I am America (and so can you!) (101 page)

125

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

C LIT 211

C LIT 314

C LIT 342

CSE 322

DANCE 306

DRAMA 101

ENG 324

ETHN 384

H ART 331

PHIL 101

PHIL 356

PSYCH 101

REL 212

REL 308

SCI 252

SOC 360

C HIS 416

20TH CENTURY MEXICAN SOCIAL MOVEMENTS

WOMEN 357

WOMEN ON WOMEN: THE LITERATURE OF LIBERATION.

126

Now you that you have your education covered, what will you do with all that free time? Well, luckily, college is good for one thing. Can you guess what it is?

I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “secret” and ends with “societies.”

Whether they be Fraternities or Eating Clubs or (in Louisiana) Parishes, universities are the best places a young man can meet and bond with, through an elaborate hazing process, those who can give him a leg up for the rest of his life.

I cemented my lasting relationships with America’s future movers and shakers by being forced to strip naked with half my fellow pledges and pass a greased 45 rpm record of Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” from ass crack to ass crack. It
Still played post-crack.
Let’s see an MP3

could have been worse. The other half of the pledges were passing a greased
do that.
turntable.

Don’t believe me?
While most of his peers at Yale were writing essays about the tension between stasis and dynamism in
Mariana in the Moated Grange
, young George W. Bush was making the connections that would eventually lead to him becoming the most Powerful Man in the World.™

In your face,

whoever’s

in charge of China!

I speak, of course, of
Skull and Bones
, a shadowy organization that admits only the most deserving Yalesmen. Its members swear an oath of secrecy, and use their wealth and access to power to promote one another once they graduate into the “real world.” For well over a century, Skull and Bones has provided a safe and brotherly environment where future Supreme Court Justices, Presidents, and Captains of Industry can gather to urinate on Geronimo’s bones.

THE TAKEAWAY: Contrary to what you’ll be taught in college, evolution is a farce, but Darwin did have one good idea: Social Darwinism. You see, in the animal kingdom, God grants long life to whichever lion He thinks is prettiest. But in the world of human society, only the strongest, boldest, and worthiest individuals have the most sex, get the most power, and live the longest. College is the place to meet those people, and once you do, find out their darkest secret.

It may come in handy some day.

It probably involves

their suitemate…and

some New Ideas!

127

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

March the 13th, this two thousand and seventh year of what

some may consider Our Lord.

I am Doctor Bernard Brunner, distinguished professor at

a well-known and esteemed liberal arts university. Some may

query, “Of what are you scholarly?” Tragically, even I am not

quite certain of that which is my endeavor. It ends in –ology?

I am certain only of this—that life is fleeting and that much

of my own has been wasted within the confines of small rooms

Doctor Bernard Brunner

and even smaller minds. I have spooled the thread of my life

Distinguished Professor

arguing meaningless rhetorical questions with unformed,

untried brains and vainly pressing nimble, young flesh into service. Oh, to feel the biting wind on my face. To wake in the early, still dark morn and milk a barn full of swelled cows. Or perhaps to live in the rough city, grasping steel work parts in my hard-calloused hands, the merit badge of the working man!

But alack, harsh fate has decreed that none of these paths will be mine. For I have tenure, and she is far too comforting a mistress to loose me from her grasp for long. I lay in her arms and suck from her teat, fat and oily.

And here I sit. And here I shall sit.

And like a sneaky merman singing on the rocks, I try to lure young sailors away from the charted waters to a harsh and certain doom. Plug your ears, and though you be young, be wise! Listen not to me, and distrust me upon first sight! I will trap you in the learnings of the past. Look to the future! Away! Good sea!

You must live to learn. Pray live. Whilst I, like all unnecessary things, do but shrivel…

Dry out… And turn to dust.

With the most sincere of wishes,

Dr. Bernard Brunner, Ph.D.

FUN

Name The Aca-demon Lurking Behind The Beard

1 T

2

ed Kaczynski

Gloria Steinem

3 Charlie Manson

4 Evil Spock

a

b

c

d

HINTS

1. He led a small coven of fanatical followers who

3. His cold logic, or “book-thinking,” masks a

called themselves “The Family.” Often called the

sociopathic indifference to human emotion.

“Fifth Beatle.”

Bonus Hint: he tortured the mirror-world version

of Mr. Chekhov in an “agony booth” in “Mirror,