Holly's Intuition (15 page)

She’d not even slept, and the two men had only been asleep for an hour or so, a cat nap brought on by exhaustion after a night spent lovemaking and chatting. Soon Stewart would have to be on his way to the gym, and she had mere seconds before the alarm clock went off. She rested one shoulder up against the doorframe and took those precious moments to observe them both.

Stewart was on his back, one arm behind his head. His muscular chest rose and fel as he breathed deep. The quilt covered him from the waist down. In repose, his usual y rugged features seemed almost classical. As she watched, Joshua rol ed over, his arm going around Stewart’s waist. Hol y thought it would wake them both, but it didn’t. Instinctively, Stewart moved his hand and wrapped it around Joshua’s shoulder, holding Joshua against his chest. A moment later they were both dozing heavily again.

Seeing them that way—so familiar, so obviously in love and united as a couple—made Hol y feel isolated again. Nothing had real y changed. She’d made her big confession and they’d had sex again, amazing sex, but they were in love. The knowledge knifed through her, destroying an impossible dream that she hadn’t even been aware of having before that moment.

Her experiences with them had been life-altering, but they were the couple and she was the outsider. They had taken her into their embrace for mutual pleasure. She didn’t regret it, never would, but as she looked at them she felt like an intruder in her own home. A hard knot of emotion formed in her chest. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was in danger of becoming the owner of a broken heart. Doubly broken. Her affection for both men had grown deep and rich. It was time for some serious risk assessment. Surely she had taken enough chances?
Enough for all three of them
. It was time to back off and let them carry on with their lives. After al , she had only complicated things for Joshua. The momentary pleasure of the sex was a great panacea for his troubled mind, but it was fleeting. What he real y needed was stability and order. She only confused matters for him. It was time to pul back.

As if he sensed her attention, Joshua lifted his head from Stewart’s chest and opened his eyes. A lazy smile lit his expression. “Time to get up?”

“Yes, up, up and away,” she said, forcing a bright smile.

The alarm went off at that very moment, the clock radio clicking on. A busy traffic commentary fil ed the room and Stewart’s head jerked up from the pil ow. He blinked in confusion as he looked around, quite obviously bewildered by the strange room fil ed with feminine fripperies. Hol y turned to her wardrobe, rifling through it for a fresh uniform, grateful for the chance to blink away her testing emotions.

Fifteen minutes later Stewart was ready to leave their own flat, where he had hurriedly dressed and grabbed his daily smoothie from the fridge. It was way past time to leave and he was going to have to drink it on the way. He paused and stuck his head in the bedroom door. Joshua was standing there in jockey shorts and shirt, doing up his tie.

“Wel ?” Stewart asked.

Joshua’s cheeks tensed then he sighed and abandoned his tie, resting his hands on his hips. “Yes, you were right. I’m obviously bi. Happy now?”

“If you are, I am.”

“Maybe we could talk about it, tonight?” Joshua looked at him, tentatively.

“Sure.” Stewart gestured at Joshua’s feet with his smoothie bottle. “Oh, by the way, your socks don’t match, shame on you.” He winked, grinned, and without saying another word he headed out to work.

* * * *

As soon as Hol y could grab a private moment between clients, she cal ed Faye.

“Hey, Hol y, are things getting any easier for you over there?”

“Yes and no.” It struck her then that ‘yes and no’ seemed to be the common feature of the last few days. “Yes and no,” Stewart had said to her when she’d thought they were both gay. And now she was saying it. Things had got better, she’d unburdened herself, but they real y weren’t any better at al . Not long term, not for her.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Anything I can do for you?”

“Yes, I was wondering…did you ever read any more about that Zen thing we talked about?”

“Oh, so you’re interested now?”

“Faye, have a heart. I’m in a bad way here.”

“Okay, okay. Actual y, I did. It’s real y interesting stuff.”

Hol y rol ed her eyes. “If you get hooked on this Zen thing don’t try to blame me after the event.”

“Why not? It would be your fault.”

Faye’s laughter did not soothe Hol y’s troubled mind. Right now she felt as if a lot of things were ‘her fault’ and it was al about damage limitation from here on in.

“Right, thanks. Did you find anything that might explain my situation?”

“No, but there’s a lot of mysticism in what I’ve read. Things just
are
.”

“That’s typical.”

“Wel , a lot of life is like that. It’s like the way our grandmother was psychic, but our mother isn’t and we are. No clue as to why. It just
is
.”

“Genetics, perhaps. Let’s hope it skips again and our kids don’t have the issues we’ve had.”

“Oh, so you’re thinking about having children now? These guys real y have caught your attention.” Faye’s laughter tinkled at the other end of the phone.

The knot in Hol y’s chest tightened. “Far from it. In fact I’m thinking I’m going to be single for a long time after this.”

Faye quietened. “Oh no, things haven’t got that bad have they? They haven’t been…mean to you?”

Hol y could hear the defensive tone growing in Faye’s voice. It was their special sisterly bond, the one that meant they protected each other’s psychic secrets. “No, nothing like that. It’s just that they are a couple, and if I don’t back away soon I’m going to get very hurt.”

“Ah, I see. You’re fal ing in love.”

“Yes, but who wants to be in love while playing gooseberry?”

“Not an ideal situation, I agree. What are you going to do about it?”

“I’m going to give notice on the flat, move into Monica’s place.”

“I’l help you pack.”

“Thanks, I might take you up on that.”

“Cal me when you need me.”

When Hol y put the phone down, she didn’t feel any better, but she had a plan and that meant she could move forward. She looked at her bookings.

Two clients after lunch, then she could cut loosely for the day.

* * * *

Josh glanced at his watch and jogged down the pavement towards the flats. He’d left work early because his new bicycle was due to be delivered in the next two-hour window. The order had gone in online the day before. Just when he’d been thinking he’d never find one he wanted as much as his previous bike—the one that had been demolished in the accident—a featured bike in his cycling magazine caught his attention and he’d ordered one straight from the manufacturer.

Luckily there was no sign of the delivery truck outside the flats, and he ran up the steps and into the reception hal way, where he intended to hover expectantly. Once inside, he took up his position by the glass doors and watched the traffic. He was eager to receive the delivery so he could jack in the Tube trips, and didn’t want to risk going upstairs to the flat. Taking off his tie he folded it into his pocket then undid his top two buttons. As he watched the traffic filter past, he heard a door being knocked and the low hum of voices nearby. At first he didn’t pay any attention. Then he caught the sound of a familiar voice.
Holly
?

Curious, he glanced over his shoulder. There were six flats on the ground floor, and they were accessed by a corridor that ran off the reception area from behind the staircase. The sounds were coming from that direction. Taking another quick glance outside, where there was stil no sign of the delivery truck, he walked towards the access point.

When he glanced down the corridor he saw Hol y outside one of the doors, chatting to a mature gentleman who stood in the doorway. He didn’t recognise the man, but he remembered her saying that her landlord lived on the ground floor.

Moving to a midway spot where he could stil see the front doorway, he planned to catch her when she came by. She must have come home early from work too. He wondered why. Curiosity was getting the better of him. Craning his neck, he tried to catch what they were talking about. Bits of the conversation drifted out to him.

As soon as he heard her mention giving notice on her flat, he was back at the end of the corridor straining to catch the rest of the conversation.

“I appreciate you saying that, Jim, but I’l be moving out quite soon. My sister’s going abroad for a few months with her job so I’m going to live in her place while she is gone. I’m aware that I have to give a month’s notice, that’s fair enough, but I’l be packing up from today. I’l let you know as soon as I’m done and I’l get the keys back to you so you can get it on the market.”

Josh was stunned. She hadn’t said anything about moving out. She had mentioned that the flat was too big since her flatmate moved on, but surely she would have mentioned it to them?
It’s because of me, us, because of what happened
. Had to be. He had to fight hard to resist the urge to shout down the corridor and tel her that she couldn’t move out. He wouldn’t al ow it. Stewart would be gutted. He was. He felt as if he had been punched repeatedly and without warning.

Restlessly, he paced the reception area. Taking off his jacket, he hung it on the handrail at the end of the staircase. Emotion wel ed up inside him.

He didn’t want her to go.

“Joshua.”

It was Hol y, and one look at her face informed him that she had felt his mood and sought him out because of it.

“You’re upset.”

“Of course I’m bloody upset. I overheard.” His mood was not improving. Looking at her made him feel possessive. It made him angry that she hadn’t told them. “What were you going to do, just leave?”

She shook her head. “I was going to talk to you about it this evening.”

“What, after the event? You’ve already given notice.” He had to press his lips together tightly to avoid saying more. Instead he strode over to her and took her by the shoulders, fuel ed by the need to hang on to her physical y. Looking deep into her eyes, he silently pleaded with her to reconsider, using their special link to hold her attention.

“Josh, please…” Her response came out on a strangled breath.

His mood was affecting hers. He’d never get used to that, but he wanted to try.

“I have to do it. It’s too much for me.”

“The psychic thing?”

“Yes and no.” She gave a sudden frustrated sigh and shook her head. Her eyes glistened with withheld tears. “You two are a couple, and I don’t want to make anything more difficult for you than it already is.”

“You don’t make things difficult, you make them better.” He blurted it out, but once it was said he realised it was the truth. She
had
made things better. Like the missing piece of the jigsaw that made him feel whole in a way that he never had before. “Hol y, I need you both.”

She shook her head, determined it seemed to stick to the path she had secretly carved out for her future.

Fuming, he gripped her tighter stil , drawing her closer to him. Surely Stewart wouldn’t want her to go, would he? Uncertainty prickled at the back of his neck. “Don’t do it, please Hol y.”

Her lips parted, but she didn’t speak. It was his mood, she felt his anger and his uncertainty and she was hurting. It was inside her and it was tearing her apart as much as it was him. That possessive response flared again. He pressed his mouth to hers.

At first she resisted, then her lips parted. She gave a smal captured sound then rested her hands against his chest. When he reached for them he found them fisted. Frustration boiled up inside him. She pul ed away, gasping.

“Delivery for Joshua Dawson?” The voice at his back threw Joshua.

When he looked over his shoulder he saw the delivery guy standing there with his PDA in one hand, the door held open with the other. He was waiting for confirmation. Josh gave him a wave, and in the background he saw another delivery man manoeuvring the box.

“It’s your new bike,” Hol y said.

Irritated by the hovering delivery man and interruption, Joshua gave a deep sigh.

“Go and sort your delivery out.” Hol y nodded her head. “I have to get on.”

Get on
? She was pul ing away again. Joshua wanted to tel the delivery guys to take the bloody bike back and leave him alone, but she was stepping away, and she nodded as if she understood.

“You promise you’l come over as soon as Stewart gets home?”

“I’l come over to yours around seven. How’s that?”

That was hours away. She real y was planning to pack up today.

“It’l have to do.” Unrepentant, he let her feel the ful weight of his unhappiness.

“Please don’t, Josh,” she whispered, her eyes rounding, then she turned away and darted for the stairs.

Josh grabbed the handrail, on the verge of going after her. But he was afraid he would push her away.

He needed Stewart’s cool head.

Most of al , he needed Stewart to show his hand.

When Stewart got home, the door to the flat was wedged open by a massive cardboard box. Squeezing past it, he found Josh in the sitting room, perched on the edge of the sofa, staring at the door as if he was waiting for his arrival.

“I thought you’d have had that open and assembled by now,” Stewart commented, nodding his head back at the package that was half in and half out of the flat. “Why isn’t the new beloved in here already?”

Joshua rose to his feet, and he looked tense. “You’re late.”

“Yes, problem at the gym. Two of the guys who offer personal training decided to cut their hours back at once, which leaves us short. I was re-jigging the schedules.” It was then he noticed how wired Josh looked, and he hadn’t changed out of his city gear, which was unusual.

“I texted you.”

“Must have forgotten to switch my phone back on after my last client.” Something was seriously amiss. He lifted his eyebrows. “Am I in trouble?”

“We’re both in trouble. Hol y is moving out.”

Stewart jerked his head back, astonished. “What? Since when?”

“Today. She gave notice to her landlord this afternoon. I only found out because I had to be here for the delivery and overheard. She’s coming here at seven, I insisted, but I think we’re too late to change her mind.”

Staggered by the unexpected news Stewart struggled to put it in place. “Did she say why?”

“Oh yeah.” Joshua’s eyes were bright, his intense emotions giving him an edgy look. “It’s because we’re a couple.” Josh gestured wildly with his hands, obviously frustrated. He paced back and forth. “What the hel ? She knew that, why would that make her move out?”

Stewart frowned. There was more to it, had to be. “Stay cool, let’s think it through.”

Joshua looked at him with that pleading expression, the one that normal y made him want to do depraved things to him. This time, however, it was emotional but it was about the three of them and not just the two of them. It was al about the three of them, now. Stewart knew that, but did Joshua?

“Do you think she feels threatened, because we’re a couple?” Joshua asked.

“No, I don’t think she feels threatened.”

“What then?”

“Joshua, what do you want from this? How would you feel if she moved out?”

“Gutted.”

No hesitation. Stewart smiled. “My guess is she needs to know that.”

“I tried to tel her that. Bloody hel , she could feel what I was feeling, but it just seemed to make her back off.”

“What were you feeling?”

“That I didn’t want to let her go.”

“Anything else?”

Joshua scrubbed at his head, frowning heavily. “I felt sure you wouldn’t want her to go either.”

“No, I don’t want her to go,” he paused, al owing that one to sink in, “but were you sure…when you thought about my reaction?”

Joshua’s eyes flitted from side to side. “Maybe not.”

Stewart bit back the urge to shout at him. Deep down he felt Josh should have known, but perhaps he hadn’t communicated his feelings about their relationship with Hol y wel enough. They had form, when it came to misunderstanding each other. It was Hol y who helped them with that, and that made him even keener to keep her in their lives.

“Perhaps—if she felt your hesitation—she’s afraid that she’s going to split us apart. She wouldn’t want that. She’s always been about the pair of us together, that’s what did it for her.”

“Okay, so I was a mess. But she’d already given notice.”

Stewart nodded. One thing was clear, they needed to talk, the three of them.

“What are we going to do?” Joshua asked.

“What do you want from this?”

“I want it to be like it was. I want the three of us to be together.”

Stewart smiled and nodded.

Meeting his gaze Joshua stil ed, calmed.

They understood each other, final y. They both wanted Hol y in their lives together. “We need to tel her that. She needs to know it from both us.”

He glanced at his watch. It wasn’t even six yet, but he saw no reason to wait.

* * * *

Trying to pack cases and boxes while Joshua’s chaotic emotions crashed against her in unruly waves from the flat next door was a torturous experience. Hol y wandered from shelf to shelve without logic, eager to be done and some place where she could think clearly and see the path she was meant to take in life. She’d become so bound up with them, so emotional y involved with them that she was a mess. And yet the thought of being without them made her even worse. Before long she’d started blubbing every few minutes, and had to carry a box of tissues with her wherever she went.

Pausing to look at her reflection in the bathroom, she saw a mascara-streaked woman with puffy pink eyes. Her shoulders drooped. How could it have got so out of control? A few days of good sex with two gorgeous men had apparently left her a snivel ing wreck.

Just then the incessant tides of chaotic emotion she felt from Joshua slowed, and somehow broke apart. She turned her head, staring in the direction of their flat. Had he begun to get over it? Had Stewart come home and told him to buck up?

Joshua’s attention sharpened, then locked on her.

“Oh, shit!” They were on their way over here.

A moment later, there was a knock at the door.

She rubbed her face with a tissue then threw the box aside as she darted through the flat to answer the door.

Stewart was leaning up against the frame when she opened it. He shook his head at her. “Sorry to have to say this, but you look dreadful.”

He pul ed her to him and kissed her forehead. His hands on her shoulders felt so good, so reassuring, just as they always did.
It’s just his strength,
don’t be fooled, it doesn’t represent security. You just wish that it did.

“Let’s get this sorted, shal we?” His thumbs rubbed at her affectionately as he looked down into her eyes.

“I have to move away—”

He put one finger to her lips, hushing her. Then he walked on into her sitting room.

Joshua was close behind him. Tensions stil marked his expression, but it was focussed. Level and calm, he closed the door, put one arm around her shoulder and led her into the sitting room where Stewart waited.

“This wil make it harder,” she murmured.

“No, it won’t,” Stewart said.

Joshua took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “I don’t want you to move out, neither of us do.”

Hol y stared at him, open-mouthed. He was determined to reach his goal, a goal that he had no intention of being elbowed away from. He was taking control of the situation.

He glanced at Stewart. “I know I can speak for both of us when I say you make us even better together. The thought of not seeing you every day…

wel , we both think that it’s just plain wrong.”

Hol y looked at Stewart. He nodded at her.

They wanted to continue this three-way relationship? Struggling to come to terms with the crucial meaning of the declaration, she grappled for a sensible response. “But, I’ve given notice on my flat.”

“Then move in with us,” Stewart said. “It’s where we want you to be. The three of us, not a couple and one person, but three lovers, together.”

Never before had she seen them this united in purpose. What they’d said made her feel weak, her legs like water under her. They wanted it to go on, they both did.

“I can’t.”

Stewart stared at her. “Is it because you think you’l split us up?”

“No, no way. You two are perfect together, that wouldn’t happen.”

“Why then?”

“Because I’m fal ing for you,” she blurted. “Because I care too much.”

“But that’s great news.” Stewart’s eyes shone. He broke into a smile. “Hol y, we’ve both fal en for you. We need you.”

“We have a spare room,” Joshua said, pushing it forward. “You could move in as a flat share if that suits you. Come wil ingly, don’t come under pressure.”

The wal of self-protection that she had hauled into place to hide behind was crumbling, but she tried to rebuild it, instinct forcing her to do so. “We hardly know each other. What if it went wrong?”

“We know more than enough to try.” Stewart stared at her. “Do you real y want to say goodbye, do you? Be honest.”

He held her gaze in that way of his, his wil so subtle yet so sure.

Emotion swel ed, then broke through the dam. She shook her head. As she did so, she felt dampness on her cheeks and realised that she was crying again.

Joshua patted the back of an armchair and indicated she should sit down.

She slumped into it and watched as the two men sprang into action.

Joshua located the box of tissues she had dropped and brought them to her. He squatted down in front of her as she blew her nose, loudly.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“What do I feel?” He asked the question while he held her gaze.

Warm waves of affection washed over her. Her bottom lip trembled again.

“See?”

She nodded.

Stewart had disappeared next door and returned with a bottle of Champagne. “I hope you don’t mind. We had this in and neither of us fancied your Irish liqueur.”

He gave her a cheeky grin.

“No, I don’t mind,” she said.

Is this real
? Surrounded by half-packed boxes and her life in a tangled mess, she’d buckled. Now, watching the two of them oscil ate around her space with such certainty they were al that did seem real, and she grasped hold of it, watching as they took over.

“I’l put it in the fridge to chil .”

Meanwhile, Joshua rose to his feet, pul ed his phone out of his pocket and opened it up. When Stewart got back he indicated that he should sit down as wel . Joshua remained standing.

“I asked you for proof,” he said to Hol y, “to prove your connection with me. I’m going to give you proof now, both of you,” he included Stewart by nodding in his direction, “of how much I want this, the three of us.”

“Are you sure about this?” Stewart asked.

Puzzled, Hol y observed. Then she gasped, because Joshua’s intentions reached her.

He seemed amused by that. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s time.”

He dial ed the number. “Hel o, Mum, it’s Joshua.”

Both Stewart and Hol y stared his way. He nodded at them and continued. “How is it going? Any new wedding problems?”

He shook his head at them. “That’s good to hear, I’m glad everything is under control.”

His mother spoke.

“Yes, there was something else. I wanted to ask you a question. You know what you said about Uncle Ted being in a polyamorous relationship…or whatever it was…were you and Dad seriously okay with that?”

Hol y and Stewart observed Joshua’s face as he listened to the voice on the other end of the phone. Hol y sensed his calmness, his readiness to address whatever the response was. His problems had mounted up, but it was time to clear the decks and he was ready.

Joshua’s eyebrows drew together then separated. He lifted his head and looked across at them both, then he switched his phone to speaker.

Hol y could scarcely breathe. He wanted them both to hear what was said. He real y wanted to prove something.

“Yes,” he said, once he was sure that they were both listening, “this is about Stewart and Hol y.”

Hol y glanced at Stewart quickly, she couldn’t help it. He was tense too, both of them wil ing everything to turn out okay for Joshua.

“I thought as much,” said Mrs Dawson.

“How did you know?” Joshua replied.

“I had an inkling, but I wasn’t sure. Once I realised that Stewart hadn’t slept in the guest room on Saturday night I was pretty sure.” She gave a hearty chuckle into the phone.

Both Hol y and Joshua looked at Stewart, whose eyebrows shot up.

“Oh, shit,” he said, “I forgot al about that. Meant to go back and rumple the bed.”

Hol y had never seen him blush, but he was genuinely embarrassed. For some reason it made her smile.

Meanwhile Joshua was scratching his head, but his expression had already brightened considerably. “And you’re al right about it, I mean about me being involved with two people, a woman and a man?”

“Joshua, we didn’t know what to make of your Uncle Ted, of course we were shocked. But that was back then, when al this kind of thing was shocking. It’s different nowadays.”

Joshua looked at his lovers and shook his head, like he couldn’t quite believe her nonchalance on the subject

“Son, life is not easy, and long-term relationships with one person have their ups and downs, no matter how much you love each other. If you can find two people you can openly be happy with, that’s much better than being in a relationship that feels incomplete, and going behind each other’s backs having affairs. I mean…have you seen some of the things that go on?” The tone of her voice changed dramatical y, turning both conspiratorial and avidly agog. “Some of these chat shows on daytime television can be a real eye-opener on human nature. Since your father retired, he’s got me hooked on them.”

Joshua’s jaw dropped. Hol y had to press her lips together to stop herself from laughing aloud. Stewart didn’t even bother trying to hold back. He laughed, then let out a sigh of relief, stretching in his chair as if he’d been tense too long.

Before Joshua had a chance to respond, his mother was off again. “Anyway I want to hear al about it and how it happened, but right now we have to go and col ect the cake and I need al my faculties together for that. If your father drops it Donna wil never forgive us. See you at the weekend. You’re al coming, right?”