Honey Red (30 page)

“I know,” Ian had said, tugging her close. “How are you?”

“I’m …. None of your business anymore.” She’d ripped herself away from him, leaving a piece of her heart in his hands before walking away.

Now, she put a hand on her still flat stomach, and let what was left of her heart lead. She opened the door, handed the gown to the nurse who stood, waiting with her IV needles and drugs. “Thanks, anyway,” she said, squaring her shoulders and walking out the door, already talking to the baby inside her. “It’ll be okay kid. My mom will help, and she’ll only make us a little nuts. But it will be worth it.”

Chapter Thirty

Ian groaned and rolled over, reaching for his man, his woman. Then opened his eyes and picked up the heavy mantle of loneliness he’d put aside when he finally fell asleep the night before. He’d had baby duty the night before, happy to help but had forgotten how much work it was. Willing to go along with Alyssa’s somewhat paranoid insistence that Tyler never be left alone until the doctors let him sleep without full monitoring he’d walked the floor holding the kid as he cried, then slept. His head ached, his heart pounded. He needed Nick. He wanted Hannah so bad he could feel it as a physical spike of pain in his gut. But the man had stayed sequestered in the guest room, and Ian hadn’t the energy to try and lure him out.

But he had finished that, hadn’t he? And he had nearly lost Nick again, despite what the man said, he knew that whole fucking fire thing was his fault. He sat, tried to rally the energy to get on with the day. Hannah had been completely distant, not communicating with him beyond the necessary words of work. He kept wanting to ask about the baby, the abortion, to make sure she was okay with everything. She’d been gone for three days, during which time he assumed she’d taken care of it. And of course, that was his fault, too.

He rose, took a shower, got dressed, drank coffee, played his father role, and went to work on autopilot. Hannah was there already, doing her thing and ignoring the shit out of him. As usual.

Gavin called about halfway through the day. “Nick went home today.”

“Oh?” he tried to remain casual. “The new place?”

They’d decided to buy a new house, a handicapped accessible one for him just a few miles from Alyssa and Gavin’s place, making a fresh start sans memories and bullshit. Ian thought it was a good idea. And only wished he could help. But he’d done enough already hadn’t he?

“Yeah. Alyssa’s not happy about it. She’s having some kind of serious let down moment right now. But on the up side Tyler is off the monitor.”

“Yeah,” he felt lame but had no words as he gazed at Hannah through the maze of stainless steel fermentation vessels. She was leaning back, talking with one of his younger brewers. The guy smiled at her, touched her arm. They both laughed and the look on the guy’s face made the hair on the back of Ian’s neck stand up. He gritted his teeth and looked away. He had slammed that door shut but good with his asshole reaction to her news and his selfish sharing rules. She was not his to possess or be jealous of or even care about anymore. But he did; so much so that it kept him awake every night.

“You okay?” Gavin’s voice sounded a million miles away.

Ian sighed. “I have made my bed, brother, and now I’m wallowing around in it. Nobody’s fault but mine.”

“Well, that is just about the lamest shit I have ever heard out of your mouth. And I’ve heard my fair share of it.”

Ian winced at his brother’s angry tone, mainly because the man was right. He had never shied away from what he wanted. Why he couldn’t manage to reach out to either of the people he loved right now, to at least make some sort of amends was beyond him. He felt encased in cotton, numb, marking time and avoiding what mattered. And he couldn’t seem to change that.  “Yeah, well….”

“I hear Hannah is leaving us.”

Ian sat up, his face burning. “What?”

“Yeah, she put in her resignation yesterday. I thought you knew….” Gavin’s voice trailed off. “Well, anyway,”

“Exactly. I gotta go.” He tossed the phone down on the table and waited a half second before bellowing out that asshole kid’s name who was eyeballing his woman.

Hold up, Donovan. Not your woman. Not anymore.

Fuck it.

“Hey, Roberts! Get your ass back here and show me how you jacked up my fermentation log with your bullshit entries.”

The kid jumped and scurried back to him. Hannah met Ian’s gaze for a few seconds, then turned away. The rest of the day was a blur of work, avoidance, checking on the Honey Red, which was in secondary fermentation and smelled heavenly. He suddenly wished Nick were here, sticking his nose in the beaker of rich red, honey infused brew. Fury washed over him. He dropped the whole fucking thing in the sink, watched it shatter into a zillion pieces and stomped out of the brewery, out to his truck and pointed it towards home. He touched the quick dial on his steering wheel and smiled when Jamie’s voice filled the cab. “Hi, Daddy. Can we go swimming? Tracy said we could.”

“How about this buddy—how about I pick you up early, like now and we not only go swimming, we get ice cream for dinner?”

“Yay, Daddy! Ice cream for dinner!” The kid dropped the phone with a clatter that echoed around in Ian’s ears a second until he realized Jamie had forgotten to hang up. He gritted his teeth. Time with his son had been rare lately. He’d been so focused on his own selfish needs. This was good—getting him back on track, thinking about what was really important, like his family or what was left of it. Without fully acknowledging that he considered both Nick and Hannah as family, he cranked the radio and ignored the throbbing empty space in his soul—where he’d had true happiness once and managed to toss it away.

Chapter Thirty-One

Hannah watched Ian stomp out of the brewery after letting a beaker of Honey Red shatter in the large sink. She gulped and had to grip the leg of a tall stainless steel vessel to keep from running after him. She missed him so much. They’d developed such a great working camaraderie both before and after climbing into each other’s pants. She cursed herself for letting it get too personal. And she was on fire with lack of attention, that much was certain. Her hormones were roiling around like a fucking stew, making her hot, cold, ecstatic, and irrationally furious in turns. The doctor said that she should be able to hear a heartbeat at her visit in about two weeks and her nausea had stopped, finally leaving a void of horny energy she had a tough time dispelling alone.

She sighed, and leaned her head against the cool metal.  She had to leave, even though she was worried about her new insurance plan covering what would be a fairly obvious pre-existing condition. Now that all the doctor visits, hospitals and shit were mapped out in front of her it made her more than a little breathless. It was an expensive thing, this pregnancy, and at the end of it she’d have a child to support. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and tried not to call him, but she wanted to hear his voice so badly, to relay this mess, get his advice. Anything. But he’d made it clear that her getting pregnant was the end of his interest in her, period. And Nick still wouldn’t respond, no matter what she did. She had talked to Alyssa and Gavin but even they had no explanation for the full shut down that Nick had embraced. Maybe, if she told him the truth, that she was still pregnant…she shook her head. No, this was her issue now, not his. A tiny voice of reason reminded her that she could tell him, should probably let him know and that would likely break down his new emotional stronghold, the one that resisted both her and Ian. But her stubborn streak clicked in, prohibiting it.

As she stood pondering her dilemma, her phone buzzed with a call from Alyssa. “Hi, how’s the baby farm?” She asked. Alyssa had been a very good friend through all of it, but even she could not convince her brother to let Hannah back in his life.

“Oh, fine, smells like puke and shit, and I don’t think I’ve had a shower in about a week. But, you know, great. Listen, I just dropped Nick off at his new place. I left him there, because he wanted to be alone, but…,”

“I’m not going to his house Alyssa. He doesn’t want to see me any more than Ian does.”

“Sweetie, you aren’t trying hard enough. Those boys may think they are stubborn alpha males but I think you just gotta take over, show them you know what’s best. I swear you guys could make it work, especially since….”

“No.” Hannah leaned back against the fermenter.

“Have you even told him you didn’t abort?”

“No. It’s no longer any of his business.”

“Well, okay. Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be such a bitch.”

“Oh, please. Just wait a few months. You haven’t even touched the inner bitch yet.”

“What about…you know, the dog thing?”

Alyssa sighed. Hannah heard a small cry. “The trainer was there with the new dog and Nick actually seemed glad, willing to listen and learn this time. Because of his history, the Purple Heart and all that, he got pulled for a new program, one that actually supports vets and their service dogs. It’s a girl. Daisy.”

“Oh, well, that’s….”

“Yeah, I gotta go handle some kind of baby disaster, but I wanted you to know that he’s there, and I think he misses you, a lot. But the trainer is also a vet, and a tough asshole, so Nick is probably getting whipped into shape on many levels right now.”

Hannah ran a hand over her eyes. “I’m glad for him. He needs this. I miss him, so much.” Her heart ached with remorse. If asked right then she would not even be able to enunciate which “him” she meant. She would give anything to see them both, hold them, let them hold her and soothe some of the near constant anxiety out of her. But it was too late. Between the three of them, there was just too much stubborn history to overcome. It wasn’t worth the effort. It would never work. Their own personalities and issues and society’s inability to accept a true polyamorous relationship precluded a scenario that would be much more than what they’d had already—intermittent blazing hot sex, interspersed with long periods of time apart pretending that they were just fuck buddies.

“Oh, honey,” Alyssa sighed. “I know you do, but this is up to you now. Take control and don’t let these men ruin everything. Okay?”

“Okay. Maybe. Probably not,” She rubbed her side, which had been aching, in yet another weird way, like everything about her lately.

The next few weeks flew by and before she knew it Hannah could sense her body change, adjust, and the small hard bump under her shirt made her smile every time she touched it. She’d ended up turning down the Ford marketing job and had told Gavin but had threatened him within an inch of his life if he told Ian anything more than just the bare facts. Let the man wonder, she determined. He deserved it. He’d hardly even acknowledged her presence around the brewery, seeming to go way out of his way to avoid her.