House Divided (13 page)

It was already dark outside. I aimlessly
stared at the bright lights surrounding us on the highway. It looked like he
was heading back toward the Summit. In my attempt to ignore him and figure out
my emotions silently, I felt my hand being gently held. I didn’t turn.

“Ellie, I’m sorry for coming on so strong.
I just never thought I would get another chance with you. Will you please just
talk to me? You used to be able to tell me anything, and I know you have
something going on in that pretty head of yours.”

I still didn’t respond. I really didn’t
know what to say. That’s not true, I knew what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t
sure I should say it. What good was it going to do to bring up the pain and
betrayal I’d felt all these years? We still couldn’t be together. Jacksons and
Eatons were never meant to be. The look on his parents’ faces yesterday
reinforced that.

“Heck, girl, you used to even tell me
about your periods.”

Ok that worked. I turned toward him, and
though he was paying attention to the road, I could see the stupid grin on his
face.

“So, you want to talk about my menstrual
cycle?”

He quickly glanced my way and raised his
eyebrow at me. “Sure, if you really want to.” He squeezed my hand. “Ellie, I
just want you to talk to me and tell me what’s wrong and what I can do to fix
it.”

“What if you can’t fix it?” My voice
cracked when I replied. I turned back toward the window and wiped away the
tears that came.

He didn’t reply, but he kept hold of my
hand. I could feel his thumb lightly caressing the back of it. I was glad he
didn’t respond. I needed to get a hold of my emotions, but I felt guilty too. I
knew Brady was a great guy, probably even the best, but sometimes the past just
can’t be undone or forgotten, and because of our birthrights, any future for us
seemed very unrealistic. I hated the silence with our emotions hanging so heavily
in the air.

I decided to a least lighten the moment as
we were stopped at a stop light. “Just for your information, if you see me
around the middle of the month, I suggest copious amounts of dark chocolate and
compliments.”

I looked over to him, and he smiled that
smile I loved so much. He picked up my hand and kissed it. He winked at me too.
“I think I can handle that.”

I was grateful to get to the Summit.
I didn’t want to be in the truck with Brady by myself anymore. As soon as he
parked, I reached for my door. He gently tugged on my hand. “At least let me be
a gentleman.”

Why did I have to have the one
ex-boyfriend that was practically perfect? I waited for him to walk around. He
opened my door and held his hand out for me to take. I hesitated reaching for
it. He looked both sad and frustrated. I felt bad about that, but I didn’t know
what else to do. Believe me, I wanted to jump into his arms. Heck, I would love
to pull him back in his truck and kiss him until I could no longer remember all
the reasons we couldn’t and shouldn’t be together.

“Come on, Ellie, no strings attached.”

I reached for his hand, and he helped me
out and kept a hold of it. My hand that I knew was meant for his hand.

“Shopping or food first?” he asked.

“Definitely food.”

“I always loved that you were never one of
those girls who was afraid to eat.”

“Good, because I plan on eating dessert
too.”

He tapped my nose and smiled. It was so
easy to be myself with him. I didn’t tell him, but he was the only guy I’d ever
been able to eat normally around. I don’t know why, maybe because he had always
made me feel so good about myself. He really had been my best friend, in every
sense of the word. I think that’s what hurt the most when he broke up with me
and pretended like I didn’t exist.

We decided on the Cheesecake Factory. It
was pretty crowded, so we had to wait. At least we were with other people and
Brady couldn’t harass me about why I just wasn’t willing to jump back in his
arms like nothing had ever happened. I did let him continue to hold my hand. He
said no strings attached, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean it. As we sat
there waiting, he was recognized by two businessmen who were huge Alabama fans. Of course, they wanted to replay Brady’s accident with him. He seemed to take
it in stride. I was still surprised it wasn’t that upsetting to him. Maybe it
was when it first happened, but even Kendra said he was more relieved than
anything. It didn’t make sense to me.

Brady introduced me to his new-found
friends.

“So I suppose you went to Alabama too?”
the gentleman closest to us asked.

“No. I’m an Auburn graduate,” I said
proudly. Of course I had to throw in a “War Eagle.”

“All three men in unison said, “Roll
Tide.”

I think they were surprised Brady was with
an Auburn girl, but unfortunately, the gentleman furthest from us, who was a
definite good ole’ boy had a theory. “I guess since Miss Alabama burned you,
you decided to give an Auburn woman a go,” he said it tongue and cheek of
course, but it was no laughing matter to me.

When the guy started talking about Amber,
I automatically released my fingers from Brady’s. He, on the other hand,
gripped tighter and looked my way worriedly. My saving grace came in the form
of my phone ringing. Normally I wouldn’t be so rude as to pick it up, but I was
worried it was the hospital. Thankfully, it was my agent, Olivia. I decided to
answer.

I turned towards the men. “Excuse me,
gentlemen, it’s my agent. I need to take this.”

Brady released me as I stood up and walked
away. I went and stood across the waiting area in a little cove. I could still
see Brady and he frequently glanced my way. I could tell he and his new friends
were discussing me. I tried not to let it bother me, so I turned my back to
them. They probably were commiserating that he didn’t get his Alabama beauty
queen.

“Olivia, your timing is impeccable. Thank
you!”

“Is everything ok? Please tell me
everything is ok, you’re my biggest client and I just put down a huge down payment
on a new home,” she teased.

“Everything is fine, relax. I’m just out
with my ex-boyfriend who thinks we should get back together.”

“Are we talking about ‘The’ ex-boyfriend?”

“The one and only.”

“So are you going to?”

“Absolutely not.”
At least I was pretty
sure I wasn’t going to.

“I thought you still loved him. Isn’t that
the excuse you always give me when I set you up with the most gorgeous men on
the planet and you only go out with them a couple of times and then never
return their phone calls?”

I chose to ignore her little comment. “How
are sales coming?”

She started to laugh. “You’re using your
divert and delay tactic. My dear Elle, you must still have it pretty bad for
him.”

She had no idea.

“By the way, sales are way up.  The
publisher is already begging for your new book, so hurry up and come home.”

That was music to my ears.

“Olivia, I promised my aunt I would be
here through New Year’s. And after today’s little scare, I need to be here with
her until she’s back on her feet.”

“Are you sure it’s just her?”

“Yes.”
I’ll keep telling myself that
lie until I believe it
. “The sooner I can return to Atlanta, the better,
but …”

“I would have to disagree with that,” was
whispered in my ear. I almost dropped my phone.

“Brady!” I turned around and right into
Brady’s arms. “Olivia, I’ll call you later.”

I could hear her laughing in the
background before I hung up.

Brady had an impassioned look on his face.
I couldn’t help but just stare into his eyes. I could no longer see the boy
Brady in them. All I could see in them was a man, and a deep longing. I knew
what, or should I say who, he longed for.

Yeah, well, I knew all about longing too.
“Um, Brady, should we sit down again?”

He continued to stare at me. My body heat
rose several degrees, and I held my breath. The restaurant pager went off in
Brady’s suit coat pocket. Thank goodness. He released me, except for my hand.
It was like he had to touch me to remind himself that I truly existed. It would
have been sweet if it wasn’t wreaking havoc on my emotions.

Brady’s new found friends yelled out,
“Roll Tide!” one more time as we walked by. I shook my head and Brady returned
the sentiment.
Only in Alabama
, I thought.

“Is everything ok with your agent?” he
asked once we were seated.

“Actually, it’s better than ok. My new
book is doing fabulous and my publisher wants another.”

“Congratulations, Ellie.” He didn’t sound
very enthusiastic about it.

I was starving, so I didn’t ask what was
up with the lack of enthusiasm. As I perused the menu, Brady told me his new
friends asked if I was an actress. They assumed because of my agent comment.

I laughed. “Is that why you were all
staring my way?”

“No, Ellie.”

I looked up from my menu.

He reached across the table and tugged on
my hair. “No, we were staring at you because you made us all wish that we had
gone to Auburn.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know your blood
bleeds crimson, Brady Jackson. And if I remember correctly, you wanted nothing
to do with me when we were in college.”
Why did I say that? Why couldn’t I
just let well enough alone?
I knew rehashing the past wasn’t a good idea.
This whole arrangement wasn’t a good idea.

Brady’s face reddened. “Is that what you
really think?”

“That’s what I know.” I went back to
looking at my menu. This conversation was going to make me lose my appetite,
which was saying a lot since I hadn’t eaten since early this morning.

“Ellie, we really need to talk,” I heard
him say as I was trying to ignore him.

I kept my head down and focused on the
menu. “What good would it do?”

He reached across the table and tipped my
chin up. I lifted my head to find him looking at me more seriously than I had
ever seen him. “I think you may find you don’t know as much as you think you
do.”

If we weren’t in a public place, I think I
probably would have let him have it. I wanted to say, “You’re right, I don’t
know why you didn’t keep your promises to me after everything we had to go
through just to be together. And I don’t know why you chose Amber over me and
why, after all these years, I still love you and it still hurts.” But instead I
just said, “I’m sure you’re right.”

His face faltered again. I knew my
responses were bothering him, but what did he expect after all these years? I
really think he expected me to fall right back into his arms and for us to pick
back up where we left off ten years ago, but too much had happened. I’m sure he
thought I would be easy to persuade, but I wasn’t seventeen anymore and his
powers of persuasion didn’t have the same effect as they used to. Don’t get me
wrong, he still had skills, but there was too much hurt in the way for them to
be as effective as they were when we were younger.

Our waiter came and took our order. Brady
was ever the country boy and ordered steak. I ordered the chicken teriyaki. I
tried to steer the conversation away from us. I asked about anything I could
think of, from Caroline to if he really liked working at the bank, all in an
effort to keep him at arm’s length. I could see the continued frustration as he
answered, but he humored me all through dinner and dessert. When the check
came, I offered to pay as a way to say thank you for him giving up his day.
Once again, I disappointed him. He looked at me like he didn’t know who I was.
He flat out refused my offer, and was even a little defensive about it. I knew
Brady was very traditional about dating; I never once paid for anything when we
were together, but this wasn’t a date. At least in my mind it wasn’t.

We walked toward the shops in silence. I
almost just asked him to take me back to the hospital, but I knew that would
hurt his feelings, and I already felt like I had done enough of that tonight. I
was just going to make this shopping trip quick. I would grab a few of the bare
essentials I needed and a few outfits without trying things on, and I would
come back later on my own. I wasn’t really in the mood to shop anyway. I didn’t
pay too much attention to what I pulled off the racks. I had a feeling I would
be returning several pieces, but I needed to get away from Brady; the tension
was palpable between us.

Brady barely made small talk with me as we
made our way through several stores. I thought,
it’s better this way
. It
hurt and it was uncomfortable, but at least now he would see it could never
work between us. That ship had sailed long ago. Actually, I don’t even know if
it would have ever even left the port. We were just young and naïve, thinking
we could ever really be together.

The only levity that came in our
conversation was when I needed to go into Victoria’s Secret. I don’t think he
was even paying attention as we began to walk in. I stopped him with my hand.
“Sorry, I have a rule about my underwear, on or off. If there wasn’t a pastor
involved in our relationship status, you don’t get to see it.”

At least he somewhat smiled, but it was
short lived. “You know I’d be willing to get a pastor involved.”  He turned and
walked off.

I kicked myself inwardly. I should have chosen
my words better. I was just trying to be lighthearted. So much for that. I
almost cried as I picked out my stupid panties and bras. I decided this was the
last store. I needed to get back to my aunt’s house. No, what I really needed
was to get as far away from Kaysville as possible.

Brady was waiting for me when I walked
out. I hated seeing him so sullen. It wasn’t like him, but I couldn’t give him
what he wanted. I told him I was done and thanked him again. He carried my bags,
minus the pink one, back to his truck. I let him help me in without any
hesitation. It was the least I could do. The ride back to the hospital was
painfully silent. He parked next to my car and retrieved all of my packages and
bags and placed them in my trunk for me. He was ever the gentleman.

He walked me to the driver’s side of my
car, but before he opened the door for me, he unexpectedly wrapped me up in his
arms and kissed me. I didn’t even think, I just responded. It just seemed so
natural and right as he pulled me to him. He kissed me with such intensity that
I forgot that breathing was an option, or a necessity, and that I shouldn’t be
doing this. After a couple of minutes, his hands found their way to my face and
he held it gently as the kissed slowed. Kissing him was better than I had
remembered, but it opened a floodgate of emotion. I can’t tell you how many
times I had dreamed of Brady kissing me again over the years. The tears came,
and I remembered why, no matter how much I wanted this, and no matter how
amazing it was, I shouldn’t be doing this.

I pushed him away and I began to shake and
cry harder, and not because of the cold outside. Brady tried to take me back in
his arms, but I wouldn’t allow it.

“I can’t do this, Brady.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes it matters! Just tell me why. But
don’t tell me it’s because of the rules, Ellie. You and I both know those don’t
matter anymore.”

That was it. He was going to hear me out.  

“Oh really, Brady Jackson? I guess they
only matter when you want them to. When it allows you to leave me and break
every promise you ever made to me. Do you have any idea what you’ve put me
through the last ten years?”

He wanted to answer, but I was on a roll.
The floodgates had been opened.

“After you broke up with me,
because of
the rules
, Brady, I thought for sure it was just temporary. We would go
back to school and we would figure it out together like we always had. But then,
there you were … with
her
. And now I find out that you would take her
word that I had been seeing someone behind your back.”

“It wasn't her,” he interrupted.

“I don’t care who it was! How could you
not know me better?” I didn't give him a second to answer. “Not only were you
with her, but you acted like I didn't even exist. Do you even know how that
made me feel?”

He didn't even try to answer, so I
continued ranting. “I thought I would go away and it would get better, but it didn't,
because I had to hear about you everywhere and see you and
her
everywhere.
And as hard as a tried, I couldn't get over you like you had gotten over me.
Then I watched you get engaged, to
her
of all people. Did you know that
I was watching the game where you got hurt, and I cried because I still loved
you and I could see the pain you were in and I knew you would never get your
dream to play in the NFL?  I hated that, even though you couldn't care less about
me. I still cared about you! And no matter how many times I’ve tried to move on
with someone else, I haven’t been able to. So, Brady, don't tell me the rules
don't matter. You say you want to try again, but I'm still an Eaton and your
parents hate me. I saw it in their eyes yesterday. And your daddy didn't look
well at all, so will you use that as an excuse again the next time you leave
me?”

Brady looked dumbfounded. I don’t think he
knew what to say or do. And although I was still shaking and crying, I felt a
little lighter. Maybe I should have gotten that off my chest a long time ago. I
don’t think I’d ever said any of those things out loud. Even after it first
happened, I suffered mostly in silence. I cried a lot, but I tried to do it in
the privacy of my own room. Sometimes Aunt Lu would hear me and she would come
in and hold me like a child, but for the most part, I tried to deal with it on
my own.

As we stood there, just staring at each
other, I think I began to shiver from the cold. I don’t know why I just didn’t
get in my car and leave. I guess part of me was waiting for Brady to say some
magic words to make it all better, but they never came.

He just took off his coat and wrapped it
around me and helped me in my car. “I’ll follow you home to make sure you get
there ok.”

I handed his coat back. “It’s not
necessary. Thank you.”

He put the coat right back on me and
looked at me like he wasn’t in the mood to hear my objections. I’m not sure if
he was mad at me or if he just thought I was crazy, but I knew one thing for
sure. This was the end for us.

I shook the whole way home, even though I
had the heat blasting and Brady’s coat on. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I wasn’t
someone to normally have emotional outbursts. I had been schooled on how to
look and act like everything was coming up roses, even when you landed among
the thorns. Tonight I was tired of pretending the thorns felt good and like I
hadn’t been torn up by them for years.

Brady followed me to the entrance of the
house and as soon as I entered the gates, he drove off. I started to cry again.
I knew we could never be together, but it killed me to say goodbye again. I
should have never bargained with my aunt. I should have made her come to Atlanta with me. Coming back to Kaysville was a huge mistake.