How to Make Love All Night (and Drive Your Woman Wild) (And Drive a Woman Wild : Male Multiple Orgasm and Other Secrets for Prolonged Lovemaking) (7 page)

—
Frank, age 58

With the buildup I need to have more than one orgasm, the crown of my penis gets extremely sensitive and tingly. If I stretch it out long enough, my first orgasm feels like the top of my head is blowing off.

—
Thomas, age 41

I don’t have multiple orgasms or nonejaculatory orgasms every time I have sex. Sometimes I have sex just as a release or a way to be close with my partner before I fall asleep. But I have sex with

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nonejaculatory orgasms when I really want to take some time and have an intense experience.

—
Edward, age
27

When I first heard about this I thought there is no way that having an orgasm without an ejaculation could feel the same. I thought it would feel disappointing, or like I’d missed something. But it’s not like that at all. Now I am really feeling what is happening during orgasm.

Before, it would happen so fast that I wasn’t even aware of what I was feeling.

—
Justin, age 33

Are you feeling a little more convinced? I have heard com-ments like these over and over and over again. I’m not surprised anymore, but I’m always impressed. I bet you’re impressed too, but I bet you’re also getting anxious. We can talk and talk and talk about the wonders of male multiple orgasm, but there comes a time when you’ve got to get down to business. Every day, more and more men are becoming multiorgasmic, and I think it’s time you had your chance.

C H A P T E R S I X

LEARNING TO TOUCH,

LEARNING TO FEEL

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T
he material in this chapter always reminds me of two of my very first clients, Andrew and Eleanor. Andrew and Eleanor came to my office because Eleanor was extremely distressed by Andrew’s lack of sensitivity during intercourse.

Eleanor said that having sex with Andrew was like having a drill on top of her. She complained that he was like a robot, pounding away, not even noticing when her head hit against the headboard of the bed. Andrew admitted how detached he felt from his body during sex. He also admitted to being quite anxious. Andrew felt that if he didn’t perform in exactly this fashion either he would lose his erection or Eleanor would lose interest.

The thought of slowing down and experiencing intercourse

“in the moment” was totally foreign to Andrew. At first, it was also a bit anxiety provoking. I knew that Andrew needed to slow down and learn to appreciate his own body before he could appreciate his wife. That’s why I began his therapy by teaching him certain sensate focus exercises, which he could do with Eleanor, or by himself, that would help him experience his own body. In this chapter, I’m going to teach you many of these same exercises. This is not to imply that I think all men are as out of touch with their bodies as Andrew was. These techniques are invaluable for any man, regardless of his current level of awareness.

Men, as we all know, tend to be very target oriented. They want to get it up and get it in. As far as most women are concerned, this makes for very uninteresting sex. But it also makes it extremely difficult for a man to have a multiple orgasm. This chapter will help you develop a greater appreciation

70 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

for the changes in your physiology as they are continually taking place during arousal. It will help you more fully experience your most pleasurable bodily sensations as they are happening, and set the stage for prolonging and intensifying each of these sensations.

Getting sensitized to your own arousal process is really important if you want to become multiorgasmic. A good pilot doesn’t just know how to fly; a good pilot knows the work-ings of the airplane inside and out. A virtuoso doesn’t just play an instrument; a virtuoso has an intimate relationship with the instrument. The same thing applies to sex. It’s not enough to just own a penis. You need to be intimate with the many nuances of your own sexual response if you want to learn the special techniques in the following chapters and master the art of male multiple orgasm.

What Exactly Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus techniques are structured sensual touching exercises designed by sex therapists to help men and women focus on, appreciate, and control the moment-to-moment experiences of contact, arousal, and release. These well-established techniques create a level of physiological awareness that leads to extraordinary control over the different phases of excitement, orgasm, and ejaculation.

We are going to use sensate focus techniques in most of our exercises. These are not sex acts. They are very loving, very pleasurable ways of making contact with a partner.

Arousal is not the goal here.

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Orgasm is not the goal. Your only goal is full appreciation of the sensations you are about to experience.

Sensate Focus Takes You into Your Body

For many people, sex in an ongoing relationship has a way of becoming a bit routine. Are you concerned because something that was once so charged and passionate has lost a lot of its punch? Are you always searching for new fantasies to keep the fire alive? Well, sensate focus is going to change all of that.

I think that one of the main reasons sex loses its spark is because of the way we all rush through the process. As far as I’m concerned, most people are having sex too darn fast.

It seems as though everyone is in such a hurry to get to the point of orgasm that they are missing all of the wonderful things that happen to their body, and to their partner’s body, along the way. If you want to make your sex life more exciting and more erotic, I think the very first thing you need to do is stop rushing. And that’s where sensate focus comes in.

Sensate focus techniques slow you down. They take you into your body and into your partner’s body in ways you have probably never experienced before. I think fantasies are wonderful, but fantasies tend to take us out of our bodies and into our heads. Sometimes, I think that can be the wrong direction. Personally, I think that what we really need to enhance our experience of sex is not more fantasy, 72 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

but a much bigger dose of reality. Sensate focus gives you that reality. It focuses your attention and your energy and lets you appreciate every single erotic nuance of your arousal and your partner’s arousal. To me, that’s the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Play by the Rules

Before we begin, you need to know the three rules of sensate focus:

RULE 1:
Pay attention to exactly where you are touching or where you are being touched. Try to stay as focused as possible.

RULE 2:
Stay in the here and now. Don’t think about what happened last week or what could happen next Thursday.

Try to let go of anything that is not happening at this very moment.

RULE 3:
Don’t put any pressure on yourself. If you’re working with a partner, don’t put any pressure on her either.

Sex therapists call this “nondemand interaction.” I will call the sensate focus exercises “demand-free” or “pressure-free”

exercises. There are no grades here, no good and bad, no right or wrong, just touching and being touched.

Preparing for the Exercises

From this point forward, I recommend you do all of the exercises in the book in a quiet room that is free from distractions. You are going to need a comfort-

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able bed (you may prefer a comfortable chair for the solo exercises). You are also going to need some K-Y jelly, baby oil, massage oil, cream, or other lubricant. Be sure to use a lubricant that does not irritate the genitals—for women, K-Y jelly is usually the safest choice. Keep a clean towel handy.

If you use condoms, have them by the bedside within easy reach.

You may find it helpful to have a clock to keep you from completely losing track of the time. If there is a telephone in the room, turn it off. If there are children in the house, they should be sound asleep or with a babysitter. The room should be lit according to your preferences, but I don’t recommend playing any music. You need to focus as much as possible on the sensations you are about to experience.

If you were learning these techniques at our offices, the setup would be no different. We provide a quiet room with a bed, lubricants, clock, towel, etc. There is no special equipment that is required.

Learning the Genital Caress

There are many different sensate focus techniques. For the purposes of this book, however, there is only one technique that you need to learn: the genital caress. You can learn the sensate focus genital caress with a partner (Exercise 4) or by yourself (Exercise 5). You are going to need about one hour for Exercise 4 and thirty minutes for Exercise 5.

74 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

Exercise 4: Touch of Heaven (with a partner) In this exercise, one partner will play the
active
role while the other plays the
passive
role. Then you will switch in the middle so no one feels shortchanged.

Let’s say that the woman is going to be the passive partner first. The first thing she needs to do is lie on her back and get very comfortable. She needs to take her time and get completely relaxed. This exercise does not begin until the passive partner is completely relaxed.

As the active partner, you are going to start slowly, gently stroking the front of her body for about fifteen or twenty minutes. The style of touching is called a caress. When you caress, you touch in a very, very slow, focused fashion. Because this is a genital caress, your stroking is going to focus primarily on her genitals, though it does not have to be limited to her genitals.

Slowly
start to caress her genitals with your fingers or mouth, touching both the outside and inside of her vagina.

Use lots of lubrication. Focus intently on the areas you are touching. Pay careful attention to what they feel like and what they look like. Absorb yourself in those sensations.

Remember that this is a demand-free exercise. You are not touching to please her or to turn her on. You are touching to please
you
. That takes the pressure off her and it also takes the pressure off you.

All your partner needs to do is lie still, relax, and feel her sensations. She should stay completely passive, with her eyes closed. She shouldn’t move. She should not try to reciprocate.

She should not

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talk unless you are making her uncomfortable. She needs only to let herself feel your touch. If she gets distracted, she needs to gently bring her focus back to where you are touching her. If you notice her body getting tense, lightly pat her on the leg as a signal for her to relax. Try to stay as focused as possible, deeply absorbed in touching her and the way that feels. If your mind starts wandering, you need to gently refocus your mind on the caress. It doesn’t matter how many times your mind strays. All that matters is that each time you recognize the shift, you bring yourself back to the exercise.

This is a wonderful technique for learning to relax and connect to your feelings. Your only goal is to get as much pleasure as possible for yourself while your partner is getting as much pleasure as possible for herself. If you find yourself getting mechanical or getting bored with your caressing, slow down. Chances are, you aren’t letting yourself really be in the moment.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: If you start rubbing your partner’s clitoris or trying to turn her on in some way, she will be able to feel the shift in your intentions. She is playing the passive role and is not supposed to respond in any way. So don’t try to change the rules. Stick with the program.

Now it’s your turn. Once you’ve played the active role for about twenty minutes, you are ready to switch roles. (Of course, you can take longer if

76 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

you wish.) This time, the man will be taking the
passive
role.

Lie down comfortably on your back with your legs slightly spread. Let your arms rest at your sides, or place them under your head. Once you have settled into a position, try not to change it.

Your partner will spend the next twenty or so minutes caressing the front of your body, concentrating primarily on caressing your genitals. I recommend she uses baby oil or some other lubricant you both like. She can caress you with her hands, with her mouth, or with both.

Your job is to stay focused on her touch, and how it feels.

Don’t move around and don’t talk. Let your partner explore the feeling of touching your penis and scrotum.

It does not matter whether or not you get an erection. A soft penis should feel as good to her as a hard penis, just different. She is only focusing on the sensation of touching you, not on your arousal (and not on hers). If you do get an erection, it is very important to understand that you don’t have to do anything with it. All you need to do right now is enjoy the sensations of your own arousal.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: Make sure your partner knows that her goal is not to turn you on. All she is supposed to do is touch you in a way that
feels good to
her
.

Don’t flex your PC muscle during this exercise. Don’t hold your breath. Just close your eyes, relax, HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL NIGHT / 77

and focus on her caresses. If you become very aroused and you ejaculate, that’s okay. Just let your partner wipe you off and continue her caress. The important thing is that you don’t try to force anything.

If your partner senses that you are tensing up, she should signal you to relax by gently tapping you on the leg. The only time you should talk to her is if she is doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, just release yourself into the moment and enjoy the sensations.

If you find yourself drifting off, gently bring your focus back to where your partner is touching you. It doesn’t matter how often you drift. Just practice bringing yourself back into the moment.

If you don’t have a partner, or if you prefer to practice by yourself, the sensate focus genital caress is still quite pleasurable. It is important to remember that this is not a masturbation exercise. It is a way of experiencing the many rich sensations of your own arousal. Ejaculation is not a goal. If it happens, that’s fine, but you are not trying to
make
it happen.