Holding On (26 page)

I’m screaming now, but I’m not
finished. “So, if what is so Goddamn important that you know you
are going to inflict more pain and agony on me, please I’m asking,
no I’m going to beg here for you to just spare me.  Save it
for when you get back, or save it for a rainy day. I don’t fucking
care but just don’t say anything that I will sit in my dark room
later and mourn about, okay?”

Wow, I had just mean to
say ‘what’ in response to him. Not all of that.  I heard a few
sighs and gasps within the audience around us. He didn’t say
anything for a few beats, I know this because my heart was beating
against my chest and I was counting its rhythm so I had something
else to focus on other than his almost thoughtful look.

“
You done?  Done with
your little tirade?  Any other day I would be glad to lock
your tantrum down my own way and it sure as hell would something
you would remember and deserve darlin’, but we are leaving here
soon.  Damn Mace.  Fuck if you don’t just make this shit
that much harder.  I love your face, do you understand that?
 No matter what, Mace.  I. Love. Your. Face.”

I just stared at him, not
moving or even blinking, so afraid he would take those words back,
as if it were some sick joke so I could hurt more. There I was
though, that girl I said I wasn’t and wouldn’t be, the girl who
deliberates her own faults waiting for her man to come back to her
after
he’s
treated
he
r
so poorly.  Fuck that. He maintains that hard look, “Say
something if you get me, Sweetheart.”

I had gathered myself and
quickly slipped on my own skilled mask of indifference. “Yeah,
sure, okay Shame.  I get it.  Be safe, please watch out
for Honor and Hem for me.”  

This is the most we had
said to each other since I watched him at the Club party walking
away with Winnie and Bloom.  He just nodded, started the bike,
and put his helmet on.  That was it.

I had walked to Sadey and
pulled her away from Hem.  She started sobbing.  Shame
pulled out first, leading the group.  Then Hem had nodded to
Honor to follow behind Shame, and then he paused at Sadey and I,
gave us a quick nod then pulled in behind to take the back.
 My boys, I thought as looked forward at Hem and Shame, they
were protecting my newest little middle duck.

*****

So now I’m home getting
ready for the day and first thing on my agenda is that I’m going to
go see mom.  I’ve called into work for the morning because I
want to see her while dad is preoccupied.  The last three
visits I have had with mom, dad has always been there while I
talked to her.  She sleeps a lot and she is being kept
medicated due to the pain, but dad is so overprotective of her and
he tells me he is afraid that someone will upset her and make
matters worse so he now sits with me during my visits. He also
claims it is so if she needs anything or gets upset he can be there
to calm her.  I can’t talk about Hem in front of him so she
doesn’t even know that he’s gone, not that she would really
remember.  She is quite out of it.  Today though, he’s
not there.  He left town with Greyson yesterday and isn’t due
back until this evening.  This gives me a chance to see my mom
with only the nursing staff present.

“
Mama, Hi there.”  I
bend over to kiss her cheek. The bed is large, and it takes my
whole body to get close enough to her.  She looks like she’s
on an island there, alone.  I have brought her some flowers.
Flowers make the room look less dismal, right?  

I quickly rearrange some
things on her dresser so I can place the flowers. I look back at
her through the mirror at her sleeping. She looks so frail and
even in sleep, she looks worried.  Her eyes are closed, I
don’t really want to wake her but I want her to know I’m here and I
need to tell her about Hem.

I step closer to her and
put my hand gently against her cheek.  She’s warm, that feels
like a twisted relief but it is my reality of her now.

“
Mama, can you wake up for
me?  It’s Mace, I came to visit you today you know, for
our girl time.” 

She feels so warm to the
touch that I move the blanket back away from her neck. When I do
I’m shaken, I see bruising on her neck near the collarbone.
 These bruises aren’t just ordinary bruises either.  Some
look new, some old.  The colors are a varied array of painful
areas in no particular pattern.  Oh Mama.

The nurse comes in as she’s pushing a
cart with all mom’s morning medications dosed out in individual
cups.  She sighs wearily at me.  I don’t recognize her,
but she looks at me with concern laced in her thought.
 

“
Good morning, Ma’am.
 I’m about to give her some meds. She’s been sleeping most of
the morning so she may be about ready to wake up for a little bit
before breakfast, you want to help me get these in her?”  She
points to the small cart where four small white cups are filled
with medicine.

She looks at mom and she
sees now that I’ve see the bruising.  She looks at me and
tries to explain. “This is normal honey, her blood is breaking down
and causing the discoloration.  She’s alright.”
 

I don’t believe her, not
because it doesn’t sound plausible but because she’s looking at me
with regret.  I don’t answer her explanation, I just stare
down to mom who is starting to struggle her way out of
sleep.

She blinks quickly, “Mace, is that you
beautiful girl?”  I grab for her hand and she squeezes,
keeping her eyes closed.  

“
Hi Mama, yes it’s me, I’m
here.  I wanted to stop by before work and see if you needed
anything.  Hem is out of town but he will be back soon to see
you.  You feeling alright, I mean are you
comfortable?”

“
I’m fine honey.
 Let’s talk.  I’ve got much to say before my energy fails
me.”  I was right when I noticed her worried sleep, she’s
upset about something.

“
I need
to administer these then I will leave you two
alone
.”  The nurse
says ‘alone’ in a cryptic tone as if I’m supposed to catch some
hidden meaning.  What the heck?  

She continues to sit mom
up just long enough to give her the meds then lays her back down
and adjusts her pillows behind her, making sure she’s comfortable.
 Then she grabs the cart and tells mom she will be back in
about 10 minutes with breakfast.  Mom has yet to let go of my
hand.

“
Mace, I need to talk to
you… I’m so tired honey... so tired.   I don’t have long
for girl time today.”  She closes her eyes tightly then
relaxes them and now I think she’s sleeping again but she
continues.  “Evil... man can be... I hurt... I loved him Mace,
your... father.  I loved him.  He loved me too.
 There is so much evil... coming.”

What is she talking about?
 I am so confused as well as startled.  Hem isn’t here
and right now, I need him so much. He would know how to help her.
 

“
Mom please, wake up.
 Tell me what’s evil Mama?  Are you scared about going,
dying I mean?  Leaving us?  We’re going to be okay, I
promise.”  I’m crying on her hand as she lays next to me,
unmoving.  No doubt that I have very little time left with
her.  

She moves again just
slightly.  Her eyes stay closed but she starts talking again
and with more emotion and strength, then quickly it dissipates
again. “He promised me the world.  He did love Hem, Mace.
 He promised to protect...always love... then all the evil
came years... later.  He found out, baby.”

Her eyes have yet to open but she
holds my hand with all her strength.  “Be careful with...
instinct, Mace... evil is there.”  

Then her eyes open very
wide, as though she just remembered something dark and it is
scaring her.  I lean in closer, she’s about to say something
but stops.  She lays her head down in comfort then she’s gone
back to sleep, instantly.  

“
Oh Mom, I’m so sorry.
 I love you so much.”

Silent tears are slipping
from my eyes down my nose as I lean into her hand on the bed,
gripping it for comfort.  “I was a spoiled rotten brat to you
for so long.  Thank you for loving me, Mom.  Thank you
for loving Hem and I both.”  

I drop her hand, reach for the covers
to cover her back up, bend down to kiss her cheek, and turn to walk
away.  Pausing though, I look back at her.  This may be
the last time I see her alive, I can’t dwell for long because I
need to get hold of Hem and have him get back here to say goodbye
to her before it’s too late.  

I wish I knew what she was
talking about that was so evil.  Wondering if maybe she was
just dreaming? I know the stories of her and dad, how they met and
how he initially loved Hem.  The way she is talking though, he
always loved Hem.  God, maybe things would have been so much
different if Hem’s dad wasn’t part of a Club.  Dad always
hated that, made him sick that Hem came from that then walked into
it again just as soon as Doc agreed to let him in.  If Hem’s
dad wasn’t in a Club though, then Hem wouldn’t be the person he is
today.  Protective, loving, and even a closet romantic.
 I wouldn’t change anything about him, not one damn
thing.

Making my way into the
daylight outside, the sun is bright and my eyes are trying to
adjust.  I am looking down fumbling with my phone in haste
because even though I know I am to never contact Hem personally
while he’s on a ride I’m about to break that promise.  He
needs to be here to see Mom because her time is up.  Being
selfish I can admit that I need him here with me right now to help
me through this.

*ME:  Hem, you need
to come back.  No danger, but I just left Mom and she’s not
good.  Come back as soon as you can please. xxoo.
M.

I don’t wait for a reply
because most likely I won’t get one from him, if I do get any
response it will come from Honor so that Hem isn’t distracted
during business.  

So lost in my own thought
that I am completely taken off guard with what is coming for me.
 Putting my phone away in my bag I miss the hand that comes to
grasp my lower arm and holds me tight.  I’m frightened until I
look up into the eyes of hate, then I’m terrified.

“
Well,
lookie here at you.  
My
Mace.”  Greyson, fuck.

His tone is laced with
anger. He and dad must be back early.  He isn’t dressed in his
suit today and he looks terrible and more so, he looks threatening.
His jaw is working hard, ticking in anger directed for me. I
haven’t seen him since the day at the coffee shop when he hissed at
me as I broke things off.

“
Are you
here to see your mother, Mace?   How is she doing?”
 He gives me a sly wicked smile that makes my skin crawl.
 
Evil.
 
Is this what mom was warning me
about?  I need to get out of here.  

“
Let me go Greyson, you’re
hurting me.”

I try to struggle against
his hold but this only tightens his grip on me.  He starts to
pull me closer and grabs my chin, trying to avoid eye contact I
look down to avoid his predatory glare.  That’s when I see his
jeans, he’s fucking turned on right now.  Quickly I go from
being scared to fucking frantic.  “GREYSON, STOP!”  I
scream as loud as my broken voice can so that I draw attention in
the drive.

“
Leave her alone, Greyson.
 What the fuck do you think you are doing?”  Dad.
 Oh God dad, thank you.  Dad comes walking towards us in
quick motion.

“
Mace, what are you doing
here?  You know I don’t want you upsetting your mother.
 She needs her rest.”  He looks glacial but maybe he’s
concerned I’ve left her in a bad state or he saw what Greyson was
doing to me before he cut in.

“
Dad, she’s fine.  I
just stopped in real quick to drop off some flowers before the
weekend.  She never woke up, so I just arranged them in her
room and left because I need to get to work, I’m late.”
 

He actually looks relieved
to the fact he believes I didn’t talk to mom.  Honestly I
don’t know why I lied.  Between mom’s outlandish warning and
the nurse’s very odd behavior I’m not sure if I should really talk
about any of this to anyone but Hem, so I’m playing it off and
working to get out of here without further incident.

“
Okay well, you need to
get going then.”  He says sternly.

“
Okay dad.  If
anything changes with her, you will call me?”  

“
Yes, now you need to get
to work dammit so head on out of here, Mace.”  He leans in and
gives me a hard peck on the top of my head. Why is he trying so
hard to get me to leave?  

I start moving past him,
dad makes no move for any more physical contact. I hesitantly wait
for anything, a pat on the shoulder or a hug, but I get no
reaction.  I pass him and then he turns to watch me leave,
almost ensuring that Greyson remains quiet and in place.  That
has to be what this is all about, he must have seen Greyson’s rough
hands on me.

Greyson still looks at me with that
evil stare.  I get to my car and quickly get in and while
buckling up I hear Greyson let out a roar while he’s standing in
front of dad, looking at me.

“
You’re
a fucking whore, Mace.  You deserve whatever you get, you know
that?  You are a fucking
whore
!”  God, he is screaming so
loud, then abruptly his screaming stops.