Homecoming (18 page)

Lizzie’s hand went to her face, and Jill felt herself lean into it, just the way the cats did when they rubbed against her. “You’re not my sister, Jill. You’re a close family friend who’s been out of our lives for almost twenty years. I was just learning to tie my shoes when you disappeared! It’s not like you’ve been sitting next to me at the dinner table this whole time, and I just reached over and kissed you.”

“But Mark’s been my best friend since I was six!”

“So?” She stared at her, clearly perplexed. “If you crossed off every relative of every person you hung out with in Sugar Hill, no one would ever get married. Everyone in town’s been with a friend’s sister or brother or cousin. My mom almost
married
my dad’s first cousin.”

“She did?” That yanked Jill right off track. This was news to her.

“She did. And my mom’s sister dated your dad. Seriously,” she added, her emphasis indicating they were more than casual acquaintances.

Jill shook her head, trying to clear it enough to accept this new information. “I understand that people in a small town have all sorts of connections. But I have very, very strong feelings for your parents.”

“You’re not considering dating my mom, right? ’Cause that’d be wrong.” A teasing grin settled onto her face, making her even more attractive. Jill grasped her hand again and started to walk, her shoes crunching against twigs and the thick carpet of decayed leaves.

“I can’t see how this could work out,” Jill insisted. “For so many reasons.”

Lizzie pulled her hand close, holding it against her chest. Her warm skin and beating heart pulsed against Jill’s flesh, making her feel a little light headed.

“I don’t want to hear any reasons that might insult me,” Lizzie warned. “Just don’t go there.”

Jill tried to sort out her feelings, but they were a hopeless tangle. She pulled out her phone, checked the time and said, “It’s almost three. That’s when the agent’s going to show up with the keys.”

Lizzie put a hand on her cheek and stared into her eyes for a minute. “Can I kiss you?” she asked, with her hand slipping to the back of Jill’s neck, where she exerted gentle pressure.

“No!” She yanked away, wincing at the hurt she saw in Lizzie’s lovely eyes. “I’m too damned confused.”

“Okay,” she said softly. They turned, but this time Lizzie didn’t take her hand, and Jill felt the loss all the way back to the cabin.

As they got close, she decided to just lay it out there. To be completely honest, as Lizzie had been with her. “I’m really shaky.”

“It’s all right,” she said, her voice soft and reassuring. “We’ll talk about this when we’re alone.”

“Thanks,” Jill said, giving her a tense smile. “I really do appreciate that. I don’t think clearly under pressure. I need time for this to settle.”

***

As soon as the agent left, Karen and Becky pulled up and they all spent a while going over the cabin like they were explorers. Jill almost forgot how nervous she was, but by the time everyone had arrived, and bedrooms were assigned, she recalled why she was shaking. Mary Beth wasn’t down yet, and Gerri and Kathleen offered to share one of the rooms with twin beds, leaving the other one for Jill and Lizzie. That made sense, of course. Lizzie wouldn’t want to share with someone she barely knew when Jill was available. But the thought of being roommates struck her with a wave of panic.

Karen and Becky had gone to the grocery store, and Alice was going to cook dinner. As Alice started to organize the pantry, Lizzie caught Jill’s eye and gestured to the woods.

“We’re going to take a quick walk,” Jill said.

“I could stretch my legs,” Kathleen said, starting to get up.

Jill used her secret weapon. “Great!” she said with enthusiasm. “We’re going to see how may laps of the trail we can do before we croak.”

As quickly as she’d risen, Kathleen sank back down. “Have fun,” she said, waving. “You can tell us all about your adventures. Take pictures!”

Lizzie was still laughing as they left via the back door. Jill had her wool jacket on, but Lizzie seemed perfectly fine with a lime green spring windbreaker. She was clearly made of tougher stuff.

When they reached the woods, Jill decided to stick with her earlier plan of being completely frank. “I know this isn’t the perfect time for this, but I call home on the last Saturday of every month. If I don’t do it now, I’ll obsess about it.”

Lizzie looked at her, concern filling her face. “I know you have a hard time at home, but I don’t know much more than that.”

She looked so interested. And understanding. Jill almost never talked about home, but she was feeling particularly, fragile and the words came spilling out. “Do you know my mom?”

“I know who she is, but I’ve never spoken to her. I’ve said hello to your dad a few times, though. He seems nice.”

“Yeah, he’s a salesman, so he’s friendly for a living.” She met Lizzie’s eyes. “My mom’s…troubled. Or troubling. Both, usually.”

“Does she have a mental illness?”

“Maybe.” Jill nodded, then spit it out. “No one knows. She’s just a very difficult person, and each call seems like it goes on for hours. I
hate
to call,” she added, tension filling her voice. But she chose to get it over with, hitting the speed dial and waiting as the call failed time and again. “I’ll have to go out later. If I can get close to Vergennes, I’ll be able to connect.” She dropped the phone back into her pocket and realized Lizzie was still looking at her with care and compassion.

“Does she rely on you?” Lizzie asked, her hand moving gently across Jill’s shoulder.

“No, thank god, she’s in very good health, and she’s able to go anywhere she wants. She’s…” Jill shrugged, unable to explain herself. “She’s just hard to talk to.”

“I’m sorry,” Lizzie said gently. “I always feel better when I talk to my family. Even with my dad being sick. If I don’t talk to them for a week, I start to really miss them.” Her hand compressed around Jill’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you don’t have that.”

“I
do
have that,” she insisted. “Just not from my own parents.” She took in a breath, trying to settle her nerves. Walking seemed like a good idea, so she headed deeper along the trail, where the trees once again enveloped them in a protective embrace. “That’s why I can’t consider dating you, Lizzie. I’ve just gotten this connection back. It’d
kill
me to lose it again.”

“Do you honestly think my parents would…what? Stop talking to us if we were together? Do you really think they’re that narrow-minded?”

“No, I don’t think they’re narrow-minded. But you can’t convince me they’d
like
it. And I don’t want to risk ruining what I’ve longed for.”

Lizzie grasped the sleeve of Jill’s jacket and pulled her to a halt. She stared at her for a few minutes, her eyes moving incredibly slowly as she scanned Jill’s face intently. “That sounds like a convenient excuse. Be honest with me. If you’re not into it, just say so.”

Jill could almost see the hurt coloring her words.
Damn it!
Why did Lizzie have to do this? She focused on the path as she began to walk again, trying to corral her thoughts. “I meant what I said earlier today. If I’d just met you, you couldn’t get rid of me.”

“Then why are you so willing to give up something you might want? Don’t you want a relationship? Are you happier single?”

“No,” she admitted. “I’m happier when I’m partnered. Much happier. Becca didn’t give me half of what I needed, but it was still hard to break up with her. The good things we had almost overcame the bad.”

“So the only thing stopping you is worrying about my family? If so, I’ll tell them I’m attracted to you and see what they say.”

Jill gripped her hands into fists, her stomach in knots. She didn’t want to add to her list of reasons, but she had to. “That’s not the only thing that’s stopping me.”

Lizzie walked along silently, staring at the ground. “It’s because I’m bi.”

“Not exactly,” Jill said. “But I’m not ever going to be okay with my girlfriend seeing other people.” She shot a look at Lizzie. “I couldn’t share you with a guy. Even once in a while.”

Clearly exasperated, Lizzie let out a long breath. “I didn’t ask you if you wanted to fool around, Jill. I want to be in a relationship. A
monogamous
relationship.”

“But that’s not what you had before. You told me that
very
clearly.”

“I did,” she agreed. “When I was with a man, I craved a woman’s touch. But I don’t think I’d feel that same urge if I was with a woman. With
you
,” she emphasized.

Frustration bubbling up, Jill’s voice rose. “But you don’t know that! You’ve never even been in love with a woman. And I don’t want to be the woman who can’t give you what you need.”

Lizzie’s glare was so hot Jill could feel it burn her cheek. “You’re holding my history against me, and that’s just not fair.”

They stopped and faced each other for several tense seconds. “Of course I am! Just like you’d hold mine against me if there was something that bothered you. If I’d had nothing but quick, messy breakups with people I talked shit about, I don’t think you’d find me very attractive.”

“How many significant relationships have you had? Total.”

Jill thought for a minute, trying to be precise. This was important. “Five since I’ve been out of school. Two during college, but I just glommed onto the first two women who showed any interest. Those don’t count.”

“Five in eighteen years?” A dark auburn eyebrow rose. “That’s not a great batting average for someone who wants a monogamous, long-term relationship. But I’m more than willing to give you a shot. Why can’t you do the same?”

“Because your were with men!” Jill blew out a breath, furious with herself for letting that out. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “That was really shitty of me to say.”

“No, it’s shitty of you to
think
. But it’s what I expected.” She started to walk faster, leaving Jill in her dust as she grumbled, “I’m sick of all of these open-minded people, who know what it’s like to be discriminated against, doing the same to me.”

“I’m not discriminating against you!” Jill yelled after her.

“Then what do you call it?” Lizzie stopped and stared as she demanded hotly, “Give it whatever name you want. It’s still prejudice.”

They were both hot under the collar, but Jill was very relieved that Lizzie fought fair. She said what she thought, and then dropped it. If it were Becca on this trail, Jill would be lectured for the rest of the trip, with all of her faults listed in order.

“Can I have some time to think about this?” Jill asked. “I’ve got to sort things out.”

“Sure,” she said, a little snappish. “I can’t
make
you care for me, Jill. But I can guarantee we could make something special out of this if you’ll give it a try.”

“There’s not a doubt in my mind that’s true,” Jill said, knowing she was being completely honest. “I just have to do some thinking.”

***

It wasn’t as hard as Jill thought it would be to focus on her friends and their easy interaction. After dinner, everyone played Monopoly for a couple of hours, until Lizzie caught Jill’s eye and pointed to where her watch would have been if she wore one. Obviously, her patience had its limits. After saying goodnight to everyone, they went into their room, one with the bath attached. Lizzie went to get ready for bed first, emerging wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt with “Sugar Hill Smithy” printed across the back. The shirt was long enough that it covered her upper thighs, leaving Jill to wonder if she was naked under all of that cotton. This was
exactly
what she didn’t want to happen. She’d been hanging around with a really cute, single woman who was attracted to other women, and had managed to firmly ignore her instincts. Until now. Now all she wanted to do was pick up the edge of that long shirt and hope there wasn’t another stitch hiding under it.
Shit!

Heading into the bath to get her thoughts in order, Jill performed her usual nighttime routine, emerging with teeth brushed and flossed and moisture lotion covering her chapped face and hands.

Lizzie took a long look, then her face broke into a tender smile. “That’s just what you used to wear when you slept over at our house. Flannel pajama bottoms and a T-shirt.”

“It is?” Jill looked down, a little surprised to realize she had anything at all on. Her nerves were so jumpy, her body was numb.

“Yeah.” Lizzie moved closer, so close Jill could see her pupils widen in the golden glow of the lamp. “You weren’t paying attention to me, but I studied you like a treasure map.”

“Oh, God,” she moaned, dropping to the bed heavily. “That makes me feel like such a perv!”

“Why?” Lizzie sat next to her and took her hand, gently chafing it between her own. “I had a crush on you when I was little, then it went away.”

“It really did?” Jill asked, begging for reassurance.

“Really. I sulked around the house for a while after you stopped coming over, and I rode my bike over to your street to see if I could spot you, but by the time I went back to school that fall I had a new obsession.” She laughed wryly. “I was crushed out on both Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet once I saw
Titanic
.”

Jill started to laugh as well. “I guess there are worse people to be thrown over for.”

“For sure. So, here we are, twenty years later, and I’ve come to realize I was a damned perceptive kid.” She put her hand on Jill’s shoulder and kept eye contact for a few seconds. “I swear I haven’t been obsessed with you all these years, Jill. Even when I heard you were coming to the party, I was more curious than anything. Promise.” She took Jill’s hand and put it over her heart. “I swear that’s true. This is new.”

Also new to Jill was the sensation of having her hand pressed against Lizzie’s warm chest and feeling a strong heartbeat thrumming steadily beneath her fingers. She could get used to that very, very quickly. After pulling her hand away, she could think clearly enough to form a coherent sentence. “Can I have some time? Some time to figure out what I’m afraid of?”