How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (58 page)
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THE CRIPPLING WORLD OF CODEPENDENCY:
S
ince 1996, countless callers have talked with me on
Hope In The Night
(our live two-hour call-in counseling program), ardently attempting to help an addicted loved one. Too often, however, I find these well-intentioned “helpers” need as much healing as their addicted strugglers. In reality, too many have come to the point where
their help isn’t helpful
. And the cause for this is called
codependency
.
Codependent people ignore, deny, justify, defend, excuse, and sometimes even protect strugglers from being exposed. They have become too dependent on pleasing their addicted loved ones. Instead, they need to see their folly and forsake their self-destructive patterns of depending on someone other than God to meet their deep inner needs.
“My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge”
(P
SALM
62:7).
The term
codependency
is often associated with addictions because of the dysfunctional relationships between addicted strugglers and the “people pleasers” around them.
•
Codependent
was a word first used in the 1970s to describe a family member living with someone
dependent
on alcohol or who had another addictive behavior. The prefix
co
means “with” or “one associated with the action of another.”
1
•
Codependency
became a term used to describe the dysfunctional behavior of family members or significant others who sought to adapt to the struggler’s negative behavior. The dynamic of codependency is similar to that of having an elephant in your living room that no one talks about but everyone maneuvers around and tries to avoid upsetting. Everyone maneuvers in such a way to minimize the negative impact of the addiction.
•
Codependent people
or
enablers
enable the struggler to continue on with the addiction without drawing and maintaining boundaries.
•
Codependency
is a
relationship addiction
. Just as a struggler is dependent on his or her addiction, the codependent is overly dependent on the relationship with the struggler.
•
Codependent
today refers to anyone who is dependent on another to the point of being controlled or manipulated by that person.
•
Co-addict
refers to someone who is not in recovery for his or her own relationship dysfunction.
Those who are codependent fail to confront or to hold strugglers accountable for their actions. They are desperately trying to please the struggler. However, they would be wise to ask themselves,
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?
Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to
please men, I would not be a servant of Christ”
(G
ALATIANS
1:10).
Every addiction recovery program includes support groups for those involved in the lives of strugglers, whether the addiction is to alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, or sex. These “victims” of the addict’s behavior need to be encouraged and equipped to help their loved ones. They need help to stop being enablers. But how?
Enablers have gone beyond healthy dependency into unhealthy codependency. Enablers keep giving strugglers what they want—or what they demand—but to their detriment, and often their demise. While loving codependents think they’re exhibiting unconditional love and doing what is “right,” Scripture reminds us:
“There is a way that seems right…but in the end it leads to death”
(P
ROVERBS
16:25).
Typically, enablers are so tightly enmeshed in the life of a struggler that their own lives are swallowed up in perpetual chaos and frustration. They…
• Have a pattern of unhealthy dependencies in relationships and live unbalanced lives
• Have low self-esteem and feel inferior to and less important than others
• Have their identity in an unhealthy person whose happiness is always their highest priority
• Feel a sense of value only after receiving appreciation from others
• Have difficulty identifying personal feelings but are acutely attuned to the feelings of others
• Will violate their personal values and convictions to prevent being rejected
• Engage in extreme behaviors to try to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others to satisfy personal emotional needs
Codependent people often unwittingly enable strugglers to continue in their addictions, all the while complaining about their destructive behavior. They resign themselves to being victims. They feel they need to be “fixers” (to fix people), and they use that role to feel significant and meet their own inner needs. However, the Bible says our God is to be our Need-meeter:
“God will meet all your needs according to
his glorious riches in Christ Jesus”
(P
HILIPPIANS
4:19).
Being an Enabler
Q
UESTION
:
“How can I know whether I am being an enabler?”
A
NSWER:
You are an enabler if you perpetuate another’s addictive behavior by protecting that person from experiencing painful consequences that could actually serve as motivation for change. Ask yourself,
How many lies have I told to protect the one I love from suffering negative repercussions from unwise choices?
The Bible has strong words about those who protect the guilty:
“Whoever says to the guilty, ‘You are innocent’
—
peoples will curse him”
(P
ROVERBS
24:24).
How to Stop Being a Codependent
Many people are stuck in an addictive habit that must be broken if they are ever going to become healthy. But how can you stop enabling them once they are dependent on your help? Realizing that you
must
stop is a vital first step. Making excuses for and shielding your addicted struggler from the painful consequences of destructive choices actually perpetuates the behavior you hope to prevent. Adopting a new way of relating is one of the most loving things you can do. But it will take courage and firm resolve because enabling them has become
your norm
, and being rescued has become
their norm
. To create a new normal, you need to…
•
Educate yourself about personal boundaries
and begin putting them into place.
– Read a book or listen to recordings about codependency and enabling.
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– Consider joining a related support group. Codependents Anonymous groups exist worldwide. Many churches host such support groups.
– Enlist an accountability partner to help you maintain your resolve and boundaries.
“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance”
(P
ROVERBS
1:5).
•
Determine when your help isn’t helpful.
Galatians 6:2 tells us to “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” However, Galatians 6:5 says, “Each one should carry his own load.”
– At first glance, these commands seem contradictory. However, careful analysis will show they are both true.
– In verse 2, the Greek word translated “burden” is
baros
, which means “weight,” implying a load or something that is pressing heavily.
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When you help carry what is too heavy for someone else to bear alone, your assistance fulfills the law of Christ.
– In verse 5, the Greek word translated “load” is
phortion
, which means “something carried.”
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Clearly, when you carry what others should carry, you are not wise.
We are not called by God to relieve others of their rightful responsibilities, nor are we to expect or demand that others take on our God-given responsibilities. Codependent people try to get their needs met by
carrying loads that others should be carrying
. To move out of a codependent relationship, both individuals need to quit trying to be the other person’s “all in all” and should instead encourage each other to take responsibility for their own lives and to live dependently on the strength of God.
•
Admit your codependency
to your loved one and state that your behavior has been preventing both of you from being your own person.
– Apologize for being an enabler and announce plans to stop, beginning now.
– Explain specific behaviors that you will change.
– Describe the boundaries you will establish.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”
(P
ROVERBS
27:17).
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Allow repercussions
to be experienced when behavior is out of line (and it will happen).
– Do this each and every time inappropriate behavior occurs.
– Resolutely resist the urge to rescue your loved one.
– Consistently maintain your boundaries.
“Do not be deceived…A man reaps what he sows”
(G
ALATIANS
6:7).
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Stop providing support
for inappropriate behavior. For example…
–
For a child still in the home
, if you’ve been acting as a “helicopter parent” who hovers over a child’s every move, step back and allow room for him to succeed—or fail—and to take responsibility for his own actions. If he’s gambling with money you have given to him, stop giving him money. If he’s caught participating in a crime, don’t help him evade the law’s penalties. If you need to be protected from him, don’t hesitate to involve the police.
–
For an adult child
, if you’ve been paying bills for an addictive daughter who has been irresponsibly spending money—whether on classy clothes or cosmetics, trips or trinkets, drinking or drugs—it’s time to let her face the consequences of her poor choices.
If the only time your daughter contacts you is when she needs something from you, realize this isn’t a good relationship and explain that you would like to have a relationship with her but you will no longer be bailing her out because of her irresponsible lifestyle.
–
For a spouse
, if you have been lying to cover up your mate’s poor behavior—such as calling the boss to say, “I’m so sorry but my husband has the flu” when instead he has a hangover—make it clear that you will no longer lie to protect him.
– If you’ve allowed yourself to be treated disrespectfully, calmly insist that you and other family members be treated with the dignity and respect everyone deserves.
“The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction”
(P
ROVERBS
16:21).
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Expect resistance.
You will likely be accused of being unloving, uncaring, and un-Christian.
– Stand firm—consistency is critical. As you change your ways, you will find the family dynamics changing too.
– Realize that even if the struggler doesn’t change, your changes will garner the self-respect and peace of mind that comes from knowing you’re behaving in a way that genuinely is in his best interest and is pleasing to God.
– Enlist the support of your accountability partner and a close group of prayer partners to help you hold your ground and even to speak tough truths to you through the inevitable difficult moments.
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses”
(P
ROVERBS
27:6).
Too many times I’ve talked with codependent parents who have continued to “fund” their children’s drug habit, wives who have funded their husbands’ gambling addiction, husbands who have funded their wives’ compulsive spending, friends who have funded their friends’ compulsive eating. In doing so, they’ve only encouraged the addiction.
Boundaries are barriers that work like fences. They protect people from external harm and guard them against internal harm. Those involved with addicted strugglers need to learn how to set appropriate limits on what they do for their loved ones. These boundaries will help prevent them from taking on responsibilities that belong to their loved ones and that God intends to use to develop Christlike character within them.
Boundaries serve to keep the
struggler’s
problem from becoming
your
problem.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”
(P
ROVERBS
4:23).
As a rule, those who struggle with addictions require a tough, hard-hitting approach to help them break their dependencies—they need clear, nonnegotiable boundaries. They need the emotional support of those who will consistently reinforce responsible choices and enforce repercussions for irresponsible actions—thus providing the strugglers with opportunities for making positive changes.
Be aware that you could be “loving your loved one to death.” As the Bible says,
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death”
(P
ROVERBS
14:12).
In your role as both a boundary-setter and boundary-keeper…
•
Give up all expectations
of the struggler and put your hope in God alone to give you peace.
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him”
(P
SALM
62:5).
•
Learn to detach
from the struggler’s problem and take control of your own life.
“My eyes are ever on the L
ORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare”
(P
SALM
25:15).
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Shift your focus
from the struggler’s behavior to your responses.
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the L
ORD”
(L
AMENTATIONS
3:40).
•
Ask yourself
, “What is my role in this problem? Am I making it easy or difficult for the dependence to continue?”
“Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding”
(P
ROVERBS
4:7).
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Learn all you can
about addictions.
“Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life”
(P
ROVERBS
4:13).
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Stop enabling actions
(making excuses, protecting) and hold your loved one accountable.
“If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”
(E
CCLESIASTES
4:10).
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Determine to be a positive influence
and plan ways to do that effectively.
“Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress”
(1 T
IMOTHY
4:15).
•
Let the struggler know
the negative effects of their behavior on you and on others.
“Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully”
(E
PHESIANS
4:25).
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Write out
specific destructive events resulting from the dependency. Include everything!
“A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it”
(P
ROVERBS
22:3).
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Say to your struggler:
“I have seen how your behaviors have negatively impacted your life—it’s not right for me to keep enabling you in this behavior. Tell me now that you
will
or you
will not
be committed to doing whatever is necessary to bring about change.”
“The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception”
(P
ROVERBS
14:8).
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Pray for and expect God
to bring consequences into the struggler’s life.
“A man’s ways are in full view of the L
ORD
, and he examines all his paths”
(P
ROVERBS
5:21).
God has worked miracles in the lives of so many who have had misplaced dependencies on others, turning frustration and futility into lives of peace and fulfillment—lives of loving others, but with healthy boundaries. But they all had to face the truth that they were wrong, that their lives were too enmeshed with, too dependent on, too controlled by another person. They needed to face the truth that through the strength of Christ, they could change. And when they acted on the truth, the truth set them free. As Jesus said,
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free…So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed”
(J
OHN
8:32,36).
