How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (37 page)

At the base of the plug you will see a cable (the fat wire that has all wires wrapped inside it), which runs into the plug under a cable grip. Tackle this first. Unscrew one side at a time until both ends of the plastic ledge are loose.

Unscrew one side completely, and just loosen the other. Then flick cable grip to one side – that way you don’t lose the grip, plus you minimise wobble factor on plug and the number of screws you could drop. Now this is undone you are free to unscrew the three screws that hold the pins and wires in place. When inside work top to toe, so first unscrew live, then neutral, then back round to the top, and out with earth. Gently pull out the wires, first brown, then blue, then green.

The wires and cable are now free and separated from the plug and you can replace it with a new plug. You may want to use this opportunity to replace an ugly white one for a nice sleek black one that fits your designer decor. Or you can join the proceedings halfway through and introduce three wires to a plug.

If you are fitting a new plug, look at the electrical cable you are going to apply it to. Are the wires ‘exposed’? In other words, can you see the three wires sprouting out from one big plastic-coated wire? If not, slight detour: you are going to need to strip away a bit more of the plastic coating to reveal them. Otherwise, these instructions will be about as successful as playing a CD still in its wrapper.

Take a mini pair of pliers, and squeeze them round the cable, about half an inch from the raw end. When you feel the outer plastic coating giving, oblige it by sliding it off the end. The sensation is similar to prising nail varnish off a nail. The important thing is not to cut all the way through the wire.

Now the wires will be on show. Locate the neutral blue wire; slip this in first, as this is the fiddliest to feed under its gap, by the fuse, and under the pin. Next the earth wire which tends to bend into its hole, followed finally by the live brown wire. If in any doubt as to who goes where, plugs always have handy illustrations that come with the packaging.

Once all three wires are happily ‘homed’ and screwed in place you are ready to lower the lid and screw the plug shut.

Et voilà, you have not only opened a plug, you have changed a fuse, navigated wires, and moved cables. They’ll have you in MI5 before you know it.

How to change a light bulb

If you are in the room when a light bulb goes, as well as the light going off, there is often a ‘pop’. This is your cue to replace it. First, check the light is switched off. Take out the old bulb. Do this by gently holding glass bulb and twisting. Do this carefully as you do not want the fine glass to shatter all over you. Now look at the base of the bulb. Is it the screw-in one? Or a bayonet? The bayonet is the trickier of the two and looks like Frankenstein’s head with the two little nodules sticking out either side. (References to bayonet swords and rifles may be more historically accurate, but are not helpful visual aides.)

Screw-fitting bulbs are simple; bayonets require a push in before you twist. Check which fitting is required (bayonet or screw) and find a replacement. You should also note what the wattage (how bright it is going shine) is. This is normally on the bulb itself but, if not, the light fitting will have the MAX wattage it can take, not only for that appliance, but for the mains supply of voltage in the house.

Screw in the new, step down and look up to see if it seems secure. Then click the switch on and ‘let there be light’.

When purchasing light fixtures have a look at the bulbs. Tubes and halogen bulbs, especially those sunk into the ceiling, may look nice but require more patience and Spiderman-like skills to remove. Ask yourself if you
really
want that fitting, and then when it is installed ask the electrician to show you how you can change the bulbs, and how often this drama is likely to be necessary.

Everyone should change their own light bulbs. Electricians treat bulb-changing call outs like crank calls, so if you know you will
never
manage to change the bulb either move house when it goes, or go with another illuminating option. Candles.

How to cope in a power cut

First things first: are you sure that it’s not a case of a blown light bulb? Is it night or day? And is it
your
fault?

If it’s daytime you can ignore it – okay you can’t have a cup of tea, or watch the telly, but it is a lovely moment of quiet when you can read a good book. Not too much cause for alarm, just amble over to your last electricity bill, dial the number, get put on hold. If you ever get through, tell them you are out of power. Easy.

If it’s night, there is more of a knack required because not only do the kettle, telly and so on not work, neither do the lights, and in these circumstances it could be difficult finding the bill. An organised person would have the electricity number easily to hand, programmed in their mobile (which never leaves their side). But this person would also probably be too unbearable to associate with. Too much organisation is a dangerous thing.

If, as mentioned above, it’s your fault – keep very quiet. If you live in a flat and you have just put a nail through the supply for the entire block, admire the newly hung picture, and keep it to yourself. For future happy neighbourly relations denial is definitely not only the best, but the ONLY policy here.

If the power cut goes on for more than a few minutes and you are not ready for bed you have only three options left.

Light all your Diptyque candles and continue entertaining.

Go out. There must be a 24/7 something open that has illumination. Or order a takeaway (thank heavens phone lines are not affected by a black-out) and by the time it arrives you will have been able to prepare a candlelit grotto.

Go to bed, and hope to goodness things have returned to normal when you arise.

How to stop a flood

When it is raining inside put up an umbrella (on occasions such as this the bad luck thing does not count), don the wellies and turn off the electrics. Water and electrics lead to indoor lightning and danger. There is no time to do your ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ routine. Locate where the water is coming from. Fast. Is it coming from the outside in? Or from the inside and trying to get out?

If it is coming in from a storm, secure the doors and windows, and hope it passes. If it is coming in from the roof, either the guttering or tiles on the roof have slipped. If you live in a flat, and there are people above, knock politely to ask if they are building an indoor swimming pool. If you live above the ground floor and are ankle deep in water, worry about the neighbours on the floors below and hope they have snorkels.

If it’s you that is causing the flood, locate and eliminate, and contain it as fast as possible. Baths should not flood as they have ‘overflow’ drains at the top, as do sinks, but they can spilleth over if you leave the taps on, plug in and go out shopping . . . which you would never do.

How to turn off water at the mains

If you’ve got your own Niagara Falls, you need to find the stopcock, the water mains tap, and turn it off as soon as possible. Water mains taps are in even harder to find locations than the electrical mains. Think of the silliest place to hide something and look there first. Try under the sink, under the bath, under the stairs, or even across the road. Once the water mains has been turned off, call a plumber – you cannot:

a) Get someone to stand with their hand over the leak for ever.

b) Even be expected to have the first clue what to do here.

How to deal with ballcock problems and plumbers

There are all kind of pumps and complex innards inside sinks, toilets, baths and so on. But a bit like the passing knowledge you have of the bladder and kidney, you don’t need to know all the graphic details, you just want it to work, flush and so on. If there is a problem with the ball-cock, this usually means that a pump or cylinder valve is not working. You can poke around and see if you can give it a nudge, but frankly, would you poke around and try to remove your own appendix? Exactly. Call the plumber.

Always say it is an emergency, because if you are calling a plumber you clearly need one. As with other service and delivery personnel, try to pin them down to a slightly less approximate time than the usual ‘sometime in the morning’ nonsense. Be very polite, but firm, and appeal to them saying that you are a special case and you need them right now. When they arrive say you would offer to make tea, but you have had to turn off the electrics for safety and nothing can be done till they help you. Damsel in Distress – always a winner.

How to bleed a radiator

Thankfully there is no real bloodshed involved here, but this is the technical term for dealing with a radiator that’s as cold as a spurned lover. Bleeding is the way to let the air bubbles out of your radiator, so that it can heat up and warm the room again. Log fires are all very cosy and mood enhancing, but a radiator involves less woodcutting and manual labour. Insert a radiator key into the little stud-like hole at the end of the body of the radiator. Just like opening a bottle of fizzy drink, when you open the radiator the air can escape. Be very quiet; can you hear a gentle scream coming from the radiator, like a whistling kettle? That is air escaping. But do remember to try to shut it before the water gushes out. Likewise, if you turn the key and there is no air to set free, it will spray water on you, and most often it is brown and rusty.

How to unblock drains

Unblocking drains is really yuk. This is definitely not for you, so get someone else to do this. Go out for the day and hope that the problem has been ‘resolved’ by the time you return.

How to catch a mouse, rather than gain a pet

If confronted by a mouse, before you shriek and leap on the nearest chair, there are three things to remember:

1
   They are possibly more frightened than you.

2
   They are no bigger than a bar of soap.

3
   Mice can’t climb upwards – but
rats can
. Which is absolutely no comfort. If the thing is climbing the chair leg, run for the door and scream like hell. Rats might be considered ‘adaptable, successful and clever’, in the zodiac, but in real life you have to accept they are just too revolting a concept for even a heroic moggy to deal with. Get them OUT.

Being calm is not really important at the initial meeting, it is how you react afterwards that counts.

It does not matter how small and ‘cute’ a mouse or a rat may look. Are you crazy? This is an optical illusion and no one sane should keep them. They are germ magnets. Mice, rats and any rodents are simply not fun, which is why this problem is an emergency. You definitely do not want it as a pet. Cats, dogs, goldfish are acceptable, guinea pigs borderline. If you have room, why not get a horse or a dolphin or something exciting and exotic?

If a mouse moves in, you have to move fast, charge rent or evict them before they start to breed. According to the Department of Health, a Mr and Mrs Mouse can have up to 285 babies a year, and you certainly don’t want to be housing that. Remember who’s the boss – you are. Who’s paying the rent? Exactly. Don’t give them free stay at the Penthouse Pantry with 24-hour room service.

Draw up a battle plan.

1
   Do you have a cat? If so, have a chat with it; any chance of it doing its job? Making you proud?

2
   Do you want to get a cat or do you have any other pet that wants to tackle the situation for their beloved mistress?

3
   Can you get rid of it humanely? It is still a living thing so you don’t have to kill it. You will find in supermarkets, large department stores and even pet shops, ways to rid yourself of rodents that are alternatives to poison. You can buy all forms of traps that will simply keep them till you set them free. It is recommended, though, that traps are inspected at least once a day, preferably every couple of hours, to avoid stress to captured mice. They don’t however mention anything about your stress levels in doing this.

After the culprit has been caught, assess your house from a mouse’s point of view. Tidy up any tasty, easy-access foods, board up holes that make things easy for them. Clean and polish every nook and cranny, get professionals if it’s too huge a task. Mice like to travel under safety of cover, so remove any chance of that. If they get a sniff of a whiff of food, particularly sugar, that’s it, they’re hypnotised. Keep things out of harm’s reach. They can squeeze through gaps as small as an apricot.

Air attacks

Use a chance ‘mouse in the house’ visit as a warning sign to secure your home against any further attacks. Another problem is literally swooping in. Pigeons, rodents with wings, are as stupid as they are dirty, but are making a habit of flying into homes in towns, so don’t give them the opportunity to view your nest.

If your windows are open, try to leave them so they are not open enough for birds or beasts to squeeze in. If you hear a scratching and flapping noise, locate the creature fast. Close the door to isolate it in one room. Gather your thoughts, dash in and throw the nearest window open as wide as possible to facilitate a speedy exit for them. Turn off the lights, rip open the curtains and help the stupid bird realise it’s time to fly. If they flap towards you – exit. Throw a towel or something over your head, and grab a tray, or mop, to help nudge them towards the window. They need to leave before feathers and droppings are littering the room.

How to clean out a goldfish bowl

Ideally goldfish bowls should be cleaned out once a week. Goldfish are very submissive pets, they don’t moan and fuss, nor do they talk (back) to you, and they only have a three-minute memory, so you have to look after them. If you have a fancy aquarium, they are usually so fancy they are self-cleaning, but if you won these fish at the fair and have them in a nice glass bubble, this is how you should keep it clean.