I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (42 page)

I shake my head and get up to walk away, but Tier reaches out and taps me on the shoulder.

Chapter Forty-Five

When we come out of the timeshift we're on a large red rock that overlooks the entire Front Range. The sun is rising behind us, just like that day we sat out here and I learned that I was the one who killed my dad's clone. Back before I knew he was a clone, of course, so I really thought I'd killed my father.

Tier drags me over to the edge of the rock and sits down, then scoots back and pulls me into his lap and almost crushes me with his embrace. Our feet swing over the edge and I relax and lean back into him. "What's all this for?"

"We've got time, Junco. I don't know anything about a guy named James, not a thing. I barely know anything about you at all, so tell me something, Junco. Tell me anything, just make it about you, OK?"

I pause for a while. Tier just sits there, letting me think until I finally know where to start the trainwreck of a story that is me. "Do you know what OCD is?"

I feel him shake his head behind me, but he stays silent.

"It's a disorder that makes you do things compulsively. Things like count, or rock, or tap." I look over my shoulder and find his green eyes glowing. "I count and rock and tap. That's what I do." The last few words come out between my trembling lips and I feel the tears because I have never said those words out loud before. "Lucan once asked me why my dad gave me a sport and taught me piano. Well, that's why. I count and rock and tap because I have OCD. So when I was very small they gave me a piano to stop the tapping. And it worked, too, because one day I figured out that if I tap the keys in just the right way, it makes a song. So I stopped tapping and started playing songs."

"I've never heard ya play the piano, Junco. Not for real anyway. I heard the music coming from the house before, but never got to watch you."

I am stunned. "How is that possible?"

"Because, Junco, you've been running from me since the moment I met ya. You haven't shared much of anything with me."

The sadness washes over me as I realize what he's been going through for all this time. I've treated him like total shit—he knows less about me than just about everyone, how is he even still hanging around?

"Keep going, Junco. Please."

My fingers slide across my face to wipe away my tears as I try to explain myself. "The rocking was taken care of with the horses. I learned to ride and they figured out that the rhythm calmed me. That I was a lot more manageable if I was riding and downright normal when they started teaching me to do that acrobatic crap. So the horses took care of the rocking."

I can't quite get myself to address the last one, but Tier can only wait so long before he gets impatient and asks. "And the counting, how did ya stop that one, Junco?"

I shake my head. "I never stopped counting." Before I even know what's happening I'm sobbing. "I never stopped counting, Tier."

He hugs me close. "Is it bad? To count, Junco?"

I nod as I try to control my runny nose. "It's very bad. Because once I start it's very hard to stop. And that's why I first started looking up at the stars. The light and the stories about heroes and swans and hunting bulls, those all came later. It's the sheer number of them that draws me up."

He squeezes me as I calm myself. "What happens when ya count?"

I sniffle and wipe my face once again. "When I start the count it all goes away. My insanity, my life—everything is all wiped clean. And it draws me, ya know? Like that count is calling my name. But it's dangerous because once I start on the stars, I won't be able to stop. I'll be lost. And deep down, I want to be lost, Tier."

I stare out at the new city between the blur of tears. It has migrated north of the old city, where the mountaintop still dominates the horizon. But New Peak City is in the shadow of Mount Evans, near the old Red Rocks Amphitheatre, not Pikes Peak. It takes a little getting used to, trying to think of this new place as Peaks. The Old Peak City down south by the Springs is still nothing but concrete. They're not even working on it yet.

"Continue, Junco. Please don't stop talking."

I nod into his chest. He's been so patient with me these past few years. Why didn't I see it before now? He's practically been an angel with all the shit I've pulled.

"At first I would count steps, like the number of steps it takes to get to the shooting range, or the number of steps from my bed to Gid's after a nightmare. He was across the hall from me. Or when I was at home I counted the stalls in the barn or the tiles on the floor or the light fixtures in church. But I had been learning about the constellations for a while already when I looked up to find Perseus and noticed I could count the stars. The only problem is that the stars go on for infinity. And I had a very hard time stopping. I went insane actually. That was the first time I remember them talking about my mental issues. They didn't erase me, I was only like five, I think. But they had to lock me in a sensory deprivation tank for a while. It felt like a really long time to me, but I have no idea how long it took to pull me back from that little episode."

"I'm sorry, darlin'. I'm sorry they did all those things to you."

I shrug. "It hurts a little when I have to talk about it because I was so scared, so that's why I'm crying. I was scared a lot as a little kid, but now that I look back I realize something that scares me even more than what they did back then."

"What's that?"

"That my life was not so bad, Tier. I mean, in the early days. It was not so bad when my dad was there. Even Matthew—he was my handler when I was little, when I was at camp and before Gideon took over. But even Matthew wasn't that bad back then. Not like the stuff Gid says they did to Irin. But those years with the clone father, they might as well have been Hell. They were the stuff of nightmares. And when they found out I was going down to Texas to see John Hando, and traced it all back to my weapons trainer James, they made me kill him. With my SEAR. The same way I killed Kush. The slightest snap of the plasma grazed lightly across his top layer of skin."

I stop and remember the screams. From both of them.

"If you're going to die of a SEAR knife wound, the best way to go is fast because the pain involved in the slow version of SEAR death is almost unimaginable. And that's why I did it slow for that clone who killed Charlie and the baby. But that spring when I had to kill James was probably the worst time of my life. There are still things I push down from that time."

"What year was that, Junco?"

"That year before sniper school. Right before you guys showed up to start watching me. James came to Texas to pull me from that job I mentioned—we were doing all sorts of secret jobs that year. John Hando and I were becoming close, we started thinking about getting closer. He wanted me to stay with him and never go back, and he took me up to the top of the Sagitta building in Dallas because the Hando Family owns the whole top floors of that place. Did you know it's not just a building, but a transmitter too?"

Tier shakes his head at me.

"And it's got a duality AI. The only male AI on Earth. I met them that night that John took me to the top to look at the stars. But James showed up in the middle of that job and said my dad was asking for me. He was the clone of course and it turns out that the reason they wanted me back in the Stag was because Gideon was dying. They did some procedure on him, something I now think has to do with all that Archer stuff. And he
was
dying."

I let out a deep breath of air. "I knew my dad wasn't right, that he couldn't possibly be the same guy who loved me so fiercely as a child and then all of a sudden couldn't even spare the time to acknowledge me on my birthdays anymore. So when everyone left me there to say goodbye to Gideon, I healed him using the connection we had, don't ask me to explain, because I can't. But giving him whatever it was I gave him nearly killed me in the process. To make a long story short, while I was recovering in that place I found a lab full of mutant offspring of Gid and I, and killed them all. I was erased twice in the span of a few weeks because I just refused to forget. And that was the end of Junco. Whoever that child was, that piano-playing, horseback-riding child who lived in a sentient house and was loved by Johann Coot through her fifteenth year of life? She left with those memories."

"No, Junco. She's right here."

I dismiss his claim with a shrug because he is just plain wrong. "When I was small, they used stories and rules to make me compliant with orders and of course, my illness. So Gid told me I was only allowed to have one weakness at a time and I happen to be a crier, if ya haven't noticed." I feel him let out a little laugh behind me.

"So that was my one weakness. Gideon always said I wasn't allowed to count and cry. That was the deal that kept me sane, kept me from counting. I made the decision to stop counting because crying just felt better. Crying exhausts me. It feels good to sleep afterward. And then when I wake up, I'm OK again. I have new courage, and new faith, new everything. It's like a big reset button or something.

"But," I add softly. "I have a confession to make. I have been crying and counting now for a very long time. I counted your heartbeats when I fell apart back at Subjack's mountain. I counted Isten like every chance I could. I counted Lucan a few times, too. I even count myself." I look up at him and wait to see what he says. His eyes are soft and have just a slight hint of glow to them.

"But yer doing pretty well, Junco. You're still OK as far as I can tell. You're still OK." He sounds like he's trying to convince himself.

I know the feeling.

"I'm some other girl now. Maybe when I was avian I could accept that was still me. Just a better version. But this girl?" I point to my chest. "I have no idea who she is. But I do know one thing, she is definitely not in control, she's not reasonable, and all she can think about is revenge. I only count heartbeats, not stars. At least not yet. I might decide to count the stars again, I'm not ruling it out, but right now I count heartbeats because heartbeats have gotten me through everything for a pretty long time. And I've been telling myself since I was little that there will come a day where there are no heartbeats left to count and I'll never have to think about or struggle with it again. Because there will be nothing left to get through, and then I'll know that's the time when I can let it all go. It will all be over when the heartbeats stop and I can let it all go."

I turn to look up at him again, just to make sure he's getting all this. "I only have two ways out, the way I see it. Counting stars or no heartbeats. And I was holding out for the final heartbeat, Tier. Because I'm never gonna stop counting the stars once I start. And now Inanna took that away from me. There will never be a final heartbeat now. Ever. I just want them all to end, Tier."

He sits quietly for a long time, still embracing me and burying his face in my neck. His breath dances across my cheek and I think of the night we first met and he charmed me with that little trick. How easy it was to be consoled back then. Even with all the bad stuff going on, even with my slip in sanity, it was easy to have hope that things would get better. It was easy to believe that I was powerful and had control over my life. But everything I've done since then has proved otherwise.

I have no hope.

I have no faith.

And the way I see it, I have only one power left. I've used up all my powerful gifts to get to this place right here, right now, and I have only one more left.

When he finally speaks I can hear the fear. "I hope that's not true about the heartbeats, Junco. I sincerely hope that's not true."

I can only sigh at that because it absolutely is true. One hundred percent true. But I don't want to talk about heartbeats anymore, I have something else to say now. "I have a regret I'd like to tell you about, if that's OK." I look back at him and he nods. "I wish I had let you kiss me back in the hot springs. I wish I could go back to the beginning and do it all differently. I wish—" His lips kiss the back of my neck and I stop for a second. "I wish I had turned around in that hot spring, climbed in your lap, and just given myself to you right then."

"But then we'd never make it to our end, Junco."

"Yeah, I know. But when I add up all the good and compare it to the bad I'm not sure it's worth it anyway. So screw it. I'd go back. I'd make changes."