I am America (and so can you!) (98 page)

NOT “Ah, men.”

Eve. If God were gay, he would have turned Adam’s rib into Dermot Mulroney.

It’s not “Hail Larry,

•

DESTROYED THE CITY OF SODOM: He didn’t rent a summer

Full of Grace.”

cottage there, he destroyed it!

•

HE TURNED MOSES’ “STAFF” INTO A “SERPENT”: If he was

gay, it’d be the other way around.

And it’s not “Our

•

TURNED WATER INTO WINE: Not Appletinis. Not Cosmos. God

Father who art in

Kevin.”

likes his booze straight and served from an animal skin.

So I think we can put to bed this crazy idea that God is gay.

Okay, I’m gonna roust it for a second because I think it bears repeating. He’s
Hetero sleep

not gay. Back to sleep, idea.

And He certainly doesn’t believe in Gay Marriage. The institution of marriage is meant for a man and a woman. It’s right there in the Bible, right after God tells everyone to stone the gays. Nowhere does God say he wants pairs of men to be fruitful and multiply. If that’s what He’d wanted, He would have given gay men ovaries and breasts and luscious lips. But he only gave them the luscious lips.
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AND YET…

The biggest threat facing America today—next to socialized medicine, the Dyson vacuum cleaner, and the recumbent bicycle—is Gay Marriage. It’s like the Red Coats, Green Peace, and the Yellow Peril combined. I call it The Lavender Armageddon. And it is the biggest threat facing America today. (See above.)

Now, the Man-Hugger huggers out there are saying, “Mary, please! What about
They say this.
the Iraq War? Surely that’s a bigger threat than Gay Marriage.” Yes, Iraq is the Central Front in the War on Terror© and We’re Fighting Them Over There So We Don’t Have to Fight Them Over Here.™ But consider this: who, other than terrorists, wants to destroy our way of life? The Gays. Allowing them to marry would be like strapping on a suicide vest with a matching cummerbund.1

When I married my wife she became Mrs. Stephen Colbert. Likewise, I became Mr. Stephen Colbert. We went from being two autonomous individuals to a team whose sole focus was winning the game of life. By winning, of course, I mean procreation. And we have won! We have procreated. And I mean no disrespect to those readers who have not had children. There is no shame in being a genetic dead end.

Dinosaurs are

extinct and more

popular than ever!

Now marriage involves a lot of sacrifice. For instance, my wife frowns on me having sex with anyone but her. If marriage is suddenly available to everyone, I’m not sure I want to make those sacrifices. I guess it’s like that wise old joke: I don’t want to belong to any club that would have gay people as a member.2

At one time (I believe it was 1952), acceptance of the gay lifestyle was so low that there were exactly two homosexuals in the continental United States. One was male, and one was female, so they never tried to get married. But today tolerance is at a dangerous level, and if it keeps increasing at current rates, everyone will gay marry, and our grandchildren’s grandchildren may never be born. Or worse.

They’ll be gay adopted.3

1
Yes, gays, I know: it’s vest or cummerbund. Now do you see my point?

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2
Here’s another oldie but goodie: Q: Why did the gay fireman wear red suspenders?

A: He didn’t. He wanted his pants to fall down.

3
A quick word about gay children. And by that I mean “children of gays” rather than “children who are gay.”

I don’t believe someone can choose to be gay until they’ve experienced either college or
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
, whichever comes first.

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

My name is Austin, and I am a reformed homosexual.

I was only six years old the first time I chose to pervert nature. I was with my mother at the bike store, and I decided to feel a thrill of excitement when I noticed a shiny purple Schwinn with plastic flowers on the basket.

From that point on, I chose to feel different from the other

boys in my class. Until the age of twelve, I merely elected to feel a vague sense of not quite fitting in. But then, when puberty hit,
Austin,

I resolved to be alienated from and picked on by male peers.

a formerly gay man

I kept up this sinful pattern well into my twenties. I chose

the urges that made my father stop talking to me; I selected

the longings that led a group of morally stronger men to beat me up in a parking lot; I even picked the sense of contentment I felt during a three-year live-in relationship with an older man. But all that time, I knew I was living against God’s will. And so, I tried everything I could think of to turn straight.

I went on dates with women. I joined a fantasy sports league. I changed the shape of my mustache.

Nothing.

I even tried hormone therapy to raise my testosterone levels. All this did was make me go fat and bald, which, in addition to my pale skin and short stature, turned me into what’s known in the gay community as a “garbanzo bean.” In lesbian circles they’re called “chickpeas.”

Then one day at Hot Yoga, I saw a flier on the Community Board about a gay rehabilitation group called God Also Yearns. They teach that God desires us to accept the true path of love.

I took the plunge and entered their proven three-part program.

•

Accept the authority of your spiritual counselors:
They not only condemned my wicked acts, but also sternly judged my clothing and income level.

•

Admit your sins:
To purge them, I wrote them down. It became a very popular blog.

•

Submit to a higher power:
This consisted mostly of electroshock. The God Also Yearns counselors said I could be completely cured if I attended their four-week rehabilitation camp. I could only afford a two-week course. They said that would also do the trick.

They were right. At the camp, I joined in healing acts of Christian heterosexual fellowship such as heterosexual cookouts and heterosexual trust falls. The highlight of the two weeks was performing in the camp’s traditional-values version of
Rent
, called
Lent
. I played Wally, the Republican Senator who casts the deciding vote for the Marriage Protection Amendment. I’ve never clogged with such passion. My God Also Yearns counselors taught me that homosexuality is an addiction like smoking, only you can still do it on an airplane. To quit you have to go Cold Turkey, by imagining that your homosexual partner is a slimy, puckered, cold turkey. Unless you’re into “cold turkeys,” in which case you definitely need the four-week course. Today, I am married to a wonderful woman, Afke. I don’t hide my shameful past from her. During the physical act of love I will often talk about it just to remind us both how much better it is with a girl.

I also call in to a number of radio shows.

I hope my story is inspiring to any homosexuals who have bought this book not to read, but to carry as a signal to other homosexuals that they are willing to be approached and seduced. This book’s distinctive cover would make it exceptionally good for that, but take it from me: there is another choice.

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

THE FINAL THREAT

“The greatest trick the devil ever played was

convincing the world that he did not exist.”

—Charles Baudelaire, French poet, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “gay guy”

As gay people are increasingly integrated into society and accepted as friends and coworkers, there is a new threat looming on the horizon.

The threat that we will forget to feel threatened by them.

On this final battlefield, the greatest casualty of all may be our anger.
TAKE SOME ACTION!

There are three simple steps you can take today to maintain your anger against the gays.

•

Next time you get cut off in traffic, say to yourself,

“I bet that guy is gay.”

•

Picture your wife cheating on you with a gay guy.

•

Go to the bathroom when everyone else in the house is asleep,

look straight at the guy in the mirror, and whisper, “You’re gay.”

If he nods, you will get angry.

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