I Am Forever (What Kills Me) (20 page)

“I had a good day,” I told Dr. Femi.

“Are you having anymore nightmares?”

I shook my head. That was because I no longer slept. I didn’t need to—and besides I hated the nightmares. The last time I’d slept, I had a messed-up dream about Lucas. In it I was faced with the decision of whether he should live or die. I woke up bawling.

Lucas.

Every day he became more distant. Every day he spent more time away, quietly training or wandering wherever. Every conversation we had left me more and more sad.

Part of me believed that Lucas made the decision to leave that night in my room after I went sleep-swimming. He was just waiting for the right moment to tell me.

I still cared about him. But it pained me to think that he didn’t return my feelings. And maybe I had tried to distract myself with activities.

None of this I wanted to talk about. But Dr. Femi was perceptive.

“You haven’t mentioned the swordsmith lately. How is everything between you two?”

“Oh. Not so good. We’re not really connecting.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“A lot has happened. And people evolve. Maybe he doesn’t like who I’ve become.”

“Do you like who you have become?”

I have no clue.
“I feel that for the first time since I became a vampire, things are stable. Well, not running for your life helps.”

Over the hiss of sprinklers I heard familiar footsteps, the strides shallow and swift, and I smiled. Brogan came around the rose bushes. She was carrying a tray.

“Your diversions can certainly help,” Dr. Femi said. “Do you feel that they give you purpose and confidence? Are you enjoying your studies?”

“Yes. Uther gives me informal exams. But I’m such a bad student. My sister’s the achiever. She just got an A—”

Brogan dropped the cups of blood on the table, sending red ribbons unfurling across the white surface.

Oh no! I’m a moron. What am I saying?

I gasped. Brogan’s mouth tightened into a pucker. Dr. Femi didn’t blink. She tilted her chin toward Brogan but focused on me.

“What was that, my lady?”

“My sister always got As...in everything. I’m just a big idiot,” I said, as Brogan mopped up the table.
A big fat ginormous idiot.

“You are so hard on yourself, my lady,” Dr. Femi said. I analyzed her tone for any suspicion and found none. “I’m glad that you are adjusting to your routine. Have you had anymore traumatic flashbacks?”

“No,” I said. I had not. Thankfully.

Brogan took away the cups and I tried to send her telepathic apologies. She had gone so pale that she was almost green.

“How are you finding your duties?”

“Fine.”

In the previous month the war had reached a boiling point. The Monarchy had raided rebel hideaways, and the rebels retaliated with kidnappings and public attacks. The Empress invited me to sit in on military briefings. I could no longer watch the videos of the rebels torturing their captors, which had become more and more sickening. I hated the idea that Lettie was out there, vulnerable to the bloodshed.

Within the security of the palace the Empress answered with more ceremonies and memorials, placing me on balconies and platforms, using me to “boost morale,” as Uther said. I wasn’t sure how I was helping, but the Empress and Uther assured me that my mere presence was enough. I was their icon of order, power, and safety. How ironic, given how this all started.

I was glad that the violence had abated these past weeks. The tension had finally seeped from my muscles, and it made me realize I had lived with fear for so long that it had become normal.

“Are you looking forward to this week?” Dr. Femi asked.

“Yes. Will you be at the ball?”

“Any ball that honors the Divine deserves my presence.”

“Do you have something to wear?”

A big smile made her appear years younger. “Of course, my lady. It is the event of the millennium and thus requires the perfect dress.”

“What does it look like?”

“May we let it be a surprise?” she said with a laugh. I had never heard her laugh. It was girly and musical, like the sound of someone quickly running their fingers across piano keys.

An alarm sounded. Long, nasally trumpet calls like a truck repeatedly blaring its horn.

“What’s that—”

Dr. Femi shot up. “No!”

A mask of terror rendered her unrecognizable. Her upper lip rolled under to reveal her fangs and her head swiveled back and forth.

“Doctor Femi, what’s going on?”

“Sun!” she shouted. “GET OUT!”

What?

She took off over a flower bed. I followed her, the mud sucking one of my shoes off. We broke through a wall of bushes, the leaves and branches snapping against our faces. She veered to the left and leaped over a lattice gate covered in ivy. The hem of her black dress snagged on the edge, and with a strangled cry she hit the dirt. I vaulted the gate and she was already scrambling onto the stone path. Ahead of her my guards were coming in. She waved them toward the door and shouted, “Get back!”

Panels in the ceiling started to retract. Dr. Femi scrambled to her feet, twisting to look to the sky.

Oh my God. Sunlight.

White fluorescent light started to pour into the dome. Dr. Femi was a few feet from the door when the rays struck her. I heard the sizzle, saw the smoke, and smelled her flesh burn. Her howl drowned out my cry.

“Doctor!”

I tackled Dr. Femi and launched us toward the door. It didn’t slide open in time and we smashed through the glass.

We tumbled onto the cool floor. Each of her vertebrae was like a hot stone against my stomach. I rounded my back and rolled to my feet like San had taught me. One of my guards grimaced as the rays burned her through her leather gloves, but she reached through the sun’s lasers and dragged Dr. Femi out of the spotlight.

Dr. Femi was crying and writhing like a skewered worm. Her dress was seared into her skin. Her neck was raw and cratered.

“Help!” I hollered down the hall.

I knelt down to calm her and as I reached out, she jerked away. “No! Don’t touch me!”

I snatched my hand back. “Why are we just standing here?” I yelled at my guards who seemed to cower in the shade. San ran into the corridor, shielding his eyes from the light.

“What happened?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “The UV lights went on.”

Dr. Femi had curled up into a ball. Light-pink, shiny skin appeared across her shoulders. She was no longer making any noise.

“Doctor?” I said.

Slowly she pushed herself up on one elbow, waited, and then rose. Her head down, she turned to me.

“I’m sorry, my lady.”

I was bewildered. “What?”

“Forgive me. I was only concerned about myself. I didn’t fulfill my duty to care for you. I just...ran, like a coward.”

“Oh geez, Doctor Femi. It’s fine. Look, I’m fine. The sun doesn’t bother me. And I would’ve bolted if I were you too.”

“I wasn’t thinking. Then I spoke to you with such disrespect. I am so unworthy of the Divine’s touch.”

According to the Empress, everyone is unworthy of my touch.

“I have shamed myself,” she said. “May I please be relieved?”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. Seriously. It’s okay. As long as you’re okay, that’s all I care about.”

“You are too kind, my lady.”

With that, she slunk away. She appeared physically healed, but the sunlight had burned her mentally, possibly irrevocably. I stood in the doorway, the light and heat on my back, and trembled.

I missed the daylight. But I had forgotten its brutality toward vampires.

Weeks ago I had sat in on the senator’s trial. He had faced the Empress so stoically—until she condemned him to death. As tears ran down his cheeks, I imagined that he was thinking of his sunlit prison. I had watched Paolo turn into a blackened, ashy carcass in that prison.

Brogan and my two other maids were waiting, shoulder to shoulder, in my wardrobe room. They unzipped my dress and brushed the twisty vines out of my hair. I pulled a melon-colored gown from a rack and stepped into it. As Brogan fastened a gold belt around my waist and clicked cuffs on my wrists, I continued to mutter.

“I can’t believe that happened.”

The sunlight and my big mouth.

I was happy about my family and I had let my guard down. That couldn’t happen again. Who knows what would happen to them or to Brogan?

“That was awful,” I said, shaking my head.

I had gotten into the habit of talking at my maids without them responding. Brogan and I only spoke in the water. I bent over to pick up my other dress, and one of the maids snatched it up. I couldn’t quite stop myself yet from helping them.

Uther met me in the hall, and surrounded by my ring of security we made our way to my room.

“Are you all right, my lady?” he asked.

That’s the title of my biography: Are You All Right, My Lady?
That phrase was so overused, it had replaced “hello.”

“I’m fine. It’s Doctor Femi that I’m worried about.”

“Doctor Femi is unharmed. The Monarchy is investigating the incident. It seems that the timer had been mistakenly set to go off at that time. I don’t know why your meeting was not taken into account.”

“Our session was an hour late because I lost track of time. It’s my fault.”

Time had no meaning here. This place devoured the hours. Without sleep, without daylight, I existed in this suspended state beyond reality. A week would pass in the real world without my realizing it; I only marked the passage of time because Brogan would put out my swimsuit about once a week.

Two months had disappeared while I explored, learned, and adventured. Two months had felt like nothing. The night that I fell into the well seemed like yesterday. Yet it also seemed like forever ago.

Uther rustled his papers and read me my daily briefing. “Your presence is not required at any ceremonies today because the Monarchy is preparing for the Divine’s Ball, which will take place two evenings from now.”

“Oh, I thought we were going to do that soldier send-off thing where we honor them before they go off to war.”

“That will have to wait. The campaign against the rebels has been successful, and the war has subsided. Also, with everyone here for the ball, the Monarchy will formally induct the new general the evening after.”

Taren will be the new general.

To Lucas’s relief, Taren had left the palace right after my ascension ritual to deal with the rebels and had not returned. They had yet to meet. I dreaded the moment they would.

“So the night is yours,” Uther said.

“Really?”

“Yes, my lady. What may I arrange for you today?”

“San and I broke all of my bokkens yesterday,” I said. Actually, I had snapped them like toothpicks while testing my strength. “Could we go get new ones from the training arena?”

“Of course, my lady. I will notify the war master.”

I strode into my foyer, calling for San, and walked into Lucas.

“Oh!” I put my hand on his chest to stabilize myself. Instead I ended up pushing him away and he went stumbling back. “Sorry!” I said. “I didn’t hear you around the corner.”