I Am Forever (What Kills Me) (23 page)

It hit, fast and overwhelming, this avalanche of emotion. I lost control. For a fraction of a second, I was afraid of myself.

I squeezed the war master’s arm, the bones crackling like dead twigs. He fell, swearing. I was immediately on top of him and pulled him up by his collar.

“Why? He didn’t do anything!” I was yelling and shaking him. His skull cracked against the ground like an egg and blood spread beneath us. “How could you?”

The war master reached up and I smacked his hand away, causing another image of Robert’s weeping expression to flash before me. Disgusted, I flung the war master aside.

The ring of soldiers around me expanded, like a circular ripple in water. I had never seen my guards look at me like that. Fangs bared. Eyes thinned into slits. They had drawn their guns and were aiming them at me.

Mad with fury, I hissed at them through my teeth. My fangs pressed against my lips.

Suddenly, a deluge of cold water slapped the back of my head. It shocked the anger from me. I turned, my mouth agape, my shoulders hunched. There stood San with an empty bucket. He looked just as stunned.

No one moved.

“My lady?” San said as if he was peering into a dark home and calling to see if I was there.

“San,” I exhaled.

“I’m sorry, my lady,” he said. He dropped the bucket. “I was just trying to get your attention.”

“Please wake me from this nightmare,” I whispered.

“What?”

My guards lowered their guns. The war master rolled onto his side and coughed.

As if the ground was quicksand, I sank down. The vampires watched me cry.

I sat limp in my chair in my living room. I would need a blood transfusion to cry any more.

“I am so tremendously sorry, my lady,” Uther said.

“You should’ve told me.”

“I wanted to wait until after the celebrations to tell you. I accept full responsibility. I counseled the Empress to keep the information from you.”

“Robert didn’t do anything, Uther. It was me. It was my fault. I had a…flashback and I hit his sword. He didn’t mean to harm me. And I was fine. He didn’t even cut me. He didn’t deserve to die for that.”

Uther listened intently.

I started to weep again. “How could you guys do that to him? How? After everything he had been through, after everything he gave up…”

“My lady, I know this is difficult for you to accept—”

I slammed the wooden coffee table with the heel of my hand, and a thick crack sliced through the surface. “No. I can’t accept this. I will not accept this.”

“The soldier knew the rules. It was not safe for him to be around the Divine in the training area.”

“I approached him. I wanted to speak with him.”

“That is fair, my lady. But he should have been more prudent.”

“He could not have anticipated my freak-out.”

“That may be true. But the Monarchy is faced with a situation where a vampire put the Divine in danger, albeit perhaps unintentionally. The Monarchy must act accordingly. It had to set an example.”

“But it was my fault.”

“At trial we could not come to that conclusion.”

“I would’ve testified, I—”

He shook his head. “The Divine is blameless. The Divine cannot testify.”

The Monarchy is protecting me. They could never blame me. Even if I’m wrong.

That was the deepest cut. I killed Robert with my foolishness.

“It was an accident, my lady,” Uther said. “An accident with consequences.”

How many people have died because of me?

Uther kept his gentle tone. “You never meant for this to happen, and I am sorry that you must grieve.”

“When did he die?”

“Earlier today.”

“By sunlight?”

“Yes.”

“The war master was there?”

“He was at the trial, yes.”

“I broke his arm.”

“You were upset. You needn’t think any further on the subject. The war master understood your anger.”

I’m not sorry.

When I’d lost it with the war master, everyone had appeared terrified, as if they were stuck in a cage with a lion. My guards, for the first time, had facial expressions. And guns.

“My guards had their guns drawn, Uther.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“My three guards. They were pointing guns at me.”

“They were?”

“Yes.”

“They must have been very frightened.”

Are they here to protect me or to protect everyone from me?

“How could they shoot me without hurting themselves?”

He rubbed his hands as if warming them and appeared to be measuring his words, so I braced myself for unpleasant news. “The guards are there to protect you, my lady. But they are also there to make sure that you do not do harm to yourself.”

“What?”

“They will defuse a heated situation with any means possible to make sure that you are not injured. Thus, they are armed with stun guns.”

Stun guns?
“Like I’m a wild animal who needs to be tranquilized?”

I pushed myself back from the table and left. My thoughts muffled Uther’s protests.

What am I doing here?

I dragged my feet to my room and out onto the balcony. I stepped off the ledge and dropped onto the grass. I counted my steps across the landscape—127, 128, 129. I kept walking to the lake and didn’t stop until I was underwater. I was so heavy with guilt and heartache that I sank straight to the bottom.

“Oh dear. No princess was this miserable before a ball,” Pavone said.

She balanced a palette of colors on her palm like a waitress.

No princess has ever been guilty of murder and lost the prince before the ball even began.

“I cannot do this.” She brushed the hair from her shoulders as if swatting away a fly.

“What?”

“I cannot see your beautiful face appear so dejected.” She pouted. “Tell me what I can do to make you smile.”

I sighed. “It’s not you, Pavone. I’m just...I’m just not feeling well today.”

“How long do you think you will stay unhappy?”

“Until the cows come home,” I muttered.

“Well, where are these cows? I can send the maids out to get them.”

I smiled. “No, not real cows. Proverbial cows.”

“Whatever kind they are. The Divine should have whatever she needs to be happy.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re going to put a damper on your own party.”

“I’m a damper...Actually, I’m a ‘dampire.’”

She sniffed. “Honestly. I’ve never seen the Divine look so blue.”

“Not since I told you that I’d never wear that blue dress again,” I said with a wink.

She tickled my nose with her makeup brush. “Now, there is the Divine that I know and adore.”

As Pavone painted my face, I tried to relax. It was hard to do without any physical markers. No breathing to control. No heartbeat to slow. The silence of my body only made my mind louder.

I had fooled myself into thinking that this place was safe. The Monarchy would always be dangerous. But would the outside world be any better? I had also fooled myself into thinking that I belonged here. But the whole time my own guards were watching me. I had trusted them and they’d never trusted me.

Uther said that I had a responsibility to the race. It couldn’t be just about me anymore. I had to assume the responsibility—but I had no control. For the first time I felt like a puppet. They dressed me up and dangled me at ceremonies and funerals and rituals.

Maybe Lucas is right. I have to talk to him.

At least no one could ever lie to me again. I opened my hand and thought about touching Pavone. She was admonishing a maid about the wrong box of lipstick shades. Then she grinned at me. “So lovely,” she murmured.

The visions only seemed to work when I had a question in my mind. But when I looked at Pavone, I had none. I believed in my heart that she cared about me. That’s what was so confusing about this place. There were vampires here that I trusted. San. Brogan. Even Uther, who had made a bad call not telling me about Robert. We were all in the same scary, perilous boat.

“And just a bit of shine,” Pavone said, dabbing a clear glob onto my bottom lip with a brush.

She backed away, sighing loudly as if she was yawning. “Exquisite.”

One of the maids brought in a black garment bag. Pavone unzipped it to reveal a red gown.

“Let’s put this on, shall we?”

Uther knocked on the door after I had dressed. San was with him. I could hear him bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“She’s ready,” Pavone said.

The door swung open.

“Oh my word, my lady,” Uther said. He bowed. “You’re a vision.”

I turned to Pavone. “I love this dress. Thank you.”

It was the simplest and most elegant gown Pavone had created. It was made of lustrous red silk with a fitted bodice and braided straps that crossed my back. The soft fabric hugged my hips and then flared into billowing cascades.

San clutched at his breast. He was wearing a black tuxedo. “Heart-stopping, my lady.”

“Very funny. Your heart stopped long ago.”

“Then the sight of you is enough to jolt me back to life.”

“You gentlemen look wonderful,” I said with a curtsey. I tried to pick up my skirt, but I was wearing white gloves and the silk slipped from my fingers. “Where’s Lucas?”

“The swordsmith is still getting dressed,” Uther replied. “He said to go on without him.”

“Okay,” I said, disappointed.

My guards led the way, their three pony tails wagging. They were wearing gold sashes, as if they were beauty pageant contestants. I glared at the stun guns clicked to their belts.
Just try to use that one day on me. Try it.

“My lady,” San said, “I am actually feeling shy around you.”

“Oh geez, San, stop.”

“If it wasn’t sacrilegious, I might ask you to dance.”

“Yeah, and then my guards might try to electrocute you.”

I could hear the music and the voices long before we arrived in front of the huge double doors to the ballroom. I could smell burning candles, fresh flowers, and a mix of perfumes. The high cleric was introducing me to the crowd.

“This is your night, my lady,” San whispered. “Enjoy it.”