they all started having kids and needed more space. They’d made do at Christmas, but it had been crowded.

The front door swung open and Liam and Carmen came in. Guilt tugged at Maggie. She’d met Carmen at Christmas and had been pretty rude to her. Nothing about her family seemed to faze Carmen, but if they were going to be seeing each other often, Maggie knew she needed to do more than pretend.

She looked at Liam. “Did you remember dessert?”

Carmen held up a plate. “I made flan.”

“Interesting,” Maggie said, and eyed the dish. “Liam normally doesn’t let anyone mess with his dessert day. Mom might be disappointed it’s not cheesecake.”

Carmen’s face fell and Liam shot her a look. “Rude” was all he said as he brushed past holding Carmen’s hand.

Well, shit. She hadn’t been trying to be rude.

Carmen’s brown eyes iced over. Looked like Maggie had an apology to make. Again. “Carmen, wait,” she called out to Carmen’s back.

To her credit, Carmen released Liam’s hand and nodded for him to continue to the kitchen without her. She still held the dessert plate in front of her like a barrier.

“I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m sure the flan is delicious. Mom is set in her ways. When it’s Moira’s turn, we have brownies. When it’s any of the guys except Liam, they stop at Blackstone’s bakery. Although now that Ryan has Quinn, there are cookies and sometimes chocolate cake. Mom counts on Liam for cheesecake.”

“I guess that’s par for the course for me.”

Maggie took a deep breath. “I suck at this. I want to apologize for the way I treated you at Christmas.”

One of Carmen’s eyebrows rose.

Not only had Maggie been mean to Carmen, she’d been borderline racist. “I know you heard what I said to Liam then, and I’m sorry. I was out of line and bitchy. I don’t want to make excuses, but I was overwhelmed, and it was easy to strike out at an outsider. I really didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I wish I could believe that.”

“I would tell you it won’t happen again, but it would be a lie. I don’t always think before opening my mouth. Take the comment about flan, for example.” Maggie had no other way to explain that she had nothing against Carmen. It wasn’t personal. She just didn’t like change, but for her big brother, she’d suck it up.

“I get it, Maggie. It’s been tough, but I’m not going anywhere and I’m having a hard-enough time winning your mom over. I don’t need your crap.”

“I’m turning over a new leaf. No crap.” She tilted her head toward the kitchen. “Let’s go say hi and put this in the fridge. So you and Liam are serious, huh?”

“Yeah.” Carmen’s face broke into a huge smile, one that expressed the love she had for Liam.

Jealousy surged through Maggie.

In the kitchen, she watched as Carmen awkwardly greeted Eileen and whatever jealousy existed faded. Her mom was . . . cordial. Lame, but it was the best word Maggie could think to fit. She felt bad for Carmen, and the guilt returned.

Noise from the living room caught her attention, and Eileen rushed past them all because Ryan and Quinn arrived with the baby. No one could steal Eileen’s attention like baby Patrick. While she was gone, Liam took over the stove, which was another change. Mom never let anyone, even Liam, a trained chef, cook Sunday dinner.

Carmen moved beside Liam, so Maggie left the room. In the living room, the rest of her siblings had congregated. Colin and Elizabeth must’ve come in right after Ryan. Everyone greeted her, but Maggie still felt out of place. How was it that these new women appeared more at ease with her family than she did? Everyone settled in and chatted while they waited for dinner.

Maggie debated the best time to approach Ryan. Before dinner so he had time to cool off while they ate? Or after dinner because he’d be full and happy? She wished she could predict how he’d react. Forget it. She needed to get it out of the way.

“Hey, Ry, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure.” He rose from his spot on the couch and followed her into the kitchen.

Liam and Carmen looked at them, and Carmen tugged Liam’s elbow. “Let’s go see everyone else.”

“What’s up?” Ryan asked once they had left.

“I want to come back to work at the bar.”

“What?”

“I want to waitress. I need a job while I figure out what I’m going to do with my life.” One more thing on her list of getting herself un-fucked.

“I can probably get you a spot at Twilight. Or Colin might need help at the bowling alley.”

She didn’t want to work at Ryan’s other bar or at Colin’s place. “I want to work at O’Leary’s.”

“Why?” Worry filled his face. She knew that look, lived with it for far too long.

She released a slow breath. “Because I want to know I can.”

“I’m not looking for extra help right now.”

“Bullshit. Every time Michael has needed extra money, you’ve found shifts for him. When Colin came back, you made a spot for him too. I need to do this.”

He raked a hand through his hair. “What makes you think you’ll be okay? Because you managed to eat a meal there?”

“The truth is, I don’t know, but I need to find out. I need to get on with my life.”

He shook his head and let out a low chuckle. “I thought that’s what you were doing when you took off to Europe.”

Her arms flailed. “I don’t know what I’m doing. But I do know I’m tired of being afraid of something that should be part of my life. I’m an O’Leary, damn it, and I have a right to be part of the business.”

“But after everything with Todd . . .”

And there it was, the tiptoe effect. “I’m fine. I need to do this.”

His jaw twitched. “I’ll get you a few shifts. When do you want to start?”

“As soon as possible. Thanks.” She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. “One more thing,” she said against his chest.

“With you there always is.”

“Can I have an apartment above the bar?”

He sighed, which was a much better reaction than the yelling she’d expected.

“I need to have my own space, figure out my life. It’s hard to do that living with Mom.” She pulled back and looked up at him. “I don’t want my old apartment. I don’t think I’m that brave. But I don’t want to keep living with Mom. I love her and all, but it’s time for me to grow up.”

“There’s only one apartment available—my old one since Colin and Elizabeth moved in together.”

“Perfect.” She stepped out of his arms. With the other three apartments occupied, she’d make new friends.

“You’ll have to walk past your old apartment every day. Are you going to be okay with that?”

She swallowed. “I’ll have to be.”

“Did you tell Mom about this?”

She shook her head slowly. “Nope. I was kind of hoping you’d help with that.”

He stepped farther away. “Hell, no.”

“Come on, Ryan.” She batted her eyes at him in the way she had for as long as she could remember. It worked on all of her siblings, except Moira.

“Nope. You want to grow up, you deal with Mom.”

She crossed her arms. “Fine.”

Back in the living room, she joined everyone and played with her baby nephew. She felt like she’d missed so much while she’d been gone. But being back caused conflicting emotions. She was happy to be with her family, yet disconnected because she had no idea what she was doing.

As much as she wanted to be with them, she itched to get away, escape the sidelong glances, worried brows, and hushed whispers about her.

CHAPTER 4

S
hane hefted another sheet of drywall and screwed it in place. He’d worked all day Saturday and into Sunday afternoon, so most of the drywall in the apartment was hung. A couple of guys from work helped him for a few hours on Saturday. Knowing they were working above a bar acted as an incentive, because Shane bought them plenty to drink when they called it a night.

Ryan had gotten the radiators working and now the temperature in his place ran the other extreme. Sweat snaked down his back and dripped off his face. The damn things couldn’t be regulated, and he didn’t have the time or inclination to determine which ones to turn off to make himself more comfortable. Instead, he’d been walking around in nothing but his boxers except when he was working.

He looked at the time and wondered how Maggie’s conversation with Ryan went. He hoped Ryan was smart enough to pretend not to know she was going to ask. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he debated how much more work he wanted to do. Bottom line, he was exhausted, but he wanted to get as much done before he had to start shadowing Maggie.

He pulled a beer from the fridge and popped the top. He gulped down half and decided he could work a while longer. Moving to the small kitchen window, he cracked it open and a rush of cold air blew in. He definitely needed to get the temperature balanced. Maybe he’d stop by and see how his neighbors handled it. Ryan had said all of the apartments were full, but he’d yet to meet anyone.

With the radio to keep him company, he cut the next sheet of drywall and installed it. By the time he finished his bottle of beer, he had the drywall completely hung and his stomach growled. He stripped off his sweaty shirt, but before he made it to the bathroom, his phone rang.

When he saw Maggie’s face on the screen, he smiled and answered. “Hey.”

“Hi. Busy?”

“Not right at the moment. You have good timing. I’m quitting for the night.” He used his shirt to wipe his head.

“Quitting? I thought your dad never worked on Sundays.”

“He doesn’t, but I have some work to do on my new apartment.” He hoped leading with the information might look less suspicious.

“New apartment? When did you move?”

“I just moved into an apartment above O’Leary’s. I was going to talk to you about it to make sure you’d be okay with it, but you seem to be doing good. Besides, Ryan made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I do the work, I live rent-free.”

“Really? We’re going to be neighbors?”

“I guess your talk with Ryan went well, then?”

“Yeah, he handled it way better than I expected. Which makes more sense now that I know you’re living there. Why didn’t he tell me?”

“I don’t know.”

“What made you look for an apartment there?”

“I wasn’t looking. I asked Ryan for my old job back. Cara’s decided that she definitely wants law school, so I figured I’d work a few extra hours to help pay for it.” He hoped the minor lies about his sister wouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass. Cara was headed to law school, but Maggie didn’t need to know she had scholarship money. He’d helped pay for Alyson’s tuition, so Maggie would believe he’d do the same for his other sister. “When I talked to him about the job, he offered the apartment.”

“So you’re working at the bar too.” Her voice was quiet as if she was processing the whole situation.

“Yeah.” He waited, not sure what tactic to take next.

“Son of a bitch.” It was a quiet curse, not her calling him names. “Why would he do this?”

“What?”

“He just can’t trust me. I know what I’m doing. I don’t need a fucking babysitter because Todd is out.”

“It’s not like that.” He was losing ground fast.

“What? You couldn’t find
any
other bar to work at?”

“I didn’t try. And I asked before I knew anything about Todd.” That nugget of truth might be the only thing to save him here. “You said you were going to work here and I thought it would be like old times. When you talked about the time I hit Michael with a dart, it brought back happy memories for me too.”

“But I’m sure Ryan had an ulterior motive. He always does. He doesn’t think I can take care of myself.”

“I can’t speak for Ryan, but I figured if I’m going to be stuck working extra hours, I might as well enjoy myself. I’ve missed you.”

“That’s all there is to it?”

“Of course.” He felt as if he’d won her over. She’d be furious if she found out he really was there to watch over her.

She huffed a small laugh. “Yeah, we had some fun. No beer pong. I’m too out of practice. You’ll kick my ass.”

“I always kick ass at beer pong.” He released a sigh of relief. Everything was going according to plan. “Remember the time you tried to get us all to do that line dance thing?”

“What?”

“You have to remember. Your dad was there and you put it on the jukebox and started grabbing everyone.”

“Oh, my God. The Cupid Shuffle.” She broke off in a fit of laughter and the sound made his heart swell.

He didn’t say another word. He simply listened until she caught her breath.

“I think that’s the last happy memory I have of my dad. He couldn’t follow a beat to save his life. And if I recall, you weren’t much better.”

“Hey, I wasn’t that bad.”

“Sure you weren’t.”

“Maybe you need to give me some more lessons.”

She laughed again and in that moment everything was right in his world. He felt like he’d dodged a bullet. He just hoped he was out of range if she ever found out the truth.

Maggie eased into working at the bar by waitressing during a few lunch shifts. The menu hadn’t changed much over the years, so she just needed to learn the new computerized register system.

When she’d worked here before, everything was old school because that was the way their dad liked it. Sometime after she stopped working, Ryan had upgraded. She met a few of her coworkers, and Jenna and Mary were her go-to people when she had questions. Although Mary had been the manager for years, Jenna had been waitressing and bartending long enough that she knew pretty much everything.

The lunch shift kept her busy mostly because she helped prep for dinner, but the tips were meager. She needed some later shifts in order to be able to pay bills. It was bad enough some waitresses assumed that because her last name was O’Leary she didn’t really work. Having her mother or her brother have to pay her cell phone bill would be humiliating. Been there, done that.

After finishing her shift, she filled her car with the boxes that had arrived from Ireland, along with her suitcase. She didn’t have any furniture other than her twin-sized bed she’d had since she was a kid.

Ryan had said that Colin had left the couch behind, so she planned to sleep on that until she had a new bed delivered.

As she pulled up behind O’Leary’s, she paused. Her heart beat faster. Maybe she should’ve done a walk-through first like she had at the bar, just to make sure she could do this. She stared at the wooden steps that led to the apartments. Then she closed her eyes and waited for some memory to hit her from that night. She had to have stumbled up those stairs, but she had no recollection.

She swallowed hard and parked illegally as close to the stairs as she could. It was still cold out and she’d have to make about ten trips to get her stuff inside. The smart move would’ve been to call some of her siblings to help. Instead, she’d thought it’d be a good idea to do this alone.

Sometimes she could kick herself.

Balancing one box in her arms, she juggled the keys to get inside. Getting through the first door was bad enough that she set the box down next to her door. She glanced at the other apartments and wondered which one was Shane’s. Rolling her eyes at herself, she unlocked the door to her apartment. She kicked the box through the doorway.

The apartments all had similar layouts: a short hallway that led to a small kitchen on the left and the living room opening to the right. Hook a left past the kitchen to get to the bathroom and the bedroom. In her old apartment, the layout had been the opposite.

Ryan’s black leather couch sat in the middle of the living room. The single piece of furniture looked lonely in front of the empty entertainment center. She needed to go shopping.

But first, boxes. After one more quick glance, she locked up and went back to her car.

When she got outside, she saw Shane leaning into her car. Although looking at just his ass shouldn’t have been enough of a clue, she knew it was him. He straightened from the car holding two stacked boxes.

Maggie walked up behind him. “You know, stealing is illegal.”

He looked at her over the top of the boxes. “Like you have any crap I’d want to steal.”

“You don’t have to help me.”

“I know you don’t need my help. I want to help. Would it kill you to just accept it?”

“Thank you.”

He walked past her and up the stairs, making her boxes look like they were empty. She grabbed her suitcase and backpack and followed him. Inside the hall, she paused in front of the door to her old apartment. Just beyond that door, her ex-boyfriend had raped her while she’d been drunk and drugged.

It was just a door to an apartment. She didn’t even have actual memories, just vague feelings. Suddenly, Shane was in front of her.

“You okay?”

“Yep.”

He took the suitcase from her and led the way back to her new apartment and waited while she unlocked the door. He carried the suitcase to the couch and set it down. Then he scooted a box in front of the door to keep it propped open.

As she followed him back out into the hall, her stomach clenched, and she swallowed down bile. She didn’t know if she could leave her door wide open and go outside. Anyone could get in.

But if she kept locking it on every trip, Shane would know what a freak she was. She swallowed again. Besides, Shane was with her. He would never let anything bad happen.

They worked in silence until her car was empty. She moved her car to a legitimate parking space, and when she went back upstairs Shane was standing in the hall, leaning against the door to the adjacent apartment.

She didn’t know what to say to him. How could he not know that she needed to do this? “Thanks for the help.”

“Anytime.”

She walked past him toward her door.

“So that’s the way it’s going to be from now on? We’re nothing more than neighbors?”

His words held a hint of edginess, which was unlike Shane, especially when directed at her.

“For now, yeah. I’m still pissed that Ryan has you spying on me.”

“I told you that’s not the case.”

She spread her arms wide. “Yet here you are on the day I move in, when I didn’t tell anyone my plan.”

“That’s coincidence. I live here.”

She crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

“Ryan is worried. He can’t help it. He needs to know you’re safe.”

“Well, I am. Thanks for your concern.”

He shook his head and went inside his apartment.

Her heart sank. She should enjoy having her best friend live next door. She had someone to hang out with whenever she got lonely. Who wouldn’t love to live near her best friend? She couldn’t quite put her finger on why the whole situation irritated her, but it did. None of it should’ve surprised her. This was normal behavior from her big brother.

Maggie spent the next few hours unpacking her stuff. It was kind of difficult since she didn’t have a dresser for her clothes or shelves for her books. In the bedroom, her brothers had left a trunk she pulled into the living room to use as a table. Too bad the entertainment center they left didn’t come with a TV.

She unpacked what she could and broke up the boxes. The remaining boxes she shoved against the wall. She set up her computer and started looking for something to stream online. Just as she settled on
Downton Abbey
, there was a knock on her door. She rolled her eyes but went to the door. Without opening it, she called, “Go away, Shane.”