I am America (and so can you!) (99 page)

THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

There are two things we know for sure about gays. One: they are neat and organized. And two: they are out to destroy our society. Know thine enemy by correctly numbering the top ten goals of the gay agenda in order of the gays’ priorities.
A. ADOPT YOUR CHILDREN

F. MARRY ON YOUR FRONT LAWN

B. MAKE YOU TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT

G. INFILTRATE THE CLERGY

C. TURN YOU GAY

H. DRESS UP PUG FOR HALLOWEEN

D. OKLAHOMA!

I. GAY IT UP

E. BEACH VOLLEYBALL

J. SODOMIZE OHIOANS

fig 10.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 8

“Teach your children well.”

–David Crosby, bloated folk singer

& notorious lesbian inseminator

THERE’S A BIGGER CONTRIBUTOR TO

IF
LEFT-WING ELITIST BRAINWASHING

THAN COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES,

I’D LIKE TO SEE IT. THERE’S AN OLD
Figure of speech.
Don’t show it to me.

SAYING, “A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING.”

WHICH MEANS A LOT OF KNOWLEDGE MUST BE A REALLY

DANGEROUS THING. AND IT IS. LOOK NO FURTHER THAN

the example of Ted Kaczynski, a.k.a. the Unabomber. He skipped sixth grade, got a Bachelor’s from Harvard followed by a Master’s and a Ph.D., and then embarked on a distinguished academic career of blowing people up. Most Ph.D. biographies have similar endings.

Ted Kaczynski’s last job before he went into full-time Unabombing? Assistant Professor of Mathematics at the University of California, Berkeley, a.k.a. University of Blame America First, Berkeley. Yes, folks, he capped off all those years of being a student by becoming a professor. Let’s face it—he’d have been crazy not to go crazy, which only proves my point: the greatest threat facing America today—outside of flag burning, yoga, and vaccination—is higher
Hey Docs! How about
a vaccine against

education.

yoga?

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Just exactly what makes colleges so dangerous? It’s the fact that their
Racism, genocide,

classrooms and lecture halls are filled with a poison known as New Ideas.
and bears were all

once New Ideas.

New Ideas hurt Americans in two ways:

THE EMOTIONAL COST

Unhappy kids

Let me ask you this: why were you happier were when you were a kid?

can skip this part.

Because you didn’t know anything.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

Don’t Believe Me?
By the time you finish reading this chapter, over a hundred
Don’t know if

dogs and cats in animal shelters around the nation will have been euthanized.
this is true

Bet you wish you could erase that knowledge. But it’s too late. You learned a New Idea, and it made you sad. College is just more of the same.
THE PHYSICAL COST

Pain is the body’s way of telling the brain it’s in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain’s way of telling the body, “All right, buddy, drop that book.”

Let’s try a little experiment. Look at this equation:

-b+ bB - 4ac

-

X=

2a

What you’re feeling right now is your body rejecting an idea that is trying to make you learn it. Don’t fight the confusion. That’s just your mind scabbing over in a desperate attempt to protect you from that unnatural co-mingling of
Numbers
and
letters?
numbers and letters up there. You can’t add it, and you can’t read it. Useless.
That’s a “Catch-22!”

GUT

Son of Sam killer David Berkowitz was a well-adjusted

-CHECK:

member of society until his neighbor’s dog started filling his head with a bunch of New Ideas.

While it’s true that you encounter New Ideas in colleges and universities, they aren’t the real problem. Some of the buildings are nice, and the lawns are quite
Writing fans: Watch

lush. It’s what infests these hives of higher learning that is the source of the
for this bee metaphor

to reappear later!

real poison.

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I’m talking about Academics.

Not a day goes by without a news of
some
anti-American statement made by a lunatic in a mortar board and elbow patches.

HERE’S A QUESTION: Elbow patches? Just what are these lecherous lecturers doing behind their lecterns that wears out their elbows so fast?

I’ve got twenty-year-old suits, and the elbows are pristine.

Why can’t we fire these “edu-bators”? These men and (all too frequently)
“edu-bator”

©Stephen Colbert

women who actually give
credit
for learning a foreign language? Because of
2007

a little thing called tenure. Well, I have a modest proposal for changing all that. Doctors don’t get tenure. Plumbers don’t. Can you imagine if baseball players got tenure, and we had to sit there watching them round the bases in a wheelchair?

I can imagine this.

I propose that we do away with tenure on campus once and for all and replace it with a series of clear-cut requirements for professors. In no particular order:
Actually, in this

particular order.

•

Cognitive skills test: Prospective faculty can demonstrate mental competence by memorizing a small passage of text, say, a secret loyalty

oath.

•

U.S. History: Name the winner of the 1943 World Series. I got this idea from an old World War II movie about a squadron that had been
I may have dreamt it.
infiltrated by a spy. I can’t actually answer this question myself, but I’m not the one whose patriotism is in question.

•

Penmanship: Can a professor legibly write a brief paragraph?

For instance, a secret loyalty oath?

•

Eat a bug: Prove you love your country as much as the contestants on