I am America (and so can you!) (100 page)

Fear Factor
.

•

Public speaking: Can the faculty member enunciate the secret

loyalty oath when they are called upon to do so by a tribunal?

•

Good-faith attempts at heterosexuality: Prospective professors

would be required to produce evidence of at least five years’ worth of heterosexual congress. (I’m open-minded. I don’t say you must be straight to teach our youth. I only ask that you try.)

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

•

Loyalty: If they fell into enemy hands, could the professor keep
It involves a glass rod

the loyalty oath secret? No matter what unspeakable act be visited
and a hammer!

upon

them?

•

Essay: Why Ayn Rand would thrash Shakespeare in a fair fight. This isn’t a metaphor for the disparity in the receptions afforded their differing philosophies in today’s left-leaning universities. Professors would be required to describe how she’d kick his ass in a bar.

FROM BAD TO WORDS

Told you it was

The easiest way for college professor “bees” to administer their “idea poison”

coming back

is through their “thought-stingers,” commonly called “books.”

WAKEUP CALL: Think books aren’t scary? Well, think about this:

You can’t spell “Book” without “Boo!”

The only good book is the Good Book. Come on, the word “Good” is right there in the title. And if there’s one thing you can learn from the Bible, it’s that books are responsible for the Fall of Man. Look at the story of Adam and Eve. Their lives were pretty great—until they ate fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Now, you don’t have to be a biblical scholar to see that the fruit clearly represents a book. First, both come from a tree. Second, if my first point didn’t convince you, I’m not going to waste my breath with another.

God’s point:
Ignorance isn’t just bliss, it’s Paradise.

Unfortunately, Paradise is Lost, and Ignorance may no longer be an option. The Sad Truth is Knowledge has become a racket, and these days it’s nearly impossible for the uneducated to break into the world of highly paid professionals. Doctors and lawyers (even some
dentists
) have to go college. So to live in the gated communities to which you’d like to become accustomed, you’ve got to play ball. College Ball.

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GETTING IN

First off, if you’re going to squander your youth in the Ivory Jungle, at least shoot for the Top Schools. They provide something the best firms look for, called
cachet
.

Note: The “t” is silent.

Classy.

Rule of Thumb:
If they’re not in the first two pages of
U.S. News and World
Report College Guide
, all they offer is information and the possibility of drunken sex with your suitemate—a dangerous potential that will gnaw at you for the rest of your life.

Did your suitemate

gnaw on you?

The ultimate goal of going to a Top School is the quiet satisfaction of whipping out your Alma Mater at opportune moments. At first blush, most would peg me as an average Joe, and I’m proud of that. But my sheepskin announces to all assembled that though I may be a man of the people, I also have the keys to the clubhouse. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard the phrase, “You went to Dartmouth? I find that hard to believe.”

Heard it while at

Dartmouth, too

THE BAD NEWS

Admissions is an arbitrary and demoralizing process, and no matter how hard you work, the outcome is often determined by personal connections. You know what else is like that?

Life.

Also, love-tester machines. No way I’m a “Cold Fish.”

I’m at least a

“Pretty Spicy.”

THE GOOD NEWS

There’s an entire industry in this country devoted to getting kids into college. And while you may not need Kaplan’s or
The Princeton Review
to get into a decent school, you should pay for them anyway. We live in a capitalist society. Love it or leave it.

Applying to college teaches youngsters résumé-building, a.k.a.: lying. Here’s how it works, kids. Let’s say one day you’re bored in class, so to pass the time, you make out with the Danish exchange student across the aisle. Now, on your
“Hands” Christian
Andersen

college application, you can say that you carried out an Independent Study in Foreign Tongues.

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

BY THE NUMBERS: Even the least-padded résumé can be overcome with
I went to Dartmouth.

a solid application essay. Here’s the one that got me into Dartmouth:
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There are two secrets that make this essay great.

Secret number one: A Thesaurus. Eggheads love the words, so the more you jam in there, the better. Think of it as a verb sausage.

Secret number two: The last sentence. All it takes is a little research, and you can find the campus library, dormitory, or stadium that most plausibly could have been donated by your family. You’d be surprised how rarely these folks check into your background if you show up to the interview wearing an ascot. CHASE CUTTING: You got in! Feel good? It should. You were deemed worthy, while your high school rival is going to his safety school.

Baghdad State

NOW WHAT?

When you get to college you’ll be on your own, maybe for the first time in your life. You will soon learn that peer pressure is a terrible thing. You’re going to be tempted to go follow the crowd—into a classroom. Fight it. Because there’s no need to attend a single lecture.

Don’t believe me?
Professor Colbert is going to tell you all you need to know. You’re about to get four years’ worth of college in five minutes. I went through the course catalogue for a prestigious university—I won’t say which, because I might have a shot at an honorary doctorate there—and I found that I could reduce the pertinent content of every class into one sentence. I didn’t include graduate classes, because if you’re even considering an advanced degree, I’ve already lost you.