I Am Forever (What Kills Me) (22 page)

I had been wrong. It had nothing to do with contact. My guards would report to Uther that I had touched San and he would be admonished for breaking the rules.

Ah, geez, did my touch freak you out? What are you thinking?

“I’m sorry, San. I hope you’re not feeling—”

Then I heard something. Whispers. I blinked and it came. An alien memory.

A woman, her face glistening with sweat and rubbed with dirt. She took my hands in between hers and held them in prayer against her lips. She was murmuring in Spanish.
“Esta bien, estas bien. Mami te ama.”
I basked in her tenderness. Suddenly she was wrenched away, arms outstretched, a smile on her wet face. Yanked away like a hooked fish being hauled from the water.

I dropped San’s hand into his lap.

Holy heck.

“My lady?” San said.

“You, your mother...” I whispered.

“What?”

I shot off the couch.

“Guards,” I waved at them. “I’m going to the library.”

I walked so fast that they had to jog to keep the pyramid shape in front of me.

The first time I had a vision, it was with one of the maids. I remembered. We were in the bath and I saw the general. I had thought it was my memory. But it must have been hers. Seeing the general’s body. Or maybe having to clean it up.

The second time, I had been with Lucas and I saw Noel. He had been thinking of his father.

And I must have touched them both.

I’m seeing their memories through touch.

No one else was allowed to touch me. Pavone had. She applied makeup to my face. And the maids. They dressed me. But then again, they wore gloves.

Did it have to be skin to skin? But when I first touched San, nothing had happened. Why was there a delay with him and not the others?

Thoughts raced by as if I was watching passing scenes from a car window. I threw open the doors to the library, startling the librarian. With his helmet of shaggy hair and his round, youthful face, he looked more like he should be in a boy band than organizing books. I marched past him, pulled back a shelf, and jumped onto the sliding ladder. I snatched the book that Uther had first read to me about the Ancients and sailed back.

I opened the book and flipped through the pages as I walked to a table.
There must be something about this in here. A story about this power.
The pictures showed Vaharas, the hunter, spearing people, then Nim, the child, crouched and round with a wide grin, his teeth jagged like a heart-monitor graph.

I turned the page and a vampire had her hands on two people. Her fingers curled over the tops of their heads, and judging by their twisted expressions, it appeared as if she was crushing their skulls. I paused. This vampire’s head was shaved except for a floor-length ponytail. I turned to an image of another vampire—the one with squiggles escaping from her palms. This one was bald. I couldn’t see the ponytail, but they could be the same vampire.

Jeya, the light.

“The light reveals what is hidden,” Uther had said.

Maybe she wasn’t squeezing the piddly humans. Maybe she was siphoning their thoughts. Their hidden memories. Their secrets. “
What cannot be explained.”

I backed away from the book. Did anyone know this? Surely Uther’s sire had an idea of Jeya’s power when he wrote this. But had the details become lost in the ages?

This is incredible.

I had to test this. But how could I test this without illegally touching people and upsetting everyone?

I stared at the backs of my guards on the return to my room. I imagined just grabbing their heads, my hands squashed against their noses like those face-hugging creatures that San and I had seen the other night in the
Alien
movies.
Nope. Can’t do that.

I needed to tell Uther. Or would it panic the Monarchy? Dr. Vosper would subject me to another round of examinations.

Maybe I should keep this to myself for a while. At least until I know for sure.

I strode into my lobby toward the stairs and someone called my name. It was Lucas.

“Hey,” I said, startled. I had a tendency to shut off all my senses when lost in thought. We were separated by the pool. I took one look at him and I knew. His broad shoulders pulled down. His fists at his sides. His full lips downturned.

This is happening.

“Zee, can I talk to you?”

“Of course.” My voice was unnaturally soft.

He licked his lips. Paused.

“You have to go,” I said, tearing the Band-Aid off.

“Yes.”

That one word hollowed me out. I was nodding, my lips pressed together, but I was a marionette, moving and talking on autopilot.

“When are you leaving?” I asked.

“I was going to go tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“I stayed as long as I could. But I shouldn’t be here.”

“I understand,” I said quickly. Too quickly. I concentrated on the dark eddies in the water. Listened to the fountain’s gentle murmur.

“I will return to visit,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. You belong here.”

That last statement was his poisonous arrow. I had become someone else. Someone he didn’t care about anymore. He didn’t see the weight on my shoulders. Or maybe he did and he wanted no part of it.

My throat constricted. I cleared my throat. “Am I going to get to say goodbye, or is this it?”

He frowned.

“Because this is awkward and I don’t want this to be our last conversation,” I told him. I forced a smile.

“I’ll do whatever you want.”

I want you to stay.
“Come to the ball, at least.”

“I...”

“Please?”

He appeared to exhale. “All right. I will attend the ball.”

“Thank you.”

I stared at the floor so I didn’t have to see him go.

Goodbye, Lucas.

Like a sleepwalker, like a ghost, I floated around the palace.

Everyone talked at me and my mouth answered. Uther outlined my schedule, scratching his pen against a clipboard. Pavone lay fabrics against me while my maids fluffed my hair. I lifted my arms when asked. I went where I was told. I donned my polite mask.

On the inside I felt adrift in a furious sea, trying to clutch at flotsam.
He had appeared so cool. Clearly he doesn’t care about me anymore.
Fine. I don’t care either.
But a moment later I thought
, No, I didn’t try hard enough to make him feel wanted.

I was tired of thinking. I wanted to sleep so I wouldn’t have to feel any of this. But I was afraid of sleep.

“My lady?” Uther pulled up a chair in an office and rested his elbows on the glass table. I had not touched the goblet of blood in front of me. “Do you need a break from all the preparations?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Would you like to retire to your room?”

“No.”

He paused. “Is this about the swordsmith?”

“Maybe.”

“My lady, may I speak freely?”

“Of course, Uther.”

“Anyone who would not devote themselves to you is undeserving of you.”

“I know.”

“That being said, you are unique. The Divine stands alone with a tremendous burden of responsibility. So regardless of how much someone cares for you, it would be incredibly difficult for him to understand this burden.”

“So I’m destined to be alone forever.”

I thought of those potato chips that I saw in Taiwan with Lucas when we stopped at that gas station for directions. The brand name read, “Lonely Gods.”

I’m a lonely god.

“You are destined for greatness. However, it may take some time for someone to realize how they can be a part of that. Be patient, my lady. Be understanding.”

I was grateful for his care and his guidance. He had always been there for me. “Thank you, Uther.”

I reached across the table and rested my hand on his. Uther smiled and delicately slid his hand out, like a mouse afraid to awaken its captor. Confused, I rose.

“I’m going for a walk,” I said. “Have you seen San? Is he in the arena?”

“I’m not sure if the Divine’s chaperone is at the arena. Perhaps you should return to your quarters and I will send for him.”

“It’s okay. I’ll find him.”

Why had I not had a vision when I touched Uther? Did I have to concentrate on something?
Maybe I don’t have that kind of power after all.

The bustle of the Acropolis was a welcoming distraction. Everyone seemed to be priming for the ball. Vampires hoisted gold stools over their heads. They walked with jeweled fabrics slung over their arms. They carried enormous crystal vases bursting with orchids whose color reminded me of Samira’s hair.

As soon as I walked into the arena, the soldiers tensed. I heard it in the broken rhythm of their swordplay and I saw it in their furtive glances. I scanned them for Robert. I wanted to apologize to him.

“The Divine graces us with her presence,” the war master said with a bow.

 “Is my chaperone, San, here?” I asked.

“Yes. He is in the weapons hold. I will send someone for him.” The war master snapped his fingers.

“War Master, where is Robert?”

He squinted at me.

“Robert, the soldier that I was speaking to yesterday?” I said.

“The Divine need not concern herself.”

“Well, I’d like to speak with him, please.”

His thumb rubbed his whip, and his Adam’s apple bounced.

“War Master, where is Robert?”

“My deepest regrets, but the Divine cannot speak with the soldier.”

“Why?”

A tic moved the skin under his eye. I took a step toward him and he stepped back. “My regrets,” he repeated.

“What did you do to him?”
What are you hiding from me?

I grabbed his forearm. “Where is he?!”

Robert.
A vision of him flickered in my mind. He was on his knees. Bands of red ran over his cheeks. I closed my eyes so the vision would be clearer. His teeth clacked. The Empress was talking.
What was she saying?

“...for your actions which led to the wounding of our Divine, I condemn you to death.”