I am America (and so can you!) (105 page)

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Somewhere along the line, these A-list A-holes confused “box office” with

“running for office.”
Hey Celebrities!
Just because 20 million people went to see your movie, that doesn’t mean 20 million people

care about your opinions! Your job is to distract us

from the horrors of the world, not to call our attention

to them! We just want to be entertained. We want you

to make us laugh, or cry, or worry if two cheerleaders

from such different backgrounds can ever bridge their

differences. That’s it.

They can!

And you know what? Cut it out with the fundraisers already. Who’s getting all that cash? Refugees? Rain forests? Harp seals? If a Harp seal needs money that badly, it should do what I do. I hold a little fundraiser every day. It’s called Going to Work. Without it, I’d be a charity case. Maybe they should give it a shot. Check the want ads—there’s plenty of them out there. And don’t give me “Harp seals can’t survive in an office habitat,” because that excuse doesn’t
Air Bud?

hold water anymore, thank you very much, Americans with Disabilities Act.
I blame Title IX

You Hollywood liberal elites need to realize that you

wouldn’t be famous at all if it weren’t for Middle

America. So stop trying to use your fascinating

portrayals of Marie Antoinette to turn red states blue.

You have a choice. You don’t have to support

America—it’s a free country. But if you’re not going to

I’m no fan!

stand up for This Land of Ours, at least be consumed

by some inner demons. Snort glue. Make a sex tape. Spiral out of control in a headline-grabbing way until you’re wandering toothless through Malibu backyards or telling Larry King that you speak in a musical birdlike tongue to the alien beings that visit you at night in the form of vibrating bands of color on your bedroom wall. This is very entertaining while also being a cautionary tale for our children.

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So now that you know what’s wrong with Hollywood, let me ask you
a Question.
If someone screwed off the top of your head, scooped out your brain and filled your skull with garbage, would you fight back? You bet your screw-top head you would.

Get a childproof cap

on that skull!

IT’S A CULTURE WAR—TIME TO STRIKE BACK!

Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America’s ills, I’m a man of action. Here are a few simple steps you can take to end the stranglehold that the Entertainment industry has on our need for being entertained.

Apply Liberally

Boycott!
Cut them off from your money. But just as importantly, cut their message off from your eyes. Immediately stop consuming all entertainment. This means TV, radio, movies, music, video games, magazines, newspapers, books, cell phone ringtones, the backs of cereal boxes, Bazooka Joe wrappers, riddles on Dixie Cups, fortune cookies, novelty t-shirts, and seafood restaurant placemats. Boredom will be your greatest enemy, so make your own fun. Time was a family could get a wonderful evening out of some sheet music and an egg timer. Bonus: You’ll be an empty-nester years earlier than your friends.
Switch to Christian entertainment!
For every corrupt Hollywood influence there’s a life-affirming Christian equivalent. For instance, instead of rotting my mind with the mindless violence of a game like “Grand Theft Auto,” I play “Left Behind: Eternal Forces.” That way, I know every enemy I kill goes directly to Hell.

Write letters!
Let the child-poisoners know that you’re keeping an eye on them. Write them e-mails on an hourly basis to tell them how offensive you find the movies you’re not seeing. It’s amazing how easy it is to make “I’m praying for you” sound like a threat.

I’m praying for you.

Go camping!
Drop off the grid and get away from the corroding influences of the debased culture and return to nature, preferably to Idaho with a group of like-minded patriots, their child brides, and a cache of weapons. You never know when Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms is going to show up and try to make you watch
Capote
.

Truman?

More like False-man!

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

If all else fails pull the old switcheroo and:

Consume everything! Totally immerse yourself in the filth of pop culture to build a callus on your soul. It’s like when my Dad caught me with cigarettes when I was twelve and forced me to finish an entire carton of Kools. Worked like a charm. Haven’t smoked a menthol since.

If you don’t think Hollywood has tricks up its sleeve, maybe you should get out of the sleeve-checking business.

The problem with Hollywood, as if there weren’t enough problems already, is that the minute you’ve whacked that weed in one place, up it sprouts somewhere else.5 Well, the latest rock it’s crawled out from under is a doozy.

Not content to pour their poison across the silver screen, the LA studio heavyweights who run Broadway are now evidently shipping it directly to the Heartland.

Need proof? Just look at this headline out of W

Appleton

isconsin from the

News-Leader:

Disney’s “The Lion King” is about to hit town

The staff

The staf of the Sommers Center for the Performing Arts

f of the Sommers Center for the Performing

is preparing for the

Arts is preparing for the

arrival of the Broadway hit. “Everybody is very excited,” said town manager of the Broadway hit. “Everybody is very excited,” said town manager Barbara Kingholm.

Barbara Kingholm.

Sadly these milk-fed innocents clearly don’t know what they’re in for.
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5
I recommend RoundUp by the good folks at Monsanto!

But I’ve been there, so let me warn you. The effects of live theater are way harder to shake off than movies. It’s frighteningly intimate and, worst of all, you’ve got
no control
. It’s like breaking up with a girl in person. When I watch
The Lion King
at home, I can safely end the movie before Mufasa’s untimely death. But when I bring my remote control to the live 6

performance, it doesn’t work. All I can do is watch helplessly as the hyenas execute their perfect crime.

“Slow down, you wildebeests! That lion is your king!”

Apparently yelling at the stage is
verboten
, even if to challenge Scar to pistols at dawn.

Because I am always ushered out at this point, but not soon enough to spare me a harsh dose of reality. You see, a movie you can dismiss when the lights come up.

But a play?
Those animals were real people.

Mak

i

eup W zardry!

6
I even tried changing the batteries.

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A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

Here’s a joke for you:

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What will it be,

Mac?” The man looks at the drink menu and says, “How ’bout a

revolution of the proletariat?”

Zing! I wrote that one for Dinah Shore back in 1954.

You see, I used to be a comedy writer, and like many

comedians during the ’50s, there was nothing I wanted more

than to use my jokes to overthrow the government and replace

Mort Sinclair,

it with a classless Communist society.

Former TV Comedy

It all started when I was a kid. I remember sitting in the

Writer, Communist

movie house watching The Three Stooges, hearing everyone

laugh, and thinking to myself, “I know what I want to do. Undermine the capitalist system and replace it with collective farms.”

Quick! A man and his wife are lying in bed. The wife says, “Honey, why don’t you roll over here and kiss me?” The man says, “I would, but I’m shackled by my capitalist oppressors!” Hot-cha!