How to Be a Normal Person (11 page)

“I see,” Margo Montana said. “Like?”

At this point in his abnormal, weird, and strange life, Gus might have growled at her, plotting a quick and swift revenge in his head that he would never act on. But since he was trying to turn over a new leaf as of forty-three minutes ago (for reasons he didn’t quite understand), he instead gritted his teeth and said, “To check out a book, of course. Like normal people do. For research.”

“What book?” she asked with a nasty curve to her smile.

He turned around, stomped to the closest shelf in the nonfiction section, grabbed a book without looking, came back, and not quite slammed it on her desk.

To her credit, Margo Montana didn’t flinch. She glanced down at the book. Her eyes widened slightly. She looked back up at Gus. “Research?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’m researching the hell out of this.”

“Ah,” she said. “Well. I am… surprised. To say the least. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

He didn’t know what she was talking about. She didn’t think he could come into a library? That he couldn’t get a card all on his own? That he was
weird
and
abnormal
and
strange
? Well, he would show her!

“Yes,” he said. “I’m just full of surprises. That’s what I’m doing here. I’m going to surprise everyone and people will say ‘Hey, look everyone. Gus did that. He did that all on his own. He didn’t have help from anyone to do that, even though people offered.’”

Her eyes were wide. “People
offered
?” she asked, sounding incredulous. “To
help
you do this?”

He thought of the inspirational calendar. “Yes, but I didn’t need it. I’m doing it all on my own and it’s going to be
awesome
.”

She handed him a library card application wordlessly. She looked shocked. Gus was proud of himself.

He filled out the application quickly. It was a good start.

She handed him his card.

She checked out his book, though he really didn’t need it. It was just a ploy to get what he
really
needed.

The Internet.

“I hope you do right by the girl,” Margo Montana said. “God doesn’t take kindly to children born out of wedlock.”

“Um,” Gus said. “What?”

“Lord knows why you think knocking up some poor thing is right,” she said. “And having others…
help
you do it. The savagery. My word. Why, as I live in breathe Gustavo Tiberius, Pastor Tommy would be
rolling
in his grave.”

“Um,” Gus squeaked. “
What
?”

“Your
research
,” she said, handing him the book. “And those pages better not come back tainted with any…
fluids
, you understand? The Douglas County Library does
not
appreciate books covered in… your
private
business, especially if it’s an affront to
God
.”

He looked down at the book.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting
.

“Oh no,” Gus said.

“Now,” Margo Montana said, “if you’ll
excuse
me, I need to go make some phone calls. About… a completely unrelated topic of conversation. Good day.”

“No,” Gus said. “No, no, wait just a—”

He looked back up from the book. Margo Montana was gone, a sign left on her desk where a picture of a fluffy cat said
I’LL BE BACK IN TEN MINUTES. I AIN’T KITTEN YOU!

Gus hated it instantly.

But he also knew he could never show his face in the library again.

He fled without ever using the Internet.

HIS PHONE
rang when he walked in the door.

He groaned when he saw who was calling.

“Lottie,” he said when he answered.

“
Gus
,” she hissed. “What the hell is going on?”

“Nothing,” he said. “Still sick. Cough. Cough.”

“Why are you coughing? I thought you said you had the flu!”

Well, shit. “Oh yeah,” he said. “Oh, ow. My stomach. It hurts. Ow. My fever is so high. Oh no.”

“Anyway,” Lottie said. “What the hell are you doing getting someone pregnant!”

“Ow, my intestines, my—wait. What?”

“Tina Marshall said Mrs. Havisham told her that Carol Eckhart told
her
that Margo Montana said you were at the library checking out books about how to get a girl pregnant through a gang bang.”

“That alliterative
wench
,” Gus snarled.

“Gus, I don’t know if you’re ready to be a father,” Lottie said. “I didn’t even know you
liked
women like that.”

“I don’t!”

“Do you really want a baby that badly, then? Because you can always adopt and—”

“No!”

“And then there’s the
gang-bang
side of it that I just can’t wrap my head around. Like, is it just to increase the chances of pregnancy? Is it a kink of yours? I am
never
one to kink-shame, Gus,
ever
, especially when I like wax play and nipple clamps, but there has to be better ways to knock someone up than a seven-way. Just think of all the
semen
. You wouldn’t even be able to guarantee the baby would be yours!”

“Oh my god,” Gus moaned.

“No,” she said, “no, I just think you need to reconsider this, okay? Just take some time to think on it before you do anything rash. Maybe get another ferret and name it William Henry Harrison or something. Maybe that’s what your biological clock is ticking for.”

And because he was Gus, he said, “Did you know that William Henry Harrison was the shortest-termed president in US history? He died one month into office due to pneumonia and oh my god. I am
not
getting another ferret. My clock is
not
ticking and I do not want a gang-bang baby!”

“Oh,” Lottie said. “Well. That’s good. I’m sure Casey will be pleased to hear that. I think he’s moping slightly. He hasn’t even taken his morning doobie break. Poor baby.”

Gus sputtered for thirty-six seconds.

Then he hung up on Lottie.

There was a text from a hipster. Gus wondered what his life was coming to.

U getting pregs??

Gus couldn’t help but CapsLock. This was a CapsLock situation if there ever was one. Gus wondered what his life had become when he needed a CapsLock situation.

NO. I AM NOT GETTING PREGNANT. OR HAVING A GANG BANG.

Kk.

I’M SERIOUS. THERE IS NO GANG BANG.

Kk. babies r sticky. So r gngbngs.

“I don’t even want to know,” Gus muttered.

Feeling bttr?

“You can spell feeling, but not better?” Gus asked. “Jesus.”

YES. THE FLU IS A 24-HOUR THING. I WILL SURVIVE.

Hey, hey! sing it gurl! kewl xx =D

“Yeah,” Gus said savagely. “Kewl. I’m so kewl.”

RECORDING OF
a customer call taken by Pacific Northwest Cable service representative Mitzi Reniger on 5/20/14 at 2:41 P.M. THIS RECORDING IS USED FOR INTERNAL REVIEW ONLY. DO NOT RELEASE RECORDINGS TO THE PUBLIC.

“Thank you for calling Pacific Northwest Cable, this is Mitzi and this call may be recorded for quality assurance. How may I provide you with excellent service today?”

“Uh. Yes. Hi. Hello.”

“Hello, sir! To whom am I speaking?”

“Yes. Um. My name is Gustavo Tiberius. I would like to buy the Internet.”

“Do you mean you would like to purchase Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service with MegaCheck Security?”

“Um. What.”

“Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service is the fastest Internet available in Oregon and Washington, and MegaCheck Security will keep your hardware and software safe as you surf the World Wide Web. Doesn’t that sound amazing?”

“Right. Okay. That.”

“Wonderful! Now, before we begin, I’ll just need to confirm some information. Are you already a Pacific Northwest Cable customer? With TV, perhaps?”

“Yes, though I never watch it, really. I like to read, mostly. I turned on the TV once and somehow the channel was on a show about sister wives or something and I turned it off because they were terrifying people.”

“Uh-huh, okay, sir, do you have your Pacific Northwest Cable account number?”

“Yes, it’s. *Edited to protect consumer privacy*”

“Perfect, I do see your account here. And I must say, thank you for being a loyal Pacific Northwest Cable customer for the last twelve years.”

“Oh, uh. You’re welcome? You’re the only cable company here, though, so. Can’t be loyal to anyone else when you’ve got a monopoly.”

“Too right, sir. Okay, can you please verify the address?”

“*Edited to protect consumer privacy*”

“Great, and your date of birth and the last four digits of your social security number.”

*Edited to protect consumer privacy*

“Thank you, Mr. Tiberius. Now, before we set you up with Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service with MegaCheck Security, there are a few questions I’d like to ask to get a baseline of what you use the Internet for.”

“Slightly invasive, but okay.”

“Oh, I assure you, Mr. Tiberius, these are just general questions to give me a better idea of what services to offer you.”

“Um. Okay.”

“Great! Now, how often do you use the Internet?”

“Never.”

“Uh. I’m sorry, can you say that again?”

“Sure. Never.”

“You never use the Internet.”

“No.”

“Not at home.”

“Uh, no. That’s why I’m on the phone with you.”

“Not on your cellular device?”

“My phone doesn’t support Internet.”

“Oh my. Not at your place of employment?”

“No.”

“Wow. Um. Okay, I have to admit that’s a first.”

“First what?”

“Oh, it’s no problem, sir! It’s just I haven’t spoken to someone who has never used the Internet before.”

“I’ve
used
it before. I don’t live in a cave. I went on it once in high school to look up the mating rituals of
Pseudobiceros hancockanus
—a type of flatworm—because it wasn’t listed in my encyclopedia. They engage in a behavior known as penis fencing when they mate, where they essentially fight each other with their penises as the main weapon of combat. They’re both hermaphroditic, and the winner of the penis fencing becomes the male and the loser is the female who is then impregnated.”

“Oh. That’s… interesting. And you used the Internet one time? In high school. And now you’re almost… thirty.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. I can work with this. I know Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service like the back of my hand.”

“Oh good. How thrilling for you.”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay, Mr. Tiberius, what would you
like
to use the Internet for?”

“I don’t believe that’s any of your business.”

“Mr. Tiberius, I’m not trying to intrude, I’m just trying to get an idea of what type of Internet you’ll need.”

“There’s more than one type?”

“Speed-wise, yes.”

“Just make it fast.”

“How fast, sir?”

“Um. Like, in miles per hour?”

“Oh dear. No, not like in miles per hour.”

“I see. Is it… like, a European thing? In kilometers? I can see the appeal of the metric system. It just makes so much more sense. Leave it to the Americans to try and be diff—”

“Yes, well. Why don’t we just give you the fastest Internet we have.”

“Okay. That sounds like a good idea.”

“Now, it’ll take just a few moments to set this up, Mr. Tiberius. While I’m doing that, I’m noticing you have one of our older cable TV packages. Have you ever thought about upgrading to receive multiple premium movie channels and/or sports channels?”

“No.”

“No? If you’d like, I can tell you the benefits of—”

“I own a movie store and organized sports make me physically ill.”

“I see you’re in Abby, Oregon. That’s only an hour away from Eugene and the University of Oregon. Are you a Ducks fan?”

“A what?”

“The Ducks? At the University of Oregon?”

“Are you talking to me about water-based birds? Or sports?”

“Uh, sports, sir. How about that Ducks football program? You know, with Pacific Northwest Cable’s Premium College Football Package, you’ll never have to miss another one of your team’s games. With crystal clear high-def picture, it’ll feel like you’re at the ten-yard line. Gooo Ducks!”

“What the hell. Are you high right now?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Are. You.
High
?”

“No. No, sir. I am not.”

“Oh. Okay. I was not expecting that answer. I don’t watch football. Or cricket. Or ultimate Frisbee or whatever other sport there is. I read encyclopedias and I need the Internet to research confounding asexual hipsters and how to be a normal person.”

“I… I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“Most people don’t. I’m abnormal and weird and strange and I don’t want to be anymore. So if you could please just sell me the Internet, then I can bid you good day.”

“Okay. I can do that. But I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you about the premium channels such as HBO and Showtime where you can enjoy TV shows such as—”

“Oh my god.”

“Sir?”

“Oh my god.”

“Are you okay?”

“No. No, Mitzi, I’m not okay. This… this is an
ordeal
. I should have just gone back to the library. After all, Margo Montana can’t be there
every
day. All I have to do is just wait for the rumors of gang-bang babies to die down and I’ll be just fine. It’ll be okay and I’ll be fine.”

“Gang… bang?”

“I know, right? You can’t trust anyone whose name is alliterative. You can’t because they’ll misconstrue everything you say and then spread vicious rumors based completely on misunderstandings. I don’t even know.”