Hunter (Broken Bad Boys 1): A New Adult Bad Boy Romance (15 page)

The hay pokes me through my clothes, and I’ll have to wash them tomorrow because they’re gonna smell. I don’t care much about that tonight though. There is nothing as relaxing as being up here in the warmth, surrounded by the smells of my childhood.

I put my phone next to me on a beam so I won’t lose it in the hay. That may have happened in the past… As I put the phone down, the screen lights up and the phone buzzes. I pick the phone up again and open the message. It’s from Lizzy, a drawing of the bearded dragon from this afternoon. It’s scary how well she did the details, as she didn’t take any pictures and I’m pretty sure that she also didn’t search for an image online. I’ve seen her memory at work before, but this is quite genius, especially since we were kind of distracted at that time.

My body heats up at the memory of her body against mine, the way she wrapped my arm around her. The way she trusted me implicitly, even though she was scared. The corset and the skirt made her look so amazing. From the moment she stepped out that door, I wanted her. I wanted to touch her, to hold her. I thought that even with everything that we went through together, nothing would make me want her more. But after today, I want her more than anything.

I reach down, suppressing a moan as I try to make myself more comfortable in my jeans. Why did I wear such a tight pair? Well, I know why… To try and impress Lizzy, which totally worked. I swallow hard as I can’t help touching myself. The way she touched me, the way she looked at me.

I open my jeans further and push my hand in, wrapping around myself. My breath hitches before I get it back under control.

The memories are enough to get me going fast. Her hands on my skin, the feeling of having her in my arms, her eyes raking over my body. Her careful lips on mine as she grew emboldened and demanded more attention. The way she ground against me, probably not even realizing what she was doing. She looked so sensual, so sexual.

I close my eyes, conjuring new images, her hands on me, her lips around me. The face she’ll make as I make her come, the sounds she’ll make as I show her the greatest pleasure she’s ever known.

I come hard and fast, the world going sideways for a moment. Dammit, I’m not fifteen any more, how can a girl make me come like this?

I blindly reach up and find the small box I’ve stashed there years ago. I flip the box open and something falls out, but I’m looking for the tissues. My hand falls on the pack and I rip a tissue out, cleaning myself up. When I finally open my eyes, I see the silver packet that also fell out of the box and my stomach churns. Guilt floods over me, hitting me so hard that I’m not even sure that it had ever left. A condom. This used to be Tessa’s and my favorite spot to sneak off to when we stayed the night at my parents’. We’ve… done quite a couple of things here…

I can barely breathe. I feel like such an asshole as I lie here, thinking of someone else in the spot I used to share with Tessa.

The tears start falling and I’ve got no control to stop them again. I can’t do this, I can’t keep doing this.

Not only am I the wrong guy for Lizzy, I can’t forget about Tessa, because when I do, I do stupid things that make everything even more insane. When I’m around Lizzy, I forget about Tessa, but I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to forget about Tessa. It’s my fault that she’s gone.

I
roll over in bed
, curled under the blanket as I grab my phone. Nothing, no reply to my drawing of the bearded dragon. Hmm. Normally Hunter replies to messages within a few hours. Maybe he was asleep already. I shrug as I put the phone away and curl back under the blanket.

“Lizzy,” Mum calls from downstairs.

“Yeah?” I don’t want to get out of bed yet.

“Don’t forget that you’ve got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Will that interfere with your classes?” Oh, now she’s worried about that.

I hate the monthly check-in with the doctor, but at least it’s a local doctor so I don’t have to travel far and I can just go to class after that. “It’s fine, I don’t have classes on Monday morning anyway.”

“Okay. See you inside.” And I hear her walk out the door.

Fuck, I’d totally forgotten about the appointment. Not because it’ll clash with a class, but I’ve not been very good lately. I swallow hard. There isn’t a scale around here where I can check my weight, so I don’t even know if and how much I’ve lost.

No, I know that I’ve lost weight, I’ve been bad enough for that to happen. And with the trip to the zoo yesterday and the walking I did this week, that’s gotta add up… Fuck.

I sit up and search around the room. I should have a measuring tape around here somewhere. I find it hidden behind some clothes in a drawer, then go over to my laptop and open a hidden file. I measure my neck, my ribs, my waist, my hips and my upper thighs and put all the numbers into the file. My heart sinks as I look at the result. Even though I can’t actually weigh myself, this is pretty good at estimating my weight too, and right now it’s telling me that I’ve probably lost two pounds, maybe more, over the past two weeks… Crap.

My heart starts beating like crazy and I’m getting lightheaded. How the hell am I going to solve this? I can’t lose any weight, I can’t have that. I slowly sit down, trying to stop myself from hyperventilating. I can’t pass out now, I can’t get people get worried about me even more.

There is knocking on my door.

“Yes?”

“Lizzy?” Lola is standing outside, not coming in until I tell her it’s okay.

I look around. If I scramble now to hide all this, she’ll know, but if she sees this… She can’t see this. “I’m sorry, not now.”

“Are you okay? You sound out of breath.”

“I’m fine.” I have to be.

“Okay… Just wanted to see if you wanted to go for a walk.”

Go for a walk? I’m not sure that’s a good idea today… Not if I don’t want to have lost even more weight tomorrow. “No, thanks. I’m staying in, doing homework.”

“Okay. See you later.” Her footsteps go down the stairs again and then I hear the door open and close.

Damn. Okay. First, put all this away. I carefully stand up, not wanting to go all woozy. I save the file and hide it away again, then hide the tape in a new spot. They can’t know I have these. But now I need to get something to eat, because not eating anything in the morning is going to make people suspicious.

I go down the stairs and make some breakfast, adding extra muesli. Every little bit is going to help now. I force it down my throat. I need to eat this, I need to eat more. I need the extra fifty to a hundred calories of the extra muesli right now.

There was one promise that I made when my parents forced me to come home. I could recover at home, but only if I didn’t lose any weight. My weight was only allowed to go up until I reached a healthy weight again. I’m not there yet, but now I’m even further down again.

Fuck. I totally did this myself, and that while other things seem to be going so much better. Damn.

* * *

“
H
ow can you do this
?” Mum’s tears make the bad feeling in my stomach even worse. “How can you keep doing this?”

The doctor looks at me with pity in his eyes. I’m not sure it’s because of my results, or because of the way my mum reacts. I didn’t lose two pounds, I lost four. I tried my best yesterday, eating about five hundred more calories than I’m supposed to, but it didn’t help. Even drinking extra water this morning didn’t help. The damage had already been done and I hadn’t even realized it.

“This can’t keep going like this.” Mum looks at me. “You know what we discussed.”

“This is not a relapse.” My voice pitches. It’s not. “Everything is just a little crazy with starting classes and everything.” They can’t send me to a clinic, not now. I don’t want to have to do that again. I’m not that sick.

Mum looks at the doctor. “Is that true?”

“I can’t give a conclusive answer. But four pounds is a lot to lose for just a little stress.”

Fuck. I know that I can’t keep going like this. But at the same time, I can’t believe the way Mum is looking at me. “No. It’s just a little stress. I’ll get over it and back on track. I promise.” I have to, because if they send me to the clinic, I’ll miss too many classes and if that happens I’ll have to redo my first year again. I can’t do that, I can’t keep doing that.

“Promise me.” The doctor looks at me.

“I promise. I’ll gain the weight back. Anything but going to a clinic.” Dammit, I’ll do anything, I’ll beg even. I just need to stay out of the clinic.

“If your parents agree, I’ve got a schedule for you to follow. You’ve done one of these before. And I want to see you every week until you’ve reached the weight that you were last time.”

“I’ll do it.” I hate the schedule. It means eating every two hours, set meals every time. It breaks up my day so much, but I’ll have to do it.

“I’m not so sure yet.” Mum puts her hand on my arm and I pull back. “I’ll have to talk to my husband about this.”

“Well, I’ll give you the schedule anyway so that you can take a look at it anyway. You can reuse it every week, or I’ll get you a different one next week. You don’t have any diet specifications, yeah? Not vegetarian or allergic to anything?”

I shake my head. At least the doctor seems to be in my corner, at least he understands that I don’t want to leave.

“Here.” He holds out a plasticized card, with meals and times on it. “Also, no sports, no long walks, nothing like that. Preferably you’ll try to keep still as much as possible.”

“Okay.” It’s not like I play sports anyway, though I’m not happy that I can’t go for walks in the forest anymore. I put the card in my bag before Mum can get a hold of it.

“Are you going to follow it? If not, I’ll have to side with your mum that you may need more intense help.”

“I’ll be good. Really. I’ll gain the weight back.” I have so much more to fight for this time around. I can do it, really.

“Okay, if you could make an appointment for next Monday at the front desk, that would be great.” He stands up, giving Mum and then me a hand. “See you next week.”

I quickly stand up and make my way to the front office. “An appointment for next week, please.”

The woman looks up from her screen. “Monday morning at nine?”

“Sounds good.” I don’t care, I just want to get out of here.

The receptionist hands me a card with the new time and date on it and I put it in my pocket. I walk outside, wanting to get away as soon as possible.

“Lizzy.” Mum’s voice is loud and I stop immediately, not turning around just yet. She stops right in front of me, looking at me, glaring at me. “How did this happen?”

“Stress, worry, new things. I lost track for a bit. It will be better next week, I promise.” I hope she’ll accept this, because I don’t have anything else.

“I’m not so sure I agree with the doctor’s plan. I’m going to talk to your father before we decide on what to do next. I still believe that you need more specialized help, fast. Today rather than in three weeks.” Her eyes are sad, and I feel for her. It must not be easy to deal with me, but I also don’t want her to lock me up. “You know what happened last time we didn’t pay attention.”

“That is not the same.” How dare she drag last year into this? “That was totally different, and you know it. Don’t punish me now for something that happened last year. That’s just not fair.”

“It’s not about fair. We’re worried.”

“Yeah, go project your worry some other way. Not by shipping me off so someone else can handle me when you can’t.”

That leaves her stunned, her eyes big, her mouth slightly open. I may have gone too far… “You think we like sending you away? You think we like feeling that we can’t even take care of our own daughter? You really think that?”

“Yes, or you wouldn’t be threatening me with it every opportunity that you get.” I turn around and walk away. I don’t want to do this anymore.

“It’s not like that. Damn, Lizzy. We love you, we want what is best for you.”

“Then let me stay at home, let me go to classes, let me practice art. Don’t take all that away from me.” I can feel tears well up, but I force them down. Not now.

“Where are you going?” Mum follows me, but I’m not walking to the car.

“To class. I’ve got literature today. Or are you telling me that I can’t go to class either?” I glare at her and she steps back.

She stops, looking defeated. “Yeah, you can go to class. I’m going to speak to your father and we’ll talk together after you come back. Okay?”

“Fine.” I take out my bus pass as I check the times on the schedule. “See you when I get home.”

I deliberately turn my back to her as I wait for the bus. I don’t dare to look her way, afraid she’ll still be there. I can’t face her right now. I say the wrong things at the wrong times, as usual.

* * *

I
walk into the workshop
, I’ve still got a couple of hours left before the literature class starts. The lights are on, but I don’t see anyone around. Then I check the private room schedules and see that Hunter is in one of them. My heart makes a little jump, but I push it down immediately. He hasn’t replied to my text from Saturday evening, so I’m assuming that he doesn’t want to see me.

I can take a hint. I freaked him out last Saturday and he doesn’t want to face me now. Fine. I made stupid mistakes anyway. I should have never touched him like that, or kissed him. My face heats up at the memory and a heavy feeling spreads through my body. I write my name down for one of the other private rooms and walk past the doors. It’s not that I want to work, or need to work, but they give a good amount of privacy when I need it.

As I walk past the room Hunter is in, I look inside, but he’s got his back to me and I can’t see what he is working on. So I take the room a couple of doors down and close the privacy curtain on the door.

I open my bag and take out the eating chart. It’s mostly fresh foods, though there is a list with things I’m allowed to substitute. The last time I did this I was just at home, I didn’t have to take classes or anything. Which makes this a little bit more difficult and annoying. I check my bag for a protein bar—at least I can substitute a meal for one of these when I want to. I start eating it as I check every day, looking for swaps, looking for things I’ll need to change or want to change. It’s not a bad schedule. I’ve definitely had worse. Last year’s one was a lot worse, but that was for a lot more weight loss, this is only for a little bit. This I should be able to do. I think.

I let out a groan and put the chart aside, I’m deceiving myself if I think this will be easy. It’s so easy to get used to an eating schedule—dropping calories gets so easy when it’s just a little bit here and there and then little bits more here and there. Before you know it, you’re not eating enough again and bad stuff starts happening, bad stuff like this.

I pull my notebook from my bag and start doodling in it. I need to let these emotions out, I need to let them go. I need to express them. I’m so lost in my own little world that a knock on the door startles me.

“Lizzy?” Hunter’s low voice makes me shiver, immediately conjuring up feelings from last Saturday.

“Yeah?” I stand up, opening the door. I swallow hard. He looks… horrible, exhausted.

“It’s time to go to class. Are you coming?” He doesn’t try to sneak a peek into the room, respecting my privacy. To be honest, he doesn’t even sneak a peek at me either… just plainly staring ahead.