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“Hey it’s good to hear from you,” he said quietly. He was at home with his fa
mily but he went outside for
some privacy. “I heard about what happened, man. I’m
so
sorry.”

“I’m sorry to call you like this, but I just need to know if you’ve heard anyth
ing. What’s going on with Dean? O
r Olevsky
?
I
’ve expected someone to call me.
”

“Dean’s out of town,” he said. “The same day you left town, he le
ft too. I
doubt
he’s still in
the country, but I’m really not sure.”

“
Well, i
s there anything you can tell me? Please, Kenny, I just… I need to know what’s going on in the organization. I need to know what my future is going to be.”

He paused for several seconds. I knew what I was asking was risky, but I couldn’t think of any other way to go about it. I couldn’t go back and find out for myself. Not with Jayden willing to forgive m
e and take me back. I prayed
that she would still
feel the same way when the all-
clear
was given—if that day ever came—but at the same time, I still subjected myself to living a life without her. After everything I put her through, I didn’t deserve her one bit.

Finally Kenny said, “Look, Ty. I know how you feel. I really do. You’re desperate and you don’t know what else to do. You can’t call anyone
else
because that’s just the way it goes, and waiting for someone else to decide your fate is a real kille
r. I completely understand. But I can’t do this, man,
”
he
sighed. “I wish I could help you out. Honestly. But
I got
a
family, kid. This biz doesn’t allow for snitches. You understand what I’m saying?”

My hopes deflated but I replied, “Yeah, I understand.”

He paused again. “Look… All I can say is that
‘
L
evsky
has me watching to see if you screw
up. Do you get my drift? I got orders, Ty.
If you two come near each other
… It’s not gonna be
good
.
You know he’s got eyes everywhere.
Please let me report what he wants to hear, Ty. Okay? I’m so sorry, man. Really, I am.”

It was just as I expected.

“Dean
is workin
g on some heavy stuff right now,” he continued.
“
Kristof’s
in Russia
,
and whatever’s going
on over there is pretty intense
. I’m not even sure where Dean is, but he’s supposed to b
e making it
possible for someone very important to the boss
to get over here, one way or another. I’m taking Dean’s place right now, making sure everything’s going smoothly on this end, and just doing any little thing I’ve been instructed to do.” He was quiet for a moment. “Well, there. I told you more than I
should have. But Ty,
I haven’t heard anything about your situation. I just know it happened and Dean was pretty
happy
about it.
He really wants you to stay away from her, particularly because of her dad
. I’m sorry, but I feel like it’s a good idea, too
.
You don’t want anything to happen to the people you care about, Ty. Trust me, it’s better to not have anything to lose, you know?
I don’t have anything else to tell you
, kid
. Besides, like
I said,
I can’t be your snitch
. I just…can’t risk it.”

I nodded my head. “Yeah, I hear you. I don’t
expect you to
.” I thought for a few seconds, not knowing if I should continue on with what I wanted to ask, but I was impulsive and did it anyway. “Hey, Kenny… Could you do me a favor?”

“Yeah, Ty, I’ll keep an eye on your girl.
She’s
gonna
be just fine.
”

I exhaled. “Thanks.”

I didn’t know what I expected him to do, but just hearing him agree gave me piece of mind. I hung up, not exactly feeling better, but willing to take my father’s advice and just give it a little more time. It had been nine days—nine agonizing, extremely
painful
days—but if I could suffer through
it
a little longer, maybe there would be some sort of silver lining.

I
’d
changed
my phone
number
the day I left town. I didn’t want
to risk having Jayden call me. I even bought an entirely new phone, just to avoid any kind of tampering like my old phone had probably gone through.
If Dean wanted to get a hold of me he
always found a way
, but I couldn’t risk talking to anyone that I knew.
I felt so disconnected from everything that had once been my life.
My father also kept his number and information unlisted, but I was afraid that Jayden could somehow track me down if she wanted to. What if she got her dad involved? What if she
ended up finding me,
and someone in the organization found out?

Every little possibility freaked me out, but the sick truth was that I almost felt better knowing I’d left her the way I did. It was for her own good, and I didn’t want to do it, but I hoped the brutality of
what happened
would keep her away.

Monday found me in my father’s place of employment. I was really apprehensive about getting back to work. For one, I felt guilty about leaving Lou without even a warning. My father had taken care of it for me, and all I knew was that he told Lou I was taking care of some urgent family business
, and my return was unknown
.
I knew that was going to get back to Jayden
somehow
, and I wasn’t sure what she was going think of it.

The other reason I was so tentative about starting a new job was because it almost seemed like my old life was over. I was afraid of allowing something else to take the place of what existed before. All I
wanted was my life with Jayden and my old job with Lou. I had the most disturbing feeling that things were never going to be the same again,
and
it was harder than hell to move on in order to pass the time.

Jayden’s birthday was on the eighteenth
,
and I had a terrible time knowing I couldn’t be with her.
I wasn’t sure how she was feeling about our situation—I hoped that she hated me because it was what I deserved—but I wanted for her to go on with things as usual. No doubt she’d be canceling
the
wedding, and as much as that tore me up inside, I decided it was best that
we didn’t get married
. Kenny’s family was threatened on a daily basis
,
and I knew I couldn’t handle having that happen to Jayden. Yes, no matter how screwed over my life was, I wanted what was best for
her
, and having me out of the picture was the best thing that could happen
for her
. I was angry with myself for havi
ng such ridiculous hopes; wanting a normal, happy life was the stupidest mistake I could have made. I’d put Jayden’s life in danger
,
and
the lives of
her friends and family.

I felt that I de
serve
d
this
misery.
I felt
the
punishment
was justly warranted.

The weekend came again, and my father made a trip south to take care of some loose ends for me. He closed up the rental agreement on my hou
se and collected the last few
things of mine that I hadn’t taken with me. My father
really had come through for me
, and I was
deeply
surprised at how important he had become
in my life
. He’d had his moments over the years, but the good times never lasted. These days he was completely clean and sober, he kept the house neat and tidy, and he actually kept me fed pretty well. If it hadn’t been for my father, I probably would have starved by now.

One night, after working another eleven-hour day, we were both sitting in the kitchen eating a very late dinner. For whatever reason, I found myself opening up to him about things I had, for the most part, kept pretty private. I shared with him all my feelings about Jayden, which was nothing new, but I also revealed how I felt about falling in love with her, and what a big mistake I believed it to be.

“Jayden saved my life,” he told me
. “She wasn’t just the best thing that happened to you son, but she was the
best thing that happened to me
,
as well.
I saw how she made you feel; the happiness and optimism she inspired in you. I lived in a very dark, very
vile
place. After…
nineteen
years? –I finally saw what I had become. Just the idea of losing you for good… It really was a wakeup call. It took me
almost
twenty years to see what a pitiful piece of
crap
I had become.

“
But Jayden sparked a railway change in both of us. I know we’ve
spoken about this
before, but I just want to say it again. It’s a miracle you d
idn’t turn out like me, Ty
, a
n absolute miracle. And you did that on your own, son. I had nothing to do with the
man
you’ve become. Jayden was kind of like…
your
reward, I guess
, for being such a good person
. The two of you were beautiful together, and I could see that she was going to bring you years and years of happiness.
She inspired in me the
desire
to be a part of your life,
maybe to someday share a part of your happiness. I
knew I didn’t deserve it, but
I wanted to at least try.
She truly is a blessing to our family.
”

I wasn’t able to respond after that. It was almost too painful for me to hear, so I only nodded my head. I felt much
of
the same, and I had come to realize that Jayden had saved me as well. It was a difficult line to draw, but, even with all the misery that had come from it, my time with
her
had been a blessing in so many ways. I tried to focus on all the good tha
t had come from being with her, a
nd now… I truly did have a father again.

Dean finally called me
again
the next week, but the news was still the same and my situation wasn’t going to change any time soon. He basically just told me to stay the hell out of town,
threatened me extensively,
and then hung up.
I had never had much of a temper, but I was so pissed I punched a hole in the wall.

I spent half of the next day repairing it.

The holidays came and went. It was miserable, but I reminded myself that it was much like how my life was
before
Jayden. My life with her was like a dream, a dream I didn’t deserve, and now things were
only
back to normal again.

I refrained from calling Kenny again. I didn’t want him to get caught talking to me on the sly. But he ended up calling me a few days after New Year’s.

“I don’t have anything new for you,” he said
right off the bat. “
I just wanted to let you know that everything seems okay with your girl and her dad.”

“What do you mean her dad?”

“Oh. Well, there was some talk for a while about Joe Adams… I’m
not sure what’s going on
but Dean’s pretty fed up with all the surveillance the cops
have all over the place, and pokin’ around too much. Dean thought maybe Jayden squealed a little, or tipped her dad off or somethin’. There wasn’t any proof of it. I had to do a lot of convincing to get him to shut up about it. He was spoutin’ off about teaching someone a lesson.
”

“So he was going to take Joe Adams out of the picture?” I scoffed. “What good would that do? There are dozens more to take his place.”

“It’s more of a personal vengeance,” he reminded me. “That dirty cop
Dean’s
got in there,
Roy
Merrick
, he’s a real piece of work. He’s getting a little demanding with his requests. He’s got a thing against Adams and wants Dean to take care of it. But the boss got wind of it and shut it down.”

I let the information sink in for a moment. “So
Merrick
could have been the bug in Conlon’s ear, huh? Is he the reason I had to leave town?”