How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (52 page)

Because many men believe that their wives are to be submissive to all their desires, many women experience sexual abuse—some even without realizing it. Place a check mark (
) beside any of the following that you have experienced.

Sexual abuse
includes:

___
Sexually
degrading attitudes and treatment

___
Discrimination
based on gender

___
Withholding
sexual intimacy and romance

___
Unjust
accusations of extramarital affairs

___
Brazen
flirtation with members of the opposite sex

___
Misuse
of Scripture to justify sex “on demand”

___
Threats
of forced sex

___
Threats
of going elsewhere for sexual gratification

___
Adultery

___
Obscene
gestures

___
Forced
sex (mate rape)

___
Sodomy
(forced oral or anal sex)

___
Homosexual
acts (rejecting sexual fidelity with wife)

___
Forced
involvement in perverse sexual acts

___
Using
objects on sexual parts

___
Forced
exposure to pornography

___
Coerced
sexual acts with others

The writer of Hebrews firmly states God’s position on the sexual relationship in marriage:

“Marriage should be honored by all,
and the marriage bed kept pure,
for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral”

(H
EBREWS
13:4).

Forced Marital Sex

Q
UESTION
:
“Is it ever right for a husband to demand sex from or force sex on his wife?”

A
NSWER
:
No. God’s purpose for sex in marriage is for procreation and for pleasure.

Sex within marriage is designed to establish a bond, not a barrier.

•
Forced sex is rape.

•
Forced sex produces fear that also prevents intimacy.

•
Forced sex is lust, not love.

“Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t…force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first’ ”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
13:4-5
MSG
).

Husbands/men who are abused
by women…

— Are most often passive, sick, or elderly

— Are usually too embarrassed to reach out for help because they fear ridicule

— Are often regarded as objects of revenge by the wives they’ve abused

— Are entitled to the same legal protection from civil authorities as wives who are abused

— Are provided the same rights as women to take the same course of action

— Are often victimized by women previously abused by males in childhood

Wives who abuse
men…

— Are often still angry at males who abused them in childhood

— Are often still angry at their husbands for previously abusing them

Women who overgeneralize and say, “
All
men are alike” or who have only negative things to say about men will one day have to face their failure to live up to the following scripture:

“Do not accuse a man for no reason—
when he has done you no harm”

(P
ROVERBS
3:30).

Characteristics of Abusive Women

Q
UESTION
:
“What are some characteristics of women who are abusive toward men?”

A
NSWER
:
The characteristics often fall into three categories:
¹⁶

•
Alcohol abuse
—Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.

•
Psychological disorders
—At least 50 percent of women who abuse or are violent toward men are afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP), which also contributes to suicide,
chronic lying, erratic moods, sexual difficulties, and addiction to alcohol.

•
Unrealistic expectations
—Women who have unrealistic expectations of their relationship with men may, as a result, blame the shortcomings of men for their depression, anxiety, or caustic behavior.

“The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down”

(P
ROVERBS
14:1).

His words are repugnant and his philosophy is reprehensible—especially to God, the Creator of women as well as of men.

The young Austrian philosopher Otto Weininger intended to create a wave of public debate with his 1903 work
Sex and Character
, but instead had to settle for a ripple of controversy as his treatise on the sexes was largely discredited by academia. Among other things, Weininger stated, “The complete female knows neither a logical nor a moral imperative, and the words law, duty, duty to oneself are the words that sound most alien to her,” and “Genius is identical to depth. Just try to connect the words deep and woman… and everybody will hear the contradiction.”
¹⁷

Otto Weininger was a misogynist, a hater of women—a miserable, misguided man who ended his life by suicide. The last Scripture verse a misogynist would want to read is 1 Corinthians 11:7, which proclaims, “The woman is the glory of man.”

•
Misogyny
is “hatred and distrust of women.”
¹⁸
The word
misogyny
comes from the Greek word
misogynia
(
misein
, which means “to hate,” and
gune
, which means “woman”).
¹⁹

•
Misogynists
have often experienced mental, emotional, or physical harm from women during childhood, or they have been “brainwashed” to believe that women are bad, cruel, or completely inept and irresponsible. Therefore, they overgeneralize and assume all women are the same. Their behavior toward women, especially their own wives, reflects the bitterness and hatred stored within their hearts.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him,
and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him”

(M
ATTHEW
12:35).

•
Misogynists…

— Have a gender prejudice against all women

— Think women are weak and thus despise them

— Feel both threatened and enraged by a woman’s tears

— Act both lovingly and hatefully toward women

— Primarily use mental and emotional abuse to control women

The words of the wise King Solomon can be applied to the misogynist:

“There is a time when a man lords it over others to his own hurt”

(E
CCLESIASTES
8:9).

Her words are equally repugnant, and her philosophy is equally reprehensible—especially to God, who is the Creator of men as well as women.

Valerie Solanas, who died in 1988, was a radical American feminist and misandrist who derived a measure of infamy not only for attempting to murder acclaimed pop art painter Andy Warhol, but also for founding SCUM, the Society for Cutting Up Men. Her accompanying manifesto was filled with revolting hate for men.

While many of her words about men are clearly cutting and cruel, others can only be deemed as deeply deranged: “To call a man an animal is to flatter him…” And, “Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation, and destroy the male sex.”
²⁰

As we can expect, the Bible presents a view opposite of that held by misandrists:

“A man…is the image and glory of God”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
11:7).

As with misogyny, God is both angered by and anguishes over the
attitudes and actions of those who belittle and berate anyone created in His image. “In the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).

•
Misandry
is the hatred and/or oppression of males.

•
Misandrists
have typically experienced some form of abuse at the hands of significant males during their childhood or adult years. As a result, they
overgeneralize
and reason that all men are going to act in a similar fashion toward them. Their behavior toward men, especially their husbands, reflects the bitterness, fear, and hatred stored within their hearts.

•
Misandrists…

— Harbor prejudice against all men

— Think all men are evil, sexually abusive, oppressive, or violent

— Fear the strength of a male, assuming his strength will be used to subjugate or abuse

— Alternate between loving and hateful actions toward men

— Manipulate men with sex and punish them with mental and emotional abuse

Many prostitutes are misandrists, and the writer of Proverbs warns against such women:

“Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths.
Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng.
Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death”

(P
ROVERBS
7:25-27).

Neither victimizer nor victim can escape the penetrating gaze of God.

The victimizer
who has become desensitized to the violence he inflicts needs to remember that God is noting every slap, punch, and word that harms the victim. Unless there is confession and repentance, a day of accounting and judgment is coming.

The victim
who is continually abused by a mate and has become desensitized to the pervasive presence of God needs to remember not to mistake the
silence of God for the absence of God. God has taken note of
every
abusive incident, and as you pour out your heart to Him, He will always be with you, even during times of suffering.

Never think of God as just a bystander in life who passively watches as the innocent suffer and the wicked prosper. Never! In fact, He became a part of our tragically broken world as the son of the Virgin Mary. Jesus persistently endured unjust suffering, and it all climaxed at the most pivotal point in history, the crucifixion. God the Father watched God the Son’s suffering with a broken heart even though He knew that only His Son’s death could pay the penalty for the sins of the world.

When the deepest part of your heart cries His name, He responds with deep love and compassion. And even though God’s purpose for allowing you to suffer may seem shrouded in a cloud of mystery and you cannot see His hand at work in your life, you can always trust His heart because…

“God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble”

(P
SALM
46:1).

God’s Heart on Violence