Homecoming (19 page)

“I think I know what you’re afraid of,” Lizzie said, her gaze as gentle as a caress. “And I promise you my family will think this is awesome.
Awesome
,” she insisted.

There was no way she could know that. No way at all. She was guessing, the same way Jill was. They’d just come to different conclusions, and Jill’s scared her to death.

***

Jill had, surprisingly, gotten to sleep pretty quickly. But she woke with a start at midnight, no more than fifteen minutes after she’d drifted off. She was one hundred percent awake, with her mind running in a dozen different directions.

Quiet voices seemed to be coming from the living room, and she tossed her feet to the floor to join her friends. Lying there, anxious and obsessing, wasn’t her idea of fun. But as she sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes landed on a peacefully sleeping Lizzie, looking as pretty as she’d ever seen her.

Jill slapped at her face with her open hand. Now she was staring at sleeping women. Not too pervy! But she couldn’t stop. If Lizzie woke up and saw her, she’d just have to fess up and take the consequences.

As long as she was going to stare, she decided to get comfortable. Lying down again, she punched her pillow into shape and propped her head up at a good angle. It was hard to see definition in the dim room, but the moonlight provided enough light to make out features. Jill sighed. She was stunningly attracted to Lizzie. From her unlined forehead, down to her well-shaped nose and sumptuous mouth, all of Lizzie’s features combined to create a truly lovely woman. She’d known that since Mark’s party, of course. If anyone had asked, she’d have easily said Lizzie was the prettiest woman she knew. But when you put her in a different category—shifting from forbidden to possible—Jill’s whole body was able to focus on exactly how pretty she was.

It wasn’t just her face that attracted Jill, of course. There was a reason she’d tried to hook Lizzie up with not one, but two friends—something she almost never did. Lizzie was so cool, and was such a lovely person, she wanted someone she liked to get a chance at hooking her. Now she had that chance, and she was stuck between amazement at her good luck and heart-stopping fear. She could hardly express how much she wanted to cross the few feet that separated them and slip into her bed. And given how Lizzie had approached her, she was damned sure she wouldn’t be kicked out. How did this happen? How could you go from objective appreciation for a friend to wanting to crawl into her bed in just a few hours? Nothing like this had ever happened to her, and the dissonance in her feelings was driving her nuts.

As her gaze slid down and landed on the curve of Lizzie’s hip, she found her mouth starting to water.
Enough!
Truly annoyed with herself, Jill rifled through her bag to find a fleece shirt to ward off the chilly night, then went to join her friends. She would
not
molest a sleeping Lizzie, even with just her imagination.

***

Sunday was a little warmer, and the wind had died down to a fairly gentle breeze from the North. Jill’s arms and chest muscles were so sore she whimpered when she put her bra on. But Lizzie was ready for action as soon as they’d eaten breakfast. They took the rowboat out, with Jill sitting on the bench that faced the bow, and Lizzie butching it up to row.

The kayaks were already in the water, and Jill appreciated that Lizzie didn’t laugh at Skip and Alice as they made the grievous mistake of trying to manage the tandem kayak. Luckily for Skip, cell service was a little spotty, as Jill had discovered the day before, so Alice probably couldn’t reach her divorce attorney without a cooling-off period.

They skimmed past the bickering pair, with Lizzie rolling her eyes as she whistled a tune. “It’s awfully tempting to offer advice, but no one really wants it,” she said as she turned her head to make sure she was giving them plenty of room to maneuver.

“That’s the damned truth,” Jill said, struck, once again, by Lizzie’s pragmatic nature. She could have easily guided Skip and Alice out of trouble, but they wanted to fight. It was their thing, and years of Jill’s tactfully trying to suggest options for avoiding squabbles hadn’t had the slightest effect, other than to frustrate her. But Lizzie went directly to the solution—leave them alone to figure out their own relationship. There were so many ways in which Lizzie had damned good instincts. Mature instincts. More reasoned and direct than many of Jill’s. She would be a great partner. But what would Janet and Mike say? Their reaction meant everything. Absolutely everything.

***

After dinner, Lizzie did the opposite of Jill’s fade away, spending a few minutes with each person, offering her thanks and insisting on paying for at least her share of the groceries. No one would hear of it, and Jill realized that was because they thought of her as a kid. Someone who’d have to reach into a relatively empty pocket to pay her share. Maybe Janet and Mike weren’t the only people she had to worry about. Her friends might have an opinion about Lizzie as well.

After the long goodbyes, Jill walked Lizzie out to her car. “Are you sure you’ve got enough of a charge to make it home?”

“Positive. I keep a close eye on my little nameless car,” she said, patting it. “I’ve got enough juice for forty-five miles, and my apartment’s only thirty.”

Jill moved a little closer, with Lizzie’s lovely features even more striking in the silvery moonlight. “I worry about you. Will you text me when you get home?”

“Sure. And I’ll wait until I’m parked,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I already get the texting lecture from my mom.”

“You don’t need another mom,” Jill insisted. “Yours is as good as they come. She got you to the cusp of your thirtieth birthday, so she must be doing something right.”

Lizzie moved a little closer too, looking up into Jill’s eyes. “Still want to do something on the Saturday between our birthdays? Or have I scared you off?”

“Yes, and yes,” Jill said, nodding forcefully. “But I’ll gut it up and be ready to go.”

“We’ll have to go early. Is that okay?”

“It’s perfect. The earlier we go, the longer we get to be on the water.”

Lizzie lifted her hand and slapped Jill’s palm. “We’ll have a great time,” she insisted as she got into the car. “Excited!”

She closed the door and turned the motor on. As Jill watched her pull out, the thought passed through her mind that Lizzie was a damned nice combination of emotionally mature and totally playful. Who could possibly resist her?

***

Jill was up early on Monday morning, worrying. She was so agitated only exercise would blow off some of the stress. It was a little warmer, and the lake was much calmer today. She went to the dock and dropped one of the kayaks in, then paddled around until she spotted Karen leave the cabin and take a seat on one of the Adirondack chairs set up near the bank. Just a few long strokes had her back at the shore. She looked up and smiled when Karen came over to hold the kayak close.

“Thanks. I really overdid it on Saturday. I might have had to stay out here for hours until someone came to rescue me.”

Fondly, Karen reached down and ruffled her hair. “You aren’t the poster child for moderation.”

“Only about exercise,” Jill reminded her. “Thankfully.” She sat on the bank, then got to her feet and pulled the boat from the water. After turning it over to let it dry, she flopped down on the pink chair that sat at an angle to Karen’s.

“Let me get you a cup of coffee,” Karen said, taking off for the cabin before Jill could complain. After she returned, they sat and quietly sipped their coffee, with Jill trying to decide how and if she should spill her secret.

Before she could make an overture, Karen looked at her for a long moment, then said, “Is everything okay? You’ve seemed awfully anxious ever since we got here. That’s not like you.”

A dozen threads unspooled in her head, but Jill caught the one that mattered the most. Getting to the heart of the issue, she let it out. “Lizzie’s got a crush on me.”

Karen cocked her head, waiting for more. Reluctantly, Jill finished by looking down at the ground and adding, “And I’ve got a crush on Lizzie.”

Nodding impassively, Karen waited, obviously giving Jill time to finish. Finally, she said, “I’m more than a little surprised.”

Her head snapped up. “Of course you are. I’m a thousand years older than she is, and she’s my best friend’s sister!”

Karen’s face lit up with a smile. “I thought she was straight, Jill. And I’m pretty sure you’re not.”

Jill blinked, confused. Her past statements flew through her mind, but she had no memory of ever talking about Lizzie’s sexual orientation. “Did I say she was straight?”

“I don’t think so. She just looks it.” She put a hand over her eyes, clearly embarrassed. “I can’t believe I say things like that.” She took a deep breath. “I should be able to see past the stereotype, which I
know
is false.”

“I wasn’t surprised that she’s interested in women,” Jill clarified. “But I was stunned that she’s interested in me.”

Karen’s head tilted. “But you said you have a crush on her too. What’s that all about?”

“I never, ever would have let myself think about her that way,” Jill said, wishing she had a bible to swear on to emphasize her point. “But the minute she told me she was interested in me, I looked at her in a new way. Like she was a stranger. And…” She sucked in a breath as her head dropped back and her chin pointed up at the sky. “If she were a stranger…” Slowly, she lifted her head and managed a single word. One that made her sound like she was still in high school. “Wow.”

“She’s very, very cute,” Karen said, unsuccessfully trying to hide a smirk. “And everyone likes her.” She pursed her lips as she thought. “That doesn’t always impress me. A cute woman can easily charm a bunch of lesbians. But the kids all loved her. They’re a much tougher crowd.”

“You and Becky like her?” She felt so stupid, begging for confirmation of her own instincts!

“Yeah, we do. I remember talking about her on the way home from your barbecue. We were both amazed at how Olive took to her. Kids sense kindness, Jill. It’s really tough to fake.”

“She’s a very sweet person,” Jill admitted. “If she was near my age and wasn’t from my tiny home town, or the daughter of people I think of as second parents…” She slapped her face with both hands, letting out a growl. “I don’t know what to do! Now that she’s opened up to me, I can’t stop thinking about her!”

“Calm down,” Karen said as she leaned forward and patted Jill’s knee. “You’re catastrophizing this.”

“What am I going to do?” Jill moaned louder, knowing she was repeating herself. “She’s exactly the kind of woman I’ve been looking for, Karen. But she’s off limits.”

“I’m not sure I understand why she’s forbidden fruit.” She looked at her carefully. “Is that usually a thing for you? Do you find yourself attracted to unavailable women?”

“No. Not…” Grumbling to herself, she said, “I was with an unavailable woman once, but that was many years ago. I learned my lesson.”

Karen gazed fondly at Jill, who felt like she was under a microscope. “So this has really knocked you for a loop.”

“A big one!” She felt like she was speaking in a series of exclamation points, but didn’t know how to calm down.

“Let’s look at this logically. How big is the age difference? Fifteen years?”

“No!” She shook her head. “It’s bad enough. She’s turning thirty two days before I turn forty.”

“Well, look at the bright side. For two whole days, she’ll only be nine years younger.”

Something about the way she said that caught Jill the right way and she laughed, feeling some of the tension release. “I can see why you’re such a busy therapist. You’re clearly worth whatever fee you charge.”

“I’m not your therapist. I’m your friend. And I’m concerned that you’re being so rigid about this.”

“These are big issues, Karen. Really big!”

“No, they’re not,” she said gently. “You don’t have a huge age difference. Ben’s close to twenty years older than Jason, and no one even seems to notice any more. And don’t forget Mary Beth and Kathleen have a pretty big gap.”

“Only six or seven years,” Jill corrected her. “This is
twice
that.”

“Are you sure you should be in charge of the university’s finances? Come on now. Don’t be so hung up on the age thing.”

“I shouldn’t be,” she admitted, “since that isn’t the biggest issue. Her family is.”

Karen took a breath and stared into her eyes for a few seconds before she spoke. “Would you feel the same if you were a man?”

“If I were a man…? I don’t get it.”

“If you were a man, and you were interested in a friend’s sister, would you think you needed permission to pursue her?”

Karen’s gaze was unrelenting, but Jill tried to clear her mind and think. Finally, she dropped her head and admitted the truth. “Probably not.”

“I think you’ve got a little homophobia tied up in that thought process,” Karen insisted. “Take a look at that. If you wouldn’t think it was odd for a guy to ask a friend’s sister out, it shouldn’t be weird for you.”

“But I don’t want to risk Janet and Mike tossing me out on my ear. They’re really important to me, Karen.”

“I get that. I do. But look at it this way. If they’d cut their daughter off because she’s gay, are they the people you want as parent figures?”

“I don’t think they’d cut Lizzie off, no matter what. But they don’t know she’s…into women,” Jill said, omitting the proper term. She wasn’t ready to tell even her close friends that Lizzie was bi. That was Lizzie’s secret to reveal if she felt like it.

“Then she’d better come out. Springing this on them would be a lot to process all at once.”

Jill blinked at her. “You sound like it’s a foregone conclusion I’m going to be with Lizzie.”

Karen stood, moved over behind Jill, then bent and kissed her cheek. “I’ve seen you go through three relationships. And you didn’t seem this excited about all of those women put together. I think you’re already hooked. You just haven’t acknowledged it to yourself.”