I am America (and so can you!) (107 page)

missing. ip: She might

(Tip: She might

suspects were described

suspects were described

Hispanic drug dealers?

drug dealers?

want to check her ketchup. It

want to check her ketchup. It

as two males in their

as two males in their

Come on, America!

Come on,

Control

America! Control may have turned into

may have turned into
salsa
.

late teens. (Sounds like

late teens. (Sounds like

the borders!)

the borders!)

I m just saying, if you want

·

I m just saying, if you want

Hispanics to me.)

Hispanics to me.)

to keep ants out of the picnic

to keep ants out of the picnic

basket, you build a fence.)

basket, you build a fence.)

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

No American editors
My editor, Mr. Salinas, let me go after one column. This was my first cold, hard
wanted that job?

lesson in how “telling it like it is” isn’t always “appreciated like it is.” And I’d say not much has changed in the news game since then. I’ve faced the same prejudices against my in-your-face, take-no-prisoners style at every job along the way.1

The Bad News:
The greatest threat facing America today—next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark Beetle, and the memory foam mattress—is the
That doesn’t mean

national news media.

you’re off the hook,

iodized salt.

Simple Question with a “Yes” answer: Is the mainstream press too liberal?

Hint: Yes

The answer is Yes.

Need proof? Just look at some of the headlines I’m able to imagine.
152

1
Evidently, playing Kaiser Roll Basketball with the deep-fat frier is too “out there” for the Arby’s Corporation.

The Good News:
There are a few journalists who aren’t registered sex offenders. These people work for Fox News. Now, I have a well-cured beef with Fox. “Fair
and
Balanced?” Which is it? Make up your mind! I’m sure guys like Brit Hume and Sean Hannity are well-intentioned, but by trying to present both sides of each story, they’re suggesting that the truth exists somewhere in the middle. You know what’s
really
in the middle?

A cream filling?

The Gray Area.

Shades of gray are for brain tissue and the weak. Neither one has a place in the News Business.

I like my Truth like my coffee: Black or White.

Wake Up Call:
If I die, I know that I’m either going to Heaven or to Hell.
Heaven, just to be clear
There’s no gray area there.

THE TOP MAINSTREAM MEDIA NEWS OUTFITS

THAT ARE KILLING OUR CHILDREN

NPR:
What’s wrong with NPR? Just listen to
Morning Edition
. This is by far the least zany “Morning Zoo” ever to hit the airwaves. Instead of the get-upand-go-larity provided by your local Scott and Tom, or Ted and Zeke, or Denise and Santana, or Coyote Mike and The Beemer,
Morning Edition
presents
“Count your Chickens!

Coyote’s on the Prowl!”

NPR’s measured barbiturate vibe.2

–Z 98.6 Body Temperature

Rock!

CONTENT of MORNING ZOO

CONTENT of MORNING EDITION

4%

57%

15%

Word Jazz

Sound effects

Glowing

descriptions

3%

Contests that

of Fundraising

39%

Gift Mug

Sedition

kill people

6%

Dead air

8%

Promos for the

show you’re

listening to

28%

12%

14%

Wry essays by

Host discussion/presentation of

14%

Prank calls

New Englanders

Light Gray

incomprehensible/illegal sex act

2
Fun Fact: NPR broadcasts at the same frequency as a coma patient’s brainwaves.
153

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Lefties get up on the
It’s a wonder the lefties who wake up to it are able to get out of bed.
wrong side of the bed.

The left side.
I guarantee that if
Morning Edition
had to compete in the free market, you’d hear a lot more prank phone calls to the Supreme Court asking if that’s a gavel

“in their docket.”

WHAT DOES NPR REALLY STAND FOR? Toss a few of these out at the

next East Coast Ivy League Cocktail party you get roped into, and watch Billy Bleeding Heart choke on his brie.3

Nancy Pelosi Radio, Nader Presidential Radio,

Nazi Palestinian Radio, No Penis Radio, Natalie Portman Radio
Try “Nasty Panda Radio”

N

P

Radio (Let your imagination soar!)

(It fits.)

THE “BIG THREE” NETWORKS

CBS
: The Tiffany network is responsible for the perennial Sunday Night PostGame buzzkill,
60 Minutes
. Morley Safer and his team of aged jackals present what I believe is the worst kind of investigative journalism—the kind with investigations. On the other hand, I

like the innovations that Katie Couric has brought to
The CBS

Katie Couric

Evening News
, especially the innovation of having viewers turn elsewhere for news.

NBC
: A lot of people make the mistake of getting their nightly newscast from Brian Williams, when the real star of the

“Peacock” news division is the
Law and Order
franchise. All the plots are “ripped from today’s headlines.”

Brian Williams

ABC
: When Charlie Gibson took the evening news anchor

chair, I doubted he had the heft for the job. But those fears were put at ease once I learned he had changed his name to “Charles

Gibson.” As far as liberal bias is concerned, jury’s still out.
Charlie Charles

Jury’s back in: Guilty!

CSPAN
: CSPAN’s liberal bias is severely underestimated. With its unvarnished gavel-to-gavel coverage of our elected leaders, CSPAN glamorizes big govern
Catch me on BookTV!
ment by showing not only how it works, but that it sometimes
does
work.
Oct. 3rd!

CSPAN 2 may be just as dangerous, but has never been watched.

154
3
“Soft-cheese asphyxiation” is the 2nd leading cause of death among intellectuals, after “drinking with
Christopher Hitchens.”