Holding On (43 page)

Shame and I are perfect, we are
content and happy. Although we have not steered clear of heartbreak
entirely, we are holding our own now. I don’t know if I will still
ever be enough and only time can tell me this. I’m willing to try
though, for him. Just to have him in my life I would risk the
heartache.

Nothing has come up from the Hood news
or Cherry’s unfortunate circumstance. Hem finally released us all
from the Club as long as the women of the group check in constantly
and also agreed to have strict access on where they would roam. He
encouraged even the Club girls, to include my friend Bloom, to hang
around the Club as much as they want. The four of us have been
staying at Sadey and I’s place. It gives us a getaway from the
bullshit reminders of our situation, kind of.

My mom’s health is failing quickly
now. I do visit her, of course dad is there as always. He’s so
protective of her, I’m starting to be more concerned with him now
though because once she’s gone, really gone and not just bed
ridden, what is going to fill his time? He’s mentioned a few times
that he wants to travel after she leaves us. He told me that after
the day with Greyson in the driveway that he cut ties with him
completely. He sounded disgusted at both Greyson and me and blames
us both for that day and the behaviors that we allowed. Unsure how
I’m to blame though, strikes me as odd because Dad never blamed me.
I know he’s probably very upset that Greyson and I didn’t work out
but this wasn’t about him. I can’t say with any certainty that even
if Shame hadn’t come and taken me from Greyson that we would have
ever been married. I don’t know if I would have really been happy
with him so dad’s attempts to guilt me into ever going back never
would have worked. Maybe that’s why he’s so put off and angry with
me. I wouldn’t change my decisions, maybe just have gone about them
differently though.

Standing in the hallway, leaving a
sleeping Shame in his room, I can smell morning coffee from here. I
walk into the kitchen of my home and see the same picture I always
see, almost every morning. Hem has Sadey on his lap holding her
tight. The woman is allowed to put her ass on furniture I’m sure,
just not when he’s around. Cave dweller!

“
Good morning, Sis. Sleep
well?”

“
Yes, I did. I was
beat.”

“
Sadey and I are going to
go see mom this morning. I talked to dad’s neighbor Mr. Anders and
he’s been keeping dad busy as much as he can and today he is taking
dad golfing so we are heading over there to see her. Do you wanna
go or are you and sleeping beauty going to just keep going at it
like rabbits? Jesus, I hate that I know how you sound while you’re
ummm... ya know. It really is fuckin’ gross!”

“
Shut the hell up, Hem.
You think it’s better for me to hear you spanking on Sadey’s ass
all hours of the night? Damn, she can’t enjoy that. Hell, my ass
hurts for her! How about you two either get your own place, Shame
and I get our own place, or you two stay at the Club? We all need a
break from each other’s... ummm... noises.”

He puts his tongue in Sadey’s ear as I
stop talking and she squeals with surprise, he didn’t hear a word I
said after ‘shut the hell up’. Never mind!

As I’m starting another pot of coffee
I hear a knock at the door. Instantly, still on alert from whatever
is going on, we all look at each other. Shame is not out here so
I’m unsure if I should answer it. When trouble knocks, it’s always
good to have backup.

Hem lifts Sadey off his lap and puts
her on the chair, telling her sternly not to move. He never has to
tell her anything twice because the woman is putty in his hands, he
knows it. She just looks to me like I’m supposed to know what to
do. Oh the hell if I do.

Hem goes to the door and looks outside
the peephole quickly and gives off a feral growl when he sees who
it is. I don’t get the chance to ask who it is because he opens the
door with his chest out, looking as though he’s challenging the
person out there. “Fucking Warren Cash, what the fuck do we owe
this fucking morning visit from the good father?” Hem stares, not
inviting him in.

I come around Sadey and head to the
front door and apparently I see a hell of a lot more than Hem,
because the man I see in front of me is not in the least bit
challenging or angry or confrontational. Shit, he looks empty.
Right away I know, it is about mom. Before he even says it I do.
“Mom’s gone isn’t she, Daddy?”

He doesn’t say anything. His eyes are
so tired and sad. Anyone could see he’s been crying. Before I can
start to console my dad, Father Marcus bounds up behind him, almost
breathless. He doesn’t say anything because he has to sense by the
look on our faces that the news has already been
spilled.

“
Yes, Patrick and Mace,
your mother is gone. She’s at peace now. The nurses went to give
her meds this morning and her breathing was so shallow that by the
time they woke me to go to her, she was already gone.”

Dad doubles over as Father Marcus puts
his hand on my dad’s back. The man is broken. I am shocked and Hem
is just standing there clenching his jaw. He’s angry. He and Sadey
were on their way to her today and now it’s too late. Not that Hem
hasn’t said goodbye to mom. I mean, every time we have seen her the
last three weeks we were fairly sure it could have been the last
time but now that she’s really gone it just doesn’t seem
real.

“
Dad, do you want to come
in? I can make you some tea?”

“
No, I’m not coming in
there with him.” He looks to Hem in utter distaste. Shit, mom’s
been gone all of two minutes from Hem and I and he and dad are
ready to duke it out.

“
We need to go, make
arrangements and such. Mace, Hem, if there is anything you need in
way of guidance or prayer I trust you will seek me out.” I nod and
Hem finally tears his eyes from my dad and nods to Father Marcus as
he turns my dad away while consoling him.

I shut the door and turn back to a
crying Sadey. She never once moved from where she was left upon
Hems instruction, but once the door clicked shut and she knew my
father was gone, the woman was on her feet flying to Hem and I. We
hold her in a comforting hug as Hem tries to hold back his tears.
I’m certain he will let them fall eventually, maybe in the company
of only himself but he will have to grieve.

Damn it Sadey, will there ever be a
good time to drop it to him that he’s going to be a dad?

*****

The funeral is as tasteful as a
funeral can be. Dad spared no expense for Mom. Mirroring her life,
it was all it could have been. She’s being buried in the town’s
cemetery, under a tall oak tree. Believe it or not, Hem has the
open burial spot to her right and dad on her left once they pass.
Ironic really, she was so torn between them for so many years that
finally in death they will stay beside her, together.

Dad gave a eulogy and at that point I
couldn’t contain my grief. He spoke of how much he loved a
beautiful woman and felt she needed him her whole life, until she
neared death and that’s when he realized it was he that needed her.
By then he said, it was too late to extract comfort from her, she
was too weak and frail. Her suffering was senseless and that it
will plague him forever. He also said there was no other woman in
the world for him, just Mom.

Hem too, got up and said a few words
as well. He told everyone how blessed he was to have learned from
her about love and even though she was a person that never loved
out loud, he never doubted how much she cared for us. Once everyone
thought he was finished as he started to step away and Father
Marcus stood from his chair to take back the service, Hem turned to
me with a look of renewed determination.

He had asked me the day she died what
I thought about him reciting the poem he had given Mom on Mother’s
Day when he was 13, he was so young and his words so simple then. I
told him if he felt this would help his grief then certainly and it
may even help others heal. I didn’t think he heard me, he was just
so unsure. He turned back to the podium. He knew the poem by heart,
ever the poet that he really is. I’ve read this poem so many times
at Moms, she had laminated it and put it on the fridge. She had
never moved it, all these years. I imagine I could almost read it
from memory now too. He is about to recite it for everyone here,
with his head held down as if it is a prayer.

Mother you are
mine.

Hand in hand and heart in
heart.

Never a time am I alone,
as long as you are here.

You’ve been a part of me
from the start.

Your arms are holding when
comfort escapes me.

You love surrounds me when
I feel most alone.

Your hands are healing
when I lay sick.

You’ve promised me that
you will always love me, even once I’ve grown.

He takes a pause. I look up and see he
is trying to get a hold of himself as all our family and friends
look at him with deep sadness. I glace at my Dad, who holds his
head low in grief. Maybe Dad is starting to realize the war between
he and Hem should have been ended years ago, for Mom’s
sake.

Then I hear Hem, he starts to continue
but the poem has changed. It’s not what it used to be, he’s changed
the words and I’m not familiar with it anymore. I lift my head and
as I look at him I see my big, strong, tough, fearless brother
shake. His hands, legs, and voice are trembling but he
continues.

I never told you enough
Mama,

At least never that you
could hear.

Although we are of blood,
I’m no reflection of you.

You were everything so
good, true, and dear.

I’m going to miss you
Mama.

I’m so sorry I didn’t say
‘Goodbye’.

God knows I tried to save
you Mama,

Never believed it was your
time to….

Hem stops, he lifts his head and his
eyes meet mine. He can’t keep going. He’s asking me without words
to help him. I get up, handing Shame my bible and giving Sadey’s
thigh a squeeze in comfort and then I run to him. He envelopes me
in a hug so tight and he lets it go, he lets it all out. In front
of God, the Parrish, and our family and friends he says his goodbye
to his Mama, his way.

“
She’s gone now. I miss
her already, Sis. I should have been a better son and its gutting
me. She never deserved me and all the trouble that came to her just
for loving me.” He is sobbing into my shoulder as we stand at the
back of the church waiting for the service to end.

“
No, you don’t understand.
Mom loved you Hem. She was always so proud and protective of you. I
remember when Doc would come over years and years ago for a visit,
she would all but threaten the man telling him he had better be
taking care of you. She meant it too. You know Mom, you just do not
cross the angry woman. Doc would fill her in on all your work at
the Club and how you were making it a better place, she would glow.
She was honored to be your mom.” I’m trying to lighten his guilty
load, but a person feels how they feel sometimes.

“
Let’s get out of here
please, I’m fuckin uncomfortable being in this place.”

“
A church Hem? Really?” I
roll my eyes but take his arm in mine and walk back to the front
just as Father Marcus is finishing the service.

It’s taking us awhile to get through
the condolences offered by everyone. We are exhausted and Shame and
Sadey have left us to get things ready at the Club. Anytime anyone
passed away it has always been tradition, from forever ago, that we
celebrate their life. This was going to be tough because it was our
mother. We realize she is in a better place but still the pain was
new and open. When mom told us she was sick she had pleaded with us
to help her die, I told Hem this is part of that. We are going to
remember her tonight and celebrate.

I talked to Sadey about
the baby this morning. I’ve asked her, actually Ace and I
both
pleaded
with
her that if the timing seemed right it would be a good time to tell
Hem about it. She didn’t agree but said she would think about it.
I’m starting to believe that the only way Hem will find out about
this baby is if he ever notices she’s eating like a mother lion and
she’s gaining weight. Morning sickness hasn’t steered her away from
chocolate, chips, or gummy bears.

We are saying goodbye now to the
Parrish and thanking them. Dad disappeared a while ago and Father
Marcus told us he has a long way to go to recover and asks that Hem
and I check up on him. Of course I will, not Hem.

“
I’m ready anytime, let me
freshen up before going outside though. I will be right
back.”

“
Hurry the fuck up, I need
out of this Goddamn monkey suit.” Rolling my eyes because my
brother is in a suit and he’s swearing in a church, I straighten
his tie for him and he pushes my hand away like he’s 10 years old
and he doesn’t want the other kids to see me fussin’ over him. Mom
would laugh at this, she would love it.

“
I’ll be right back, don’t
be difficult. We will have you back in your ‘scary wear’ soon and
you can have a few drinks.”

He snorts at me as I walk away. Such a
baby!