Holding On (40 page)

Fearing she is saying
goodbye to me right here, I pull back to look at her.  She
won’t let go of me and she is holding tight. I grab both of her
arms and pull them off my neck so I can move back enough to see her
face. If this is her goodbye I need to let her have it. If
something really does happen to me, I can’t allow having her live
with any regrets. I will attempt to make her feel better, safer
even but I need to let her have her say. My caveman instincts need
to back the fuck off momentarily and not interrupt her
again.

“
Is this your way of
telling me that Ace told you about tonight?” She looks at me in
defeat and nods. “I don’t know what you have heard, but I’m taking
a fucking army with me tonight, baby.  If I’m willing to leave
that little punk around my woman without me here, doesn’t that tell
you love that I’m coming back in haste? Don’t you see Sadey girl,
this is how sure I am that I’m coming right back home to you.”
Still, no words come out but she nods again in understanding. “Yes
baby, I get what you’re saying about just ‘getting’ me but come on,
you’ve always had me haven’t you? You twisted your finger all your
life, who came running? Hell, you had both Shame and I. I’m just
the lucky that I was the dumbass you chose, Mace and I would have a
life full of lonely without you and brother knucklehead.” She half
smiles, thank fuck. I grab her chin and lift it close to me so she
hears what I’m saying.

“
So don’t you sit in
worry. I’m coming back, tonight.”

I want her to talk to me now though.
She’s thinking, I see it in her eyes as they search every single
inch of my face, neck, and chest. Even as kid she was always
capturing moments, most times though it was in humor and she would
make us relive them later, even before it was funny again to the
rest of us. She would always remember something stupid one of us
had done and she would live on it for a fuckin’ week.

“
I love
you, Hem.  God, when I heard the shots I thought that was it.
Everything around me got dark, I couldn’t see. That awareness I may
never see you again hit my chest.  I was so scared. All I
thought was that we haven't had enough time yet.  There’s so
much to tell you, so much to live with you. I thought how I don’t
cook for you enough, I haven’t made you laugh enough, and I haven’t
loved you enough. Hem, I
want
enough
! Do you understand me? I
need enough
! I don’t ever
want to run out of
enough
. When I thought it was over,
that you and I weren’t going to be together again I swore to myself
that if everything turned out okay that you and I would
make us have enough
.”

She has more to say, she’s
had all these emotions pent up even before the shoot. All of this
wasn’t about just what happened, this has been weighing on her for
a while. She’s trying to tell me what’s in her heart now, behind
the cover-up of the attack.

Damn, where the fuck have I
been? Jesus, I was so busy making up for lost time inside the
woman’s body lost in lust for her, I never stopped to check on my
strong girl to make sure she was okay inside her
heart
. I’m a jackass, a
cave dwelling undeserving fucking jackass.

“
Then when Raider came
back to get us after, and I heard your voice when you came back I
was almost sick again, Hem.  The thought of not seeing you
ever again it’s too heavy on me. When I think about it I feel
like I can’t breathe and dark comes again.  Promise me, you
have to promise me, that you will come back.  PROMISE!”
  She is getting hysterical again.  My sweet girl is
at a loss and doesn’t know what to do.

“
Look at me.  Right
now.  Do you see me?  I’m here and I’m fine.  I will
come back just the way I leave you.  I promise you, Sadey.
  You have to do something for me as well. I can’t be out
somewhere while worrying about you. You’re a trying woman, you make
people crazy. So you listen good right now. You damn well do as
you're told while I’m gone and don’t give Ace shit, well not too
much anyway you can still need to keep the fucker on his toes. I
need you to be safe, need to know you are here and safe.”  I
smirk at her, she knows I still want to kill the loyal son of a
bitch.  He loves my girl, I shouldn’t fault him for that but
that don’t mean I still don’t wanna to beat his ass
again.

“
Okay.” Her voice
cracks.

I need to settle this with
her, need to be sure she’s good before I leave. “You are enough
Sadey. Every day I am pissed at myself for waiting all this time,
letting it go by as if I had an endless stock of days left in my
life. I’m a self-centered prick, you know this. A shit like me
doesn’t deserve you. I won’t let you go though, even if I know it’s
wrong. I will love you enough to make up for it. I will give you
enough to make you never regret it. I will share all of my life
with you so don’t you ever think I’m not coming back to you. It’s
too good not to come back for, baby.”

I’m not leaving without giving her
something to think about while I’m gone, something I can think
about on my way back home to her. Lifting her in my arms, her legs
around my waist I carry her and put her down on top of the washer.
Not much time left before we go, this has to count.

“
I love you, my Sadey
girl.” She smiles into my lips and pulls me closer.

*****

Mace is livid at me.  I can’t
think of a time in our lives that I’ve seen her this angry with me.
She’s so pissed she even refused to see me before we left, which
increases my resolve to get back safely.  That mouthy foul
tempered smartass little sister of mine couldn’t live with herself
if I didn’t come back as the Hem she loves. I could go without the
added pressure of that, but this will serve as
motivation.

Sadey was alright when I
left. After giving Ace just one warning punch to the gut I left him
with my girls.  I know he will die before any harm comes to
them, that’s good because if one fucking hair gets hurt on either
head, he will wish he really was dead. I had to have my say with
Ace. Fucker should have let me tell Sadey about tonight. Everything
was so crazy and emotions were high, he wasn’t thinking about the
outcome.

Shame punches me in the
shoulder hard as we make our way to our bikes. “Fuck man, your
sister is fucking pissed at me.  That woman has a way with
words and if I weren’t so amped up tonight hell I may have even
cried.  Damn!  She wouldn’t even let me touch her before
I left, Hem.  Now I’m all wired up, Jesus she’s a pain in my
ass! DAMMIT.” God, I want to laugh. He is all twisted up over her.
“What the fuck?  Hell, we both heard you and Sadey go at it
downstairs in the fucking laundry room, all I got was glared at for
that too like it was my fucking fault! She was livid and I had to
hear all about it how you didn’t have decency to take Sadey and
make love to her right. She was trying to find shit to bitch at me
about, dammit.” Now that I can believe. I’m holding back my grin
because he is off the charts pissed right now. “She knows we don’t
give a flying fuck about where we have our women, that’s how pissed
she was. She was baiting me! You get laid, I get screeched at. It’s
fucked Hem!”   

“What the fuck you want me
to do for you, Shame? Hold your hand through it? Shame, she’s
yours. You wanted that woman for as long as I can remember, most of
the time I didn’t think about it cause I would have fucking killed
you for your thoughts. You dumbass, it ain’t like you didn’t know
how quick tempered, foul mouthed, and hateful she can get. You just
kept going for that though, didn’t you? Hell, if it helps you get
through it, she’s pissed at me too but I’m blood and I’m not
worried about ever getting laid again. Good luck my brother.”
 I’m laughing but he gets that I mean that.  If something
happens to me, he has to step up and handle all this shit but most
all she is his to take care of.  I trust him, he’s my brother
in every sense of the word.

All the boys are behind me
now, we are lined up and ready to ride.  One of us missing,
recovering from a damn gunshot wound. It’s rough to know we won’t
have Gunner hanging in the back on this ride.  I motion the
boys to head out.  Stack has told us all, including Hood, to
meet out past the old Church right out of town.  It’s in the
middle of nowhere and an ambush is likely so we are geared up and
ready for it.  I’m only taking seven men total, myself
included.  I want all hands back at the Club in case this is a
trap.

Rides always gives me too
much time to think. I think about Sadey and Mace as kids and how
they looked to Shame and I for love, acceptance, and protection.
They had no idea how ugly the world could be, no idea what we were
so adamant about shielding them from. They were consumed with being
girls with Barbie’s, dress up clothes, then as they grew it was all
about boyfriends and college. I’m proud of them both for handling
this as they have. They aren’t kids anymore but I will never let go
of ensuring they are protected. I’m lucky I’m in the position to
have so many others looking after them.

Finally we are close. I slow our
motion and raise my hand overhead letting the boys know we’re about
a mile out now and to be on lookout.  We’ve done this many
times and my only concern is the green prospect skill we have with
us.  I have faith in all the boys though, so let’s go and get
this over with so I can get back to Sadey and confirm to her that I
keep my promises, especially this one.

In the distance there is
just one bike. A single man is leaning on it holding a helmet and I
can barely make out the flare of a cigarette as he sucks in a drag.
 Fuck this does not sit easy.  I stop the boys to tell
them I’m riding up alone.  Of course, brother Shame has to
attempt to challenge me but after a few words he finds his place
again.  He is not the fucking President of this Club, if I’m
risking the lives of these men then I will be the first to the
fight.

Coasting my bike closer I see no
movement behind the bush where the lone bike is parked.
 Still, it’s just the one lone rider.  I continue up the
path to him slowly, not without a quick look back at my boys to
make sure they aren’t being flanked from the back.  Shame
raises his hands at me, giving me the all clear. I cut the engine
and coast towards him, stopping just shy of 100 feet or
so.

“
WELL?  C’MON I DO
NOT HAVE ALL FUCKING NIGHT, HEM!” Oh fuck, that’s actually Hood
himself. Ballsy mother fucker to be standing alone in my view. I
came here to get my gift, here I come you son of a bitch.
Remembering my promise to my girl and the safety of those behind
me, I’m cautious.

“
Think I will stay here,
brother.  Not exactly trusting of you right now, being that
you’ve killed a woman and those pictures I have tells me you have
either killed another or you are about ready to.  So fuck you,
I’m here.  You can come to me now.”

He flicks his smoke to the ground,
watching the lit ashes scatter and then gets on his bike.  His
hands raise in surrender as if to tell me he’s not armed.
 RIGHT!

He slowly comes towards
me, closing the distance then slides his bike next to mine and I
can hear Shame’s pipes ride up from behind me. Hood is staring him
down as he does gets close but he makes no aggressive moves toward
us.  Before I can start to say anything to Shame, Hood begins
talking and hell if I’m not confused now.

“
Listen boys, I don’t have
long.  Switch. Is. Dead.  Again, don’t have long.
 They are probably watching us now.” He looks around slowly,
through the brush that surrounds us and up to the old Church on the
hill. He’s nervous and now this really isn’t sitting easy with me.
He’s acting like he’s a target and is about to be shot, but it
wouldn’t be us doing the shootin’. What the hell is he playin’
at?

Shame has less patience
for this than I do and cuts to the chase, “What the hell are you
talking about you fucking snake?  How is it that dear old
Switch dead but all this shit is still coming down on us?  We
have no enemies and you know it!  What the fuck you gettin’
at, man? Work your point before we lose interest and gut you where
you stand. Will tell ya too fucker, I’m losing consideration
quick.”

“
Shut the fuck up you
gorilla. Jesus Hem, you got yourself a talker there.”  He
shakes his head in exasperation. Hood and Shame won’t ever be
friends, who cares about that right now as long as Shame minds
himself. Oh of course he won’t.

Shames starts to make a
grab for Hood while both men are straddling their rides.  We
are all on our bikes in a triangle formation and my brother is
about to lose his shit and possibly get himself killed.  I
need to stop him from pissing Hood off enough to put him down. He
will be pissed but damn I need a power play here before shit gets
heated and blood is spilled before I can finish with
Hood.

“
Shame, sit your fucking
ass down and stop acting like a damn woman.  We are out here
in the open like a crop of prey for anyone and apparently don’t
have much fucking time so let’s all calm the hell down and get in
and out.”  He looks at me and snorts in anger and spits in
Hood’s direction, nearly missing his feet. Mature brother, you and
my sister are going to wear me down before my own girl has a
chance.

“
Hood, explain cause I’m
losing patience as well now and I’m willing to take anyone down
that I believe is responsible for this shit.”  Hood is
shaking.  Hadn’t noticed that before, probably because I’m
dealing with Shame and his fucking tantrums.  Hood still has
his eyes darting all around us like he’s expecting someone to gun
us down where we sit.