How Do I Love Thee (19 page)

Ramon dropped the mop with a clatter, came to her, and held her face between his large, rough hands. “I could never forget you, Laura. Haven't I told you that many times? Seeing you again has made me the happiest I've been in a week.”

Her knees turned to mush. Behind her, Bonnie cleared her throat. Laura introduced them.

“Come,” Ramon said. “I'll take you someplace away from here.”

“That's all right We don't mind—”

“No,” he said sharply. “You aren't safe here.”

Laura didn't feel in any danger, especially now that she was with Ramon. “But your job—”

“I don't care.” He removed the long apron he was wearing, took her hand, and led her toward the front door. He said something in Spanish to the cashier, then escorted Laura and Bonnie outside and around to the narrow back alley. There he put both girls into a beat-up old car. “It's not much,” he said, “but I bought it myself.”

He drove past the graffiti-covered buildings down to a park in Midtown, not speaking the whole way. He somehow wedged his car into a tiny parking space. In the park, the trees were bright with new leaves, and tulips bloomed in well-kept flower beds. Mothers and nannies pushed baby carriages along sun-dappled walkways. He found an empty bench overlooking a bed of daffodils and settled Laura beside him.

Bonnie said, “I'm hungry and I see a hot dog vendor. Want me to get you both something?”

They shook their heads. Laura realized Bonnie was only giving her and Ramon a chance to be alone, and she was grateful. Because he'd been so quiet, she was afraid she'd really blown it by showing up at his job unannounced. “I—I'm sorry I interrupted you at work,” she began.

He wove his fingers through hers and stared deeply into her eyes. “I don't care about the job. It's you I care about We left because I did not want you in my world, Laura.”

“But why?”

“It is an ugly, scary world and not good enough for you.”

“That's silly. I wasn't afraid.”

He dropped his gaze. “But I am. I still have enemies there.”

“Then why do you stay?”

He shrugged. “Sanehez gives me a free room over his store in exchange for watching over his turf at night. I save money more quiekly. It is a good arrangement for me.”

“I don't want to stop seeing you,” Laura blurted out. “I don't care what my parents think.”

He turned, stared across the beds of swaying
yellow flowers. Finally, still holding on to her, he said, “The things your father told you about me are all true. I am not a good person. I have done many bad things. Such things I do not want you to know about. Or hear about. I've been in juvie jail. I once led a gang in my neighborhood, where my word was law.” He lifted the sleeve of his shirt and she saw the faint tattoo of a dragon, I'm having this removed by my friend Carlos in the radiation department at the hospital. If only all of my past were so easy to erase.”

Laura felt hot and cold all over, but she didn't find his past repulsive. “That's not the Ramon I know. My Ramon is kind and gentle and very caring.”

His shoulders sagged. “When I came home from jail, two of my best friends were dead. Also my cousin was dead, and my brother was in custody for shooting a rival gang member. In the past four years, I have lost six friends to the streets. I knew that if I didn't do something for myself, I would end up the same way. That's when I started working at the hospital, trying to make something better of myself. And that's where I first saw you.

“You were so beautiful, so sick and sad. I
could not take my eyes from you. Of course, you did not know I existed. I can't explain why you made a difference forme, but you did. I wanted to know you. I wanted to be worthy of you and your world. You gave me purpose even though you never knew me. Or knew how I felt about you.”

She was moved. His feelings for her transcended reason, and she didn't feel worthy of them. Tears formed as she imagined the harshness of his youth, the loss of his friends. “I didn't know, but I'm happy you've told me. My parents had no right to tell you not to ever contact me.”

“You are lucky to have such parents. My father left when I was two. My mother struggled to raise us, but she got sick and died. We moved in with an aunt, but my uncle was a drunk and very cruel. The gang world was safer, and in the gang I was somebody important. As I grew, my reputation grew as being one mean
hombre.
By the time I was fifteen, I had a long history with the cops. My uncle became frightened of me. He did not beat me then, but he did turn me in to die cops. And so I was sent to the detention center.”

Laura knew she should be frightened by a guy like Ramon. He'd led a life she'd only read about in newspapers. Yet she wasn't afraid of him. Worse, she was certain die was falling in love with him. “I don't know what to say except that all that happened to you before doesn't matter to me. I want to see you again. Especially now.”

“You're on the transplant list.
SÍ
, I have heard. But that is a good thing, Laura. With a new heart, you can live a long life and not be sick. It makes me happy to know this.”

She gave a nervous sigh. “But I'm scared. Scared I'll get the heart; scared I'll die waiting. Either way is a risk.”

He nodded. “Life is risk. When you grow up on the streets, every day you don't die is a good day.” He smiled shyly. “But I don't want to speak to you of death, but of life. And you have given my life new meaning.”

She couldn't believe that he felt so strongly about her. She knew she wasn't extraordinary, but he certainly made her feel as if she were. “Then that's all the more reason why we should plan on seeing more of each other.”

“It would mean much to me if we could. But how? Your parents—”

“Want me to be happy,” she interrupted. “And being with you makes me happy. I'm under their junkyard dog guard right now, but once they relax, I'll have more freedom. In the meantime, I'll be making regular visits to the hospital. Bonnie will help us get together.”

“Did I hear my name?” Bonnie came up with a half-eaten hot dog and a cola. “I— um—don't mean to be a drag, but we'd better get home. It's almost three, and school will be getting out. We both need to be where we're supposed to be.”

“I'll drive you,” Ramon said, standing. “Then I'll clock in at the hospital.”

“And on the way we'll make some plans,” Laura said. She wasn't going to let anything separate her from Ramon. Now that she'd found him again, she wasn't going to lose him. No matter what her parents said.

With Bonnie's help, Laura was able to get and receive messages from Ramon regularly. As Laura got stronger, she begged Bonnie to
accompany her to the hospital for checkups and visits. “You can call Dr. Simon and yak your heads off,” she told her parents. “But please don't hang all over me now that I feel good. I'm not a kid anymore.”

Her parents, at first hesitant, finally agreed, and so after every visit, Laura met with Ramon. They took walks by the river, holding hands. When Laura grew short of breath, Ramon would sit with her on the riverbanks. They'd watch the currents and talk about one day being together. She'd never been happier.

Her life felt so almost normal that on some days she forgot she needed a new heart, And her real heart was so full of joy that even Dr. Simon commented on her excellent attitude. “Research shows that the better your outlook, the quicker your recovery,” Dr. Simon told her.

And her parents said, “It's wonderful to see you so happy, honey.”

Of course, Laura couldn't tell any of them
why
she really felt the way she did—she couldn't tell them about seeing Ramon, but she was glad they'd noticed.

In late July, her father dropped a bombshell.
“Laura,” he said one night at the dinner table, “we're closing up the town house here in the city and moving to Mississippi. I've done a lot of research, and it's your best shot at getting a new heart quickly.”

“
ut I don't want to move to Mississippi” were the first words out of Laura's mouth.

“Why not? I've looked into this carefully,” her father said. “If you stay here, your wait for a heart could be up to four years. In Mississippi, it could be less than eight months.”

“And it's not as if we won't return,” her mother offered. “Just as soon as the transplant's over and you've recovered, we'll come home. All we're going to do is take up residency in another state so that you'll have a better chance of getting your heart sooner. We'll sublet the town house.”

“But what about my doctor? Br. Simon can't operate in Mississippi.” How could her parents consider such a thing just when she was doing so well? Just when she was so happy.

“Dr. Simon has checked out the transplant facility and transplant team in Jackson, and she thinks you'll be in good hands.”

“I won't be able to begin my senior year at my high school. I—-I was looking forward to school in the fall.”

“I think getting a heart is far more important than where you attend high school,” her mother said.

“But all my friends are here. There's Bonnie—”

“She'll understand. I don't know what all the fuss is about, Laura. This news should make you glad.”

Laura felt her breath catching in her throat. She practiced a relaxing technique she ‘d learned from the psychologist preparing her for the transplant procedure. “It does,” she said slowly. “You just caught me off guard, that's all,”

Her father smiled. “Good. Then I'm flying
down this weekend to look for housing. We need to establish our residency as soon as possible.”

“What about your business?” Laura tried one last tactic.

“Bill will keep it running.” He named his store manager. “I've told him I'll make him a partner.”

“You will?”

“There's nothing more important to your mother and me than you. The business is secondary and always will be,”

She was out of arguments. Her chest felt caught in a vise, and her mind wouldn't shut off. She would be moving, and there was nothing she could do about it. She
had
to talk to Ramon.

Bonnie set up the meeting, and Laura took a cab to the park on the riverfront that was her and Ramon's favorite meeting place. He was already there, pacing and looking worried. “Are you all right?” he asked the minute he opened the cab door.

“No,” she said, a knot of tears wedged in her throat.

Ramon took hold of Laura and walked with her slowly on the path toward the river. She told him about the upcoming move, her heart fluttering, her breath ragged. “What are we going to do, Ramon? I don't want to move.”

By now they had reached the river. Ramon spread out the blanket he'd been carrying and made her sit. Taking a bottle of drinking water from his knapsack, he moistened a napkin and dabbed her forehead and neck. “You must not get so upset. It's not good for your heart.”

“Aren't we going to talk about this? Do you want me to move?”

He flashed her a dark, hurt look. “Every minute I have with you, Laura, is like a small gift. A present that I don't deserve. I've always known that you would one day leave me.”

“But I'm not leaving because I want to,” she cried.

“And isn't that the point? You're leaving because getting a new heart is more important than anything else. Even us.”

“I—I just thought it would happen here with you nearby.”

He took her into his arms and kissed her damp cheeks. “Don't cry. It hurts my heart to
see you cry. Do you think I want to see you go? I would be with you every minute if I could.”

She settled against his chest, heard the drumming of his heart. It calmed her. Her rapid heartbeat slowed. She imagined returning to him with a new heart. She would be whole and well, without blue nail beds and blue lips. “Weil have to think of a way to talk to each other when I'm living down there. I couldn't stand not talking to you for as long as this may take.”

“How long before you move?”

“As soon as Dad can find us a place and movers can be lined up.”

Ramon brushed her hair away from her face and smoothed her cheek. “Before you go, I will speak to your family. I've wanted to talk to them for a long time about us because it isn't right to deceive them. I want them to know I love you.”