How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (36 page)

Buying a home is said to be one of the most stressful things you can do in your life, well now you can see why. Double the stress if you are doing it alone as everything is your fault, your responsibility and your cheque-book – but just think, you will have your own space and your own peace and quiet. And don’t worry if the whole process brings on a nervous breakdown: you have just taken out some good health insurance.

Remember that you cannot go and splurge at the sales; home buying is made harder because retail therapy is an out-of-price-range temptation. Keep shopping out of sight, and out of mind at this time.

But back to your offer; you are so nearly there. If you are competing with another wannabe buyer, help things along.

Are there any (working) household appliances you can offer to buy? Any furniture that you could bear to pay to stay?

Write a personal letter to the vendor expressing how this home was built for you and is the key to your future happiness.

If there is still no joy, and the offer of a couple of thousand for the ugliest sofas ever seen has not tipped the balance, pull out the trump card.

Offer to pay the estate agent’s fees for them. Remember that if you are buying a property you have to consider the stamp duty and council tax before you make a raised offer. Try to give them a lump sum that does not affect your main offer, without doing any dodgy cash backhanders.

Play fair – but play to win. In offering to pay the estate agent’s fees you will be giving them approximately 10 per cent of the property value, and you will ensure that all the vendor has experienced from this sale is profit. And don’t forget, when all is completed and you are settling in, always say thank you to the estate agent, and they will help you if you ever attempt this again.

How to move in with the right person

So are you going to live alone? Or are you going to find a flatmate? It can be fun to live with a friend, but are you compatible? Do you know about their tuba-playing tendencies and tarantula farm? Everyone has a few wacky habits; just check that you are living with some one who is below average with these. You do not want to move in with someone and discover you have a real-life
Single White Female
situation going on.

If you are renting you are making less of a long-term commitment, but if you are interviewing potential flatmates try to suss out any psychotic behaviour before handing over the spare keys. The same applies with moving in with your other half. If you have been dating for only a week it is too soon; likewise, if you have been living together for over eight years and there has never been any discussion or hint of a wedding ring (and this is what you are hankering for) throw him/his clothes out of the bedroom window. Do not get a mortgage with a fling or casual ‘distraction’; you need to know more than the surname of the person you are signing up with, and what if something better comes along? You will have double the amount of form filling and trouble.

How to install a burglar alarm

The older makes are notoriously complex to install, and could often result in a police call-out for an irregular opening of the fridge, but the newer models are infinitely more user-friendly. They are now wireless, and affordable, so every home can have security sensors and panic buzzers. You should always make sure you house is secure. Chains and bolts should be added to doors, as well as extra catches to windows. There is no point investing in creating your dream home if some larrikin is going to come in and loot it, is there? And, if you opt for a fancy model, they also send a fancy man to set it all up for you.

How to find lost keys

Keys, glasses and make-up are the three things, in that order, that you must never lose. Choose early on a regular resting place for your keys, and ensure that when you are not using them they are kept there, in the bowl, on a hook, or even locking the door from the inside (when safely inside). If, however, you are the type of person who is incapable of keeping keys in a sensible space: admit it.

If you know that you frequently lose your house keys, you need to take steps. Purchase key rings to help. A Tiffany’s key ring will be so delicious you will never want it out of your sight, but an equally successful alternative is to get a key ring with a built-in beep. (Providing that you keep the battery topped up.) They act as a calling system, and if the keys haven’t gone too far, you can clap your hands to activate the beep. You can then follow the sound till you are reunited. Just one note of caution: don’t forget to turn the system off at concerts and meetings because any clapping will cause them to join in.

Hand out spare sets to reliable friends and approachable neighbours.

How to be stylish when locked out

If you find that the wind suddenly whips up and blows the door shut, leaving you on the doorstep, or you dash to work and leave them in yesterday’s handbag, there are several steps to take.

First, assess the urgency: look yourself up and down. How dressed are you? Fully or nearly or not at all? This will determine the urgency with which you need to get back inside.

Next, survey the door – is it tightly shut? Give it a push. Damn it.

Do you live on the ground floor? (If you have a house this will also include you.) Have you left any windows open? Or any other way in?

If you live a few floors up, can you see any windows or balconies that look open enough to make scaling the building worthwhile? If you are only in a towel, rule that out, speed is of the essence. Knock on a neighbour’s door, regardless of how well, or not, you know them, and, covering as much of your modesty as possible, explain the predicament you are in, as if it is not perfectly obvious. You need to borrow a ladder and warn them you are not a burglar but a resident before you start climbing the walls.

Do you have a phone with you? Is there anyone close by who has a spare key? You might ask the neighbours to use their phone, or indeed to give you a cup of tea to calm your frayed nerves; see how friendly they are.

Then, if you have tried windows and possible key holders and got nowhere, it is time to call out a locksmith. This is expensive, so exhaust all other options first. Once safely inside, locate keys and scold them. Vow never to do that again.

How to put up a tent

Should you ever be conned into sleeping under the stars in a field, make sure that someone sensible is in charge of the sleeping arrangements. If the word ‘tent’ is suggested, you might question whether this is the trip for you, or indeed how well these people know you. But fear not; if you march straight into your nearest Millets, Blacks or local ‘outdoory’ stores you can see the latest varieties that are on offer. Forget the nightmares you remember from Girl Guide camp, it is now possible to purchase waterproof, unzippable numbers. With these you simply unzip, shake, and done. The tent will leap into life, like a pop-up, all by itself; it’s like microwave meals, people might scoff at them, but why make life any more complicated than necessary? If you are with hardened campers who think this is a cop-out, bad luck – get them to put up the tent themselves. It is so last season to do it the hard way.

How to Handle Mains and Mice

‘The attempt and not the deed confounds us’
William Shakespeare

How to find the electrics mains

Every time you poke a fork into a toaster to retrieve a piece of toast, you are potentially dicing with death. Metals
conduct
electricity and you do not want to be the circuit through which it flows. Rubber, plastics and wood are not able to transfer electrical supplies; this is why they are called ‘grounding’ or ‘earthing’ materials, as they conduct the electricity away from you. Leave the Russian roulette of what will conduct electricity to others, and know when to get a ‘man who can’.

That said, electrics are not something to shy away from totally and there are times when you do need to have some handy-man competence about the house.

Every dwelling has electrical mains, and you need to locate where they are hidden. First place to play I-Spy is under the stairs. If you don’t have any stairs, are there any likely looking cupboards? Or any multi-switch boxes on show? NOT likely to be under the sink or near water as that is a dangerous mix. Once you’ve found it you’ll see the mains are made up of ‘trip’ switches that are able to bounce on and off and can cut the main supply in emergencies. If you are installing an electrical object, light fitting or switch, you have to turn the electricity off at the mains while you do this. You need to remember to switch it back on when you are finished so that the power will come back on.

How to open a plug

A plug (and no, we are not talking about the bath variety here) is most commonly a black or white insulated plastic-coated device with metal pins, that fits, like Cinderella’s foot into the glass slipper, into the electrical sockets. These are most likely found in the walls, around skirting board level, and they make the electrical circuit connection complete.

In the unhappy event that your appliance does
not
have a plug pre-fitted, or in case you venture into antique, foreign or other electrical territory, you will need to know how to change to a UK three-pin plug. The only other time you may have to poke around inside a plug is if a fuse blows; but before you get too stressed out by this, there are now such things as fuse-friendly plugs. A fuse-friendly plug has a separate little slot that is just there to access the fuse, without the stress of opening the whole thing.

First things first, you need to open up the plug.

Warning: some plugs do not open up.
If this is the case take it back to the shop, or throw it away. Faulty plugs can be dangerous. Foreign two-pin plugs are a whole other ball game; this is how to deal with the three-pin plug.

Hold the plug in the palm of your left hand (please be right-handed on this job, if not you will need to purchase different screwdrivers and maybe even a different book . . .). With the plug secure in the left hand, the three pins should be pointing upwards, towards you. First of all look at the screw-heads. Like black opaque tights they may appear to be the same, but on closer inspection you discover that they are very different. Does the screw in front of you have a cross? A slit? Have you got the correct screwdriver for the job?

There will also be two small screws at the base of the plug, they are the cable grip screws – don’t waste wrist energy on them at the moment.

Take focus and aim on the big screw, the one in the middle. Tip: an electrical screwdriver is quite a chic choice here, as it has an insulted handle, not too dissimilar to a Prada Perspex wedge heel. An insulated handle ensures you won’t get an electric current passing through you; and also shows you if what you are touching has a live current in it. Note: when I say ‘electrical’ we are not talking about a plugged-in, current-pumping power screwdriver. No. This is, in fact, a manual screwdriver that is specific for electrical jobs. Just as you wouldn’t dream of playing tennis in stiletto slingbacks, attempting this job with an everyday screwdriver would also be a folly.

With screwdriver, loosen the screw by turning in an anti-clockwise direction. Remember that you need a steady hand and determination. Be warned: it is like some bottles of nail varnish, or ketchup, and it takes a bit of welly to get the screw moving.

How to change a fuse

‘Did they blow a fuse?’ is a phrase commonly associated with anger and a total explosion. Actually ‘blowing a fuse’ is the opposite, as it is what prevents a total explosion (electrical only) from happening. A fuse is a component of wire strips that goes within an electrical circuit to act as a buffer to excess electricity. It is also usually the crucial part that spies, heroes and James Bonds have to fiddle with when detonating a bomb.

Electrical fuses are much less intimidating than the name implies. They are like mini macaroni-sized dumb-bells.

The fuse lies proudly up the right side of the inside of a plug as you look at it, and is always connected to the live/brown wire. It rests in a spring-clip compartment, the fuse snapped in at each end. Changing a fuse will be no trouble – the hardest part was opening the plug. Taking your screwdriver, gently ease the tip of the tool under one end of the fuse (they are usually metal tipped) and flick it out of the holder with a click. It’s like using a shoehorn, really. Flick fuse out. Snap in a new one. That’s it!

Once the new fuse is in place, all you have to do is close the lid of the plug, and it’s all over.

For a ‘friendly’ fuse you simply take your three-pin plug, lay her legs up and you should spot a small rectangle-like post box. You don’t even need to unscrew the plug, darling. Slip your screwdriver in at one end of the post box and lean screwdriver to one side. The lid should now pop off and before you know it out rolls the fuse. Slip in a new fuse, snap lid shut, and pretend you did it the hard way.

How to change a plug

Looking at the inside of your plug you have three wires.

At the top is the earth wire, which is green, or yellow and green stripes. Think the earth, the environment, or the colour of Malvolio’s tights in
Twelfth Night
(this one may not be the most useful aide-memoire, but is good trivia). The next is the live wire. This brings the electricity to the appliance, and is next to the fuse, and is usually a nice terracotta brown, or mocha chocolate colour. Think James BROWN LIVE. Last is the neutral wire, which takes the electricity from the appliance to the mains, and this is a strong royal blue. Think ABBA’s eye shadow, or Superman flying in and neutralising crime. That help?

Remember: a circuit must be complete or else it doesn’t work. It’s just like a diamond necklace: the live and the neutral are the two ends; the earth is the clasp; and the fuse the safety chain (but that’s not always there, even though it should be), and it can’t hang about your neck without this all in place.