Hotbox (71 page)

I finally forced myself to do it, and I had to think of all the reasons why I needed to keep her safe. I focused my loathing on Dean and all the misery he had caused me. That anger alone was enough to keep me from breaking down right in front of her.

When my eyes met hers she flinched, but as more tears poured down her face she said, “Now tell me you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

As calmly as I could I replied, “I
can’t
be with you.”

I might as well have slapped her in the face because she looked just as stunned. Her chin quivered and more tears came down her face. But instead of leaving
,
she sa
nk to the floor, dropped her head into my lap, and bawled.

It just couldn’t get any worse for me.
I needed to tell her the truth. I couldn’t handle it anymore—

“Ty,” the voice at
the hall returned.

With that Jayden
jumped up from the floor with
fury, and I heard the girl scream as Jayden came after her. There were voices and yelling but I couldn’t even understand what was being said until both of them came back down the hall. Jayden had a hand full of the girl’s hair as she was practically dragging her toward the front door.

“Ow! Let go of me, you bitch!” the girl screamed.

Jayden opened the front door and literally threw her onto the grass in her underwear. “You come near him again
and I’ll kill you myself!
” she told her. She stormed back to the bedroom and
returned
with a few items of clothing,
tossed
them out with the girl, and sla
mmed
the door shut behind her.

I had never seen her so angry, so upset.
I was still sitting on the couch and I had absolutely no idea what to do or say. She was standing there by the front door, watching me while she took several steady breaths. I couldn’t look at her anymore and I had to look away. Lit or not, this was too much for me to take. I would much rather have remained unconscious under the influence of whatever it was I had been given.

“Why can’t you look at me?” she finally asked, coming further into the room.
She was still angry, and I was sure the adrenaline was still in effect.

“Because I don’t want to.
I j
ust
want you to
leave.
”

She paused for a moment. “Who is she?”

I wasn’t actually sure what to say. I didn’t know if I should make something up or just admit that I didn’t know who she was.

“Hmm,” she slowly nodded. “If you had admitted to me earlier that you were cheating on me, I would have laughed in your face. I see it with my own eyes, and I still don’t even believe it.” She shook her head. “What the hell is going on?”

“Jayden, you just need to leave.”

“No, I won’t!
Not until something makes sense to me!”

“Then you’re going to be standing there for a long time!
It is what it is, so just accept it and get out of
my house
!
”

I could deal with the anger. If she just kept yelling at me, I wouldn’t have to die all over again watching her cry.
Why did it have to come to this? Why wasn’t I able to just tell her th
at we couldn’t be together for now
,
like I planned? Maybe it could still happen that way. Maybe I could convince her that this really
wasn’t
what it seemed, and then
I’d tell her
the things that I wanted her to know. The major problem with that was a
ll the questions she would have. But what if I could convince her to just trust me and not ask questions. Trust me? Was I kidding myself? Why in the world would she trust me after all of the secrets I’d kept from her?

“I’m going to give you some time,” she said softly. She
sat
back down on the arm of the couch. “I really shouldn’t be trying to talk to you when you’re…like this.” She exhaled a shaky breath. “I love you, Ty. I’m…very, very upset with you right now, but I love you. And I don’t know what’s going on…why you’re acting like this…or what I did wrong… But I’m going to give it some time.” She sat on the couch next to me again and tilted her head to see my face better, even
though
I wouldn’t look at her. “Do you understand how much I love you, Ty?
How much I need you?”

I had to get her out of
my house
before I broke down and told her everything. She was willing to support me, even if she didn’t know what was going on. I had no doubt she would forgive me if the situation changed, and I could try to get her back, but for now I knew it needed to be this way so nothing else happened. Her life had already been in danger; I couldn’t risk it again. If she
were
willing to give me time, then that’s all I could ask for. Maybe I could figure out how to end this and
get these people out of my life.

“Jayden, I want you to leave, ok
ay? Just…go home
.”

I rubbed my face again.
I didn’t know what was in my body, but I felt like I was trying to fight through sedation any time I tried to think or speak.

I could still feel her staring at me.
She wasn’t giving up
,
and I wondered how far she was going to go with this
. I forced myself to stand up, trying very hard to be strong about it and not collapse back onto the couch. There was no way I could risk her calling someone for help, and one glanc
e out the window intensified my fear
. I saw Dean’
s car parked across the street
, and then it all made sense to me
.
There was no doubt in my mind that Dean was
waiting
to end this if I could not.
He was
dying
to make
sure it happened like he wanted, a
nd I also had no doubt that he was listening to every word being said.
He’d been one step ahead of me all along.
And at Jayden’s house…
That’s
why he knew I was about to open up to her. He knew because he’d been listening…

“Ty,” Jayden’s voice
said, breaking my gaze.

I shif
ted my eyes to look at her but
quickly looked away.
I just couldn’t bear it. With effort
,
I made my leg take a step away from the couch. I seemed to manage okay, so I made the other leg do the same until I was walking toward the hall.

“Where are you going?” she asked quietly.

“I’m going to bed.”

“Do you need some help?”

She was at my side before I could object, and she actually stepped in front of me so I couldn’t look away.

“Could you just leave me alone?”

“No. I want you to be okay.”

“I’m fine. In fact, I’ll be much better when you leave.”

“Why are you so determined that I leave?”

“Because
I don’t want you here. I just…
I’
ve tried to end this
before. But this is it, Jayden. We
’re done. I want you to go home
and just…stay away from me.”

“I don’t believe you. This is
n’t you, Ty.
Whatever this is… I honestly don’t understand it, but I just need to give you some time, I guess.
I’ll come back when you’re…when you’re more coherent.”

“I don’t want you to come back.” I used my arm to gently push her aside so I could get by her. “Just get out of my life. I can’t keep living the life you want me to live. I’m not the guy you want me to be.”
I began to make my way down the hall.

“Is that just an excuse?
” she called from behind me.
“
–Because you messed up? Or…whatever this is. I know you’re not like that
,
Ty. Just tell me what
the hell is
going on!”

I turned around, forcing myself to build up the anger that I felt for Dean, and everyone else that was to blame for all of this. Not Jayden. I wasn’t angry with Jayden. I
loved her more than anything. B
ut I had to protect her from all of the people that were destroying
my
life. I didn’t want that to happen to her, too.
I had also come to the conclusion that I really was no good for her. How could I be? I had put her in harm’s way just by associating with her. How did I ever believe my l
ife could include her in it? We’d been
doomed from the
very
start.

“Well you just picked the wrong guy to make over. I’m tired of living your standards. I’m sick of being your project. I’m still the poor, abused kid with the dysfunctional family. You can’t change me, Jayden.
I’m still the same guy that everyone tried to keep you away from. You should have just listened to them.
”

“That’s a bunch of crap!”

“Whatever.
It’s over
.
I don’t want to marry you, and I don’t want to have
a family
with you.
Just leave and count your blessings.” I continued down the hall to my room, thankful that I could hide behind a locked door and not have to face her anymore.
After delivering those last words, I wanted to break down and cry.

But she stopped the door from closing with her
shoe
.

“Damn it, Jayden! Leave me the hell alone! Get out of my house!”

I was beginning to pani
c, with Dean outside
waiting for
her
to storm
out the door from our breakup. H
e had totally underestimated her resolve.
I
didn’t, which is why I wanted to take the coward’s way out, leave town, and write the stupid letter. I felt so unequipped to battle her compassion and concern right now.

She was still standing there with her foot blocking the door. Her face was so completely
devastated;
maybe she was wearing down and would
actually
leave
.
But as she studied me
, something seemed to change.
Before I could make sense of it, she reached for my face and softly rubbed her thumb over my skin.

“I’m go
ing to come back in the morning,
”
she barely managed to say.
She still
stood
in the doorway for a moment
, and then she leaned forward until her lips were close to my ear
. “Ty, I love you
,” she whispered
.
“
And I know you love me, too. Whatever’s going on…you c
an talk to me. I’ll understand
, I swear. Just…don’t shut me out.”

She pressed her lips against my cheek and allowed the contact to linger for a few seconds. I wanted to pull her close and never let go, but she slowly took a step back.
For the brief second I looked at her, I saw tears flowing down her cheeks again. Finally she turned around and left.

I’m not even sure how long I remained standing there, numb, but at the same time feeling every pain I could possibly feel. Eventually I ended up on the bed, completely used up, and dying on the inside.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

It wasn’t even light out when I decided to take action the next morning. I had been thinking about Jayden all night, in between being in and out of a dreary,
nearly
unconscious crash. When I felt strong enough, I stood in the shower for a long time, the water too cold for any normal person to be comfortable with. My lips were blue and matched my fingertips, but I got dressed and
climbed
into my truck at four a.m. It didn’t matter what I did that day, but I had to
at least
make sure Jayden got home okay
. The drive seemed long, and I tortured
myself with images of her face;
upset, yet willing to be there for me no matter what. I truly felt l
ike I didn’t deserve her love. P
utting her through the things that I had seemed so
unjust.

I didn’t even drive down her street past her house. From the end of the road I could see her car, and I turned around from there. The trip back to my house seemed quicker than the trip to hers, and as soon as I got home I
packed a bag
. I couldn’t risk being
at the house
if she sto
pped by before work. I ended up grabbing
as much as I could because I wasn’t sure if I would be back. Without any order whatsoever, I packed what I could, loaded it all in my truck, and headed north to my father’s house.