Hopelessly Imperfect (Imperfect #1) (21 page)

His lips tugged up in amusement. “I’ll keep that in mind,
girlfriend
.” He cupped my chin and kissed me for a moment. I beamed at him as he stepped back. “That means that I have every right over you.” He raised an eyebrow.

My heart flipped. “Are you turning out to be a possessive boyfriend?” I raised an eyebrow mockingly.

“
Definitely
.” My heart skipped a beat. His gray eyes darkened as his lips parted. He leaned closer and kissed me again. When he stood back, his eyes were intense as he breathed out. “Come on, you’ve got some math to do.”

Pouting, I walked to the nearest wooden table. Nate put the notebook on the table and took out a pencil as I looked around the park. I loved how different colors displayed on the trees. I studied the shades, trying to memorize them for a new drawing later.

“What are you doing?” He’d tilted his head and watched me with curious eyes.

Shyly, I smiled. “I’m trying to study different color tones.” I rolled my eyes playfully. “For a drawing.”

He bobbed his head while taking a seat next to me. “Would you show them to me?”

Averting my eyes, I looked to where a girl was playing with her puppy. “Maybe.” He stayed quiet but placed his hand over mine. His thumb started to draw circles on the back of my hand. “You should go, Nate.”

He sighed, somewhat annoyed. “Yeah.” Pecking me on the lips, he grinned as he stood up. “I’ll see you in a bit, all right?” I nodded.

Time passed while I worked on the equations he’d left me. I had to really concentrate on the fracking things. As Nate had said, I didn’t want to fail.

Then again, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. How he made me feel and how I couldn’t stop smiling whenever I was with him.

I thought about Mom too. How I would have liked her to know him. My heart sank. I missed her. So much. I still felt like a piece of me was missing. However, Nate made me feel better.
So much better.

Thinking about Mom made me think about his mother too. If he was in so much pain, I could only imagine how she was dealing with it all. I’d heard that losing a child is the worst thing a parent could go through. My stomach clenched as I thought about Dad. How he must have felt after I tried to kill myself.

If I had the chance to go back in time, I’d do anything to be a better daughter. A better person.

The hour went by fast. I was just putting away the notebook when Nate walked through the glass doors and gestured for me to join him.

With that grin that seemed etched on my face whenever I saw him, I complied. “It’s your turn,” he said in his deep voice. I gave him his notebook and climbed the stairs to Amanda’s office.

She was waiting for me at the entrance. Her brown hair was down and framing her face, and she had on a pink-washed t-shirt and jeans. Her hazel eyes sparkled excitedly as I greeted her. She gestured for me to take a seat.

“You and Nathan, huh?” She raised an eyebrow after she sat. I shrugged shyly. She grinned and shook her head. “How do you feel about that?”

“Great.”

She chuckled. “I bet you do!”

Taking out a few sheets of paper from my backpack, I handed them to her. “I finished the English essay.”

Nodding, she reached out her hand and took it. “Do you mind if I read it now?” she asked tentatively. I shrugged, feeling a bit self-conscious, but she was my therapist after all. Her lips curved up. “Great!”

While she read it, I stood up and looked through the large window. I could see Nate going through the notebook. Probably checking my answers.
He is such a geek!

“Cassie?” I turned to Amanda and took a seat on my blue couch. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself, honey.” She folded the papers and gave them back to me. “I think you should write a letter to your mother. You need to forgive yourself as well as her. It could help you. You don’t have to show it to anyone. You could even burn it after you’ve written it.”

I thought about it for a moment. That seemed so final. “I’m not sure I want to move on,” I murmured as I fidgeted with my hands.

Amanda sighed and looked toward the window. “You need to.”

My eyes snapped to hers. “Has my father moved on?”
He probably has.
As soon as that thought popped in my head, guilt washed over me.

Her lips formed a tight line. “What do you think?”

I bit my lip. Looking at my shoes, I murmured, “I think he’s trying to…”

“I think so too.” She stood up and sat next to me. I glanced at her. Her voice was soft as she added, “The thing is, Cassie, you need to love yourself in order to love someone else.”

I thought about Nathan. “I think I’m falling in love with him.” I scrunched my nose, embarrassed.

“I’m pretty sure you’re already in love with him, honey!” She chuckled. “But if you want things to work out, you need to forgive yourself.”

I sighed. “Nate has doubts, you know? Like he has this idea in his head that he’ll end up hurting me.”

“I know.” She didn’t elaborate, and I guessed it was because it wouldn’t be ethical or something like that. “But he’s working on it. Like you.” She looked at the clock. “Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay?” I nodded before she got up.

“I’m going to be away for the next two weeks, but I’ll be checking my email all the time. If you need anything, just let me know.”

“Okay.”

Her face softened. She beamed at me. “Have some fun, Cassie!”

My lips tugged up. “I’m drawing again,” I confessed shyly.

She took a seat on her couch and crossed her legs. “That’s awesome! That means you’re letting yourself enjoy something!” I stared at her. She was right. I’d stopped drawing because it felt wrong to do something I loved so much. But lately, I’d had the urge to pick up a pencil again.

I knew very well that the boy waiting for me outside had a lot to do with it.

We talked about Mom and Nathan. How I would have loved for them to meet, and that it always made me feel sad that they couldn’t. Amanda reminded me what she had said in one of our first sessions—that I was hurting because I loved my mother. We also gushed about Nathan. She laughed when I told her how giddy I felt around him.

The session finished, and I stepped out of her office thinking about what she’d told me. Writing a letter to Mom sounded daunting. In a way, I felt that it would be like saying good-bye to her. I wasn’t sure I wanted that. At least, not yet.

“How did I do?” I sat next to Nathan. The grimace on his face made me sulk. “That bad, huh?”

“Let’s just say you need to practice more.” He smiled reassuringly at me before pecking me lightly on the lips.

When we were walking back to the car, Nate cleared his throat. “Cassie, do you have plans for Saturday?” I shook my head. “Good.” He rolled on his toes as he placed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “Would you go out with me?”

My heart melted. “I thought we’d established the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing,” I murmured shyly.

“Yeah.” His gray eyes sparkled excitedly. “But I hadn’t asked you out—” he glanced briefly to the right side, “—
officially
.”

My lips curved up. “I’d love to.” The butterflies in my stomach fluttered around like crazy.

“Awesome.” That boyish smile appeared, and my heart soared for him. I was grinning when he grabbed my hand.

We rode home in silence, but it was a comfortable silence, and we held hands the whole ride. I loved the fact we didn’t need to force a conversation. And just holding hands was sweet and reassuring.

When we reached home, Dad’s car was in the garage. I didn’t want to let Nate go, though. Biting my lip, I glanced at him. “Do you want to hang out or something?”

He gazed at my Dad’s car before smiling at me. “Sure.” He hopped out of the car, and I followed his every move with my eyes as he walked around it to open my door. I slid off the seat at the same time Nate took a step closer. My eyes roamed all over his face, and my lips parted. He was breathtaking. Especially when his eyes were boring into mine like that. My heart was thumping loudly inside my rib cage as he leaned closer to kiss me.

It was such a magical moment.

I could totally loose myself in his arms. He made me feel warm, safe, and so cherished. I’d never felt like that with anyone.

What have I done to deserve someone like him?

As we pulled back, he smiled that lopsided smile of his and grabbed my hand. Tingly and still lost in him, I walked beside him until we reached the door. Before I took out my keys, Dad opened it.

“Hey, you guys!” He gazed at us warmly. “Are you staying for dinner, Nathan?” They shook hands as Dad let us walk past him.

“If you don’t mind, sir.”

Dad smiled. “I was going to order pizza, anyway.” Marie peeked out from the living room couch with a shy smile on her face. She stood up and marched to us. She was looking casual in black pants and an olive shirt. When she reached us, she kissed me on the cheek. I smiled at her. “This is my girlfriend, Marie.” Dad introduced her to Nathan. Her eyes were glinting excitedly as he added, “Nathan is Cassie’s boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, ma’am.” Nate reached out his hand, but she shook her head and kissed him on the cheek as well.

To be honest, it was an awkward moment for me. My stomach still clenched at the word
girlfriend
. Nate must have noticed because he placed his hand on my back. That sole gesture made me feel better. I glanced at him as his lips tugged up.

“Does pepperoni sound good to you?” Dad asked while holding the phone. We both nodded.

“I’ll help you set the table!” Marie chirped in before disappearing back into the kitchen.

I glanced at Nathan. “Should we put on some music?” I asked, not really knowing what to do. But to be honest, I kind of wanted to go to my room. I so wanted to kiss him again.

Hand in hand, we walked to my Mom’s CD collection. We had half a wall bursting with CDs ranging from The Beatles to Coldplay. He studied it with avid eyes, like a kid inside a candy store.

My heart tightened as a flash of Mom’s smiling face played in my head. She loved music. She played it all the time. I don’t think the stereo had been used after she passed away. Dad didn’t listen to a lot of music, and I usually heard it on my phone.

“It’s so hard to pick anything,” Nate said as his fingers roamed through the third row of a shelf.

“Mom loved music,” I murmured softly. “This was her CD collection.”

Nate’s gray eyes cut to me. His tone was soft as he said, “She had good taste.”

I pressed my lips together as my heart ached. My eyes brimmed with tears as I wished for her to be there, teasing me and playing her music. I swallowed hard. That had been ages ago.

“Hey.” Nate’s arms encased me for a moment. I closed my eyes as I leaned on him.

“I’m sorry.” I pulled away sniffing.

“Don’t.” He cupped my cheek. His thumb rubbed the corner of my lips. “I’m here for you, okay?”

My heart warmed as I stared into those mesmerizing eyes. I nodded, breathing out, “I know.”

His lips curved up before taking out a CD. “How do we feel about jazz covers?” he asked, raising it.

“Michael Bublé? You like it?”

He shrugged. “The guy is good.” Then he walked to the stereo and inserted the CD. Music filled the room. Just like when Mom was alive. A shaky breath left my lips.
Life has to move on, doesn’t it?

We listened to her music, and a small part of me felt connected to her in some way. It felt as if I did some of the things she liked to do, I could have her near me.

Nate wrapped his arms around me one more time after we sat on the couch. “What are you thinking, Cassie?”

“I just miss her,” I whispered sadly as I cuddled into him.

He sighed. “I know, baby, I know.”

We stayed like that for the rest of the song. I thought about Nate’s mother again. “Nate?” I pulled away to look at him. “I’d like to meet your mom one day.”
He tensed, and his lips pressed into a tight line. Biting my lip, I grimaced. “
Someday
,” I emphasized shyly.

“We don’t really get along.” He averted his eyes. I wondered what kind of life Nate had at home. As if he sensed my question, he shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “My father travels all the time.” He rolled his eyes, annoyed. “And my mother—” his voice was barely a whisper, “—she’s either away or asleep.”

My heart felt heavy.
He’s so lonely.
I swallowed hard. “You know, I would give anything to be able to talk to my mother again.” His eyes clouded over with pain as he clenched his jaw. “It works both ways, you know? I’m here for you, Nate.” He glanced at me, and my frown creased as I added, “And I’m sorry to intrude. It’s just that I wish someone would have told me that.” I shrugged. “It’s useless now.” He stayed quiet as I cuddled with him again. His grip tightened as we waited for the pizza to arrive.

Eventually, Dad and Marie came to the living room. Marie was extremely nice to Nathan. She kept asking him questions about what he liked to do and what kind of music he listened to. I had to give it to her, she lightened the mood.