Holding On (34 page)

“
Thank you so much, I’m
better but I’m scared.  I wish Hem were here.  I swear I
don’t remember anything.  I thought I remembered that he was
in the shower, but he’s gone.  I don’t know.”  She is
starting to sound tired and confused.

“
Honey, we are all tired.
 How about we all catch just a few minutes of sleep.
 It’s only 7 o’clock in the morning so we have all day to wait
for Hem and this will help us pass some time, okay?”

I can see she agrees immediately
because she instantly relaxes and leans her head back, eyes closed,
then she’s out.

I look at Ace, he and I
are having a silent conversation while both of us look to his hand
as she clutches it even in sleep.  I’m warning him that it has
to stay right there in hers and nowhere else.  He gives me a
scowl as if to tell me to mind my own business, but he promised me
and I’m making him hold that promise.  He heard what the
doctor said and if her blood pressure is in question then Ace needs
to suck it up or go home.  I grab the phone from her bed,
since she finally let go of it to grab onto Ace.  I make my
way towards the couch at the other end of the room so I can close
my eyes as well.  I’m so tired.  Sending a quick text to
Peyton, telling her I won’t be there this morning or tomorrow, I
lay down and get comfortable.  I’m asleep almost
immediately.

Mumbles have filled the
room.  I look at my phone to check the time, shit I’ve missed
4 calls!  Damn!   I look at the time and holy crap, it’s
almost noon.  Double damn!  All the calls are from Hem
and I bet that man is fuming at me.  

Then I hear it.  All
was quiet just moments ago, but then I hear the news and I want to
go back to sleep immediately because Sadey’s reaction scares me
sick. I could not have heard right, please no.

“
Doctor umm no. You’ve got
my tests wrong.  You’ve got someone else’s file.  I
cannot be pregnant.  I cannot be a mother right now.  You
don’t understand, Hem and I... we are working things out.  We
are happy.  A baby would... oh god no... he will hate
me.”

After she says this, Ace
is on his feet in fury.  He’s running his hands over his now
crew cut length hair.  He’s angry.  Sadey is pregnant, so
of course he’s pissed.  I think the reality that she is really
with Hem has finally hit him and it is overwhelming him right in
front of my eyes.

My mind starts to work and
now I need to release some frustration on Ace’s behalf. “Why in the
hell did you just tell a room full of people about her having a
baby?”  I’m so pissed, what the hell happened to privacy?
 Because of this stupid on call doctor I’ve got a whole lot of
shit to deal with and I’ve not even had the indulgence of my
morning cup of Joe!

My phone chooses then to
ring, of course it is Hem.  Why wouldn’t it be?  Damn
damn.  I slide to ignore.  He knows how this works and
he’s going to freak out on me.  I hit mute on the ringer
because now that I’ve done that, he won’t stop calling.

“
I apologize Ms. Cash I
was under the impression this was family.  Are you not the
father?”   He looks to Ace with a questioning stare.
 Shit, open wound and insert more salt.

“
No, I’m her friend.
 I love her sure, but I’m her friend just the same.”  Wow
Ace, way to get that jab in there at a completely inappropriate
time.  Sneaky bastard.

“
Doctor, you need to go
out there and find my file and fix it.  I am not pregnant!
 I fainted remember?  That’s why I’m here?  Hello?
If I’m only just pregnant then why did I faint?  One isn’t
related to the other.” Yep, my Sadey, this is what McSteamy does to
a girl.  All common sense and medical knowledge leaves the
building.  Gah!

“
Ma’am yes, it is true
that you did come into the ER in an ambulance because you fainted.
After many tests that were performed after your arrival, it has
been established that your blood pressure varies dramatically in
short spans of time. It has also been concluded that what finally
caused your episode was that you had experienced a rapid drop in
blood pressure.  This is not entirely uncommon in pregnancy,
especially the first trimester.  I’m definitely not an expert
in this, so we are going to have someone come for you to do a full
pelvic exam so we know how far along you are and if there are any
complications.  Until then, you rest and we are going to see
about letting you leave here this evening, depending on your
progress throughout the day and how well your body responds to
treatment and rest.”

She says nothing.
 She’s in tears so I know she’s not holding together well.
  Ace moves back to her and sits on the bed.  He
wraps his arms around her shoulders and pulls her to him.  She
grabs his shirt chanting through tears, “I’m not pregnant, I’m not
I’m not I’m not.”  I look at him holding her, neither of us
know what to say so we let her cry it out until she can compose
herself again. This takes a while.

When she does finally stop
crying and starts talking, Ace and I are stunned hearing what comes
out of that beautiful mouth.  “I’m not telling Hem.  You
are not telling him either, okay?  I mean it, neither of you
are saying anything about this to anyone.  It is only between
us.  I hate to use this against you guys but if either of you
love me at all, you will keep this quiet.”

Ace lets go of her and
stands up, he’s on same side bed as I am and we are standing next
to each other looking down at her like this time she’s really lost
her mind.

He reaches to her giving
her a comforting touch as he moves her hair behind her ear. “Sadey
bug, you can’t just keep this from him.” He runs his fingertips
across her forehead now, keeping his touch on her. He continues and
botches the comforting streak he had going though, as only a man
can. “You know you’re just going to keep getting bigger, right?”
 Jesus Ace, just say it.  She’s going to be growing a
Goddamn watermelon in there.  This man is nuts,
seriously.

I need to stop his
ridiculous attempts at calming my dear friend. “Sadey, you have to
tell Hem. Not only because it’s the right thing to do because he’s
the father but because you need some support right now.  You
are obviously not okay with this news honey, and you and I both
know that Hem calms you.”

“
No.  He won’t want
it.  Then he won’t want me. I’m not ready to let him go, Mace.
Come on, I just got him!  Promise me please, both of you right
now, promise me you are going to let me deal with this my own way.
 Please help me keep him for just a while longer. I will tell
him when I’m ready but please you guys I’m not ready to say goodbye
to him yet.”

Damn.  Hem should know but
keeping it from him for just a few weeks shouldn’t hurt an already
bad situation, I hope.

“
Okay, alright, Sadey bug.
But you know he’s my brother and my Pres.  I have to tell you
that although I love you, I am only giving you four weeks to tell
him. That’s the best I’m going to do here. I’m sorry but if
you haven’t told him by then, I will.”  Very grown up and
diplomatic answer, Ace!  Friggin genius.

“
I agree and I’m with you
and Ace on this.  We will keep this quiet for you but honey,
you do not need four weeks to talk to him.  I think Hem will
surprise you.  He loves kids and he will be so happy when you
tell him he’s going to be a daddy.”

“
No
Mace.  He won’t but if a month is all I have with them then
I’m taking it.  Sorry to put you guys in middle of this. God,
how did this happen? Why did this have to happen,
now
?”  She’s ashamed
and sad.  

I can sense Ace tensing a
bit as he tells her goodbye. “I’ve got to take off now that I know
you are okay. I’m going to run and shower, check on the Club and
come back in a little bit.  Do you need anything from home or
anywhere else? I can bring you anything you need, Bug.”  God
he’s so so sweet.

“
No, but thank you and
thank you for being here for me.”  Ace glares at me, and I
don’t understand why until the bastard bends down and kisses Sadey
on her cheek, then her forehead and whispers goodbye almost
intimately in her ear.  Do you think she would catch that
little act of silent seduction?  Hell no, Miss Oblivious is
lost in her own mind right now. Damn that sneaky little shit!
 I glare back as he half smiles back at me and walks out of
the room.

*****

I’m sitting outside
Sadey’s room, it’s already 8 p.m.  She’s sleeping and Ace has
already come back and gone again, she insisted he leave citing he
looked exhausted and promised him she would let him visit tomorrow,
and stay all day if he wanted. Her blood pressure isn’t stable
enough to let her go tonight so she’s staying here again tonight to
give the doctors a chance to stabilize it.

The walls in her room were
starting to close in on me.  The beeping of her monitors
resembled the moments of my life slipping away.  I’m
overwhelmed.  I can’t remember a time recently that I’ve had a
moment of absolute peace that I didn’t feel like I was getting
pulled or pushed into something.  I want to get lost in a
moment again, to just not feel so scared and alone.  The dread
that I really am alone has been eating at me for weeks, if I’m
honest with myself it isn’t alone I’m afraid to be as much as I am
afraid to be without Shame.  God I miss him so much.
 Everything is just falling down around me and I can’t stop
it.  My mom, the news of Greyson in that article, now Sadey
here and with a pregnancy, of all diagnosis.  I haven’t even
thought to celebrate the fact I’m going to be an Aunt.
 

Finally I give in, I let
the tears fall without wiping them away.  I’m hoping that if I
let it all go out here in the hall that I won’t slip in front of
Sadey.  She needs me right now to see her through this. It
strikes me as odd that she thinks she would lose Hem, over a baby.
 I’ve not even questioned how this happened.  Sadly
though, knowing my brother and his limit of patience, I’m sure
protection never ever entered his sex greed mind.  She had
never even had sex before. In the past it is apparent that he was
thinking of protecting himself from disease but what about
pregnancy? Dammit Hem do you ever think before you act?  Too
late now.

I gather myself quickly, I
only had intended to allow myself 15 minutes to get it together. I
laugh silently to myself and thank the heavens I’m not that ugly of
a crier as Sadey.  My fluids don’t just come rushing out like
hers do.  Standing now I make my way towards Sadey’s room but
I’m stopped in motion and my heart skips a beat.

Shame stands there,
leaning against the door jamb.  He has his hands in pockets
and his head tilted to the side in thought as he had watched me.
 I know he has to have been standing there for some time
because I can see his face reflects sadness for me.
 

“
Hi.” I say it like I’m
broken.  

We haven’t seen each other
since Saturday and have only spoken to him briefly through text and
then a quick call. I don’t think he was ready to see me like this,
I was stronger on the phone. I was thankful to him even.

He looks me up and down
slowly, knowing I’m waiting for a response from him.  I’ve
missed him so much that my instinct is in control and I start to
walk towards him and at the same time once I reach him I move my
arms in front of me in an upward motion warning him that I’m about
to grab him around the neck.  He finally moves and he’s
standing up straight now while taking his hands from his pockets as
he waits for me to get closer so he can embrace me.

Once I’m there in his
arms, I feel secure again.  I’m surrounded in our cocoon once
more and it is incredible.  Nothing matters right now, nothing
can hurt me not even him.  Even with all things going on
around me, knowing that is enough.  

“
Take me home Shame,
please.  Help me forget for just a little while.  Even if
it means nothing to you.  I just need to get lost and not
think about all this crumbling around me. I miss you, God I miss
you so much. Please help me forget.” I can hear the pleading in my
voice and he says nothing in answer to my plea.

He hasn’t said a single
word to me since he saw me sitting on that chair outside her room.
 He puts his hand on my arms, since they are still around his
neck he moves them down and away from him.  He looks in my
eyes and nods as he walks back into Sadey’s room, leaving me cold
in the hallway.  I can hear him talking to Hem quietly, not
above a whisper, Sadey must still be asleep.  When he comes
back out, he grabs my hand and pulls me behind him leading me
outside and directly to his bike.

We are on our way back to
my house now.  All the way there I keep my arms securely
wrapped around his body, not for safety but for comfort.
 Every time we stop for traffic he takes one of his hands and
rests it against mine, reassuring me that I’m going to be okay.
 He still has not uttered a word to me so other than his looks
of pity and concern I don’t know what he’s thinking.  I can
imagine he’s probably still hurt because I left him the way I did
the night at the club but if he is, he’s not taking anything out on
me.

Once home I open the door
and see the furniture moved around. I had forgotten the medics had
helped move it so they could get Sadey out of there quickly. I sigh
remembered how scared I had been.  Shame comes up from behind
me and pulls me to him as he always does, his back to my front and
his arms secure at my waist with this face in my neck.  It
feels familiar, exactly what I’ve been longing for.