How to Win at High School (14 page)

The ID thing takes off. Bondy's good for ten cards a week. Brian stops worrying when Adam pays him his cut.

(Money does that.)

And meanwhile, at Nixon:

Some pretty blond sophomore stops Adam in the hall one day. Looks up at him with these big blue eyes. “You're Adam, right? Can we talk?”

Audrey Klein. Adam's pretty sure he went to grade school with her. He's positive she's never said a word to him before in her life.

Until now.

“Yeah,” he tells Audrey. “What's up?”

She pulls him aside. “My brother, you know, Simon?” she says. “You did a couple assignments for him before Christmas. He said it was money well spent.”

Adam nods. Adam knows Simon. Starting goalie for the Nixon varsity soccer team. Not exactly a god, but close enough to matter.

Another satisfied customer.

“So . . .” Audrey blushes a little. Bites her lip. “I was wondering if you might be able to help me with my social studies project?”

Bingo.

Adam savors the moment a little bit.

The look in Audrey's eyes.

The envious glances from the guys walking past in the hallway.

“I charge ten bucks a page,” he tells Audrey. “Twenty-dollar bonus for an A.”

Her face falls. “That much?”

Adam shrugs. “I hear it's money well spent.”

“Who was that?” Victoria asks Adam as Audrey Klein walks off.

“Audrey Klein,” Adam tells her.

“I know who she is,” Victoria says. “What did she want?”

Adam shrugs. “She just had some homework questions. Nothing serious.”

“She's a sophomore, Adam.”

“Yeah.” Adam shrugs again. “Tutoring. She wanted social studies help.”

“Tutoring.” Victoria watches Audrey walk away. “You sure do a lot of tutoring, don't you?”

“Wait,” Adam says. “You're not jealous, are you?”

Victoria blushes.

“What,” he says. “Of me and Audrey?”

She looks down at the ground. “Of you and anyone, Adam. You hang out with all these pretty girls, and I . . .”

Adam waits. “Yeah?”

“I'm just afraid,” she says. “You know, since we're not . . . I just don't want . . .”

Adam thinks about Janie Ng outside Crash. About how he turned down a golden chance to sleep with a goddess.

He kisses Victoria. “Hey,” he says. “You have nothing to worry about.”

And she doesn't.

Not really.

I mean
, Adam thinks,
it would be nice to not be a virgin anymore.
It would be nice if everyone at Nixon knew he'd slept with a goddess.

It would confer upon Adam instant god status. It would put Adam on par with Rob Thigpen.

(Where he's supposed to be.)

(Probably.)

But Adam loves Victoria.

And Victoria loves Adam.

And that's all that really matters.

Right?

Even if Victoria has nothing to worry about, Adam does.

Because Audrey Klein tells her friends about Adam. Soon there's a horde of pretty sophomores crowding Adam's locker after school. And it isn't long before their boyfriends come sniffing around too.

Jason Poulin.

Max Tanner.

Gordie Robson.

GITs. Gods in Training.

They don't mean much to Adam, but he can't turn them down. Money is money. Power is power. Prestige is everything.

And if he's not sleeping with goddesses, he's going to need to bust his ass to build his
Scarface
empire instead.

So Adam decides he needs another new employee. Two, maybe.

First thing, he figures he'll give Darren another shot. Catches up to him after math class.

“Hey, man,” Adam says. “What are you doing this weekend?”

Darren shrugs. “Was thinking about seeing the new Iron Man movie. You?”

“Homework,” Adam tells him. “Listen, what are your grades like?”

“I dunno, B's?” Darren says. “I do okay. I mean, whatever, right? We're juniors. I don't want to spend my whole life doing homework.”

“Yeah,” Adam says. “I guess. I mean, what else do you do?”

“What does anybody do? Hang out with friends, go to hockey games, watch movies, play Xbox, try to pick up girls. I'd rather do that than worry about my grades, I guess.”

“What about being popular?”

Darren frowns. “What, like with Paul Nolan and them?”

Adam nods. “Exactly.”

“I mean, whatever,” Darren says. “It's nice to be popular, but I have enough friends.”

Darren shoulders his backpack. “Listen, I gotta run. If you want to see Iron Man this weekend, there's a bunch of us going. Might be a good break from homework or whatever.”

Iron Man.

Fat chance.

Darren's a no-go. Fortunately, Adam has a few other candidates in mind.

Next stop: Deborah Menard.

Deborah Menard:

Bookworm.

Spends hours in the library, her nose in a book. Never speaks to anyone, just reads. Sometimes it's European history. Sometimes it's gardening manuals. Adam figures, anyone who reads that much
has
to be smart, right?

He finds Deborah in the back of the library at lunchtime. She jumps when he says her name. “Jesus,” he says. “Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. What are you reading?”

Deborah blushes a little. “
On the Origin of Species
,” she says. “Charles Darwin.”

(
Bingo
, Adam thinks.)

“No kidding,” he says. “You into that stuff?”

“Evolution?” She fidgets. “I mean, I guess.”

Adam looks around. Nobody nearby. “Listen, can you keep a secret?”

Deborah's eyes go wide. “Oh my god,” she says. “You're the guy who does homework for money, right?”

Adam grins. “Uh, yeah. That's actually what I want to talk to you about.”

Deborah gives him a look. “I don't need my homework done for me, thanks. I can handle that myself.”

Adam grins bigger. “I'm not trying to angle for your business, Deborah,” he says. “I'm looking for your help.”

“I don't get it,” Deborah says.

“I'm overloaded,” Adam tells her. “I need someone to work for me.”

Deborah laughs. “What, like, you want to pay me to do someone else's homework? Why wouldn't I just work something out with them personally?”

“Because I have the customer base—the in with the right people,” Adam says. “They know me. I guarantee good work.”

“Yeah, but you wouldn't be actually
doing
the work,” Deborah says. “I would.”

“I'd check it over. Make sure it's up to par. Quality control. I'd get you the contacts with the popular kids. I'd handle the business side.”

Deborah laughs again. “You sound like a pimp.” She opens her book. “Look, I'm sure it's a great little scheme, but I'm really not interested.”

Adam stares at her.
You have no friends
, he wants to tell her.
You spend your whole life in the library, reading books. You don't go to parties. You eat lunch alone.

You're not
interested
?

Some people just need to reexamine their priorities.

Adam finds another candidate.

George Dubois. He's like the male version of Deborah Menard, with minor and insignificant variations.

Spends every lunch hour in the computer lab, alone. Eats alone. Sits alone. Walks home alone.

George doesn't have many friends. Plus he won the academic award for highest average last year, so he's gotta be smart.

George Dubois is the perfect candidate.

Except:

George Dubois's name sounds familiar. As Adam approaches the kid, he figures out why.

George Dubois's mom is Bonnie Dubois.

Bonnie Dubois is the Nixon guidance counselor.

(
Abort! Abort!
)

George Dubois is a no-go.

Fortunately, there are other smart, desperate kids at Nixon. And after a week of looking, Adam finds two of them.

First up: Devon Parent. Your average social outcast with a high IQ. And a
crazy
-big crush on Leanne Grayson.

Adam flags down Devon after English class. “Devon,” he says. “Can we talk?”

Devon looks back at him, shrugs. Noncommittal. At that moment, Leanne Grayson walks past. “Hey, Leanne,” Adam says. “How's it going?”

Leanne smiles at Adam. Smiles big. “What's up, Adam?”

Leanne
breezes
down the hall. Devon watches her go. “Want to know my secret?” Adam asks him.

Devon's still focused on Leanne. “What?”

“You want to get in tight with Leanne Grayson?”

“I guess,” Devon says.

“Let me put it another way,” Adam says. “You want to make some money?”

Devon shakes his head. “I don't do drugs, man.”

Adam grins at Devon. “It's not drugs. It's homework. I want to pay you to do Leanne's homework. Are you in?”

Devon's in. Devon's way in. Devon listens to the spiel and he's nodding before Adam even gets to the money part. Devon shakes Adam's hand and promises to meet him after school. Devon watches Adam walk away like he's some kind of . . .

god
.

So that's one down. Next up: Lisa Choi.

Lisa Choi is:

- Alternate captain of the Academic Challenge team.

(Wayne's teammate.)

- Famous around school for melting down in math class after Sara Bryant called her out for owning a counterfeit Coach bag.

(Turned bright red and ran out of the classroom.)

(Was reported crying in the girls' bathroom for hours afterward.)

Lisa Choi is:

A perfect candidate.

Adam gets Wayne to introduce him to Lisa. Lisa scowls at Wayne when they chase her down. “Can I help you?”

Wayne kind of blushes. “Uh, yeah,” he says. Stammers a little. “Uh, hey, Lisa.”

“Lisa,” Adam says, stepping in, “I'm Adam.”

Lisa looks Adam up and down. “Forget it,” she says. “Wayne, don't ever try to set me up with your friends again.”

Adam laughs. “I don't want to go out with you. I want to make you an offer.”

“If it has anything to do with sex, you can die in a grease fire,” Lisa tells him.

“It's not sex, Lisa,” Adam tells her. “It's homework.”

Lisa relaxes a little. “You need a tutor or something?”

“Not me,” Adam says. “But I know some other kids who need help.”

He pitches the scheme. Lisa listens. Thinks about it. Then she looks at Wayne. “You're in on this?”

Wayne nods. “Uh-huh. It's great. I—”

“How much do you make?”

“Lots,” Wayne says.

“Enough for a real Coach bag,” Adam tells her.

Lisa goes red. “Shut up.”

The bell rings. “Locker two fourteen,” Adam says. “You can pick up your assignments after school.”

Lisa and Devon turn in their first assignments a few days later. Lisa writes too much—

(probably trying to pad her page count for more money)

—and Devon needs a little work on his grammar, but otherwise,

everything

is

gravy.

And that's good, because Adam is swamped with work. Pizza Man Enterprises has five hundred and twenty-three likes on Facebook.

Bondy is maxed to capacity, printing ten fake IDs a week, and there's a three-week waiting list. Already, the guy's complaining about his dwindling social life.

“You want a social life?” Adam asks him. “That's cool. I'll find somebody else to make my IDs. You can go back to 7-Eleven, pick up a couple more shifts.”

Bondy looks at Brian. Brian just shrugs. Brian's pulling his own profits delivering booze to kids who haven't scored IDs yet. He gets invited to a lot of parties.

(So does Adam, but Adam doesn't have time to party.)

Brian's started dating this Nixon chick he met at one of those parties, a punk-rock sophomore named Amanda Rimes who wears Ramones T-shirts and fishnet stockings. Amanda's cute.
Amanda
loves
Brian. Brian doesn't give a damn about Bondy's social life.

Neither does Adam.

“You guys are real assholes, you know that?” Bondy says, sighing.

Adam peels off a stack of hundreds. Five of them, minty-fresh. “Ten more,” Adam tells him. “See you next week.”

“I'm so looking forward to this hockey game,” Sam tells Adam.

He's admiring the tickets again while Adam does a little homework on his couch—

(Another English essay for Jessie McGill.)

—“March is too damn far away,” Sam says. “I mean, time just seems to be
dragging
, man. Don't you think?”

Adam looks up from his essay. “Yeah?” he says. “Yeah.”

Sam looks over at him, then back at the tickets. “I wish I had a jersey or something,” he says. “It would be sick to roll in there all pimped out. Show them we're true fans, you know?”

Adam closes his eyes. Tries to concentrate. He knows he should be paying attention, but this freaking essay's due tomorrow.

“Adam?”

Adam looks up again. “Yeah,” he says. “You want a jersey. I'll see what I can do.”

Locker 214 is getting crowded. Chaos ensues every day after school.

Wayne.

Lisa.

Devon.

Alton Di Sousa.

Audrey Klein.

Audrey Klein's douche boyfriend.

Sara Bryant.

Some random sophomore looking for a fake ID.

Etc.