Holding On (22 page)

“
Oh my god
.
You
are a genius!” She was screaming, clapping her hands, and bouncing in her seat. I don’t think she even realized
it.

“Wow.
That’s
a
really
great
idea,”
Jill
added.
She
seemed
to
be
a
bit too
much
of
a
follower
sometimes.
They
all
did.
It
was
like
Natalie
was
up
on
a
pedestal,
and
all
her
friends
were
bowing
down
at
her
feet.
I
was
not going to be like that. “Who are you going to ask,
Natalie?”

“I don’t
know.
I haven’t thought about anyone else for the last
year or so, even before he-who-shall-remain-nameless and I started
dating.”

I could hear the anger in her voice when she was talking about
him again.

Jill and Natalie brainstormed about who she should ask for the
rest of
lunch.
I
kept
out
of
their
conversation
since
I
wasn’t
sure
who
any
of the guys were. I felt a little bad for the poor soul who was chosen
since
it
was
my
idea,
and
I
felt
a
little
bad
for
her
ex,
even
though
I
figured
he deserved it.   Revenge was not my style, but it kind of sounded like she
wanted him back, and this would be the best way to make him
jealous.

By
the
end
of
lunch,
they
had
picked
their
“victim”
and
were
setting off to find him. Since Natalie would be riding
with

Morgan if all went well, I was going to be picking Jill up
instead since she didn’t have a
car.
We
were going to meet at this
guy’s
house at eight
thirty.

The rest of the day went by quickly. I was nervous about going to this party but also very excited. It really did sound like fun, and
maybe I
would
be
able
to
make
a
few
more
friends,
not
that
I
didn’t
like
the ones
I
had.
I
was
used
to
being
so
busy
with
tennis
that
the
few
close friends
that
I
kept
at
home
were
all
that
I
ever
needed.
Right
now,
I was anything but
busy.
Tennis
tryouts weren’t for another week, and if I didn’t make the team, then I was going to be really bored here until
I went home for the
summer.

Just
as
the
bell
rang
for
school
to
be
over,
I
found
myself
alone in
the
yearbook
office,
finishing
up
the
advertising
letters
I
had
been working on that week. I heard the bell, then I heard the door open
and close a bunch of times, and just as I was getting ready to print the
final draft that needed to be approved, I heard the door one last
time.

“Ms.
Phillips
I’m
in
here,”
I
called
out
to
her.
She
had
been
in a
meeting
with
some
of
the
students
for
most
of
the
class,
trying
to finalize
the
layout
of
the
book.
I
still
needed
to
get
her
approval
before
I could
send
the
letters
out.
“I
need
you
to
approve
the
final
draft
so
that
I can—”
I
turned
around
as
I
was
talking
to
her
and
stopped
midsentence, realizing that she was not the one who had come back in the
room.

“Hey,”
he
said.
There
was
a
long
pause,
and
when
I
finally
got the courage to look up from my shoes, I noticed that he was staring
at his. Neither of us felt comfortable around each other apparently or
at least
we
knew
we
couldn’t
make
eye
contact.
“I
know
you
have
been avoiding me, but can we talk for a
minute?”

“Um, I really don’t have time. I need to get home.” I was
talking fast
all
the
sudden
and
shoving
things
in
my
bag.
I
grabbed
the
letter
off the printer and put it in Ms. Phillips’s mailbox for editing. As I
moved toward
him,
my
feet
slowed
on
their
own.
I
wanted
to
run,
but
apparently my legs didn’t agree with
me.

He
put
his
hand
on
my
shoulder
and
moved
in
front
of
me.
His
hands
slid
down
my
arms
and
ended
up
on
my
waist.
At
that
point,
I
was
having a hard time controlling my breathing and was still afraid to
look at him.
Deep breath in, exhale,
repeat.

When
I
finally
had
the
courage
to
look
up
at
him,
he
was
staring right into my eyes, into my soul. I couldn’t look
away.
I was drawn
to him at that moment. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers
through his
hair,
tug
on
his
barbell,
pull
myself
into
his
arms,
and
inhale
the scent that was only his. I shook the thoughts from my mind and
looked
away.

“Will you please take a few minutes and talk to me?” He
sounded
like he was begging, and I gave in with the slightest nod of my head.
I don’t think that I even realized that I was nodding until it was over
and I had
agreed.

We
sat on opposite sides of the desk, but the room was small,
and suddenly
I
felt
too
close
to
him
again.
I
knew
that
we
needed
to
have
this talk. I had been avoiding this for weeks, and just when I was about
to speak
up,
my
phone
vibrated
in
my
pocket.
I
put
up
my
finger
to
let
him know I’ll be a minute, and I walked out of the office to take the
phone call, not really caring who it was at that
moment.

“Hello?” I said, the relief apparent in the one word that I
spoke.

“Hey,
it’s
Natalie.
I
managed
to
get
a
date
for
me,
but
he
has
a friend
and
since
I’m
pretty
sure
you
aren’t
seeing
anyone,
I
told
him
we
could
double.”

I
glanced
through
the
window
of
the
office
and
felt
a
bit
of
relief wash over me for some reason. “Sounds fun,” I
replied. “What about Jill,
though?”

“She’ll
be
fine.
We’ll
meet
up
like
we
planned.
You
bring
Jill
to
the
party,
and I’ll bring Ben, your
date.”

“Okay.
I’ll see you a little after eight then.
Later.”

After
I
hung
up,
I
went
back
into
the
office
and
felt
a
little
more confident. I didn’t know who this Ben person was, but I had a date,
and I could use that as a way to get out of this conversation, maybe. Did
I really
want
to
get
out
of
having
the
conversation?
My
body
was
on
high alert being so close to him, and I really just wanted to kiss him. I
was
standing in the doorway, staring at the back of his neck, watching
him intently
when
I
made
my
decision.
I
couldn’t
let
my
body
dictate
this decision.

“Let’s
make
this
quick,”
I
started,
trying
to
sound
in
control,
pressed for time, irritated. I knew how I was trying to sound, but as the
words
vibrated
through
my
ears,
I
sounded
breathless.
“I
have
plans,
and
I need to get home.” I’m pretty sure that I whispered that last
sentence.