Hope for Her (Hope #1) (27 page)

"Oh my God." I watched Jackson; I wanted him to give me a hint on how I was supposed to respond. He held a firm command of his emotions.

I had only known Josh for nine months. He and Josh had been best friends for nine years.

"I wanted to let you know before the rumors start on campus. It was early when we finished our investigation and got him and his car off campus, but some students noticed and his car is pretty unique."

"Does his dad know?" Jackson asked.

"Yes, I spoke to him before I came to see you. He's on his way to Tallahassee."

"Does his father know what he did?" I asked.

"Yes, I know Mr. Griffin pretty well. I contacted him to let him know his son was missing, and we had issued a warrant for his arrest in the attempted murder of you and . . ."

"Jack," I said.

Jackson turned and took my hand and smiled, but the news of his friend's death hit him hard.

"I need to go," he said. The sadness in his tone broke my heart.

I squeezed his hand and nodded to let him know it was okay. I understood. I saw the pain in his eyes; he felt like grieving for his best friend would betray his feelings for me.

"I'll call you later." Jackson kissed me on the forehead the same way he did before I entered Josh's room. He left without looking back.

My parents arrived after Jackson left. Officer Thomas filled them in on Josh's death.

"So that's it. Case closed?" Dad asked.

"Yes, sir. I'm afraid it is. We can't charge a dead man."

"Oh, okay," I said.

"But Carrington, make no mistake, everyone knows what he did to you."

"I understand. It's fine," I said, more for Officer Thomas' sake.

“Okay, well if you need anything, please let me know.” He headed out the door.

My parents and my brother stood around my bed exchanging glances.

“What?”

“In light of what has happened, you know you still have some option legally. You are entitled to child support from his estate,” my brother said.

"I don’t want to get into this now. I told you I don't need anything from them."

"I know you did, but think about it. It's for little Jackson’s sake, and it's his right. Talk to an attorney. Make sure you know all your options,” Dad said.

Seeing I was getting upset, Mom showed everyone out the door and I sat there alone and tried to figure out how I was supposed to feel now that Josh was dead.

My brother joined me on my next visit with Jackson.

"He is so tiny," David said.

"I know, but I can see he’s gotten bigger."

"Yeah, that's good."

"Yeah." I rubbed his tummy and he cooed and started his little kick dance. "You think I should ask for support from Mr. Griffin."

"I don't know. It's a crazy situation."

"If I did, I would have to admit Josh is his father."

"Yeah, well, everyone knows that. It's not like it's a secret."

"And ten years from now, when Jack comes to me and asks me about his father, what do I say."

"You tell him the truth," David said.

I looked at my brother and wondered when did he start talking to me like I was a grown up. I wasn’t sure I liked it.

"I have a friend who we can call. Let’s just see what he says, okay?"

"Okay."

When I returned to my room, I sighed and shook my head. I was so ready for this day to be over. I had enough guests for one day, but Melinda and Jessica paid me a visit, no doubt wanting to hear the inside scoop firsthand on the hottest piece of gossip on campus.

They brought Jackson more FSU clothes and toys.

Thankfully they didn’t stay long. I wasn’t as forthcoming with the information as they wanted.

Before they left, Jessica asked, "Are you staying at FSU or are you going home?"

"I don't know. The doctor doesn't expect Jack to be strong enough to leave for another three or four weeks."

"Oh wow, you have to stay in the hospital until then."

"No." I hated the thought of leaving my son in here, but Dr. Autry was discharging me in three days.

"Do you want to stay?"

"I don't know,” I lied. Of course, I knew. I wanted to stay at FSU. I wanted to stay in school and continue my education. I wanted to go to law school. I wanted to prove to my son no matter who or what tried to beat you down, literally and figuratively; nothing should prevent you from achieving your goals.

I kind of surprised myself. Having a baby made me more ambitious and determined than I had ever been, but spending an hour with my roommates, I began to understand what I was giving up. I felt cheated out of my college experience, but I had no choice. It was time to grow up.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Carrington Olivia Butler

Another long day ended in the most unexpected way. I said goodnight to Jack, my dad joining me this time. They only allowed two people in the neonatal unit at a time.

He got a kick out of introducing himself to the nurses and to Jack as Grandpa.

We spent an hour with him. My mom and brother brought in dinner by the time we returned. The doctor encouraged me to walk, and I took the trek back to my room, which took forever. It wore me out, and I lay in bed drifting in and out of sleep. My parents ate and chatted about Jack's features and who he most resembled.

When my family left, I drifted off to sleep. When I woke this time, another visitor sat in a chair next to my bed.

"Hi Mr. Griffin."

"Hello."

His wrinkled suit didn't match the put together in control man I met before. The wrinkles by his eyes appeared deeper, and his pale skin tone made him appear twenty years older.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Not good," he said. "You?"

"I've been better."

He produced a chuckle from deep in his throat. It filled the room, which made it more awkward because neither of us, so far, had said anything approaching funny.

"I assume you heard about Josh." The disgust in his voice when he spoke his name hurt me and pissed me off. It made me want to defend Josh, and I hated myself for feeling protective of the man who tried to kill me.

"Yes. I heard. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Are you really?"

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry he's gone and realized more than ever how much help he needed. I'm sorry he felt he had no other choices."

"You think this is my fault?" he asked. Not in an adversarial way.

"I think it's all of our faults. You know, yours because, well, you're his father, and you raised him. My fault for not protecting myself, but mostly Josh's fault."

Mr. Griffin scanned the room.

"You know his mother killed herself."

"Yeah, he told me."

"Same way, except she crushed her Valium up in a vodka bottle."

He said it like it was a punch line.

Mr. Griffin sat in silence. We were beyond small talk. When he spoke again, his voice was stronger, more in control.

"Did Josh tell you what I said? What I told him to do? About the baby, I mean."

"No, but when he tried to beat my unborn child to death, he told me his father told him to fix the problem. I guess that's what he was doing. Fixing the problem."

I blinked my eyes, and my heart started racing.

"I'm not going to lie to you and I expect the same courtesy from you, are we clear?"

"Okay."

"I was not thrilled to find out my son was involved with you. It's nothing personal, but my family has a certain standard to uphold. I’m sure you come from a good family and have a good head on your shoulders. You got into FSU, so you can't be all bad."

The tension on my shoulders tightened with every insult.

"You're just not the type of girl I saw my son with. Josh knew that, and he ended his life instead of dealing with his responsibilities like a man." 

I blinked back tears.

"So," he stood up, "I guess we need to figure out this whole baby thing. If in fact, it is Josh's baby."

"He is Josh's son." 

"That remains to be seen," Mr. Griffin said.

"Why did you come here?" I asked.

"To see what the baby looked like. I'll agree to a paternity test and if, and only if, he turns out to be Josh's son, he will be entitled to my son's estate by law. I would remain the executor and let a judge decide how much child support the estate will provide and when you son turns eighteen, he will be entitled to the entire sum and be taken care of for life. There you have it. Win-win."

If it weren't for the twelve staples in my abdomen, I would have physically jumped out of bed and removed him from my room and my life. I wanted no part of this man's money. My first instincts, correct. No amount of financial security made signing my son's life away worth it. The Griffins had serious issues and the money wasn't worth it.

I wanted to tell him off. I wanted so bad to tell him what to do with his test and his name and most of all his money. No matter how I might struggle or how many sacrifices I needed to make, I would do it. If only for the satisfaction of being able to show Mr. Griffin that not only didn't I want his money, but I didn't need it either.

Instead of spouting off at the mouth, I tried another approach and said, "No thank you."

"What do you mean, no thank you?"

"No, thank you, to all of it, the paternity test, the child support, the estate, all of it. No thanks. We will be fine."

"You have any idea what you're giving up, for you, for him, and his future."

"I prefer to look at what I'm gaining, a lifetime without having to deal with your ignorant bullshit. Listen, I don’t want to get into a screaming match with you, so, I’ll just say again, no thank you and goodbye."

He stared at me. When he realized I wasn't backing down, he turned around and walked out the door. I hoped for good, but Mr. Griffin didn't appear to be the kind of man who gave up easily.

My well thought out decision was not popular among my family members or Jackson. My brother asked one of his law school classmates to look into it.

My mind was made up, but they insisted I speak to him. We talked on the phone, and he gathered all the relevant facts. He had to do some research and promised to drive up to give me a report in a few days.

My dad and brother stayed for a week but had to get back to work. My mom stayed. She watched over me and took care of me so I could concentrate on watching over Jackson and taking care of him.

The following week, Dr. Autrey kicked me out of the hospital. My bruises and cuts had all healed. The soft cast came off. Jack only weighed three and a half pounds by the time I was being discharged, and I had to leave him here.

The night before moving into the hotel with my mother, I packed up the stuff I had accumulated in my two and a half week stay in the hospital. I took my time packing. I wasn't ready to leave my little guy here all by himself.

In a drawer in the nightstand, I found a bag with TPD stamped across the side. I shook it and the contents jingled. I opened it and poured the items on the table.

My cell phone and my key card case, which held my student id, fell out. A smaller item bounced off the table and fell to the floor. It was the diamond spear Josh gave me. I was wearing it when he attacked me. I left it on the floor and looked at my phone.

I pressed the button on the top and was surprised it turned on. The phone flashed a few missed calls and several text messages.

My throat constricted and I had to sit down when I noticed one of the missed calls was from Josh. It also indicated he left a message.

My hand hovered over the delete button. I had no desire to hear his message, but morbid curiosity got the better of me. I assumed it was an apology and a plea for forgiveness. I didn't need to hear him say he was sorry.

I wanted an explanation, though. I pieced together most of what happened, but I needed to know why.

Maybe this was his way of giving me what I needed.

I pressed the button.

"Hi Carrington,
(sigh)
my sweet Carrington. I'm so sorry. I know the words don't mean anything, but I had to say it anyway. I'm not sure what else to say. I never meant to hurt you, but it was inevitable. I wish I never met you, that way you would still be the strong, sweet, beautiful and amazing girl I saw on campus last fall. I took that away from you and I'm so sorry."
His words started to slur, and it sounded like he was crying.
"I am so sorry. I love you so much and if you want, don't tell my son about me. He'll grow up better with the fantasy of me than the reality. I would have much rather have a fantasy fake father tha
n my real father. He will be fine." 
He rambled more, but his speech became inaudible. I was about to hang up, but then he spoke into the phone, again.

"Carrington, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'm sorry for not being the same for you. Bye!"
He didn't hang up right away. I sat and listened to his car engine turnoff. The radio played low, and I heard the beat, but not the melody. I heard Josh laugh and then the line when dead.

I took the phone and crawled back into bed. I thought about playing it again. I heard the pain and sadness in Josh's voice and hoped it was genuine. His mother left him a message before she killed himself, and he listened to it over and over again. It consumed him. He could recite it word for word and he never got over her death.

I deleted the message. I lay there looking around the room, and although the door and window were open, I needed to get out. I stuffed the phone in one of my bags and pushed myself off the bed and headed to the nursery to see Jack. I thought the sound of Josh’s voice would evoke some emotion, but I was numb. I needed to feel something. My lack of emotion at Josh's apology scared me.

I was so ready to move on.

#

I met with my brother's friend Mark at restaurant near the capitol the next week. Mark looked kind of bookish with thick glasses and clean cut, short brown hair. He wore khakis and a golf shirt, but I got the impression he was more comfortable in a suit. I imagined his casual attire meant to put me at ease more than anything.