Holding On (25 page)

“
Like
Shame did to you.”  He mumbles as he puts his head down.
 
God Hem, you’re so fucking
smart and I love you for not making me spell this shit
out.

“
Yes, like Shame has done
to me.  Now go, say hello to her Hem and put all those dark
thoughts away for now, okay?  Don’t make your decision today,
after what happened is so close to the surface. Life changes far
too quick so grab onto what is good for us with both hands. Love
you big brother, will see you tomorrow morning for sendoff.”
 With that I grab him and we hug tightly.

“
Are you guys about done?”
Sadey sheepishly tries to interrupt not knowing Hem’s mood.
 “Sorry Mace, but Gunner just talked to Shame and he’s headed
back, as in he’s almost here, so you need to get your stuff so we
can go, like fast.”  Sadey stands now staring at Hem.
 She looks so afraid of the heartbreak she senses coming. I
hope he does the right thing and waits until he comes back, if
anything it would give her the peace she needs while he’s gone.
  

I lean to Hem for one more
reassuring hug before I leave him alone with Sadey. I whisper in
his ear, like I’m trying to talk to his subconscious, “Hem, you’re
my favorite person, please take what I said to heart. Think about
what you are doing before you do it.  You’re such a good soul
with a big ole heart that beats for that girl.  Do all you can
to keep her, fight for her Hem.  She’s here and alive and
fighting for you, so fight back to keep her.  I love your
face, brother.”  With that I wink at him in jest and walk into
the house and run up the stairs to get my things before Shame gets
back and I can no longer function.

After finding his room
unlocked, I gather my things and take one quick look around. Looks
like I have everything I need, other than my heart but I left that
with him like I knew I would when this happened. The inevitable, it
sucks ass even when we knew it was coming.

Kegs and Honor are sitting at a table
when I come back down.  Kegs gives me a sheepish smile.
 “Hey there, Mace.  You alright today?”

“
Yep.” I nod as well say
the word. I do not want to talk about this, not here and definitely
not with witnesses that saw firsthand what Shame was capable of
doing to me. I know it makes him the ass, but I don’t want or need
anyone else’s opinion.

“
I’m sorry what happened
yesterday, I want you to know that.  He does love you though,
he has a fool’s way of showing it but that man is yours.” She holds
her chin up and looks directly at me, wondering how I’m going to
react to her telling me Shame is mine. Were these people even here
last night? They witnessed him putting an end to us and this makes
him back on the market. These women should be jumping for
joy.

“
Thanks but please stop.
 I’m literally walking the haywire of emotion right now and if
that wire breaks and I hit bottom well, I just can’t do it here. I
appreciate your attempted words of comfort though.”

“
I understand, but I am
sorry.  Both Cherry and I both felt bad last night after he
left with them.  Shame has never been exactly nice to the Club
girls, but even for him he was in vicious form last night.”
 She gets up from the table.  “I need to go help Cherry
start some dinner for the boys. Maybe see you next week, Mace?
 If you need anything, even if just an ear from a Club fool
honey, I’m here.”

“
Thanks Kegs, that means
something to me.”

“
April. My name is April,
that’s what my friends call me.  You need to call me April
now, please?”  She smiles and walks away.

I look to Honor who is
rolling a damp napkin against the table, tearing a piece then
rolling it, again and again he does this.  He looks terribly
lost in thought and so alone. I’m sure last night shook him up as
well. He went from putting holes in people for decoration, to
witnessing the aftermath of Ace being torn apart.

“
Hey, you okay Honor?”
 

“
I’m fine I’m kind of
nervous about tomorrow, ya know?  They have asked that I go
with them because I’m good with my gun.  Just because I’m
quick with my gun, doesn’t mean I’m not really nervous. That make
me some sort of feathered covered animal, ya think?”  He stops
rolling the napkin and looks at me.  He’s so young and now
he’s scared. I’m noticing when he is scared and talking so quiet
that his accent deepens, making it even harder to understand
him.

“
Honor, my brother is
actually known for taking care of his prospects, both new and
seasoned.  He can be a bastard that goes without saying.”
 I smile and so does he.  “But he will put your safety
before his own and if you can bet on something during this, bet on
that.”  I slap his shoulder and give it a reassuring squeeze
in comfort for him as I stand up to leave.

“
You're a good boy, ya
know that?  Hang in there and it will be okay. Hem will make
sure of that.  He has protected me all his life, he has that
way about him.”  I start to walk away and hear Honor again so
I turn back.

“
Hey Mace wait, I was
going to ask you and I guess I’m not really sure if you would even
know but ummm do you think Kegs is seeing anyone?”  Oh Jesus,
not this and definitely not now!  

“
Make you a deal. You come
back unharmed and the same person that you are as when you leave
here tomorrow, then you and I will talk about Kegs, okay?”
 Again he smiles at me.  

Whew these young ones are
killing me!  Ace, Peyton, and now Honor.  Shit my baby
ducks are lining up behind me.

“
Get some rest for
tomorrow, it’s a long ride to Texas and the chill won’t go easy on
you. Sadey and I will be by in the morning before you head
out.  See you then, little brother.”  

“
Bye Mace, till tomorrow
then.”  He says with that heavy accent as he smiles.  So
cute!

I turn quickly and then
start cursing under my breath, I pause as soon as I meet those
silver blues, its Shame. How is it that I couldn’t catch just one
break today?

He looks like shit but his
mask is just as indifferent as when he looked at me last night.
 Damn it!  I wanted to get out of here just five minutes
ago to avoid this. Oh but of course not!

Shame walks to me
immediately like he has done so many times. He breaks stride in
front of me and then just searches my body. My face, neck,
shoulders, then back up to my face. He’s done this all of my life,
but it has never been him as the one who hurt me.  I know he’s
waiting for me to say those fucking words to him.  I wait a
few seconds and realize that he’s leaving tomorrow and even though
he has wrecked me, I need to give him as much peace while he’s on
the road as I can.

“
I’m okay Shame.  I’m
fine.”  It goes unsaid between us that this was exactly what
he needed to hear from me.  His face doesn’t change form, just
remains indifferent and looks through me. Then he just steps around
me and walks away, up the stairs probably heading towards his room
to pack or bed yet another whore.

Fuck, this hurts.

Chapter
Twelve
:

“
My hearts broken,' he thought, 'If I feel
this way my heart must be broken.”

--Ernest Hemingway

It’s Friday, the boys have
been gone almost two weeks, as far as I know they are safe. I get
texts from Honor, I know they are directed by Hem.  Hem is in
the zone, he can’t focus on anything else when he’s working so he’s
had Honor keep me posted and so far, they are all okay. I’ve got to
admit that I am thankful that Honor is texting and not one of the
other boys. Aside from the obvious that I’m comfortable with Honor,
like him even, the kid texts using full words and messages and it’s
also handy he’s around because he keeps his phone on him at all
times.

After seeing Hem, Shame,
and my newly adopted little duck Honor pull out for the road that
Sunday without knowing when they are coming back and if they are
coming back safely, I feel like I’ve been walking in a daze.
 I’ve known of past rides and the danger that accompanies
them.  

My heart sinks a bit for
Honor as I sit here remembering that morning because he was so
scared, you could see it in his eyes.  I had walked up to him,
as I watched him fiddle with his bags behind him. I grabbed him in
my hands and whispered close and quiet into his ear, “Remember our
deal, you keep your shit together then when you get back you and I,
we’re going to talk about Kegs with you for a night out, dinner and
a movie.  How’s that?”  His smile broadened against my
cheek and I kept him held to me.  I was glad I could help calm
him, if ever so briefly.  He’s only 20, this is his first ride
and it is a big one.

Then I walked to Hem, he
looked so concerned and unaided.  I hated sending him off like
that when I knew he felt so misplaced.  One slip out there and
it could mean the end of him and his boys.  

As I neared his bike I
grabbed his face before he could object and I looked into those
same eyes that mirrored mine, our mothers, “Hem, I love you.
 I pissed as fuck at you right now, but love trumps being
pissed so consider yourself lucky. No worry though because I will
still be pissed later when you’re back here and I’m going to have
even more pissed all bottled up so you had best be ready for the
Mace wrath!  Ride safe, don’t waste time, you just do what you
gotta do then get your ass back here and work your shit out, all of
it.”  I hugged him so tight and for far too long because I
needed to remember this, just in case.  He didn’t push me away
either, he was logging it into his mental inventory as
well.

“
Got it, Mace.  When
you see mom you need to tell her I will see her as soon as I get
back, she will need to hear this, okay?  Love you, sis.”
 I nodded, knowing he was right.  Mom was always worried
about Hem when he was on a ride, she knew Doc. I was young then,
but I remember Doc coming to the house, even before Hem had
formally met him. He had met my mom in town long ago and they got
along well. So opposite each other in every way but they stayed
friends through the years. My mom was upset that he was coming
around the house though, she told me he saw something in Hem and
wanted to help him. She didn’t want that life for Hem, but knew if
someone would watch over Hem it would be Doc.

I knew Shame was standing behind my
brother, but I couldn’t look back.  No way could I have framed
him in my mind with that same indifferent look on his face that
held for me yesterday.  I needed to remember any good times
that week with him, just to keep it together.

I still love Shame, hell I know I
always will, hurt or heart be damned.  I started to walk back
up to the door and open it, however I was pushed aside as I tried
to walk through because at the same time Sadey had come barreling
out like the damn house was on fire!

“
Hem!  God. Wait,
Hem!  Hold on!”  So much for playin’ it cool, friend. She
swore to me she was going to stay calm.

She was running to him as
if she hadn’t seen in him in years and once she got close enough to
him he had put his hands and arms out in front of him so that she
could run straight into them.  God, to anyone witnessing this
they would have to believe these two had done this every single
day.

“
I love you, Bear.
 See you next week, okay?”  She just said like it was
just an ordinary every day Sunday and he was going to the market to
pick up dinner.

He grabbed her, pulled her up and
rested her on his lap the best he could while he sat on the bike,
such a signature Sadey and Hem snapshot.

“
Sugar, I will see you
next week.  We will talk then, okay?  Now get your ass
off my bike and away from me before I decide to postpone this damn
trip and tie your ass up just for fun.”  He winked as she got
up and just stood by him while he finished with his
pack.

I had to look away.
 They really were perfect together, perfect for each other.
 He loved her so much and seeing them together like that
before he left, it was too much. He was giving her this even if
wasn’t sure what their future together would bring, he was giving
her an unspoken peace and she didn’t even know it.

I was battling my own demons knowing I
was going to be letting Shame go without so much as a word, and I
hurt for that.  My pride was challenging me at that moment and
I told myself wouldn’t fold.  Looking back now, how stupid was
that?

Then I had heard it.
 That familiar growl coming from behind Hem.  I felt like
I could feel him surround me, consume me, and touch me.  When
I turned around to face the growl, Shame was standing by his bike,
he was leaning into it with his helmet under his arm as he stared
directly at me.  

“
C’mere, come over to me.
 This is important, Mace.”  I froze.  “Now, girl.
 Not a fan of askin’ twice.”  To risk or not to risk more
heartache is what I had asked myself as I stood wavering back and
forth with indecision.  Then he raised his eyebrows with
impatience.

Risk.
 I decided as I walked to him; if this were the last time
I saw him than I needed a form of goodbye, something that I could
keep with my own bank of memories good or bad. This thought tugged
at my heart
until I started speaking out
loud
. “What is important, Shame?  What
is so important that you are breaking your skilled mask of
indifference to speak to me? Because I can’t take anymore right
now, not now.  You wanna fuck me up emotionally some more, can
we get a rain check?  I’m all fucking hurt out!  Gave it
all away this weekend when You. Broke. My. Heart!”