How We Lived (Entangled Embrace) (7 page)

I walked to the window, hoisted it up, fell out, and knocked on Chase’s. He opened it without even looking.

…

-Chase-

I hugged her. I’d never wanted to be so mad at someone else in my entire life, but I couldn’t help it, I hugged her.

Slowing my heartbeat was hard. It was going a fucking mile a minute. I still wanted to drive back and beat that motherfucker’s ass. No one called Kelsey Larkin a whore on my watch. No one. If she hadn’t been there, I probably would have torn the limbs from his body, that’s how pissed I was.

I needed to focus on Kels now. She was so lost it came off her in waves. Maybe she hadn’t realized it yet, but she did what she’d done because she felt lost. Scared. I had experience with that kind of shit. I was the master of self-loathing and self-destruction.

“You shouldn’t have picked me up. I’m not worth it.”

Dammit. Was she serious? I rubbed below her eyes. Tears were pooling at the corners and I was going to chase them away as soon as they spilled over. She’d had enough crying to last her a lifetime. She wanted love and I had it to give her. I’d always had it to give her. She just didn’t want it from me. “Are you kidding me? You are worth it.”

She threw her arms around me this time and buried her head in the crook of my neck. “I don’t do those things. I’m not like that. Please don’t think I’m like that.”

Maybe it was the alcohol making her act this way, but I didn’t care. I rubbed her back in slow circles. “I came because you said you needed me. I’m not sure why you didn’t call Bear. Actually, I take that back, I can probably guess why you didn’t call Bear.”

Her hands fell away from me, and I stepped back. Why had I brought up Bear? Screw Bear. I wanted her to want me. Bear didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve her, either, but I wanted her more.

“I didn’t call Bear because…because…I wanted you.”

Well, that was promising.

“Kelsey, listen, I know it’s none of my business who you have sex with but—”

“I don’t have sex.”

“—you shouldn’t…” Wait. She said she doesn’t have sex. As in she wasn’t going to have sex with that guy, or she doesn’t have sex…like never had sex? “Are you saying you’re a virgin?”

She nodded and I had to stop myself from smiling. Maybe she and Bear weren’t serious. God, could I get that lucky? But then again, she’d been doing something with that boy with her shirt off. What the hell?

I ran my hands through my hair and grabbed the ends. I needed to make her understand that was so not the way. “You were going to let that guy be your first? What the hell were you thinking?”

She shook her head. “I wasn’t.”

No shit. “That’s pretty obvious. You were going to let your first time be in some douchebag’s frat room with a bunch of other stupid college kids going at it ten feet away…with someone who doesn’t love you?”

A fire lit behind her eyes. “No. Not I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t going to have sex with him. Unlike the girls you’re attracted to, I should point out. Tell me, how many girls’ virginity have you taken in exactly the same way?”

Every muscle in my body pulled tight. I didn’t like being reminded of the girls I’d done things with and not cared about. I was a completely different person now. “You’re right, Kels. I used to be like that. I’m not anymore, though, because I realized how stupid it was. Sex is important. Sex is fun, yes, but I want it to be special for you. I wish I’d waited for someone special to share it with.”

She looked down at her hands. “I want to be normal. Normal kids go to frat parties and have fun. Normal kids don’t have to worry about their parents not sleeping in the same room, or if the guy they’re seeing thinks they’re even remotely attractive, or if their brother’s body is cold under six feet of dirt.”

My heart wrenched painfully. I’d put that pain inside her. If it weren’t for me, she wouldn’t have to worry about her brother lying in a fucking casket. Her parents would be fine. If it weren’t for me, I’d probably have her right now. Not Bear. In a roundabout way, I was probably also the reason why she was shit-faced and thinking getting banged by a frat boy douchebag was a good idea.

And here I was getting excited because Bear hadn’t had sex with her yet. I was a fucking loser. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t even deserve to be happy she was still untouched. I’d never deserve that honor with her. Even if she would have me, I couldn’t let myself have sex with her. I’d fucked up her entire life.

But hell, I was a selfish, selfish man. And I wanted her too badly.
Needed
her.

My hands worked their way around her waist. Fuck Bear. Fuck everything else. “Dammit. Listen. This is one time when you need to be different. No matter what happens or has happened, getting drunk and doing whatever everybody else is doing isn’t the answer. And you worry Bear doesn’t think you’re attractive? He’s fucking blind if he doesn’t.”

Her cheeks turned pink. “He’s never tried anything with me. Anything. Aren’t guys supposed to not have restraint? I want to be wanted like that. I want to feel like that.”

Her words settled in my gut. I knew what she meant because I wanted her to want me that way. I could make her feel what she wanted. Need unfurled in my stomach. “You guys haven’t done
anything
?”

“Just kiss. We’re not really official, I guess.”

Her hands spread against my lower back and I felt it as if she were stroking me. I was instantly hard. She rubbed a small circle across my skin, and I could barely think past my own want. Shit. What was she doing? I needed to pull away. If she shifted the tiniest bit, my dick would be pressed against her. I stepped back, but her eyes locked onto mine and they were pleading.

Anything else. Anything else and I would give it to her. But fuck me I didn’t know if I could do it. I shouldn’t do it. I’d be the worst kind of human being. “Don’t do this to me,” I begged.

A piece of her hair shook loose as she bit her lip. “Do what? I’m not repulsive, am I?”

I grabbed the piece of hair and curled it around her ear. “You’re beautiful. You know that. I’ve always thought that.”

I thought she stopped breathing for a moment. Wishful thinking, probably.

Her hands moved to my chest. “Please.”

Scared she might feel how hard my heart was beating, I moved her hands to my shoulders. They were so small, so fragile. “What do you want from me?”

“I need you.” She pressed her hips against me and stilled. “You want it, too?”

I blinked, trying to readjust the vision in front of me because surely Kels Larkin was not pressing her perfect body against mine and telling me she needed me.

She ran her hands through my hair. Her touch shot jolts straight to my already-straining dick. We were close enough, but then she stepped in closer, her hands around my neck, and brushed her lips against mine. I was too stunned to move. Then I didn’t give a shit. Kels had just kissed me and my body was screaming at me to wrap her up and love her the way I dreamed about.

“Oh, Christ.” My hands found her hips and I pressed myself into her. This is what she did to me. She should feel it. “Do you feel that? Yes, I fucking want you.”

Her eyes widened. “I want you, too. I need…” She kissed my jaw, and when she got to my ear, she whispered, “…to feel something. Anything.”

If that wasn’t the biggest douse of ice water, I wouldn’t know what was. My feelings for her were everything. I put my hands on her shoulders and held her away from me. “Anything?”

“I…I don’t know how to explain it.”

I knew how to explain it. She was wasted and…horny.

This was life’s way of payback. I’d done things with so many girls, and I didn’t give a shit if they used me because I was using them, but now I gave a shit. I gave a shit because it was Kelsey.

I walked away and jammed my hands into my pockets, stretching and unstretching my fingers. I’d just held her like I always wanted to. The feeling would be forever seared into my brain, but I needed to get the feeling out because it wouldn’t happen again. “You might as well go home because I’m not fucking you.”

She recoiled and the pain on her face sliced me. I looked away and sat on the bed. I needed to get far away before I did what my body wanted to do anyway. That was the old Chase. Not me. The old Chase would have Kelsey on her back in my bed right now, but I couldn’t do that to her.

“What did I do wrong?”

Oh, fuck me. I stood and grabbed her hands. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just…never mind. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me. I can’t have sex with you. Not because you’re not desirable, but because we’re friends.” As the word passed my lips, I thought I’d go straight to hell for the lie. God only knew I wanted nothing to do with being friends with Kelsey Larkin.

“Can I at least stay with you? Please.”

She didn’t have to beg. I’d do whatever she wanted. I’d have to remind myself the entire night I wasn’t allowed to have her, but I could do it.

I walked to my bed, lifted the sheets, and she crawled right in, smelling surprisingly like her normal self and not alcohol.

Hope spurred inside me. Maybe she wasn’t as drunk as I’d thought she was.

Chapter Five

-Kelsey-

The sun burned bright through the window the next morning. I groaned and pulled the pillow over my head.

“Hey,” a groggy, annoyed voice mumbled.

Oh my shit. Chase and I were still in his bed. I never woke up and went home. Damn. This was going to be awkward as hell. We were spooning, his arms around me and his hips flush against mine. He shifted and something hard pressed against my butt.

Shit. “Chase!”

His whole body froze and he backed away. “What?”

I whirled around. “Jesus. Horny much?”

He shook his head. “Kels, it’s called morning wood. I can’t control it.”

I took the pillow and flipped it over his face. “I know what morning wood is.”

His eyebrow popped up. “You do? Well, excuse me. I just thought I could teach you a little something.”

The pain from last night’s rejection hit me again. “Oh, you thought you could teach the virgin something? Tell me Chase ‘the god’ Crowley, just how experienced are you?”

His face went pale. “I’m not telling you.”

Wow. That bad? “That’s not fair. I told you I was still a virgin.”

He tilted his head down at me. “Fine. I’ve had enough to know your first time should be special. Not with some random guy at a party.”

And not with you, apparently
, I wanted to add. This wasn’t teasing anymore. He didn’t get to have a say in when or how I lost my virginity. “Why are you acting like you’re so much better than me? If I want to lose my virginity at a party, I will. If I want to lose my virginity in the backseat of someone’s car, I will. It’s none of your damn business.”

His face turned hard. “You practically offered yourself to me last night. That’s why it’s my damn business.”

I reeled back and scrambled out of bed. “Fuck you.”

He laughed once. “No thanks.”

I groaned, stalked to the window, and heaved it open. “Yeah, I guess I’m not as experienced as you like your skanks to be.”

He sat on the edge of the bed now, one corner of his mouth higher than the other. “It is nice when they know what they’re doing.”

Gross. I slipped a leg through the open window. “I hope you get herpes.”

He sighed. “Listen. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. What were you saying about your parents last night? You’re worried they’re not getting along?”

“Forget it. It doesn’t matter. I’m going back to school today anyway.”

He stood. “You’re going back to school? Today? I thought school was over.”

“Summer classes. And you’d know that if we were still friends.” I slipped my other leg through and dropped to the ground.

Chase walked to the window, put his hands on the ledge, and leaned out. “Screw you, Kelsey.”

The window slammed behind me.

It was a good thing I’d already turned away, because I flinched. He’d called me Kelsey, not Kels.

I climbed through Kyle’s window and flung myself on the bed. One of the boxes from the hallway sat on top of Kyle’s desk. There were only a few things of Kyle’s actually in there. Some old football trophies, books, the yearbook he and Chase had looked at right before his welcome home party, and his Superman figurine. No freaking way were we giving that away. I grabbed it and smoothed my thumb over the S. Kyle loved this thing. Superman would so win in a fight versus Spider-Man if they had to go superpower-less.

Mom stuck her head in, eyes trained on the floor. “I thought you’d be in here. You’re going with me to my therapist today.”

Wonderful. Exactly what I wanted to do. Listen to my mom’s hiccupy cry as she breaks down in front of a complete stranger.

She started to lift her head, but she didn’t get too far. Her face turned pale. “Are you boxing up his things?”

“No, I found it in here.”

Her forehead creased, then she looked pissed. “I don’t want anyone touching anything in this room. Period.”

Dad must have boxed these up. I wouldn’t want to be him right now. She turned and retreated down the hall.

“Mom, wait.” I followed after her. “I can’t go with you today. Remember? Classes start again tomorrow.”

She turned, her hand on her bedroom doorknob. “Kelsey Larkin,” she breathed. “You have the whole day to drive back to school. I want you to come with me. It’ll be good for you.” She finally looked me in the eyes and her face softened. “We leave in a half hour. You can leave for school after.”

Then she hid away inside her room behind her pristine white door.

I washed up, even put on makeup again, and was waiting at the kitchen bar when my mom came out after exactly thirty minutes. She was alone.

“Dad’s not coming?”

“I didn’t invite him. And besides, your father doesn’t see the point in going to a therapist.”

Neither did I if she still kept to her room most of the time. Truth? It wasn’t working.

Her therapist ended up being a thirty-something-year old female with one of those meticulously painted-on faces. She was perfumed, confident, sophisticated, and spunky. Everything we weren’t…at least now. I didn’t like her.

She smiled at me. “You must be Kelsey. I’m Ms. Mackey.”

I continued to follow my mom into the room and ignored her outstretched hand. I hated when people already knew who I was before I’d met them. Mom pulled me down onto the couch with a look that screamed
play nice
.

Ms. Mackey sat across from us in a matching leather armchair. Her oh-so-obvious fake smile pissed me off so I looked away and let my gaze wander around the room. There was one couch. Just one. There should’ve been two. One for me and one for my mom. Wasn’t that what people did at these stupid sessions? Lie down and cry their guts out into cheap, sandpaper-like tissues?

“Well, Maryanne, since it’s Kelsey’s first time with us, why don’t you start talking so she can get a feel for how we do things here? I believe at our last appointment we talked about having to go to Kyle’s funeral?”

I tensed. Ms. Mackey grabbed a pair of wire-framed glasses from a table next to her and put them on. Probably so she could stare us down better, get into our heads. Maybe they had X-ray vision, like Superman. She crossed her legs and sat back, a lined yellow notepad in her lap.

“We went.”

As soon as Mom said we, I tuned her out.
We
went? Ha. Funny. I guess
we
didn’t tell the truth in these therapist meetings, either.

Ms. Mackey’s glasses slid down her nose. “Ooh, sorry to interrupt you there, but I see Kelsey is having a reaction to what you’re saying. What is it?”

Mom pinned me with a look. I shrugged in response and stayed silent. She smiled and started in again. I completely ignored them after that.

Kyle would have hated this place. Ms. Mackey filled her office with things that made her look important. Thick leather-bound books, certificates, a huge desk, and a laptop. Actually, he was probably laughing at me right now, having to deal with this crap.

Ms. Mackey nodded her head, a pinched expression on her face. “And Chase was the driver of the car, correct? They were best friends?”

I snapped to attention at the sound of Chase’s name.

“Yes. I should have known he’d do something like this,” Mom said. “He was always such a little bastard, getting Kyle in trouble at school, around the neighborhood.”

“Mom,” I gasped.

She waved me away. “You’re too young to remember. The two of you together? Perfectly fine. I never heard a peep out of you. When Chase came over? All hell would break loose. And it was worse when you were at the Crowleys’. I’d get calls from the neighbors.”

I leaned away from her. “We were playing. Suddenly that’s a crime.”

Mom sat straighter. “She never looked after him like she should have. Remember when you guys got lost when you were seven? If she had—” A sob ripped through her. “He was reckless and stupid. He always was.”

Like my dad, I hated to see Mom cry, but I couldn’t agree with her. For starters, Chase was helping me and Kyle run away when I was seven. He was never the one who wanted to leave. That was us. He’d said, “Where you guys go, I go.”

Chase was reckless and stupid for one night. One. Night. That didn’t erase the years of friendship before it. Not for me. “He’s our best friend, Mom.”

“Was.
Was
your best friend.”

I put my hand on her arm. “He’s grieving, too.”

She yanked it away. “He should be.”

Ms. Mackey cleared her throat. “Maybe we should redirect this conversation. Kelsey, tell me a little bit about how you’re feeling. It sounds like you’ve spoken to him. How was that?”

I swallowed. “It was—”

“She shouldn’t be talking to him. We told her we didn’t want her talking to him.” Mom sniffed. “She doesn’t care. She invited him to the funeral and didn’t think about how seeing him there would make me feel.”

“Make you feel?” I looked at Ms. Mackey, who wore a blank expression, and then at Mom’s accusatory glare. “Make
you
feel? First of all, I didn’t invite him to the funeral, he came because he wanted to be there. Second of all, what about me? You let Dad tell me I couldn’t go to the funeral. You drove away and left me at home. In what world is that okay?”

Mom looked down at her lap and unfolded the tissue. “In what world is any of this okay?”

I gripped the leather cushions in my hands. “At least he was there for me. He sat
with
me. He comforted me while you did nothing.”

“Okay,” Ms. Mackey interrupted. “It’s good to release these feelings. We can’t keep them bottled up inside us because it makes things worse. Now, it’s obvious seeing Chase made your mom upset. But what about you? His actions cost your brother his life. How does that feel?”

“That’s a stupid question, don’t you think?”

“Kelsey,” my mother warned.

“Oh, so you can say whatever you want, but I can’t? How do you think it feels? I’m pissed. I’m worried about him. I’m worried about Kyle. I wish he could tell me what to do right now.”

Mom dropped the tissue to her lap. “I’ll tell you what Kyle would tell you to do. He’d tell you to stay away from that boy so nothing bad happens to you like it happened to him.” Her voice rose. “I should have listened to your father years ago when he wanted you and Kyle to stay away from him. He was and is nothing but trouble. And now he’s killed my baby.”

“It was a fucking
accident
.”

Mom’s eyes widened. She looked like she wanted to reach out and slap me.

The doctor cleared her throat again. “Why do you think you’re having such a strong reaction to what your mom is saying?”

I dug my nails into the arm of the couch. “Because he didn’t kill Kyle. She knows that.
Everyone
knows that. At least they should.” I turned toward Mom. “How did you get to be like this?”

Through clenched teeth, she said, “That boy is not your friend.”

I stood. “Well, this was fun. Glad I could make it.”

Ms. Mackey stood, too. “Some things were said that weren’t meant. You’re both sad and scared. I think we need to take a deep breath and calm down so we’ll be able to get these feelings out. Remember, you’re not mad at each other, you’re mad about what happened.” She turned to Mom. “You have something to tell Kelsey, too. Let’s not forget.”

“Sit,” Mom ordered.

This.
This
must have been the real reason she invited me here today.

“I have something to tell you.” Mom grabbed another tissue as teardrops fell and darkened her khakis. She peered at me, but quickly turned toward the therapist. “I can’t tell her. I can’t.”

Panic bubbled inside me. If she didn’t even want to tell me, it had to be bad. She’d been the one to tell me about Kyle.

“Okay. I’ll start the conversation.” Ms. Mackey turned toward me now and lifted her glasses to her head. “Your mother has been discussing your father with me quite a bit. She wants to open a discussion with you about divorce.”

My throat constricted. Divorce? Mom wouldn’t meet my eyes. “You know what? Do whatever you want. You think you’ll be happy living apart from Dad? Do it. You don’t ever want to see him again? Fine. Peachy.”

Mom reached for me, but I moved, walked away, and didn’t stop until I got to the parking lot and breathed in the fresh air.

I took the cell phone from my pocket and dialed Bear. Chase was most definitely not an option, though he was my first thought. “I need you,” I said.

A few minutes later he pulled into the parking lot. He got out of his truck and ran to me. I kept my head down and brushed a pebble to the side with the toe of my shoe. He put his arm around me, comforting me, and I let him. I let him even though from the moment I saw him pull up, I wished he was Chase. A wave of guilt crashed over me.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re going to be sick.”

I wiggled out of his arms and walked toward the truck. “I’m fine. I won’t get sick in your truck. Promise.”

He got in on his side and stared at me. “I don’t give a shit about the truck. I’m worried about you.”

I tried to smile. Bear was always worried about me. Always there for me when I needed him. “Your apartment?”

He nodded and did a U-turn to pull into traffic. He tried to take my hand, but I moved it.

Once we were in his apartment, he asked me what happened.

“My mom wants to divorce my dad and she had the therapist tell me.”

“Dammit. Come here.”

He opened his arms wide and I had to stop myself from cuddling in next to him. God, I was such a fucking horrible person. I had thrown myself at a douchebag at a frat party and still wanted to throw myself at Chase.

Guilt swallowed me. Shutting my eyes, I touched his hand. “There’s something else.”

“What?” He searched my face. The blue of his eyes the color of a cloudy, rainy day.

I didn’t want to put more hurt in them, but I needed to tell him how confused I was. “Last night I went to a frat party with Em.”

He tensed. “Did someone hurt you?”

“No.” I shook my head. “No, it’s not that. I kissed someone else.”

His eyes widened. “Oh.”

Shame hit me. Hard. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t owe me an apology. We’re not exclusive.”