I am America (and so can you!) (106 page)

The first job interview I had was with Milton Berle. I’ll never forget what he said to me after reading my joke packet: “Good material, kid, but I think you can inject more references to the industrial class structure.”

And he was right. Only three of my jokes mentioned the evils of private ownership. That’s comedy gold! To me the perfect joke didn’t end with a laugh, but with an agonizing reappraisal of the worker’s suppression by the entrenched plutocrats. It’s funny because it’s true.

Of course, my career as a TV comedy writer wasn’t always easy. But whenever things got rough, I’d remind myself that if my jokes got just one person to sell nuclear secrets to the Russians, then it was all worth it.

I’ll leave you with this joke I wrote for Sid Caesar:

“President Truman is like Communist ideology. No class.”

Za-bang!

FUN

Match the Celebrity with Their Pet Cause

1 Leonardo DiCaprio

2 Rosie O’Donnell

3 Sheryl Crow

4 Alec Baldwin

a “End the war in the Middle East!” B “Equal rights for homosexuals!”

C “Stop global warming!”

D “Hey! Look at me!”

)

-D; 3-D; 4-D

s: 1-D; 2

er

w

Ans

(

Part Three

In 1997, I was made the anchor of the Channel 7 News on WPTS Patterson Springs, North Carolina. I got promoted after I narced out the previous anchor, Wayne Colt, for his coke addiction and won a local Emmy for my investigative report, “Anchor Away: The Tragic Downward Spiral of Wayne Colt.”

I was getting too big for Patterson Springs (Pop. 620), so that fall I sent out a reel of my best reports: “From Wayne to Worse: The Continuing Struggles of Wayne Colt,” “Wayne Damage: The Hidden-Camera Footage Wayne Colt Begged Me Not to Show You,” “Wayne, Wayne Go Away: Living in Fear of a Former Colleague,” and “Never the Wayne Shall Meet: My Restraining Order Against Wayne Colt, Coke Fiend.”

I immediately got a call from
The Daily Show
. I had made it to the Big Time, so I moved to the Big City and bought the Big House.

Now I had real responsibilities. If something goes wrong with your house, it’s your problem. And boy, can things go haywire. There’s electricity and fuse boxes and three-prong outlets. It’s like living in the Space Station. No one warned me that life would involve science, except my science teacher. But, of course, he’s going to say that. He’s got a job to protect.

Four months after moving in, I noticed that the yard looked terrible. When we did the final walk-through, the lawn was beautiful. Now the grass was waist high and shaggy. Had I been sold a bill of goods? I faced the problem like a man and I called my lawyer.

He called a landscaper.

Now I knew a lot of yard guys were illegal immigrants—Blue-Collar Banditos stealing manual labor jobs away from Americans who had moved onto something less strenuous. So I let them do the lawn, then asked to see their green cards. They didn’t have any, so I went inside and called INS. When Los Federales rolled up, I shouted from the window, “Enjoy mowing Mexico!”

It was an ugly scene. Turns out, they didn’t have green cards because they were all Americans. In fact, African-Americans. I explained that I don’t see Race. On that subject, I am very enlightened—and equally
endarkened
. Eventually, everything was smoothed over with some sizeable tips to the landscapers, and to the cops. I tell this story to illustrate the issues we all face as American Adults. I call them the four Ss and one M of Maturity: Socioeconomics, Segregation, Science, Sombreros, and the Media.

149

fig 12.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 1 0

“I read the news today. Oh boy.”

–John Lennon, Liverpudlian flash-in-the-pan

FIRST JOB IN THE NEWS GAME WAS

MY
WRITING THE POLICE BLOTTER FOR

THE DORCHESTER COUNTY PENNY-

SAVER IN MY HOME STATE OF SOUTH

CAROLINA. I WAS 17, AND I WAS HUNGRY. I’D HANG OUT

AT THE LOCAL PRECINCT, PORING OVER POLICE REPORTS

AND SWAPPING WAR STORIES WITH THE BOYS IN BLUE.

Great bunch of guys—Seamus, Mickey, Potato Bill, Old Whiskey Pat, New Whiskey Pat, Paddy, and “Irish” (the black guy). It was a great way to hone my journalistic chops while learning about Law and Order. I took the job seriously, and I did it well. Recently, I unearthed my first column from its frame on my wall:

Police Blotter
by Stephen “Tater”

by Stephen “T

Colbert

ater” Colbert

LOITERING:

LOITERING: At

A 1:44

1:44

NARCOTICS:

NARCOTICS: A

A suspiROBBERY

ROBBER :

Y: An

An elderly

Feel free to cut this

am

am Tuesday

T

, an Officer

ficer

cious person was reported

Rosinville resident, 79, told

out and frame it on

, an Of

cious person was reported

Rosinville resident, 79, told

your wall.

pursued two suspects

pursued two suspects

loitering outside a gas

loitering outside a gas

police that somebody might

police that somebody might

believed to be playing loud

believed to be playing loud station near the bus depot.

station near the bus depot.

have entered her residence

have entered her residence

music in the parking lot

music in the parking lot

(Probably somebody

(Probably somebody

and moved items around.

and moved items around.

behind Durant Hardware

behind Durant Hardware

waiting for drug dealers

waiting for drug dealers

Nothing appeared to be

Nothing appeared to be

at V

at Vandberg

andber

venue. The

Avenue. The

—maybe a couple of loud

—maybe a couple of loud

missing. (T