I am America (and so can you!) (111 page)

IN A CLASSIC AMERICAN NEIGH-

BORHOOD. IT WAS A MELTING POT

OF HARDWORKING IRISH, BRITISH, ENGLISH, SCOTTISH,

SCOTS-IRISH, WELSH AND NORTHERN IRISH. EACH
More of a

“melting keg.”

MORNING, MY POP WOULD RISE AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

and walk a mile to pretend he was going to the store to pick up our breakfast. In the winter months, he’d chop down a neighbor’s woodshed so we would have fuel to burn. When he got home, he would polish our shoes. If we couldn’t afford shoes, he’d polish our feet. Then he’d send us off to school, with our sack lunches of pinecones and salt. Once he knew we were taken care of, he’d
Don’t ruin the text.
Let your tears fall

leave for his job working for the local rich guy.

here

All day in class, I would think about what my dad did for us, how hard he worked, and that I never wanted to do any of that. I wanted to be the local rich guy. Today, I am.1

1
If you’re late one more time, you’re fired, Dad.

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

REALITY CHECK: What is the point of my story? Through clean living, moral fortitude, and the foresight to narc out Channel 7’s coke-addicted news
Also, Mike the

anchor, and then take his job and win a regional Emmy for my coverage of
prompter guy?

Hopped up on

his downward spiral, I changed my class status. That’s right, folks. I’m talking
Screamers

about Class.

WHAT IS CLASS?
Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they’re willing to make. BY THE NUMBERS: Every society has its own class structure with a unique
England has 2:

number of classes. France has five: Les Aristocrats, Les Bourgeoisie, Les
Cockneys and

Guv’ners.

Petit-Déjeuners, Les Grand Mal, and Les Moonves. India has one of the most rigid and complex class structures. Based upon their behavior in past lives, all Indians are born into different stratas of society called “castes.”

These castes forever determine what level of tech support questions they are allowed to answer.

Middle class: get off

We in America have three classes: Upper, Middle and Lower.

the fence.

We’re at War. Pick

a side.
2

When I was growing up, we were in the Lower, and today, I’m in the Upper.
SO WHICH CLASS ARE YOU?

Ever have a nagging suspicion that you’re poor? I know my staff does. And that’s one of the reasons I devised this handy “Know Your Class” chart. Class distinctions aren’t just used to figure out where you sleep on a cruise ship. They are also used by pollsters and advertisers to better understand our buying habits.

If you know which class you belong to, you know which commercials you should pay attention to.

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2
To future readers: I assume we’re at war with someone.

INSTRUCTIONS

For each question, circle the response that’s closest to your answer. Good Luck.
QUESTION

LOW E R

MIDDLE

UPPER

What keeps you

Sound of your own

Growing suspicion

“Should my topiary

up at night?

weeping

you’ve been duped

animals be alphabetized by plant

or by animal they

represent?”

Retirement

Diabetes

Unable to retire

Alternating rounds

activities

thanks to children’s

of golf and plastic

educations

surgery

Your annual

0

$25,000

0

Federal tax bill

Favorite drink

Grain alcohol and

Chardonnay

Human Growth

Robitussin

Hormone

Plan for accruing
Powerball ticket

Scrimping and

Continuing to

wealth

saving

breathe

What did you eat

High fructose

Whatever Jenny

Scrambled

for breakfast?

corn syrup

Craig said I could

Fabergé Eggs

Where did you

The fire escape

Mall of America

Private island that’s

go on your last

shaped like me

vacation?

What sports do

Gun Ball

Softball team sponTraining show dogs

you play?

sored by bar you

to play polo

hide from family in

What TV show

Any broadcast with

Everybody Loves

History Channel:

best reflects

Anderson Cooper

Raymond

Finding

your life?

on the edge of tears

Nazi Gold!

What kind of

$175 Nike Air Force

Whatever Payless

No shoes. Had the

shoes do you

25 Supremes

had in my size

yard leathered.

wear?

TOTAL SCORE:

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Now count up your circled answers by column.

The column with the most circles is your class!

(If you feel like your answer is in between two responses, making you, say,

“upper-middle class,” you should remember that the phrase “upper-middle class” is a meaningless term created by the Upper class to keep the Middle class from joining with the Lower class when the Revolution comes.) Based on your score, fill in the blanks.

“I,

, am

class.”

(Name Here)

Introduce yourself this way from now on, and you’ll quickly learn if you’re at the right party.

WANT TO CHANGE YOUR CLASS? HERE’S HOW.

As a pundit, it’s my job to fight for the little guy. In terms of the percentage of population, that means the Upper class. But all Americans are important to me. I won’t be satisfied until everyone is in the top one percent. See, we’re lucky here in America. We live in a free market society. Think of it as a ladder. No matter what rung you’re born on, you have the exact same
Don’t tell the poor

opportunity as everyone else to get to the top. Sure, you might say that some
about the escalator.

folks have less distance to climb than others, or that many of the lower rungs are slippery because they’re covered with garbage and your high school didn’t have an AP Ladder Climbing class, and the rung right above you is out of order and your landlord keeps saying he’s going to fix it but he never does and all the while the guy who hangs out on the corner of your rung is constantly trying to get you high, and you’re wondering if maybe you could get a little help up this ladder? Well, Mister, all the help you need is at your fingertips, if your finger-tips are touching your ankles. I’m talking about bootstraps.
You can always pull yourself up by your bootstraps or turn the lemons
When life hands

you a farm, make

life has given you into lemonade.

Farm-Aid.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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But some people would rather stay poor just to make us feel guilty. Well, don’t look for any sympathy here. Instead of getting rich and paying their
No sympathy here either
own way, they’d rather go on welfare, and the liberals are more than happy to give it to them.

Now, I’m not the smartest knife in the spoon, so explain this to me. We’re supposed to help folks out of poverty by
giving them a financial reward
for being poor?
Doesn’t add up. If being poor is a never-ending money party, where’s the incentive to get rich?

Answer me this:
what’s going to help a shiftless vagabond more, a page of food stamps or the page from this book where I explain the free market

“ladder”?

Hint:
My paragraph gives him
motivation
and maybe even teaches him what a ladder is.

AT THIS POINT:
You’re probably wondering why I titled this chapter

“Combat of the Class Commandos: The Coming Cashpocalypse.” My editor may have changed it to something else. But he’ll regret it. Publishing 101: Alliteration sells books. (I spent hours trying to make that rule alliterative, but it’s impossible.)

Buy book. Big bargain,

bro.

GUT SPEAKING: Now some people might say it’s callous not giving food stamps to poor people. They would say it’s just another example of class warfare. Well, there
is
no class war in this country. The Upper class has such a tactical advantage that if the Lower class makes a sudden move we’ll

“Classacre” for short

have a class massacre.

If you ask me, the Upper class shows admirable restraint. They could easily freeze out the poor and man their factories with robots or mice. Instead, they offer them the opportunity for a decent wage, and up to two bathroom breaks.
If you’re reading this
in the bathroom, get

back to work!

But do folks in the Lower classes respond with even a simple gesture of gratitude like giving up a decent wage and one of those bathroom breaks? No. Instead, they form unions, which they use to bully our nation’s factory owners with walkouts, strikes, and that one Sally Field movie where she plays a labor organizer with sixteen personalities.

Steel Magnolias?

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

ARE YOU IN A UNION?
(Please circle one)

Yes

No

Thank you for filling out my labor questionnaire. If you circled “yes,” know that
Don’t feel guilty,

I could have you replaced with a single phone call. There are hundreds of scabs
scabs.

You help with the

out there who can read my book just as well as you can. Don’t tempt me.
healing.

WILL YOU TEMPT ME?
(Please circle one)
Yes

No

I trust you made the right choice.

Take a look at this little tit bit I found in
The Chicago Tribune:
Seems some enviro-“mental” group, the Ecology Center, is claiming that the new-car smell we all crave is actually a deadly cocktail of chemical pollutants:

That New-car Smell May Be Newest Hazard

Of primary concern are bromine used for flame retardants, chlorine used in Of primary concern are bromine used for flame retardants, chlorine used in plasticizers and lead used in plastics, as well as arsenic, copper, plasticizers and lead used in plastics, as well as arsenic, copper mercury and

, mercury and

nickel that have been linked to allergies,

nickel that have been linked to aller

birth defects, impaired learning, liver

gies, birth defects, impaired learning, liver

toxicity and cancer.

toxicity and cancer

Now at first I thought this was just another buzz-shackle attempt by the envious hippie nut-jobs who can’t afford a new car every season because chaining yourself to a maple tree doesn’t pay what it used to in the 60s. But then it hit me: something more insidious was going on here. Who spends a lot of time breathing in that new-car smell?
The Upper Class.
Who’s loading those cars up with toxic chemicals? Factory Workers.
The Lower Class.

So are we in a Class War? I don’t know, but if we are, it’s pretty clear who just fired the first shot.

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A SURPRISING ADMISSION

Sometimes I envy the folks in the Lower classes. Like the kid I was pretending to be in the story I made up at beginning of this chapter. They have so much to look forward to. Their bootstraps are so loose and fit for pulling. Mine can’t go any tighter. I’m losing circulation as it is.

But poor people have a very precious gift: something to strive for. But I’ve got nothing left to reach for because I’ve been so successful at everything I’ve put my hands on. Sometimes I can’t think of a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
The Midas grope
Luckily for me, I have a motorized bed. I like to drive it down to the rough side of town and give the people on the streets inspiration to work harder.
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