I am America (and so can you!) (89 page)

FUN

SEXUAL ROLE-PLAY QUIZ

Keeping a relationship fresh for years after attraction has faded takes work. I’m talking about
Fantasy role-playing
. It’s a time-tested sexual super-charger that allows a couple to pretend in an intimate and loving way that they are making love to someone they don’t know. But just because it’s naughty, doesn’t mean it’

If your

s a free for all. There are rules.

spouse comes out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a red hood and a basket of goodies, you sure as hell better have a wolf head on.

Match these other sexual fantasy players from the left column with their appropriate partner on the right. Good luck!

TK

fig 9.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 7

“Just wrap your legs ’round these velvet rims.

And strap your hands ’cross my engines.”

–“Bruce,” Rock-Hard Jersey Shore-boy

AM A GAY AMERICAN. AND I

COULDN’T BE GAYER NOW THAT

THE GAYS ARE ON THE RUN. OF

COURSE, I’M USING “GAY” THE WAY

OUR FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED, TO MEAN “HAPPY,”

BEFORE IT WAS STOLEN FROM THEM BY THE GAYS, JUST

LIKE THEY STOLE THEIR TIGHTS, WIGS, AND CODPIECES.

Nation, we’re at War. And we can’t let the gays gain any more ground on our American language. Which is why we’re going to start taking their words. First word we reclaim? “Homosexual.” From now on, it’s going to mean what it always should have: heterosexual. Think about it. “Homo” means “the same.”

And we’re all born with the same sexual orientation—straight. Ask any baby.
Girl babies,

drop that teat

If you don’t share my outrage about this, the homosexual agenda has already got you in its velvet grip. Want to know what its other hand is doing? Just use your imagination. You’re probably picturing something pretty steamy, right?

Maybe a filthy little scenario taking place in a bathroom stall of a TGIFriday’s while your wife and kids unsuspectingly eat their chicken wings. And your
$8.95 for 10 wings!?

little gay fantasy just proves my point. Every single one of us fights a daily battle to suppress the insurgency raging in our loins. It’s a long hard slog, and we’ve all had the urge to cut and run.

107

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

and

Gay People

4

Throw Rugs

7

Clive Owen

8

Origami

2

Dog-Whispering

6

Baby Carrots

11

108

But Americans are fighters. We didn’t give up in World War II against the Germans just because Nazism “felt good.” The homosexual agenda is nothing more than appeasement. They are sexual Neville Chamberlains. They want us
a.k.a.

“Richard Chamberlains”

to lay down our arms and pick up rainbow-colored white flags. But we can’t let them win our hearts and minds with their thighs and abs. We must crush them. Now I’ve got nothing against gay people. I just don’t like how they flaunt it. I’m perfectly fine with someone choosing to be gay, as long as he marries a woman and has kids like the rest of us. And if he has to flaunt it, there’s a place for that: in the privacy of his own home. Which should be a jail cell.

Gentrify that!

GUT-SPEAKING: We all know that people in prison engage in homosexual acts, right? Which means that criminals are more likely to be homosexuals. So wouldn’t it save us a lot of tax dollars to simply throw all gay people in prison? You know, cut out the middleman.

Hey fellas, how come

no middlewoman?

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

The problem is, these days there are more and more positive gay role models. When did gays become people to look up to? What happened to the good ol’

stereotype of the creepy guy sneaking back and forth from the bar with no windows to the movie theater that doesn’t say what it’s showing?

Also, the movie was

never in focus.

Turn on the TV these days and it’s a virtual Pride Parade of admirable homosexuals. Ellen. Melissa Etheridge. Lance Bass. All the more respectable because they have the courtesy to identify themselves, unlike the “Surprise Gays.” The SG’s are celebrities that act manly and tough, then years later, they “come out of the pantry,” and your friends start looking at you funny for having posters of them up in your weight room. All of a sudden, no one wants to spot you.
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THE UNSEEN ENEMY

As I said, this is a W

need to find where all the “land mines” are hidden so we don’

step on one and have him go off in our face.