How to Win at High School (15 page)

Etc.

Etc.

It's too much.

Too suspicious.

It's time to move Pizza Man Enterprises off-property.

There's a little restaurant across the street from the school, Cardigan's. It's a mob scene during lunchtime and a dead zone any other time.

Adam takes it over.

Posts up in the corner booth with a milkshake after school and presides over his little empire, Wayne and Lisa and Devon beside him. Students roll in, drop off their homework, pick
up their homework, pay for fake IDs. The waitress gives Adam dirty looks, but what the hell, right? It's not like Adam doesn't tip.

Some of the kids stick around, buy hamburgers. There's no one else in the place, anyway.

Business booms. All through January and into February. And then:

Business stops.

Business hits the pause button.

Business takes a commercial break.

Because:

exams happen.

It's the end of the first term. Teachers hand back the last of the projects and focus on review for the last couple weeks.

ID sales dry up. Booze, too. No one's looking to party. Adam pays Bondy a hundred dollars, bonus, tells him take it easy for a while.

Bondy looks at the money. Smiles. “I take it back, man,” he says. “I like you just fine.”

So, okay. A little relaxation, right? A little downtime? Adam's been working so hard, he figures he could use a break. Hang out with Victoria a little. Catch up on sleep. Be a normal kid for once.

Wrong.

Adam catches up on his sleep. Adam hangs with Victoria. Adam does the normal-kid thing.

Adam gets antsy.

No homework to do, no parties to supply equals no way to increase his social standing. Equals no way to win.

Adam's momentum is building. He's trending all over Nixon. He's so damn close to winning, and now he has to press pause.

So he searches for a way to keep himself in the game.

Stay relevant.

Win.

He racks his brain and comes up with nothing, until—

(a week before exams start)

—he figures it out.

Physics class.

Powers—

(remember him?)

—is promising his exam will Kick. Your. Ass.

Everyone's terrified.

Even Sara Bryant.

“I can't afford to flunk this exam,” she tells Adam. “My dad's going to cut off my credit card. I'm so fucked, Adam.”

Adam looks at her. “Maybe I can un-fuck you.”

Sara makes a face.

“You know what I mean,” Adam says. “Maybe I can make this test easier.”

“How?” Sara says. “It's not like you can write the thing for me.”

“No,” Adam says, “but maybe I can work a little Pizza Man magic.”

“A hundred bucks to anyone who can get me Mr. Powers's physics exam,” Adam tells his team.

(His team being:

Wayne,

Devon,

Lisa.)

His team stares at him. “Are you serious?”

Adam pulls a hundred-dollar bill from his wallet. “Plus half of whatever we can get for it on the open market,” he tells them. “Who's in?”

“You're out of your mind,” Lisa says.

“So you're not interested?” Adam says.

“I didn't say that,” Lisa says. “I want two hundred bucks.”

“Two hundred's more like it,” Wayne says. “This is risky.”

“Two hundred bucks,” Adam tells them. “And I need it this week.”

A couple nights later, Wayne calls. “I have an idea.”

“What about Lisa and Devon?” Adam asks.

“They're out,” Wayne says. “They think it's impossible. I think they're wrong.”

“So do it,” Adam tells him. “Test out your theory.”

“I need help,” Wayne says. “If I'm right about this, you won't just get the physics exam. You'll get
every
exam in the school.”

“Holy shit,” Adam says. “Really?”

“Really,” Wayne says. He explains his idea. It's decent. It's insane. It's risky as hell, but it's definitely workable.

And it will make the Pizza Man a legend at Nixon if Adam can pull it off.

A
god
.

Adam won't ever have to hustle again. No more homework, no booze, no fake IDs. Just coasting on that Pizza Man reputation. That Hall of Fame status.

“I'll help you,” he tells Wayne. “But we'd better do it quick.”

Later that night, Adam meets Wayne in the empty parking lot outside Nixon. Wayne shows up in all black, like a cat burglar. “That's not suspicious at all,” Adam tells him.

“I don't want to get seen,” Wayne says, pulling a dark ski mask over his face. He hands another to Adam.

Adam points to the school. Every light in the building is burning. “You should have worn white,” Adam says.

There was a basketball game in the gym earlier. The gym doors are still unlocked. Adam and Wayne slip inside.

The gym is way dark. It's like walking in space. They cling to the walls until they reach the far side, the door into the school. Inch it open and peer out.

The hallway is lit up bright, but it's empty. Somewhere in the distance, a radio is playing classic rock. Adam looks at Wayne. “Where now?”

“Janitor's office,” Wayne says. In the light he looks pale, terrified. Like he's going to wet himself, or have second thoughts, or both. Adam figures he can't blame him. His heart's pounding, too.

Adam stands watch while Wayne ducks into the janitor's office. Pictures the janitor coming around the corner, finding them both. Freaks himself right out.

After an eternity, Wayne comes out with a key ring. Grins at Adam. “Knew it was in here.”

Adam looks at him.

Wayne shrugs. “I saw that old janitor, Hawksley, doing something in here when I was walking past. He had a spare key ring on the wall.”

“Okay,” Adam says. “So what now?”

Wayne grins. “I've been shadowing Powers,” he says. “Trying to figure out where he's stashing the exam. Finally figured it out.”

“Yeah,” Adam says. “Go on.”

“I tailed him to the administrative office,” Wayne says. “Turns out he locks up the exams in a little side room by the secretaries. They
all
stash exams there, every teacher in the school.”

Adam looks at him. Looks down the empty hall toward the administrative office. Imagines walking out with every exam in the school. If he can somehow get them photocopied, he'll have it fucking made.

“Okay,” he tells Wayne. “Get us into the office.”

(In the back of his mind, Adam's already thinking this is a bullshit idea.

He's already regretting even bringing Wayne here.

There are two, maybe three janitors in the building. Any one of them could make Adam and Wayne at any moment.

There's a stack of exams in the administrative office, but even if Adam takes them, the teachers are going to notice, right?

I mean, nobody's going to
not
notice a bunch of missing exams.

So.

It's a stupid plan to begin with.

The whole idea is stupid.

Adam knows he should just turn around and walk out, abort the whole thing. Let Sara Bryant fail her exam.

Let Sara Bryant's dad cut up her credit card.

Hell, it's not Adam's concern.

Adam knows this.

But.

What if he
can
photocopy that physics exam somehow? Would be the biggest win of his life. The biggest win in school history.

Would be god mode times infinity.

So Adam follows Wayne down the hall to the administrative office. Adam knows it's a bad idea.

Adam follows through with it anyway.)

Adam and Wayne crouch in the hall across from the office. There's a hallway running perpendicular to the hall they just snuck down. There's a janitor at the far end of that hallway, whistling—

(off-key)

—and working a mop. Adam and Wayne watch him for a minute. Then Adam looks at Wayne. “Now or never, man.”

Wayne looks at Adam like a raccoon looks at a car on the interstate.

“Forget it,” Adam says. “Give me the keys.”

Adam takes the keys. Bolts across to the office doors and starts trying keys in the lock. The ring has about a million keys on it. Adam keeps fumbling. Finally, something fits.

Adam glances back at Wayne. Wayne nods. Adam nods. Adam turns the door handle and pushes it inward.

Immediately, something beeps inside—

(
shit
)

—and Adam looks up and sees a little flashing red light in the ceiling as whatever it was that beeped . . .

beeps again.

(
Shit.
)

Across the hall, Wayne is gesturing. Urgently. Like,
Get the hell out of there
frantic. Adam ducks inside the dark office and closes the door, quick. The beeping continues. It's getting louder.

(
SHIT.
)

The office is dark. Adam feels his way around the secretaries' desks to the little room where the exams are supposed to be. Jimmies the door and ducks in just as the office lights come on.

“Hello?”

Hawksley, the janitor. Adam waits in the room—

(it's still dark, thank god)

—while Hawksley fiddles with the alarm. It stops beeping. The office is silent. Adam doesn't move. Doesn't breathe.

“Hello?” Hawksley starts around the secretaries' desks. He's coming toward Adam's little room. Adam backs into the darkness. Navigates by touch and sheer panic alone. Finds a doorknob. Turns it, slips through the doorway and back into the light. Back into Wayne.

“Holy crap.” Wayne's hyperventilating. “Come on, man, let's go.”

They're standing in the main hallway. Adam's come out a back entrance. Down the hall is the gym and the school doors and freedom.

Adam glances back into the office. Hawksley's not in the little room yet.

And they've come this far.

“Wait.” Adam pulls away from Wayne and ducks back into the little room. The light from the hallway spills in, and Adam can see filing cabinets, tables, stacks of paper. He rifles through, desperate.

(
Come on
.)

Hawksley pushes open the door. Sees Adam. “What the hell?”

Adam finds a file folder.
Mr. Powers
, it reads.
Final Exams—First Semester.

Adam reaches in. Grabs an exam off the top of the stack and books it for the hallway. For Wayne. For the exit.

They
run
.

Hawksley calls out behind them. They ignore him. Bolt down the hallway and burst out through a fire door and into the parking lot, the darkness. Keep running, until they're off school property by a solid five blocks, ducked into an alley, hands on their knees, panting for breath.

“Did he see us?” Adam says.

“How should I know?” Wayne says. “You're the one who had to go back there.”

“I couldn't leave without at least trying,” Adam tells him. He brandishes the exam paper. “We're going to be
gods
.”

Wayne looks up. Looks at the paper. Grins, wide, like in that instant he sees himself in the future. God status attained. Popularity. Girls. Party invites.

Everything.

Then Wayne's smile fades. He squints at the exam paper. “Oh crap.”

Adam flips the page over. Sees why Wayne stopped smiling.
Final Exam
, the paper reads.
Mr. Powers, Applied Science, Grade 10
.

Wayne looks at Adam. “So, um,” he says, “do I still get the two hundred bucks?”

Nixon is chaos. Mr. Powers looks exhausted. Wayne looks like he's chained to a time bomb. There are cops in the vice principal's office. It's Nixon on lockdown.

The vice principal makes an announcement. “As you may have heard, we had an incident at Nixon last night. A student—or group of students—broke into the administrative office and stole one of next week's exams.”

He pauses, and you can hear cheering and applause from every classroom.

“This may sound like a joke,” the VP says, “but the perpetrators will be tracked down. Justice will be served. Moreover, the exams they've stolen will be redesigned. They've jeopardized their academic careers for nothing.”

The VP urges anyone with information to step forward. Encourages the perpetrators—

(Adam and Wayne)

—to make it easy on themselves. Then he's gone. There's a moment of silence. Then more cheers.

“Hot damn,” someone says. “The balls on those kids.”

“Fucking celebrities,” Paul Nolan says.

“Superstars.”

“Gods.”

Sara Bryant grins at Adam. “How much would we have to pay you to swipe the physics exam, Pizza Man?”

Adam looks at her. Looks around the classroom. Knows every kid in the school would worship the ground he walks on if he copped to the break-in.

Knows it's an automatic, first-ballot induction to the Badass Hall of Fame.

Adam wants to tell Sara how close he came. Wants to show the whole school just how badass the Pizza Man really is. But he knows he'd be expelled if word got around. He doesn't quite have the balls to do it.

He just grins at Sara instead. “More than you've got, Sara,” he says. “
Way
more.”

“Can you believe it?” Victoria asks Adam. “Who would try something that stupid?”

Adam shrugs. “I dunno, I think it's kinda cool.”

“Kinda cool?” Victoria stares at him. “Adam, it's cheating. It doesn't accomplish anything.”

“Yeah, but it's badass,” Adam says. “You have to admit, it's, like,
legendary
.”

“What does that even mean?” Victoria shakes her head. “It's stupid. Those kids will spend their whole lives regretting it if they get caught.”