I am America (and so can you!) (103 page)

subsidiary of

(2006). I don’t

company.

20th century.

Japanese baby

Viacom. Keep

want to feel any

during studio

those hits

guiltier than I

title card

coming!

already do about

eating penguins.

134

As you can see, for a while, everything was dandy-dory in “The City of Angels.”

But guess who shows up to crash the party and ruin it? You guessed it—
Did you guess it?

Yes

The Supreme Court.

No

(Cut along line and

keep in wallet)

On May 4, 1948, the Supreme Court ruled that the Big Five studios had violated U.S. antitrust laws and set off a process that led to their dissolution. Ten days later, the State of Israel was proclaimed. Coincidence?

I believe so.

ONCE AGAIN:
The old adage proved true: “The Supreme Court hates America.” Suddenly, it was no longer okay for studios to force their female leads to take diet pills or copulate with rams.

Ewe!

And talk about hypocrisy! In 1952, the Supreme Court made another “ruling.”
I thought “rulings”

were for kings!

This time, it was that movies were protected by the First Amendment! That’s right, just four years after they criminalized Hollywood’s
free market
, they upheld Hollywood’s
free speech
! Which is it, Supreme Court? Are “free” things good or bad?

Tragically, the 1952 First Amendment decision all but killed off the Production Code, the industry’s guidelines for keeping movies moral. It was like the Bill of Rights, only for movies, and instead of saying what you
could
do, it said what you
couldn’t
.

THE PRODUCTION CODE:

SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUFWIEDERSEHEN, GOODBYE

Cut Rolf some slack!

The Motion Picture Production Code of 1930, often called the “Hays Code”

because that’s what it forbade onscreen couples from rolling in, was a strict set of guidelines meant to ensure that motion pictures set a positive example. It was created to curb the corrupting influence of movies like
The Bathing Kuties
of ’28
and
Gangbang Dames of ’29
. The Code took effect on March 31, 1930, five months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. The Hays Code is gone
When America
fell victim to the

now, but a look back at some of its clauses shows how much we have lost.
British Invasion

135

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

CODE OF CONDUCT (cont.)

657. A man and a woman must never be shown lying in the same bed, unless it has been previously established that one of them is dead.

658. Lascivious dancing shall be prohibited unless it is performed by dusky native girls. Dusky native girls shall be prohibited unless they are portrayed by white actresses.

659. Cannibalism shall not be portrayed or implied, unless hunger first drives the cannibalistic character to visualize his victim as an enormous roast chicken.

660. Seduction and rape are never proper subjects for comedy. Copping a feel shall be considered on a case-by-case basis.

661. Characters may not walk and chew gum at the same time.

662. Scenes of childbirth, in fact or in silhouette, are never to be presented. The same restriction applies to rabbits being pulled from hats. 663. If a character places a folded towel over a second character's eyes and then invites him to do a sit-up while a third character removes his pants and squats in such a manner that the sit-up will bring the second character's nose into contact with the third character's naked nether sphincter, this action must be followed by a fourth character, preferably a member of the clergy, expressing disapproval.

664. Characters must never discuss the high suicide rate among dentists in a manner that implies they “have it coming.”

665. If a scene includes a train entering a tunnel, the tunnel shall not be portrayed as enjoying it.

667. Should it be necessary to the story for a character to burp, sneeze and pass gas at the same time, the action must result in death.

668. If the story calls for an animal character such as Lassie or Rin Tin Tin to save a child’s life, the reward may not be “a free ride on Timmy's leg.”

670. For Christ's sake, somebody put a bra on Jean Harlow.

136

By 1968, the Production Code was no more. But, sorry Supreme Court, its death wasn’t excessive, lustful, or perverted.

Fittingly, it went out

without a “bang.”

FUN FACT: If we still had the Hays Code, they could never have made
The DaVinci Code!

For your moral convenience, you can use this book as an improvised Production Code.

CUT

Don’t cut here

HERE

Just cut along the line and watch movies made after 1968 through the hole. Move the page around to avoid objectionable content. For instance, focus on the actors’ faces, especially during sex scenes.

Be careful not to

mistake Russell Crowe’s

ass for his face.

137

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

A WORD ON CENSORSHIP: The creative class says it’s unconstitutional, but I advocate censorship. It’s my First Amendment right to do so. They want you to believe censorship hinders creativity. Hogwash. Just the opposite! Take foul language. It’s easy for a lazy screenwriter to put the words “fuck you, cocksucker” into a character’s mouth, but the artist who translates that phrase for an airing on prime time television or a transcontinental flight is forced to come up with the much more interesting “flip you, cod bucket!” I ask you, which is more “creative”?

NEWS ON THE MARCH!

The Time: The 1950s. America loves Ike!

The scene: Washington! Cheese-fed senators from the Heartland
lead a desperate fight to keep Communist sympathizers from writing

“I Remember Mama.”

Luckily, the Golden Age of Hollywood was followed by an even Goldener Age, the Age of the Blacklist. Patriotic Americans secretly denounced Hollywood’s most dangerous Fellow Travellers to America’s House Un-American Activities Committee, led by American hero Joe McCarthy. America.

MY TURN:
One of my greatest regrets is that I never got the opportunity to

“name names.” And I would have named enough names to fill the Moscow phone book.

Luckily, I do have the opportunity to
rename
some names that were named all those years ago. So, here they are, a collection of blacklisted Hollywood comrades who were stopped from destroying our nation right in the nick of time. Most of the charges never added up to anything more than whispers and innuendo, but in Hollywood, whispers and innuendo are accepted as truth.
Tried without a jury

If you don’t believe me, ask Richard Gere’s gerbil.

138