Hold Me Close (5 page)

“It’s not Shane.”

Moira. She swung the door open. “What are you doing here?”

“I stopped by the house and Mom said you were moving in today, so I thought I’d stop by. Shane let me in as he was leaving. He’s living here too?”

“Don’t remind me. Come on in.”

Moira held up a pan. “I brought housewarming gifts: brownies and a six-pack of beer. I know you don’t drink and beer doesn’t go with brownies anyway, but it’s always nice to have drinks to offer guests.”

Maggie smiled. She should’ve asked Moira to help her move. Her sister was always fun. “I’ll make a pot of coffee. You cut the brownies.”

“Excellent. I think we have much sisterly catching up to do.”

They settled on the couch with coffee and chocolate and talked. And talked some more. The whole time, Maggie knew Moira hedged around something, which wasn’t like her at all.

“What do you want to know, Moira? You’re dancing around like I don’t know you.”

Moira set her cup on the table. “Why are you really living here?” She held up a hand. “Before you answer, don’t give me the same bullshit lines you’ve given everyone else. If you were just looking to get away from Mom to move on and make a life, it wouldn’t need to be here.”

Maggie pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. Of course, Moira would know there was more to it. “Something’s holding me back from being normal, being myself. At least the self I used to be. I’m trying to figure out what it is.”

“First, you have to know you’ll probably never be the same person. Hell, most of us aren’t the same people we were five years ago, and we didn’t experience anything traumatic. Second, holding you back from what?”

“Guys. Relationships. Sex.”

“Hmmm . . . I might need a beer for this.” But she didn’t move. Instead, she settled back on the couch and waited for Maggie to continue.

“I’m missing out on things. Like having a boyfriend. And when I’m at the house and I see all you guys in love and getting married and stuff, it’s hard. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I am.”

“You’ll find a guy when you’re ready.”

“Shut up. Now who’s throwing out lame lines like everyone else?”

“What about that guy Ian you were dating in Ireland? What happened with him?”

“I liked him. A lot. But I couldn’t have sex with him. I wanted to, but then, when it came time, I froze.”

“Wait a minute.” Moira shifted closer. “Are you saying you haven’t had sex at all since you were raped?”

“That’s what I’m saying. I fly solo often enough, but it’s not the same, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. I had no idea. You started dating again, so I thought things were better for you. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What good would that have done? It’s not like you could do anything for me.”

“What does your therapist say?”

“That when I’m ready it’ll happen. But what the fuck? It’s been almost five years. I feel ready. I want to have a relationship, and Christ, do I want sex. I miss being intimate with a guy.” She hugged her legs closer. Saying this to Moira was easier than expected, but as sisters, they’d often shared all the details of their lives.

“I understand.”

Maggie shot her a look.

“Okay, I don’t totally understand. Five years is a long time. But what does working and living at the bar have to do with that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe nothing. But like I said, I feel ready. I’ve had dates with some good guys. I’m not afraid to go out. Todd doesn’t occupy my thoughts anymore. The only thing I haven’t confronted in all this time is the bar.” She sighed and laid her head on her knees. “And if it’s not this, I don’t have any other ideas.”

“We’ll figure it out. Maybe you just need to relax and date without worrying about the sex. How can you enjoy yourself and get to know a guy if you’re all stressed about screwing him?” She picked up her coffee again and drank.

“I know. But it’s hard. And Dr. Janzen said I absolutely have to tell the guy about the rape, but that’s a hard conversation to have.”

“So start with dating.”

“I am. Olivia has me set up for a blind date tomorrow. Coffee in the afternoon. She showed me his picture. He’s cute.”

“Cool. That’s a start.”

“But I’m nervous. I feel like I’m wearing a huge flashing sign that says ‘I haven’t gotten laid in five years.’”

Moira snorted. “I happen to know lots of guys would line up to help you remedy that.”

“If only it were that easy.” She sighed. “Enough about me. Tell me about you and Jimmy. Is he as hot as I imagine him?”

“Eww . . . don’t tell me you fantasize about my fiancé.”

“I don’t. But come on. I have eyes.” She relaxed again and stretched out her legs until her feet rested on the trunk.

“Yes. He is.”

Maggie looked at her sister, whose cheeks were flaming. “Details, please.”

“You really want details?”

“Yeah.”

“You know how Jimmy’s always been bossy? Yeah, that carries over into bed. He wants to be in charge all the time, but it’s sexy because it’s not all about him. That man has some singular focus, let me tell you.”

Maggie smiled. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell me
everything
. I’ll never be able to look at Jimmy again.” She thought about what it would be like to have a relationship like that. To be with a man who would take control but not frighten her. Her mind went back to her recurring fantasy of the big dude with the gentle touch.

Moira poked her leg. “Where did you just go? Please say you weren’t fantasizing about my man.”

“No.” Maggie debated telling her. What the hell? This was Moira. “I was thinking about a fantasy I’ve been having when I’m alone. It’s the same guy, but he’s faceless. He’s a big guy with great arms. His hands are huge. He kind of dwarfs me. But he’s gentle, knows exactly what to do. Listening to you talk about Jimmy made me think of him.”

“I guess I have a mission now. I have to find a guy to match your mystery man. Any other clues as to what he looks like?”

“He’s imaginary, sis. There is no finding him.”

“We’ll see.” She stood. “I’m going to go home now. Let me know if you need any more help getting settled.”

“Are you free tomorrow? I have shopping to do. I need furniture.”

“Sure. Give me a call.” She shrugged into her coat and headed to the door.

Maggie followed to lock up. As Moira opened the door, Shane stood there with his fist poised to knock.

Moira patted his shoulder. “Hi, again. Actually, good-bye, again. One of these times we’ll both be heading in the same direction at the same time.”

“I had some leftover pizza. Thought you girls might be hungry.”

“Sorry, can’t stay.” Moira brushed past him, but then made some crazy gestures.

Maggie stared at her until she understood. Moira stood there, waving her arms and mouthing, “He’s a big guy.” Then she snorted a laugh.

Shane turned, and Moira waved before ducking out the exterior door. Heat rose to Maggie’s cheeks. Moira knew that wasn’t her relationship with Shane. But then she turned her attention back to him, needing to crane her neck to meet his eyes. Yes, he was definitely big.

“You think pizza is supposed to fix everything?”

“It was worth a shot.” He held out the small box.

She sighed. “You’re in luck. I didn’t eat dinner, unless you count the brownie I had with Moira.” She took the box and he stepped back. “You can come in.”

He smirked. Damn man knew she wouldn’t be able to stay mad. She took the pizza to the living room and plopped on the couch.

“You don’t have a TV?”

“Not yet.” She glanced at him as she bit into the not-quite-warm pizza. “Wait a minute. Did you bring pizza as an excuse to get access to my apartment because you thought I had a TV?”

“No. I brought you pizza because you like it. I hoped I could score an invite to watch TV. My apartment is a job site.” He strode across the room and sat beside her.

“You helped me bring my stuff in. You didn’t see a TV then.”

He shrugged.

“I have my computer ready. I was going to watch a show when Moira showed up.”

He looked at the laptop on the table. “It’s not a very big screen.”

“We’ll make do.” She scooted closer to him and pulled the computer onto her lap to scroll through movies and TV shows. Her knee bumped his and she was suddenly hyperaware of him. He smelled fresh from a shower and warmth rolled off his skin. She was
not
supposed to notice these things. Damn Moira.

This was what life was supposed to be. Shane settled back into the couch with Maggie curled up next to him to watch TV like they had hundreds of times over the years. For the past few days, he’d been torn up knowing she was angry. Knowing they were in the same city without talking every day felt weird. They’d talked almost every day when she was halfway around the world.

He probably should’ve felt bad for throwing Ryan under the bus, but he didn’t. If Maggie knew this was all Shane’s idea, she might figure out how to stay mad. He needed to be in her corner, and she wouldn’t believe that if she knew the truth.

Maggie finished a second piece of pizza and stood. “You want something? Moira brought beer.”

He twitched. Although he drank, he never did with Maggie. He always figured that if she wasn’t drinking, it made her uncomfortable. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure she brought it. I put it in the fridge myself.” She looked at him like he was crazy.

“No. Are you sure it won’t bother you?”

“Why would it?”

He shifted forward and put the laptop back on the table. “Because you don’t drink.”

She continued to stare at him and her head tilted. “I choose not to drink because I don’t like to feel out of control.” She bit down on her bottom lip. “The last time I lost control like that, it didn’t end well. But it doesn’t bother me to be around people who drink. Shit. My whole family drinks. I work at a
bar
.”

Her eyes popped wide and she sank back to the couch. “You never drink around me. Why did I not realize that before?”

“Because it’s not important.”

“Yeah, it is.” She reached out and stroked his jaw. “You gave up drinking so I wouldn’t get upset. You’re the best kind of friend.”

With her hand on his face like that, he had a hard time keeping his thoughts friendly. “Don’t go overboard. I didn’t give up drinking altogether, just in front of you.”

“It’s still sweet.” She rose and went to the kitchen. When she came back, she held out a bottle of beer.

He accepted and said, “Thanks,” as he twisted the cap off.

Maggie sat and watched as he drank from the bottle.

“Ready for another show?”

She nodded and snuggled beside him again. If this was all he’d get out of life, he’d be happy. Maggie was safe and with him. At some point he might even be able to make a move to change their relationship. Every time he considered it, something stood in his way. At first, it was other guys. As a teen, she was rarely without a boyfriend. Then she’d been raped, and his greatest fear was that he would lose her, that she wouldn’t want to be near him because he hadn’t stopped it from happening. And then just as they seemed to be moving in that direction, she took off to Europe.

Part of him wanted to grab her and kiss her and tell her she’d always be safe with him.

But it would freak her out. She was still battling her demons. So he would wait until she was ready. He would have only one shot and he couldn’t afford to blow it.

Maggie was shoving at his shoulder, and he squinted at her. Damn. He’d fallen asleep.

“I would let you stay asleep, but this is my bed.”

He pushed forward. “What?” He rubbed his eyes.

“I don’t have a bed yet. I’m going shopping tomorrow. Until then, this is my bed.” She pointed at the couch.

“Why did you move if you don’t have furniture?”

She lifted a shoulder. “Anxious, I guess.”

He stood and stretched. “Sorry I fell asleep. Guess I was more tired than I thought.” He took his empty beer bottle to the kitchen. “Trash can?”

“On the shopping list for tomorrow.”

He shook his head. The girl hadn’t planned for anything. “I have a queen-sized bed. You’re welcome to share it with me.”

She chewed her lip again. “No, that’s okay. I’ll be fine here.”

He rolled his shoulders. They’d often crashed together, always fully clothed, a safe distance between them. The first time, they’d still been in high school, and he’d thought for sure the O’Learys were going to skin him. He and Maggie had studied late for finals and fell asleep. After that, it had been normal.

In fact, the one thing that told him they were okay after the rape was that she’d asked him to stay with her one night.

“You know where to find me if you change your mind.” He let himself out of her apartment and walked next door. As he unlocked his apartment, the door behind him opened. He turned to see his neighbor.