Holding On (29 page)

I rub my hand over hers
hoping she continues. Looking at her, I can tell she needs to get
this out.  “When I was 14 my mom had brought home a man while
dad was out of town on contract. He kept looking at me, making me
feel uncomfortable.  I remember going to my room, not telling
him or my mom goodnight.  I was in my bed a while later and I
heard him and my mom fighting.  I didn’t have a clue what
about, I was 14 and had never been around any other man and woman
other than my mom and dad and Gramma and Grandpa.” She pauses in
thought now, looking as though she is composing herself for this
before she says it. Sadey and I change a quick look at each other
over Peyton’s bowed head.

“
He opened my bedroom door
with my mom’s hair in his hands, dragging her to my bed where I was
at.  She was crying so hard and loud that I had to plug my
ears and shut my eyes.  He yelled at me to apologize to him
for being rude.  I couldn’t understand what I had done to make
him so mad at me. When mom tried to explain it to me he put his
foot into her back and she hit the floor, on her knees.  I
told him I was sorry for being rude and I wouldn’t do it again and
asked if he would let my mom go and telling him he was hurting her.
 He told me that wasn’t how I was going to apologize and he
picked my mom up and threw her across the room, she hit the wall
and fell to the ground.”

Shit, I know where this is going. Hem
may have shielded Sade and me but we weren’t ignorant to the
world’s evil.

“
I swear
I thought she was sleeping or dead because she was
just that still
. I wasn’t
sure how long he stood over me, he was just breathing soooo heavy
and I remember his chest moving up and down while he glared at me.
 He began to touch himself. Then he told me to move down to
the edge of the bed towards him so I could say I was sorry and mean
it this time.  I froze in place for a second and apparently I
didn’t move fast enough so he grabbed my ankle and jerked me
towards him, hard.”  She has stopped in mid thought, she looks
unsure she wants to continue.  I make eye contact with Sadey
again, silently asking her to help soothe this.  This is
definitely a Sadey area. Before Sadey can interject though she
continues, agonizingly.

“
After he pulled me to
him, he started to undo his belt then unbutton his suit pants.
 After that he ripped off my underwear and slid his hands up
my gown, holding it up so I was completely exposed to him.” This
time Sadey feels her shaking so she leans over and puts Peyton’s
head on her shoulder in a side hug and kisses her hair.

These two wonderful women just met an
hour ago but they act like long lost sisters.  This is what
Sadey’s love does to people, even strangers.  

“
Honey, if you don’t want
to talk about it we don’t have to, okay?  There is no judgment
from us, ever.”  I say this so only she and Sadey can hear.
 We are in a crowded club, but Sadey and I have Peyton in our
protective bubble, surrounding her in our strength.
 

“
No, I’m
fine, really.  It helps to talk about, I haven’t told very
many people. Anyway, once he had me pinned down by my hands he got
in my face as he
hung
himself
over me.  I started to kick
and scream, and I mean really S-C-R-E-A-M and all of a sudden I
heard his loud growl and hiss of pain.  I felt so small, I
actually thought maybe I had busted his eardrum from my screaming
and that was what he was shouting about.  When he fell to the
floor I saw my mom.  She had literally started to rip his
balls from his body. Her fingernails were so deep you couldn’t even
see the tips of them anymore.  There was blood, a lot of it.
 It was like she woke up and nothing was going to stop her
from protecting me. She’s never looked like that, she looked like
an entirely different person to me. So once the police came and
took him away, reality hit my mom so she called my Gramma right
after and told her what happened.  My Gramma called my dad
while he was on the road.  He was so upset and ashamed about
how my life was turning out that when he got home he asked his mom
and dad to take me until he and my mom could work things out.
 One year after another passed and they just never bothered to
come back for me.”

She looks directly at me
almost looking remorseful.

“
Mace, I’m sorry I lied to
you when we met.  I was ashamed and terrified you wouldn’t
want to be friends with me if you knew where and what I came from.
I really liked you from the moment you walked into the library and
didn’t want to jeopardize having even a chance at a new older, more
mature friend. You just seemed so together and wise beyond your age
and when you talked about Shame, you were just so confident.” I nod
at her in understanding but after hearing all that she endured due
to her neglectful parents I don’t really even know what to
say.

“
You are a very special
girl, you know that?  Not many woman can survive such a scary
situation, move away from the only life they have ever known and
still come out as beautiful, sweet, and caring as you are.  It
is an honor to meet you, Peyton. To call you my friend is just that
much more of a gift.”  Well dammit Sade, I’m going to cry.
 

“
Thank you for coming out
with me.  I don’t have friends, I really don’t.  I just
would rather not get close to anyone, they find this out and then
they don’t want to be friends with the broken girl.  No one
has ever asked why I was single and then told me I was cute, smart,
funny as hell and fearless.  So when you said that, I thought
you should know why I don’t believe you.”  She puts her head
down as if she’s self-conscious.

“
Oh no honey, eyes up.
 We don’t look down at ourselves, okay?”  I’m probably
being a little sterner than I need to be with her current state of
mind, but this is a lesson she’s going to get from me right now.
 “You’re worth it.  Remember that.  You do not
settle in life for friends, jobs, and especially a man.  You
are worth it.”  She smiles at me slightly and I’m seeing the
Peyton I know again.  I sigh in relief.  

Sadey stands now, “Is this
a club to dance in or are we here for reading books? Cause right
now, you people are boring the fuck outta me, I want to dance!”
 Peyton catches my eye and we start laughing,
wildly.

“
Shots first, then dance.
 I need some shots!  You go get them Sadey, order three
shots of tequila for me and then whatever you girls are having!”
 Hell, I’m even in rare form tonight. It has been long time
since I cut loose and tonight I feel like doing just
that!

“
You go girl!  Let’s
get the party started!” Peyton smiles wide now, back in the moment
with us where she should be.

Two hours later, as
promised by Peyton the crowd starts rolling in and we are well on
our way to forgetting everything that may have been weighing
heavily on our minds.  

We are sweating, laughing,
and completely wrapped up in girl time.  Peyton is back to the
girl I recognize, her past demons have disappeared from the surface
and maybe just talking about them served as a form of therapy for
her.  

I understand so much
better now on why she is the way she is, choosing to stay single
since she has fear always lurking around and holding her back.
 Now that she is 19 she is choosing to live with her
Grandmother, the one person in her life who has loved her without
conditions. It’s too bad she self-doubts her whole life because of
that one night though, because she’s so much of an untainted person
then she sees herself as. She would make someone a great
girlfriend.  One day when she is ready, she will. I have to
admit now too, she will fit right in at the Peril Club though.
Seems all of us are damaged in one way or another and we use this
to build strength with each other, not deter us from our happily
ever after.  

Sadey is acting even more
free spirited than usual.  She’s already slurped her weight in
alcohol, rarely does she cut loose like this and once she wakes
tomorrow she will remember why she doesn’t do this habitually.
 It’s fun to watch her though.  She attracts attention
without even realizing it.  She has danced with a few of the
guys here, Peyton has been familiar with each and has given her
blessings on each.  Sadey belongs to Hem though, so to her
these dances are meaningless and just a way to pass time until Hem
gets home tonight.

I haven’t even checked my
phone to see if Shame has texted me again after my gross misuse of
texting.  Thinking about this again, it probably wasn’t as
funny as I had originally thought.  I didn’t honestly mean to
send it, and his reply exposed how hurt he had been with it.
 His ego had really taken a thrashing and he doesn’t even
realize yet that it was a mistake on my part, he still believes I’m
off sluttin’ it up which he knows is so not like me.  So
looking back I’m starting to feel truly bad about the mistake,
whether it was an honest mistake or not.  He has been riding
all day and he didn’t need the angry distraction.
 Shit.

Quickly thinking, I run back to the
table and scramble through our stuff and start a quick text to
him.

*ME: Okay, truce. That text I sent
wasn’t what you thought. I wouldn’t do that. Hope you get this
message and you are okay. Talk to you tomorrow? M.

Just as I am about to turn
off and head back to the dance floor, a beautiful cowboy comes
stalking towards me.  When I say stalking, I mean more like
coming at me looking hungry. He doesn’t look familiar and he is
definitely not even my type.  I’ve never dated a cowboy.
 I’ve only really have ever been with Grey, and he was a
stuffed shirt as Shame refers to him and then of course my brief
fling with Shame, but even still I had loved him all my life.
 So this cowboy sounds like my next mistake!  

With liquid courage
filling my pores I’m staring at him as he comes to me and at same
time I’m sizing him up.  He’s tall, dark, with dark dark brown
eyes, almost black.  His cowboy hat, buckle and boots are all
making it hard for me to look away.  He even has on one of
those shirts with the little metal click buttons and its dark red
just adding to his mysterious look.  Gees, it can’t have been
that long since a man has really touched me, but my piercing down
there really can’t tell time now can it?

“
Hi there.”  Oh and
he has a vibrating deep voice, add two more hot points please.
 This guy was sitting at a Mace 9 of ten on the scale but he
just went up surpassing the perfect 10!

“
Care to dance with me?”
 He asks in front of my friends who are gaping at me in
disbelief. I look to Sadey who is giving me a hard line face now.
 She’s not approving, but Peyton however is nodding her head
up and down and if she’s not careful her chin is going to bump the
floor.  This gorgeous giant wants to dance, with
me.

“
Sure, I was about to get
a drink first.  Want to join me at the bar?”  I really
need some water to help quench this sudden western thirst.
 Damn.

He just nods and follows
me to the bar, buys me a drink, then follows me back to the table.
 We sit alone and so far the conversation is limited, boring
and awkward.  We have nothing really to talk about other than
the dance club and this the first time here for both of us so
conversation isn’t exactly coming easy at this point.  I’m now
wondering where my dance is. He doesn’t have to do anything but
touch me for my alcohol soaked self to be pleased
tonight.

Thankfully in the nick of
time another couple type slow song comes on, he stands up and grabs
my hand and I follow him to the floor.  Sadey is still giving
me that disapproving look even while she’s dancing with an elderly
gentlemen and he is enjoying dancing with her like he probably did
in the 50’s with another hot young dish.  If I weren’t
consumed inside the arms of this cowboy I would probably offer to
take her partner, he looks adorable swaying in this club.  I
would have to guess that he’s a regular because all the kids here
treat him like a grandfather or great uncle.

Peyton is just standing
near the wall, she looks a little lost but when I catch her eye she
gives me her two thumbs up for my cowboy!  I want her to stop
hiding and find someone to dance with, maybe Sadey’s grandpa has
another geriatric friend for her to keep company.

The cowboy and I remain
quiet as the song ends and thankfully after a while the music picks
up, meaning that they have now started playing music from this
decade so Journey, Foreigner, and Boston have been laid to rest for
the time being. Pink screams into the speakers about her Funhouse
while the live band takes a break and we are all now dancing in a
circle in the middle of the dance floor.  

Sadey has dropped her
scowl now that the cowboy has taken his hands off me. Peyton is
rocking her head around in circles as if this was heavy metal
concert and her blond hair is flying everywhere, just like the
perfect groupie.  Derek, the cowboy and I are just spinning
around and showing off our lack of dance skills.  Every now
and then he touches my back in a subtle way but now it is starting
to feel as though I’m dancing with a cousin or little brother.
 I hate when a hot man doesn’t do anything for me.
 

Miserably, I know why that
is in this case.  I’m standing in a crowded room with good
friends, hot men and I should be dancing and laughing but my mind
is on Shame.  The hurt is back and settling in my chest. That
text I sent him, just that small form of quiet contact has left me
feeling desolate again. I know it can’t be possible but I almost
feel him here.