Hope for Her (Hope #1) (26 page)

If Josh got some help and stayed sober, he might make a good father, but I didn’t think I could be around him and not be afraid for my life. And if I terminated his rights, what would I tell little Jackson. How do you tell your child that his father tried to kill him?

When Jackson was old enough, I would tell him the truth and help him deal with it, the same way I was dealing with it now.

I see a lot of therapy in our future.

I knew one thing for sure, I would never again allow someone to so easily control my life. Now, I had way too much to lose.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Joshua Elijah Griffin, IV

Cade texted me the address, and I pulled up ten minutes later. A few other cars were parked in the driveway. Music and bass echoed off the walls and spilled into the street. Not loud, but it thumped in my chest as I walked up to the house.

Before I knocked, the door opened.

"J.G., my friend, come on in." Cade was dressed in a starched white button-down and black slacks, his short blond hair stayed in perfect place, and I swore the guy never sweated.

A blond peeked over his shoulder and smiled at me. She wrapped herself around him like they were fused together.

I entered the house and inhaled the familiar smell of weed. I took a second deep breath, no turning back.

"James, Terrell, this is J.G. The guy I told you about," Cade said.

James, I recognized from campus, his shorter and stockier friend Terrell, I had never met before.

"Nice to meet you," Terrell said and handed me a joint. I took a long deep drag, pulling the smoke into my lungs. I held it and took another drag before passing it back to James.

I watched Cade exit the room, and I started to follow him, but James asked, "Dude, you know people are looking for you? It's all over campus."

"Yeah, I know, but don't worry, they won't ever find me alive." I smiled a stupid wide-eyed smile, and Jim laughed.

I turned to follow Cade and James whispered to Terrell, "Man, rich white boys are crazy."

I found Cade and the blonde making out on the couch in the next room. Cade came up for air long enough to tell me to help myself.

The selection of drugs created a weird buffet on the square glass coffee table. I recognized most and plotted my plan of attack. No need to rush, I had the rest of my life to take it all in.

I took a molly, first, my favorite high. I waited for it to take effect and continued my turn in sharing the joint being passed around the room.

I wandered around the house waiting for the X to take effect. I came back into the living room and found Cade and Blondie having sex on the couch, she sat on his lap facing him.

I stood behind the couch and watched her. She stared at me, and I walked over and kissed her. She kissed me back and started rubbing my hard on through my pants. I looked down at Cade; he liked this idea. He pushed the blonde off of him and got behind her. She kneeled on the couch and reached in my pants and pulled my dick out. I was rock hard, and she wasted no time. She savored it, but her gentleness infuriated me. I placed my hands on either side other face and pushed myself down her throat. I moved in and out, matching the rhythm Cade set on her other end.

After a while, I needed more contact. I wanted to feel more. Cade and I on the same page, he stopped slamming into her. I pulled myself out of her throat, and she whined like I took her favorite toy away.

I climbed over the couch and sat down in front of her. She crawled on top of me, and I pushed myself into her as she sat down on my lap. It felt so good being inside of her, and it made me think of Carrington, but I pushed the thought out of my mind. I watched her face as Cade pushed into her ass. She screamed and slammed down on me and tried to get away, but I held her legs and Cade pressed down on her back, she was stuck between us.

Tears formed in her eyes, but she didn't tell us to stop. I was not sure we would have even if she had.

Cade came after a few minutes and collapsed on the couch. I pushed the blonde off of my lap and got behind her. I pushed myself into her figuring I might as well see what all the hype was about.

You know, before I die.

I pushed her flat on the couch and pumped into her until I came. I stayed inside of her and proceeded to run my fingers over her skin, marveling at how smooth and soft her skin felt underneath me. I enjoyed the slickness from our combined fluids as I touched her between her legs. The sensation felt amazing on my fingers. Her body hummed and I felt it everywhere.

God, I loved X.

I started crying, overwhelmed by the feeling. It was a spiritual experience and a relief so close to the end.

I moved inside of Blondie again, but she pushed me away and marched out the room. Cade and I laughed, but tears ran down my face. Cade went after her. I found my clothes and went into the bathroom to clean up. It took me awhile, distracted by my own skin. I got fixated on a spot inside my elbow; I rubbed it back and forth until a noise outside distracted me.

I got dressed and went out to investigate the heated exchange involving Cade and Terrell.

"You come in here, take my drugs and fuck my girl," Terrell said.

"Dude, chill out. We were having fun and technically, she was fucking me."

I walked past the entry to the kitchen and went back to the living room, grabbed a half bottle of Jack sitting on the table and a handful of Valium and Oxy and headed for the front door. I wasn’t worried about Cade. The guy could talk himself out of any situation.

I got behind the wheel of my Porsche and sat for a minute.

The idea of apologizing to Carrington entered my head, again. I wanted the chance to say goodbye.

My mom said goodbye in a phone message. In some part of my brain, it made me feel better, although the thought never entered my head before. I forgot that I hated her for it.

I dialed Carrington's number. I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to answer or not. It went straight to voicemail.

I left a message.

I crushed up the handful of Oxy one by one and dropped the powder in the Jack bottle. I took the Valium and washed it down with a Jack and Oxy combo. I drove through town back to campus. At three am, I didn't see another soul.

I drank the last of the Jack as I turned down North Woodward and followed it around to the front of Griffin Library. I pulled the car over and turned off the engine.

The tears stopped; the X wore off, but the Oxy and Valium took effect quick. I tried hard not to close my eyes, wanting to stay awake as long as possible. Plus, when I closed my eyes, Carrington's bruised and broken body filled my mind. The hatred she expressed with her eyes was too much for me to deal with at this moment. I only needed to hold on for a few minutes more.

I thought of my son. Carrington would take care of him and make sure he had everything he needed.

I concentrated and thought of him—made him my final thought.

I closed my eyes and saw my son, healthy and strong. I took a deep breath and welcomed the sleep pulling me under.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Carrington Olivia Butler

After the police left, my parents left me alone. I needed some rest before my next trip down the hall to see Jackson, but it wouldn’t come. My mind started racing. Little Jackson came into the world just a little over forty-eight hours ago, but it seemed like a lifetime.

I doubted my instincts. How did I allow this to happen? Not just getting pregnant or what Josh did to me, but all of it. I hated that he made me question my own judgment. If I had common sense, I would have walked away from Josh a long time ago. I would have left after meeting his family and his brother-in-law. Leaving me on the side of the road in the middle of the night had also been a big assed red flag.

He needed control; I traced it back to our first meeting, sitting in class. How he made me feel uncomfortable and desired at the same time. The line he dropped, wanting to be my boyfriend which at the time seemed clever, now seemed kind of creepy.

I felt empty, manipulated, and stupid. I confused passion with obsession and control. All of it combined, in hindsight, made the ending pretty predictable.

What I wanted to know was what triggered his final breakdown?  It seemed inevitable that he would freak out, but something significant must have triggered it. Something happened when he went to see his father. My brain hurt from trying to figure it out, I welcomed the soft knock on my door. I wanted company if only to quiet my mind.

"Come in."

His strong hand curled around the door before pushing it opened. A smile spread across my face as I thanked God the nurse let me take a shower this morning and put on real pajamas instead of the ugly hospital gown.

The bruises on my face began to fade, and the swelling in my jaw went down. The bandage on the side of my head got smaller, too. Besides, Jackson had already seen me looking much worse.

"Hey," he whispered as he peeked around the door. He flexed his fingers on the frame, but a broad smile spread across his face.

"Hi," I said, trying hard to get the goofy grin off my face. I mimicked the goofy grin on Jackson's face. He wore an FSU t-shirt and black cargo shorts. He held something behind his back.

"God, you look great."

"Liar."

"No really, you look beautiful." He blushed and shook his head, his smile spread wider.

I tried not to laugh; it hurt too much.

He reached behind his back and pulled out a single garnet sunflower and handed it to me.

"Here, I brought this for you." With his other hand, he handed me a wrapped gift in a small square box.

"What is this?"

"Something for the baby." He looked around for a place to sit.

"Grab a seat," I said pointing to the end of the bed.

He sat down and shook the bed, and I winced a little.

"Oh geez, I'm sorry. You okay?" he said being careful not to move.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sore all over." His face dropped, and I changed the subject. "You didn't have to get us anything."

"That's what I went to my room to get when. . ." Jackson swallowed and turned his face away. His chin dropped to his chest, and he pulled on the collar of his t-shirt.

I unwrapped the small box. Inside laid the smallest little onesie FSU jersey with Jackson's number nine on the front and back.

"Oh my God, how cute," I said.

Jackson blinked back tears.

"Is he okay?" he asked.

"Uhm, yeah. He won't be able to wear this for a while, but he's eating and gaining weight like crazy." I reached out and touched Jackson's knee. "Now don't freak out, but I named him Jackson. If it weren't for you, we both wouldn't be here."

"Carrington—" He blinked them back fast, this time. "You can't ... If I didn't leave you alone ...This shouldn't have happened. Don't name him after me."

"Jackson-"

"No wait let me say this. I'm sorry I didn't warn you or keep an eye on you better. I should have done a better job protecting you. I knew this could happen, and I did nothing. You shouldn't thank me; you should hate me for not warning you, for not telling you what Josh was capable of. I wanted to believe he was getting better." Jackson wiped the tears from his eyes.

I let mine fall. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. I managed to squeeze his leg but didn’t have the words to express how much he did for me and how much it meant to me. Jackson saved me, but he didn't see it that way. He only saw what he couldn't prevent.

"I thought being with you would make him better. It did for me. Knowing you, made me better, and for the rest of my life, I'll regret not fighting for you."

I held my breath and scooted closer to Jackson. I exhaled when the pain subsided. The pain in his face matched the shock of pain in my abdomen, but Jackson slid over and wrapped his arms around my waist, careful not to hurt me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him as close as my staples allowed. He rubbed my back, and I rested my head on his chest.

"Jackson, you saved my life. You saved our life." I pulled him closer, ignoring the pain. "Yeah, it's the perfect name." 

Jackson and I took a trip down the hall to see Jackson David. His face lost all color the closer we got to the neonatal ICU.

“Relax.” I pulled on his arm.

He exhaled and went in. As soon as he saw little Jackson, he smiled. When little Jack responded to his touch with a quick kick, Jackson declared him the future of FSU football.

I loved how little Jackson could make everything okay. He had that effect on everyone.

We headed back down the hall smiling, but our faces dropped when we entered my room and saw Officer Thomas’ face.

"Hi Carrington, Jackson," he said.

"Hi,” I said. He and Jackson shook hands.

"I hope you don't mind, I waited for you. I didn't want to disturb your time with your son."

"Oh, no. That's fine." Jackson helped me climb back into bed. He straightened the blanket over me, taking his time to make sure I was comfortable. He was stalling.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

"Well, I'll leave you two to talk," Jackson said.

"Jackson, why don't you stay? This concerns you, too."

I studied the officer's face, and bad news was written all over it. "We found Josh."

"Where? Is he okay?" Jackson asked.

Josh isn't okay.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this. I know you two were friends, but Josh is dead."

I grabbed Jackson's arm, and he sat down on the edge of the bed. My heart hurt. I concentrated on calming down. A panic attack was not wise on top of everything else.

"What happened?" Jackson asked.

"We found him in his car early this morning in front of Griffin library. Preliminary reports state he overdosed on a mixture of Oxycodone, Valium, and alcohol."

"On purpose?" I asked.

"Yeah, we think so."