42
She’s sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for him to sit down. He doesn’t want to. He knows what this is going to be. Or has a good idea. The sooner he sits, the sooner it happens.
‘I’ve called you,’ she’s saying. She looks angry. Upset.
‘Yeah,’ Calum’s saying. ‘I was helping William at his garage.’
‘We need to have a conversation,’ she’s saying. Here it comes. She looks serious. She’s good at that. ‘I want to ask you something.’
He’s sitting opposite, watching her. Trying to judge her expression. This is unpleasant for her, he can see that. Not just sad, but horrible. ‘Go on,’ he’s saying.
‘I’m not going to ask you what you do for a living. I think I know. I mean, I’m guessing what you generally do, not the specifics. I don’t really want to know. I’d rather not.’
Maybe she doesn’t want to know because it would upset her more, but that’s not what it sounded like. It sounded as if she wanted to maintain deniability. She knows there’s a lot to be said for blissful ignorance.
‘I want to ask you. Is there any chance . . . ?’ She’s stopped and she’s laughing. Not the happy sort of laugh. ‘This just sounds stupid. Would you be willing to stop what you do for me?’
That was unexpected. He’s sitting there, thinking about it. She’s asking him to stop his work, for her. A woman he’s known for, what, two months? She’s asking him to make an almighty sacrifice. She doesn’t understand. That’s the truth of it. It seems like a romantic notion to her. The idea of her rescuing him from his degrading life of crime. She doesn’t realize what she’s asking. To walk away from his work would be to put his life at huge risk. Hers, too.
‘It’s not . . .’ How do you say this without making her think she’s playing second fiddle to his job? ‘That’s not how it works. You can’t walk away.’ How much does she know?
‘You can always walk away,’ she’s saying. ‘If you really want to.’
She’s so earnest. It’s one of her greater faults. Thinking that she knows everything. ‘I don’t know what exactly you think I do for a living. Maybe, if I started planning it now, I could walk away in a few months’ time. Although it wouldn’t be walking, it would be running.’
‘I know you’ve been lying to me,’ she’s saying. ‘You lied to me not five minutes ago. I know you weren’t with your brother today. Been lying to me since day one, I guess. Stupid me.’
Calum’s sighing. ‘I never . . .’ Nope, can’t finish that sentence without lying again. He’s a good liar. Better than his brother anyway. Better than George, too. ‘I want to be as honest with you as I can. It’s just . . . better that you don’t know some things.’
She’s nodding. She’s taking a hankie from her pocket, balling it up in her hands. ‘I’m not completely gullible, Calum,’ she’s saying quietly. ‘I knew you were lying at the time. I just didn’t look too deep. Didn’t want to see the truth. Well, I’ve looked now.’
Hard to respond to that. ‘Okay.’
‘I know that when you went out of here in the middle of the night last week it wasn’t to pick up your brother. I knew it at the time. I did. I knew it, but I let it go. I thought you were up to no good. I figured it was something I could overlook.’ A pause. ‘Do you know that two guys were found dead that night?’
Oh God, don’t do this. Calum thought she was smarter than that. If she thinks there’s murder involved, then she must realize that silence is her best option. Now he has to lie. No choice.
‘Whoa, wait a second. I hope you’re not suggesting I had something to do with people dying.’ Sounded convincing to him. Careful not to add a single detail that she hasn’t already offered. Sounding genuinely offended. Shocked.
She’s shaking her head. ‘I didn’t, at first. But then I went to see your brother. He lied to me about that night, same as you. He’s a bad liar, your brother. Takes him too long to think of an answer. I don’t think he’s as smart as you are. Then I went to see George. He tried to lie too. I mentioned those dead people. I saw his reaction. I know.’
He’s trying to laugh. It doesn’t sound right to him. Or to her. ‘I don’t know what the hell George said, but you have to know that’s not me. Jesus, Emma, what are you saying?’
What are you doing?
That’s what he wants to ask.
Why the hell are you setting off alarms all over the city?
Questioning George. A man she must know is involved in the industry, too. How does she think that’s going to end? This is the problem with people on the outside. They really think they’re untouchable. They think that, because they play by the law, everyone else will play nice with them. They think they’re protected by their own decency. They’re wrong.
‘Look, I don’t know how involved you were. I know you were involved, so let’s not lie to each other any more about that,’ she’s saying, holding up a hand before he can protest. ‘I just . . . I think you’re a good person. Or – I don’t know – capable of being one. If you want. All I’m asking is that you stop that life. Find a better one.’
He’s closing his eyes. He can’t make her understand. ‘I’m sorry, Emma; it just doesn’t work like that.’
She’s looking at him and she’s shaking her head. She thinks it’s a lack of will. The world seems that easy to her. You want to do something, so you do it.
‘I’m going to make it really easy for you,’ she’s saying. ‘You either quit what you do, or you don’t see me ever again. It’s that easy.’
He’s smiling wryly, which, incidentally, is the wrong response. He’s thinking about his work. What would her reaction be if she knew? There would be no ultimatums then. She would be gone, no matter what he promised her.
‘If it was as easy as you think it is, I would have done it already. I just don’t have that option.’
She’s nodding her head. Not saying anything. Twisting her mouth, trying to keep her emotions in.
It’s taken twenty seconds of silence. Then a big sigh. The sort that tells you that a mind’s made up. She’s getting up, pulling the strap of her bag over her shoulder. She’s looking down across the table at him. Now it’s just sadness.
‘Goodbye,’ she’s saying, and she’s making for the door.
He does wish there was something he could say. Something that would make her understand without making her hate him. Something that might rescue the relationship. Relationships are so rare in his life. Losing this one will hurt, he knows that. What’s the alternative? Everything he thinks about saying sounds stupid in his head. She’s opening the door.
‘I don’t want to do what I do,’ he’s saying. She’s stopped, and she’s looking back at him. Now she’s stepping out through the door and pulling it shut behind her. And he’s back where he started. Back where he should always have been. Alone.