How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (53 page)

•
God hates violence. “The L
ORD
examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates” (Psalm 11:5).

•
God judges those who are violent. “God said to Noah, ‘I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence’” (Genesis 6:13).

•
God is angry with violent behavior. “Must they also fill the land with violence and continually provoke me to anger?” (Ezekiel 8:17).

•
God prohibits violent people from positions of church leadership. “Since an overseer is entrusted with God’s work, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain” (Titus 1:7).

•
God commands those who are violent to change. “Give up
your violence and oppression and do what is just and right” (Ezekiel 45:9).

Taking Action Against Abuse

Q
UESTION
:
“How do I know if I should take action when I or someone I know is a victim of abuse?”

A
NSWER
:
Whenever anyone, yourself included, is being abused, you need always to take some sort of action, even if it does not involve confronting the abuser. A safe rule of thumb is to never confront an abuser in a way or at a place that would put you in harm’s way.

•
If you know you are not being led by the Lord to confront, then do not confront.

•
If you think you are to confront but it is not safe to do so alone, take someone with you who can keep the situation physically and emotionally safe for you. Generally speaking, there is safety in numbers.

•
If someone is being abused and the person is powerless to stop the abuse, intervene on the person’s behalf. Either confront the abuser yourself, report the abuse to someone who can confront, or direct the victim to someone for counseling and protection.

•
If the victim is a minor, the abuse must always be reported to legal authorities where required by law. Even if it is not required by law, it should still be reported.

•
If the abused person has not directly asked for your help, a good first step is to state simply and kindly that you are available should that person ever need to talk or need anything else. This will help the person to realize that someone cares and that help is available.

Righteous Job related the role and reputation he had as a rescuer:

“Whoever heard me spoke well of me,
and those who saw me commended me,
because I rescued the poor who cried for help,
and the fatherless who had none to assist him”

(J
OB
29:11-12).

They’re all around us, but seldom do you know it, for they are masterful at masking their pain.

Sadly, one out of every three women worldwide is a victim of abuse. And these women come from all walks of life—yes,
all
! We find them among the rich and poor, the young and old, the educated and not, the employed and not, the religious or not. Abuse abides by no boundaries.

It can be your favorite aunt or your friend who sits with you at a little café for lunch. You may very well know someone who perhaps just last night was dragged to the floor and beaten. Those long sleeves she’s wearing—year round—could be a hint of horrific abuse at home.

Abused women shroud themselves in secrecy to cover up their painful emotions, bruises, and gashes. However, God not only sees the abuse, but will also hold the abuser accountable for his degrading, violent behavior. The Bible says,

“Because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart,
you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath”

(R
OMANS
2:5).

Like a volcano, abuse doesn’t start with a sudden outburst of physical force, but rather with intense, internal pressure that builds to the point of eruption. Abusive patterns develop in three stages that are cyclical, becoming increasingly violent with each progressive stage.

Family members who fall victim to the repercussions of these stages feel traumatized by the mere anticipation of a violent outburst. Unfortunately, the escalating nature of abuse is not curbed without intense intervention and appropriate accountability. From the psalmist comes a clear call to action:

“Call him [the wicked and evil man] to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out”

(P
SALM
10:15).

The Cycle of Abuse
²²

—Anxiety and tension mark the beginning phase of abuse. The abusive husband communicates dissatisfaction over something small and blames his wife. Then by inflicting verbal and emotional abuse, he maintains
passive psychological
control over his wife, thus creating a fear of some type of pain.

—During this stage, many victims buy into the lies spoken to them and accept responsibility for an abusive mate’s unhappiness. Therefore, they try to adjust their own behavior in an effort to appease the abuser and thereby relieve the tension in their homes. However, these efforts only provoke more anger because the abuser does not want to be appeased, but to explode.

“From the fruit of his lips a man enjoys good things,
but the unfaithful have a craving for violence”

(P
ROVERBS
13:2).

—In this phase, the pressure becomes so intense that the abuser erupts and gives full vent to rage. When violent behavior is unleashed, family members, outsiders, or police are often called on to defuse the rage.

—This acute stage of
aggressive
behavior doesn’t last long, but over time these overpowering outbursts become more frequent and more dangerous.

“An angry man stirs up dissension,
and a hot-tempered one commits many sins”

(P
ROVERBS
29:22).

—During this “honeymoon phase,” the abuser becomes contrite, even sweet, and the abused feels soothed by these outwardly loving actions. With renewed hope for change and the deep desire to have a successful marriage, the abused views these overtures as genuine, heartfelt apologies and extends forgiveness.

—But, as with all honeymoons, they don’t last, and the cycle of anger occurs again…and again…and again.

—This temporary honeymoon phase is characterized by the victimizer’s dramatic transformation from being villainous to virtuous.

—This transformation is generally demonstrated by some or all of the following behaviors:

• acceptance of responsibility	• helpfulness	• promises
• apologies	• peacemaking	• remorse
• bargaining	• penitence	• tears
• gifts	• pleading	• romance

However, God says there is a vast difference between remorse and repentance, between regretting past behavior and changing future behavior:

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation
and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
7:10).

In an abusive marriage, both spouses bring emotional deficits into the relationship, creating an unhealthy dynamic. For the cycle of abuse to be broken, one person in the relationship must change. Either the abuser must stop abusing or the abused must stop accepting abuse.

The abusive husband
needs to stop perceiving his wife as a piece of property and instead recognize that he is inflicting pain on a precious
person
created in the image of God—a person highly valued by God. This change of mind-set will make a real difference in the relationship.

The abused wife
needs to place her dependence on God rather than falsely believing she cannot function without her abusive husband. A change of mind-set will help bring change in an abusive relationship.

It takes only one person to break free from the painful cycle that keeps them both in a downward spiral. Though difficult, release is possible, especially through the power of the Lord.

“My eyes are ever on the L
ORD
,
for only he will release my feet from the snare”

(P
SALM
25:15).

The Setup for Abuse

Notice the characteristics and attitudes exhibited by the husband and wife within an abusive relationship:

The psalmist accurately describes the anguish of the abused:

“If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him. But it is you…my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship”

(P
SALM
55:12-14).

There is always a price to be paid for pain—a loss to be incurred by the recipient of abusive words and hurtful acts. The cost is often unseen, an extensive, inner deprivation that can continue to damage the soul for a lifetime. How ironic that the tongue can serve as both an instrument of healing and an inflictor of heartache!

“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,
but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit”