How To Succeed in Evil (36 page)
Read How To Succeed in Evil Online
Authors: Patrick E. McLean
“W-w-what?”
“Did they find a body?”
“N-n-no.”
The man swings his legs out of the bed and tries to stand. His legs have atrophied and won’t hold him. He slides onto the floor. “Well, yippie ki-a,” he says, disgusted at his weakness.
“Take it easy,” says Nurse Kim, “You’ve been in bed for a long time.” She checks his chart rather than going to help him. This man has a crazy light in his eye that she’s not comfortable with. “Three months.”
The man curses and struggles to get to his feet. After a minute he claws his way back onto the bed. As Nurse Kim watches this, she asks, “Where do you have to be in such a hurry, Mister Doe?”
“Heh, John Doe hunh. My name’s Augustus, but all my lady friends call me 'Gus.”
“Well, why are you in such a hurry Gus?”
“I’m going to go find him. I'm going to find Excelsior.”
“But he’s dead.”
“If they didn’t find a body, he’s still alive. He’s just farted off somewhere to feel sorry for himself.” Gus’ voice is so raspy, it causes Nurse Kim sympathetic pain.
“Can I get you a glass of water?”
“Yeah.” Nurse Kim turns to leave the room. Gus’ voice stops her in the doorway, “And get me some cigarettes. I could just about kill for a cigarette.”
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The World’s Most Dangerous About the Author Blurb.
You know those “About the Author” blurbs that begin with poignant details from the writer’s childhood? The one’s that quickly move through a series of credentials and accomplishments so impressive that they make you feel that if you don’t buy a book then everyone will recognize you for the uncultured Phillistine that you are? Yeah, this is not that kind of author blurb. This is the other kind.
This is an about the author blurb that actually tells you about the author. If you stick with this blurb it will tell you that Patrick has been shot, has fallen off a mountain, was once framed for a crime he did not commit – that he has gambled with his rent money and knows how to replace the water pump in a 1966 Chrysler. It will also explain to you that, much like a lost boy raised by wolves, he was brought up by economists and can interpret the strange dances and guttural utterances of their dismal tribe.
But most of all this blurb wants you to know that Patrick can write. That he puts words and concepts and characters together in a way that will make your synapses light up like an accident in an unlicensed fireworks factory. Yes, a substance that powerful should be illegal. But before that happens, you’ve got a chance to go to
www.patrickemclean.com
to get more of his writing.
If you don’t use this chance, Patrick won’t hold it against you. After all, he’s a nice, easy-going kind of guy. But this Blurb will know. And believe me, this is one “About the Author” blurb you don’t want to cross.
© 2005-2011 by Patrick E. McLean
Published by good words (right order)
www.patrickemclean.com
Table of Contents
Chapter One - A Lot of Words He Doesn't Know
Chapter Two - Vorld Domination
Chapter Three - Ghosts of Clients Past
Chapter Four - A Child of Faded Empire
Chapter Five - It's a Par Four Life
Chapter Six - There's Money and Then There is MONEY
Chapter Seven - Excelsior on the Beach
Chapter Eight - A Giant Laser in Space
Chapter Nine - What Do You Want Mr. Windsor?
Chapter Ten - Cindi with an 'i'
Chapter Eleven - Edwin Dresses for Dinner
Chapter Twelve - Empress Josephine?
Chapter Thirteen - Following the Protocol
Chapter Fourteen - Just a Consultant
Chapter Fifteen - Using the 'Asset'
Chapter Sixteen - Edwin Makes His Pitch
Chapter Seventeen - Search Your Feelings
Chapter Eighteen - Nothing Right for Agnes
Chapter Nineteen - Excelsior Fights the Hurricane
Chapter Twenty - Marauding Through The Night
Chapter Twenty-One - The Rescue
Chapter Twenty-Two - 23 Seconds
Chapter Twenty-Three - A New Suit
Chapter Twenty-Four - Cotton Candy
Chapter Twenty-Five - Barry BASH!
Chapter Twenty-Six - Enlisting the Little Savage
Chapter Twenty-Seven - Reasoning with Barry
Chapter Twenty-Eight - Wrecking a Building
Chapter Twenty-Nine - A Blackjack Toting Angel
Chapter Thirty - Topper Gives a Pep Talk
Chapter Thirty-One - Calling Forth Nemesis
Chapter Thirty-Two - How to Make Advantage from Avalanche
Chapter Thirty-Three - Down But Not Out
Chapter Thirty-Four - The Cromoglodon is Born
Chapter Thirty-Five - Taking a Meeting
Chapter Thirty-Six - The Pitch
Chapter Thirty-Seven - Excelsior Speaks
Chapter Thirty-Eight - A Giant Illusion in SPACE
Chapter Thirty-Nine - Somewhere Over Kansas
Chapter Forty - Mr. The Magnificent
Chapter Forty-One - Agnes vs. Mistivio
Chapter Forty-Two - The Death of Culture
Chapter Forty-Three - Edwin Dresses for the Funeral
Chapter Forty-Four - A Eulogy for Agnes
Chapter Forty-Five - Negatively Buoyant
Chapter Forty-Six - Serving the Process
Chapter Forty-Seven - Backrooms
Chapter Forty-Eight - A Reasonable Disagreement
Chapter Forty-Nine - Get Him to Pop
Chapter Fifty - Gus in the Hospital
Chapter Fifty-One - Excelsior Throws the Gauntlet
Chapter Fifty-Two - The Front Nine
Chapter Fifty-Three - The Turn
Chapter Fifty-Four - The Back Nine
Chapter Fifty-Five - The Last Hole
Chapter Fifty-Six - Out of Business?
Chapter Fifty-Seven - The Trap is Baited
Chapter Fifty-Eight - The Reckoning
Chapter Fifty-Nine - Hero or Villain?
Chapter Sixty - The Man in Room Three
